It hurts

 I wish that I could tell you how sorry I am. I didnt mean to make you feel bad or worry. I really didn't mean to. I don't always think before I open mouth. I love you more than anything in the world and I should think more before I speak. I don't want to fight with you. I miss you so much. It hurts to not hear from you. I just want to hear your voice. I miss you so fucking much. Please forgive me. I need you. Life doesn't mean anything without you. I'm sorry I said nasty things to you. I don't want to do this without you. Please don't stop loving me. I will always love you. There is no one else in the world that fits with me the way you do. We are so good together, I don't want to lose that. That's why I would never cheat on you. No other man comes anywhere close to you. I'm talking to much now. I have to let it go no matter how much it hurts, you're going to do what is best for you. And I'm just going to have to figure it out. I hope you figure it out with me.

What is this?

 You aren't talking to me at all now? What happened? Everything was fine at 4 and now you're going silent on me in a chatroom? I'm so confused,  did you just get bored of me or something. I cant sleep I feel like I'm going to throw up and I don't know how I'm going to work tomorrow. I can't believe you haven't called me and that you ditched out on me like you did earlier. You know how hard I've worked to make this relationship right. How can you just shut me off without a word? I would never do that to you, my heart is just on fire. Please don't cut me off, I need you. Did you do something bad? Did you? I don't EVER call that 1 to 1 side EVER FOR ANY REASON EVER. I miss you so so much. I just can't believe this is happening again. I just talked to you at 4 and everything was fine. What the fuck happened? What happened? What did I do? I love you. I hope everything is ok. I don't know what else to say. I miss you.

Like a wall

 I did plenty. Said plenty. And then I wondered why everyone hated me so much. I've come really far since then. My heart is burning. Its christmas. I don't want to fight. I dont want you to give up on me now. I went through something on that chatline, real or imagined it was horrible for me. It might have been my own fault or maybe I deserved it but I went through it and that's why I won't ever live there again. I would never put myself through that kind of hell again. I love you, god knows that's true and for the things that happened between you and me, I have long since forgiven you. I felt like you were trying to push me into that place. This morning I was just super stressed out because I was late and you were still pushing. This sucks. Talk to me.

I wish i could talk to you

 There is so much going on in my head. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am.  I know you just don't want to hear it anymore. I'm just tapped out. I got nothin left. I'm empty and I'm so lonely. I know you're mad. You have every right to be. There are just some things at some moments I can't stop myself but I try. I do and you know I do. I want to be out on the chatlines searching for you right now but that only makes things worse. I was on the 5700 for like 5 minutes and timber pussy started talking shit about my family. I'm really feeling stuck right now. I feel like a bunny caught in a net scrambling to get free but I'm lost in it and I don't know how to get out. I miss talking to you in room 82. That meant so much to me. Now I'm just stuck with all this shit in my head and I have nowhere to put it. Please don't leave me. I need you. I'm sorry I flipped on you last night. It was that goddamn letter. It freaked me the fuck out. No excuse that's just what happened. Can't you forgive me? I just want to sleep.

you got caught in the crossfire

 I'm so sorry about last night. I was so upset by that letter and I took it out on you. You're sick of it. Do you want to take a break? I don't,  I really don't I need you but I'm under a lot of stress right now and I am not solid. I'm scared of losing my housing, my job and you. Please try to understand. I try to understand when you snap off at me. This whole thing with Jennifer should be over soon. I heard some things today and I dont think she'll be around much longer. I love you , I don't want to fight. I'm sorry. You know how hard I'm trying to get my shit together. Please try not to take the things I say when I am upset personally.  It was a glitch in my system.

My Sickness

 I am having so much anxiety today I just can't handle it. It's so bad I'm shaking and sweating. Wtf? I cant stand being inside my own body. I'm not exactly changing my number at least not until I talk to Chris. I'm really fucking scared that this is just a way for him to get rid of me. I hate this. Sticky vaseline mommy, please don't let me die. 

Confused

 You were so mean this morning and I have no idea why. I'm working so hard to improve myself. I was listening to recordings of me fighting with Shasta because I'm trying to process those feelings so I can move past them. And lilly and I went out to dinner, I didn't want you to hear something that would trigger you but it must have triggered you anyway. I don't know if I will ever be able to get you to trust and believe in me. I try so hard to be a better person. I know you see that. There's only so much I can do.

Crying on the inside like its raining on the inside

 I feel sick. I'm not going into work today. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for hurting you. I wish I could take back all those words. I love you and I don't want to fight with you. I become overwhelmed with jealousy sometimes and I get crazy but I'm pulling myself back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for acting like that. I'm starting to worry that I'm going to lose you. Not an excuse, that doesn't make me doing that OK. Why can't I text you? I just want to tell you how sorry I am. And I'm sorry I've gone on that goddamn chat line looking for you. Sometimes i get scared you won't talk to me if i don't. I don't know why i want to hear you talking to other girls. I do feel like I'm in competition with them. I feel like you care more about them than you do me. That hurts so much. I just want to be loved by you, just you. Nobody else will do. I just want to be loved by you alone. You talk about me talking to other guys and it kills me. I don't want to talk to anyone but you. I know you know that's true. I'm sorry I got all worked up this morning, I shouldn't have said anything about her. I have two separate thoughts about this going at the same time, it's called cognitive dissonance it's not just psycho. We have been doing so well but I have started slipping. Going on the chatline more and more often, crying and all that bullshit. I don't want us to end up back where we were. You work hard to make me feel secure. I work hard to make you feel that way too. I'm not talking to anyone but you. I love you. I'm sorry I continue to struggle with this shit. I won't go on that chatline today. I want to so bad but I know it will only make things harder for us. I love you and I appreciate having you in my life and for more than just a bedfellow. You are my friend and my love, my heart and my home. I don't want to be without you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to maintain our relationship.

A quick last thing

 I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling about things right now. I feel good, well put together, steady on my meds, I'm looking towards the future, I'm remembering to center myself when I need to, I'm making new friends and thinking about my children more often. I'm trying new things like sewing and I'm going to make a pie for everybody. I filled out a form for therapy just now so I'll be getting started with that. I'm just waiting now to make some money so I can get my license back and get my car back so I don't have to ride the bus anymore. I hate that fucking bus. I have to leave in 16 minutes so I can walk 5 blocks and nearly miss the bus again like I've done already all fucking week. That is my biggest complaint in life right now. I miss Chris but I can't dwell on it anymore, it sucks me down into this sad and desperate feeling place and I can't live there. I've tried to make a guy friend, there's one boy that puts a shine on me but he's from the chatline too and for that reason alone I don't really feel like I can trust him. Honestly though he's the only guy I've found interesting enough to catch my attention besides Chris or Steve in 2.75 years. That has to say something doesn't it? Anyway, I have to leave in about 10 minutes. I better get my ass moving.

A breath of fresh air

 I just had the most amazing dream. My dreams have all been fucked up for a long time but this dream, oh my god. So there is this guy that I work with and he looks just like kurt cobain. Plus he's gay which makes everything just a little more touchy but he is perfectly beautiful. Anyway he was in my dream as a confidant and that was all. But there was another guy in my dream that I wanted to be with so extremely bad. He is the good guy but with a rough exterior. I made a decision in that dream that I wanted to be with him and nothing was going to get in my way. I was going up to this room where he stayed I think and I was writing to him in this journal thing that was already there. And he was loving it, I mean he was eating it up. I look just like I look and he was falling for me but as I was getting to know people it came to my attention that there were a lot of girly politics going on so I asked this chick about him and she told me all about him and then told me she was his girlfriend and I made the decision that I was going to win him over no matter the cost. She was going to lose him. That's what I did with Chris. I told Angel how much I liked him. I wasn't afraid of her, I wanted him and I got him. I didn't get to hang on to him but I had him for a good amount of time. And I did win, there were aspects of his personality I've never had in a man before but there was this other side of him that had to hurt me when I didn't follow his "rules" and instead of talking to me about how he felt or tell me that he was upset with me about whatever it was that he was upset about he just became a monster towards me. So, I lost him. I wish I hadn't because there are so many things I still want to tell him sometimes. Anyway, this dream though. So she tells me that that's her boyfriend and as soon as she did I just had this overpowering feeling of strength. And I knew with everything in my being he was the guy for me and no matter what she was going to say wasn't going to change anything. So I fell in love, it was in my sleep but I so hope he makes a reappearance in my dreams because I need this. I need to feel alive again. My spirit has been dead for awhile now and I need a reason to get up and do things. I'm still not enough of a reason but if I could have adventures in my dreams, if I could fight for someone in my dreams it would all be worth it. 

That made me think of my tattoo. Half Fire, half water. Like a ying yang. the center of the fire will be the hot white of the sun with flames coming up out of one side and the top will be fire engine red and the other side will be blue and the center will be a calming black and the rest will be blue like the deep of the ocean with surf towards the top and a dolphin possibly even though I don't give a shit about dolphins. BEAUTIFUL. I feel love in my heart today. The first day since he stopped calling me. Part of me feels a little guilty because I don't want to let him go. I'm not letting him go though. I will love him until the day I die. I just don't get to be with him anymore. This kind of love never dies. The things he did for me, no one else in the world could do for me. 

I miss you Chris but I know you don't want me anymore. That breaks my fucking heart. I will never love another man the way I love you. I know I won't. You are my "one". I'm sorry you don't feel the same. I'm sorry if I hurt you or said things that hurt you, I'm so sorry. I'm trying to move on, ya know. I really am. Crazy nut job perverts aren't going to help me though, they aren't going to be important to me and at least in this moment in my life I don't want to be there. I think it's weird that for as long as we were together you still don't get that. I am just as good as you ever thought I was and I'm just as bad as you ever thought I was, just like you are. I need to meet someone like that and I just don't see it happening. You are one of a kind my friend. One in 380,000,000. 

Alone in the pigpen with all the pigs

 You've left me alone with all these perverts. I can't believe that you did this to me. This hurts more than anything you've done before. I can't believe that you just stopped caring. It hurts and it hurts bad and the last few days have been really hard without you for some reason. I was feeling better, not over it but I was feeling better but the last few days I just wanted so badly for you to be there. I'm doing the best I can but I've been getting more feedback from these jackasses and I don't know how to get from there to where I need to be to truly end this nightmare that I've become a part of. Unfortunately I'm afraid that the only people reading this blog now are the perverts. 

Chris I miss you so much. I want so badly to get back out there and look for you, I know right where to find you if I want to look but I've been fighting that off. I don't think you want me on the chatline, I told you that I won't be one of those sorry ass bitches that follows you from place to place. I had to stop. I need to hurt myself to help with this pain but that isn't what I need. It would be so much easier to just cut the fuck out of myself and forget but I would have to carry those scars for the rest of my life.

I wish we could love like we did once. How do you feel knowing that I'm out here and I don't lean on you for anything anymore. It's fake at this point. It doesn't mean anything at all that I'm not talking to you because I still want to talk to you. I would be talking to you if you called me but I know you aren't going to do that. You are preoccupied by other people now and I'm just a memory. You aren't a memory to me. You are still the person that stuck it out with me when things were at their worst. I love you just as much today as I did 2 years and 7 months ago. I hate myself.

It's oh so Quiet

 Tonight is too quiet. I don't have the connections I had with these ladies before but I think it's better this way. We can talk but this sense of closeness is just unfuckingnecessary. I don't want to be so in to this, what would this quiet week have been like. I know you have up and moved on. I miss you so much. I want to call, just one more time. But that's what it will always be, just one more time. I am so empty, my life seems so pointless now. I will go on anyway. Maybe we will meet again in another life. Maybe we have ended the connection that so strongly held us together. But still I miss you.

I miss you

 I miss you terribly. I think about you a lot. I saw those two short native guys on a commercial a couple of days ago and I thought about you. I wonder if you miss me at all or if you're just relieved that I finally left you alone. I'm changing my number soon. That makes me sad but I know it's for the best. I wish you well and hope that someday you find true happiness with someone. Your restless heart is more than I can bear or bare, something. Anyway, I'm just stopping in to say I miss you. That's all.

I want you to know but I'm not tellin

 

You are a smart and strong woman and I have a lot of respect for you and the things you’ve been through. You’ve given me fantastic advice on how to handle the situation that came up about my girls’ sexuality. I think you really saved my family a lot of grief and I’m so glad that it came up while I was here and while I had you to talk it over with. You’ve been inspirational to me. You have shared a lot of your history with addiction and childhood trauma with me. I believe that you told me those things to inspire me.

Lately though I have felt something different. I feel insulted, disrespected and placated when you cut me off and start talking over me. I feel unheard when I talk to you at times because you don’t listen to the things I have to say. I love hanging out with you but I want you to know what I think and how I feel too. I tried to share my story with you on several occasions but you don’t seem interested at all. I end up listening to the stories you’ve told me before about your mother or how you feel a house should be cleaned.

I know you are completely committed to your recovery and that your experience with AA has been wonderful for you. I’m so happy that you were able to find something that changed your life. And you found fellowship in that. But there is more than one way to skin a cat. I am in the process of finding out which way works best for me. You don’t get to decide that though. And it is very insulting when you say things like I can’t quit using my phone if I still have my phone. I can though. I gave up that chat line when I lived at my daughters and I did that on my own.

 I had a relapse of sorts when Chris broke up with me. I gave myself a pass on that because of the situation and just decided to try to get back up on that horse. So far, so good. But I did it for myself. I’m not doing this shit so I have a place to live, I’m living here so I can do these things.

My addiction is unique to me. You say all addictions are the same but they aren’t in my perspective. From my perspective I will need my phone with me the rest of my life. You will not need to carry a bottle the rest of your life.  You seem angry that I am not taking your advice. It is working out well for me. I’m going to see a sex therapist for sex and love addiction. That’s what is going to work for me. Going to meetings where I feel weird and awkward is not good for my mental health.

I am not giving up my phone or anything else for that matter just because you tell me to. You don’t know what is best for me, I do.

BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder

 So, I have BPD. I didn't know I had this until about 6 months ago but now that I know so many things make sense to me. I will have much more to say on this in the future. I will come back here to post information that I find. 

I do want to say 1 thing; recovering from a mental break, drug or alcohol addiction or getting over sex and love addiction is really fucking hard. I lost everything I had but my car and somedays it feels like I'm just barely hanging on. But I can see something coming for me in the future. I am starting to see a glimmering hope of who I'm going to be and I'm really excited.

I miss Chris so much but he made it clear that he does not miss me so I have to leave him and the chatlines alone now. I have to let go and move forward to the things that will be the foundation from which I build my new life. I will be organized and live slow. I will be mindful of the things I do and the things I say or I will try to be anyway. And I will focus myself on what I'm doing instead of what anyone else is doing.

SLAA

 So I am going to start an SLAA meeting here. A new girl just moved in and I think she could use it too. I need a meeting to go to in person and I feel that this would open a lot of doors in our community. There isn't a group any where close, and I'm talking about new york or los angeles.  So let's do it. I downloaded the starter kit and the 8 core principles. AND I found an online meeting to go to so I can start my recovery now. This is a little different than a drug addict or a drunk. This I have to continue to live next to for the rest of my life without acting on it. I have a long way to go.

No More Apologies

 You will hear no more apologies from me. I hate all the girls you fucked around with and I can say it if I want to. Shasta, Shayla, Candice, Nicole from Georgia, Cally, Barbie, Juanita, Angel, Rachel, Heather from Texas, Texas and that little mexican bitch. I hate them all and I'm aloud to hate them because they all played a role in hurting me. I hurt them too but really I don't care if I hurt them because what they didn't do to me, you did. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you're so much smarter than me how come you didn't call something as simple as inertia.

   I love you. I've loved you since the day I met you. Mushrooms. That kick started the most important relationship I've ever had. I didn't say the best relationship but it was definitely the most important. I learned so much about myself from you and nothing I do will ever change that. You are a big part of the reason why I'm where I am today. In the gutter but freeing myself of baggage I've carried since I was a little girl. 

   You're just ass backwards in things sometimes. You act like the things I went through make me a bad person. That's just not a fair statement. The things that happened to me as a child scarred me but I wore those scars like a badge of honor. I was always proud of the things I had lived through because I lived through them, you took that pride away and threw it in the toilet. I don't know if everyone could have survived what I did, but I did. I'm a strong woman, something you never gave me enough credit for. 

   What you do to women is not right. Playing one woman against another. In my case you played them all against me. But none of us would go against you because we might lose you. We can't express our feelings to you, we can't discuss anything with you that might shine a light on to what a fucking piece of shit you can be, you refuse to own your own feelings by blaming these things on us somehow. You don't have the right to treat me the way you have. You don't. The one difference is that I never backed down from you. If I was mad, I screamed at you. If I was sad, I cried in open rooms. If I was happy, I let everyone know that as well. 

   Does this change the way I feel about you? No. You were one of the ONLY people in my life that ever really gave a true shit about me. And you did, you will deny it but you did. You were there for me when no one else in the world gave a shit. My kids aren't bad people, they are young and they were living their lives. I put a hella amount of stress on them. That's what makes me a piece of shit. Not fucking with some bitches over the phone. The things I've done to my kids. I have a lot of work to do on myself so I stop being shitty to them. So I can support them instead of it being the other way around.

    If you think I'm leaving the chat line for you, motherfucker, I ain't doin shit else for you. This is for me. This is so I don't have to listen to you parade all of my business everywhere. This is so I don't get harassed by your nappy headed cunts anymore. So I don't have to listen to you talk about how much you hate white women. I don't have to apologize for something that you shouldn't know about me. If you can't take the heat get out of the motherfucking kitchen. I am aloud some privacy. I'm sorry you disagree but I am. Am I going to miss you? Every day for the rest of my life but I won't do this catch me in a room whatever. It just isn't right. 

   I know you say your glad, your happy and you never loved me. You call me crazy and a bitch, tell people that I'm fat and ugly and stupid. Openly in rooms you've told people that I was dead. Oh well. These people don't know me, don't know my struggle or even my story because they never took the time to find out. They were laughing at me before we were even a thing. Being your girlfriend just meant that people could be as mean to me as they wanted. You could have saved any of the girls I went after but you just let it happen. You could have said "stop or it's over" but you never did that. On top of that you reminded me daily why I should hate them and be cruel to them. Why did you ever do that?

   In the case of Shasta, everyday for months you told me that you loved her so fucking much and that she was your favorite girl and so much better than me. You weren't trying to make me feel bad, you were trying to make me angry. So angry that I would go out and find her. You told me something once when I asked you why you would do that to her, why throw her name at me and piss me off? And you told me that it was because she called you a pedo for a year straight. And I believe that your mind works that way. 

   You just recently fucked Texas over with her new boyfriend. You started flirting with her to get her attention of the other dude. You did it to me a thousand times. I also think sometimes though that he would call me because of you. You two would talk to me about the same shit. I would hear his words come out of your mouth and it was odd how he showed up just about the time you would bail on me for another bitch. And how did you know that I had a star wars figuring next to my bed, or that my house was a mess.  That wasn't a coincidence every day for months on end. You calling me seconds after I called the chatline. I literally have hundreds of examples of this on my phones.

   I love you and I know this is weird but I'm getting better. I just have to find a job that really suits me. I don't care if I go through 20 more jobs either. I'm doing this on my time not yours. I don't care if I gain weight because I have more important things to deal with than the way I look. Someday I'll be ready to tackle that. Obviously not today but someday.

   I hope you learn a little mindfulness and that you can't actually just pick someone and be done with this madness. What I said is 100 percent true, It takes a mentally ill person to stay on these chatlines. No one should expose themselves to these things and if they do it's because there is something wrong in their head. Anyway I'm exhausted. This was a lot. 

   

   

This is fucking killing me

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. I need you so much. I hate myself, I wish I could die so I would leave you alone but I can't breathe without you. I know you know that but still you go off with Shasta right in front of me over and over. Will you please just kill me. Just put me out of my fucking misery because I don't know how else to handle this. I'm so sorry, I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. You promised to call me though. You promised. Why did you do that? Just so you could make me look like an idiot, make me feel like I want to die. 

Wicked Game

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you
With you
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

And I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (with you)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

No, I (this world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one

-that's the only thing that's been running through my mind since I talked to you last. You said you were going to call me. You only call me when I'm not able to answer the phone. Why do you do that? Why didn't you call me like you promised you would? Please don't do this, please. I just feel like I'm running out of air. You just don't understand what I'm going through right now. It just hurts so fucking bad. I wanna cut myself, burn myself, hurt myself so bad. It's taking everything inside me to not do those things. You are the only thing that will make this pain go away. 

I know you don't think I would betray you. But what I do is a betrayal. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I just don't know what to do. There is only one thing to do but I really don't want to do it. I want to jam my hands in a tree shredder, it would get this out of me. I don't know how to function with this in me anymore.

I will be with you somehow.

 I love you. I love you so much, it's hard to look back and see how much I've grown since I've been with you because it makes me feel embarrassed. If only I had known, I could have saved alot of the problems in my life. You tried to tell me but I was so f****** hard-headed that I didn't want to listen. 

I 

On Synchronicity

There is coincidence, you calling me once when I'm unavailable. Then there is synchronicity when you only call me when I am unavailable to answer the phone like when I'm in the shower and when I am taking a nap. Then there is LYING when you say youre going to call me at a certain time and you don't. What the fuck? I had a feeling you weren't going to call me last night, I just fucking knew it. You are killing me with this shit, for real. I miss you, why are you doing this to me? I am dying inside and you don't even care. Why would you do this to me? You promised me. You promised. You lied to me about Candy the whole fucking time. Angel and Juanita? Lies. Nigger Dave? Lies. All the fighting you did with me? Lies. And now youre talking to some bitch name Candice? Is that who youre really sleeping with now? I am fucking dying inside. Please don't do this to me Chris, PLEASE! 

I don't want to feel this way you know. I wish I could just do what you ask and walk away. Find someone else to talk to and forget about you but I can't. I just can't baby, don't you see that. I tried to be cool about it but I just miss you so fucking much. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Don't you see how much you mean to me? I just want my life back and without you I don't have one. You placate me, but this is no game to me. This is my real life.

Please god hear me. Get me out of this fucking mess I've gotten myself into. Some guy laughed at me outside because I was sitting on the ground having a cigerette but I have nowhere else to sit. They won't let us sit anywhere else. We don't even have a bench to sit on during the day, let alone any shade. I am working this horrible job that I thought I wanted so bad. Fuck this shit man, I want out of this. 

I want out of this NOW. I'm sick of feeling embarrassed just to be alive. And the chatline will still be the end of me. Please show me the road out of this. I am trapped in this shit. I don't see a way out but I know there is one. I have to learn how to ride the bus. I can't do this kind of work full time and I will never be able to support myself this way. There has to be a better solution.

Some Thoughts on my thoughts

 I miss you but today has been a real blessing to me. Losing you has been a blessing to me. Not because I, well actually it has forced me to see the real things. I don't like it, but I needed to see some shit. And no I'm not trying to get you to take me back. I think I need to do this alone. Not that you would take me back anyway. I'm not trying to say that.

Ugh. Here it goes. I said I could never be happy with you but in truth I will never be happy with me. Not unless I really make some big changes. Changes in the way I see myself and changes in the way I see other people. I don't know if you still monitor me, I'm thinking you don't but I'm going to pretend you do because I still need you in my life, even if only in my own mind.

I was a horrible girlfriend. There was a time when we were in love. Even if you don't remember. I know you are so angry with me right now and I don't blame you. I had phone sex with Cleveland and with Chandler and with Tyler and even one time with dingleberry. I used to have phone sex with all kinds of guys on the one to one. I never felt like I was cheating on you though because I never stopped loving you or thinking about you or wishing that we could be together. 

I never thought you'd find out. Then I felt like you knew. I just felt like you knew. I know that you were listening to me and I think you aren't anymore. That's why I worry that you won't see this. The only reason you saw this was because it was on my phone and if you aren't monitoring me anymore you aren't going to see this. I knew that you were listening but that didn't change anything about the way I lived. I learned from you. I grew from our relationship. I changed a lot of things about me. I have started doing some of the stuff I was doing in the beginning of our relationship but I am ok with it because I continue to grow in a positive direction everyday. I know that this is going to take me back where I need to be.

Maybe I don't need to be with you. No, I don't need to be with you to be ok. I am going to be ok anyway. Whether or not you are in my life. I know that right now it is not. I don't know if we will ever speak again and I'm not ok with that right now because I miss you so much I want  to die however I am working on accepting that and letting go of you so I can focus on me for awhile. Tonight I am probably going back on the one to one and doing dirty shit because I really feel like I need that right now. It's not healthy but it's what I "need" which really means it's what I want. 

I know that you were only mean to me when I hurt you. I know that I did a lot of things to push you away. I've been vengeful and spiteful and I refused to take any responsibility for the dirty shit I've done. But I also know that the chatline is full of gang stalkers. I'm not crazy like you said, I'm not paranoid. That whole chat line worked together to drive me over the edge. That was real. But what is also real is that I hurt people. I did things to hurt people. I'm not proud of that. I'm ashamed of myself but I don't want to say it because then I'm not strong, I'm weak and pathetic. But maybe I have been weak and pathetic and that is what put me in this situation. 

Personal responsibility is something I just came to understand and I still don't fully grasp it. But I'm trying to. I'm trying to see where I put things off on other people. Our relationship was extremely codependent. It worked for us for a long time. I'm going to put a link in here that explains codependence really well. I am going to start going to a group on sex and love addiction. It starts on Wednesday. Maybe I will never be normal. Maybe I will continue to do all this fucked up shit to people but I'm going to work to not. I deserve a better life than I've been living.

You are with Candy, she makes you happy. I'm glad you found something that makes you happy. Our relationship was so far gone there wasn't room for happy. Too many things said and done. But I know that you love me. You wouldn't be so angry at me if you didn't. You loved me and you were there for me every single day, no matter how awful I was. That's more than any man ever did for me. EVER. 

I wish that you would have just told me what you really thought and how you really felt about things. When I asked you if it would bother you if I met the Mormon you said no. You told me you wanted me to talk to Tyler, you told me that you wanted me to date other people but then when I did it you hated me for it. I wish you would have said, don't meet him. Just don't meet him. That's what started you being angry with me. I would never have met him if I thought it was going to hurt you that much. But I should have thought about your feelings as if they were my feelings. I always took you at your word though. I trusted that if you felt a certain way you would tell me. 

You need to talk to people and tell them how you really feel so they won't make mistakes like I did. God I don't know where this is going to go. That is so scary to me because I don't know what I'll do without you. Maybe you can never forgive me. Maybe at some point I'm not going to want you too but for now I just have to respect your wishes as much as I possibly can. There are a lot of things at play that you just don't understand. Don't even know about because I have started hiding things about myself. 

You got me off the chatlines (although I'm kinda fucking that up right now). You helped me see the problems with my views and attitudes about race. You made me see how the perverted shit was actually hurting me. But it's really not, it might be hurting other people but it wasn't hurting me. I'm going back out there tonight though because I am truly craving that orgasm, that short lived escape from missing you.

My promises are over. My lies are over. If all I can give you is the Gods honest truth, then from now on I'll give it. So I'm sitting here sucking my thumb trying to forget about what I'm saying because it hurts so bad to think about it, I just want to sleep. That's all I have for today. 

Is it OK to not be OK?

I don't like myself today. I have listened to everyone in my life for so long tell me how hard I had things. I've felt entitled to that kind of attention. And I have sought it out. Relationships had to end for me to see it. This is rock bottom for me. The person I've been addicted to for so long has left me, what will I do now? How do I face myself with what I've done and what I've become. Chris didn't do this to me, I did this to myself. I put on a front like I'm fine but I'm not fine. I have a lot of problems and I feel like I'm addressing them but they are so deep that I don't even realize what I'm doing when I'm doing it. 

And sometimes I see it but pretend that I don't because I don't want to face what I have done. What I did to my kids, the way I've treated the people I love. I just felt like I couldn't do anything about any of it because I refused to take responsibility for myself. I put it all off on other people and when they didn't take care of me or fix my problems I blamed them for my situation. That is some truth. 

I have done whatever I wanted to do for so long not thinking about anyone else or anyone elses feelings. My kids first, Chris second, anyone I've come across has had to suffer from my actions. I can't hate myself because I have to live with me. I have some issues I have to work through for real. I've known that for a long time. I have to actually take responsibility for the things I've done. I truly want to be a better person than I have been. I wasn't always like this but none of you would know that. None of you would think that. 

My kids are fucking awesome because of the way I raised them. They are good people and do what they believe in their hearts are the right thing to do. But it's not because I did such a great job raising them. It's because they had no choice but to parent themselves because I wasn't a good parent. I did the best I could at the time but I ignored their feelings to satisfy my own needs. They were needs though, that's how I say I did my best. I didn't realize that my feelings were coming from inside me instead of being caused by other people. I don't give them any credit for that either. I am pleased at who they are but I give them no credit for it. 

Chris you were fucking awful to me. AWFUL! But everything you did to me was in response to something I did to you. I wish you could have talked to me about things but that's not how you were built. When you ignore me I get lonely and scared and reach out to the first person I can find to make me feel better. I have done a lot of horrible shit to you. I cheated on you, But you cheated on me too and that was never a problem in your eyes. 

You called me fat and ugly, stupid and a whore. How many times you called me a nigger lover and the last time we talked you told me to suck a nigger dick for you. You told everyone every thing about me and then played the recording over and over again until I wanted to die.I did a lot wrong but I didn't deserve that. After today? I would say that I deserve it. I see how completely pathetic I am after what we've been through. After the phone call I had with Tyler today. Then on my home I thought about what you asked me the other night about whether or not I am loyal to you. I wasn't. Not because I had phone sex with a couple of people. Not because I went on the one to one. But I wasn't loyal to you because I embarrased you in front of your friends, and I said horrible things to you when I was angry.

I love you so much that I don't have the audacity to ask you to be with me after the way I've treated you. I don't deserve you and maybe I never did. The things I was doing were hurtful. When I went to meet the mormon, all the times I've screamed at you and cried and begged and pretended like I didn't know why you did the things you did to me. That phone call with Tyler today was really my low point. I totally sold out our relationship in hopes that I wouldn't be alone. He was right, I never cared about his feelings. I never thought about how my actions affected him. I had you. And I don't know if I will ever be able to make up for things I've done to you. My selfishness and desperation, my helpless ness and my hatefulness. My life IS better because of you. and I hope you know that I mean that with my heart and soul. I'm still not a good person. I want to cum so bad, only to relieve this pain inside me. I am going to do it, I already know I'm going to do it. I have a lot I need to do to fix myself. I don't want to need anyone the way I do right now. 

There are a lot of parts of myself I need to explore in therapy. And still I am only thinking of myself. I need to be able to focus on what other people are talking to me about. I hope someday to get another chance with you because you do mean so much to me. I just want to be able to come to you as a real adult woman ready to show you what I've got. I love you and miss you but I know this is for the best. I don't blame you for dumping me. It was about time. 

All good things come to a pause?

 I am devastated. But I will live through this. I'm going to do this different this time though. I want so badly to go out on the 5700 and cry and beg you to talk to me but it gets me nowhere. I told you before I think that anyone that intentionally exposes themselves to that bullshit has mental issues. I won't put myself through that anymore. 

I miss you, god I miss you so much I'm dying inside. But I have to listen to you and respect your feelings. I don't want to but I have to. This is about personal responsibility. I have to take responsibility for myself now. I'm really scared to do that. But I'm not going to let Tyler take over where you leave off. I'm just not going to do that so you can tell him to stop calling me. 

I'm doing this on my own and I'm doing it for myself. Maybe someday you will see for yourself how much I change my life. Or maybe you will see me fail, or maybe you won't see anything at all. But I still have to do it. I have to find the will to do it for me. Tonight I'm filled with dread and anxiety. I can't believe you aren't going to go to sleep with me anymore. It hurts so bad I don't know how to get through it. I wish that you understood me more. I wish that you didn't take every thing I say so personally. But how can you not. 

It felt like you were poking me to do that though. It felt like you were trying to get me to blow up so you could get rid of me. That might not be right but that's how it felt. God I wish you would give me another chance. Even if you just need a break from me I wish you would give me another chance. I can't bare the thought of never talking to you again. It does make me want to hurt myself but I know that's not going to change anything. It's certainly not going to make me feel any better. I'm not ready for this but it's happening anyway. It feels like a death, it honestly does. I feel like a part of me is dying with it. I'm so fucking sorry.

I want to threaten you, go after all your little girlfriends, listen to you, How can you just walk away from me? You can't really hate me. You can't, I know you don't hate me. I do know that you can't take anymore of the craziness. I can't either. I need a break from it. I have to give you a break so I can have a break too because I need to stop focusing all my attention on you. I need to focus on myself and really getting my shit together. Just please don't stop loving me altogether. Please hold a place for me in your heart. What we have is special and you have been the most important person in my life for a very long time. I know you see that. 

I am seeing a therapist now and I'm going to a codependency group. I'm in a treatment facility that has different groups everyday. We have big group on Monday nights where we talk about what is bothering us currently. On Tuesday we have a group on codependency, Wednesdays is about self love and self esteem, and Thursday is about mindfulness and dealing with anxiety. We do exercises and activities about all that stuff. It is a wonderful place and I'm lucky to be here. 

They want me to go to NA but I don't have a problem with narcotics or alcohol. But on Wednesday nights in Iowa City there is a group on sex and love addiction that I will benefit from a great deal I think. I can't imagine never hearing your voice in my ear again. "Heidi" Every where I went today I thought of you, I saw things that reminded me of you. I heard that song wicked game in my head all day too. You say you hate me but a month and a half ago you were telling me how much you loved me everyday. I just want to feel better. 

I don't want to need you this way. I don't want to miss you so bad I feel like dying. I have to figure out what that's about. I'm going to you know. I'm going to figure out why I do these things and I'm going to fix it. Even if we never speak again at least I won't put myself or anyone else through what I've put you through.  I want to keep going but I don't even think you are going to read this. But I hope you do.

Not today, I'm not ready for this

 Please Chris, I'm so sorry. Please don't leave me. I love you so much I can't lose you. I need you in my life. I FUCKING NEED YOU BABY. Please don't leave me.I went on the chatlines looking for you tonight. Nothing else, I just need you baby, please don't leave me. GOD NO. Please no.What can I do to fix this, I'll do anything to fix it. Please don't leave me. I know I heard you in that room and you just didn't say anything, how can you do this after everything we've been through. I'm so sorry please don't leave me. I don't know what to do, I'll do anything. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I'm scared to death, please please please. I'm so sorry that I've made mistakes, that I've talked too much. I need you so much, please don't leave me. I miss you so much, I'm a wreck without you. You know that no matter what words come out of my mouth,  you mean more to me than anything in the world, anything. Please don't do this, please god, please try to understand me. Try to see where I'm coming from. I've tried to see where your coming from, I've tried to put myself in your shoes and that's one reason I left the chatlines. Oh please don't leave me baby. What will I do without you. I love you so much. This is all my fault. I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I could change, I wish I could be the person that you want. But I'm just not. I never was and I never will be. I'm sorry. All I ever wanted was you. I tried so hard to hang on to you that I pushed you away. I don't know how to fix this, is it fixable?  I'm hurting so bad, I just need you in my life. I don't know what else to do. I want to die. I just want to let go of everything. None of this means anything to me without you. You know that. You know me. I'm so fucking sorry. 

You deserve to be happy and if I can't do that for you anymore but I just don't know how to move on or let you go. It's just too fucking painful. Please don't do this. I'm sorry. Please . I don't know what to do. Please help me. I need someone to help me because I'm not strong enough for this. I feel like my chest is going to explode. Please don't leave me. I have to leave for work in an hour. My first day on the job, oh god baby. 

My Baby

My Baby

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. What I said wasn't nice but I didn't say it to anyone on the chatline. You know I'm not going on there. I don't give a fuck about those people. You could wipe your ass with all of them too, if you wanted. Forget they exist. You could forget I exist. I don't want you to but you have to do what is best for you. I love you and I feel like I need you. We've been through so much together. I think we've both taught each other some things. I know you've been a huge part in me growing the way I have. I feel like this is redundant, the same things I say to you everyday. But you are so smart and so loving. I hate to see you let that anger control you. The anger controls you, you control the chatline. I know, I was there. It's never too late to be good Chris. You are not what those fucking people say you are, you are you and if you start to buy in to all the bullshit they say you're going to go crazy too. I'm going to my first AA meeting tonight. I'm so nervous, I don't really want to go but I will. I huyst hate them si all.  I'm tired I'm going to to to howse home

I love you and I don't want you to be angry with me. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I won't do it again. 

How this gets messy

 What the hell are you trying to prove and whom are you trying to prove it to? I am here for you. I try so hard to do things that will make you happy and still you are mean as fuck. What do you want from me? What the fuck do you want from me? Why are you so mean because I haven't done anything to you. I follow your rules, I mind my p's and q's and still you find a way to be cruel. What the fuck? What do I have to do? Maybe I should just start hanging up, that's what you seem to want from me. I just don't know what else I can do and honestly the constant assaults are getting really old. I only have so much of this in me. If you would only just tell me what it is you want, I would try my best to give it to you. Why are you so goddamn hard headed.

Enough already

 I'm sick of thinking about the past. That's all these girls do is look back at the past. I know you have to deal with that shit but I'm sick of it. I need a break from all the heartbreak from these chicks. What is the deal? I just want to look forward but they say that you can't look forward if you are carrying things from the past. Ugh. I've told my story so many times to so many people. What if I'm not still carrying the shit, you know what I mean. I don't want to feel sorry for myself because my mom died. I don't want to whine and cry because my daddy made me feel a certain kind of way. I just want to live my life now. That's what I need to talk to a therapist about. Anyway.

Yesterday morning was great, last night was weird. Is tonight going to be like that? I guess I'll see. I wish I would have gotten your call earlier. I was asleep and woke up to answer but before I could find my phone you were gone. I'm tired again. I think I took way too much of that medicine that is supposed to help me relax. It made me sleep almost all goddamn day. I will be ready for a day time call tomorrow though. I'm excited about that. I miss our day time conversations. 

My tummy is killing me today. And I went out and bought toilet paper and my bathroom buddy has used it all and I just put it in there on Friday. What the fuck are you doing to go through toilet paper like that. I mean what the fuck is up with that. I won't buy anymore or if I do I'm keeping it in my room. Fuck that. Anyway I hope your day is going good. I'm gonna go take a nap.

PS there is a chick here all sick and crying all day like a baby. She tried to blame it on a ring that she couldn't get off her finger but she's bullshit. She's coming down and if they find out she's been using she's gonna get the boot. End of story. Who would fuck up this opportunity. She must be pretty far gone. Is it making me want to use? Hell no. It's reminding me why I don't do crank anymore.

I need glasses so fucking bad. I can't see shit anymore. 

Much needed

 My phone died last night. I was talkin but I wasn't talkin shit. I went back upstairs and plugged my phone in but you were sleeping already. I'm glad we had a little time together. I've missed you so much. I don't know if you think I get turned on by that bigger dick stuff or if you're trying to offend me. You have to know that I don't base the way I feel about someone on thier ethnicity. You think I do (or so you say) but that doesn't do anything for me like that. And that isn't what attracts me to men FOR SURE. I look at your brains, your heart, the connection we have and the things we do for each other. I don't know where we are but I know what we do for each other. I love you for who you are and for everything we've been through together. I am proud to be with you. I'm not where I want to be but I'm getting there. I have started over and I've made so many changes. I'm off the lines. I'm taking my meds like I'm supposed to, I'm keeping my space clean and organized, I'm trying to get and keep a job, I'm working on my self esteem, and learning healthy boundaries.  I'm working on getting my finances in order, getting my license back and my car legal. There are a ton of other things I need to do but i can only do so much at once. You playing in a restaurant and teaching your artwork is amazing but you are amazing anyway. Can we let the past be the past? Can we try for something better?  I will do what I can to let go of things. I am working to let go of the other girls. Those the hardest things for me because they hurt me the worst. But I meant what I said, I want to be that girl you went wacky for when we first met because what I said is true you haven't seen me at my best but you will.

I'm sinking

 I went to youtube. Is that who you've been spending all your time with? I know you talk to other people. It kills me but I know. It breaks my heart, you break my heart. I love you so much and I'm sorry if I've hurt you You mean the world to me. Please don't let me go. You've been so angry at me for so long, I just want things to be good for us. I miss you. I miss the good times. I don't know what I'd do without you. And it hurts when all you do is hang up on me. Or go straight to sleep. I want my baby back. I am working so hard to get right. Do you see that? Do you know I do it not just for me and my kids but for you too. I want to make you proud. I want to be someone you can be proud of. That's why I'm here. I could have stayed atHannah's. I was only there a month. I'm not perfect but I'm getting myself back. I'm trying to work through the things that got me to this place. My mind just became so unhealthy every thought I had was toxic and somehow you put up with it. Don't let me go now that I'm getting healthy. I miss you so  fucking bad. I've tried to be tough but it's so fucking hard. I miss you all the time. But I keep going anyway hoping that you'll see how hard I'm trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. I try to make better choices. I am proud of myself. I just want you to love me again. You still call me at night but something has been wrong. I don't know what else to say. I just want to talk to you, spend a couple hours with you during the day. I know I've been hard to reach but I'll do a better job of keeping my phone on me. I want to be the girl you fell in love with. I'm trying so hard.

Today's the Day

I'm getting glasses, god that makes me feel so old. Who gets glasses at 46? It's weird though for the last couple of months it's been harder for me to see but since I've been here it's been nearly impossible for me to see. Crazy man. I don't have a lot to say. I'm going to the eye doctor, then on the bus, then to my interview, and then I have group. I just showered and I already feel disgusting.

My Schedule

 Wednesday: Phone in my back pocket all day

9:15       Eye Doctor

2:00       Interview

4:30       Group

Thursday: Phone on me

3:00     Group

Friday Phone on me

Nothing

So nobody's perfect

 Ok so yesterday was a real bad day for me. I quit the job I only worked one day at. I cried almost all day. I spun out yesterday morning and just couldn't get my shit together. I was so overwhelmed by everything and I didn't have any weed to bring me back down, it was a hard day. Today? I'm feeling better. I still feel foolish, I guess is the word I would use for it but I feel better. I'm glad I quit that job. It just wasn't a great fit for me and I know that there is a fit waiting for me somewhere. I'll find it, I just need to keep looking. No Fear!!!! Walk with god and he will lead me where I need to be. I don't feel like I want to die today. When I go out and sit on the back step and watch the people at the homeless shelter I know I can't give up. I've been worried about how I'm going to afford cigs but someone introduced me to the cigarillo today and I realized there is a much cheaper way to smoke. These fuckers are 2 for a $1. One of them will last me a whole day, at worst I'll smoke 2 a day. That's still just a dollar compared to 4, that's a hell of a difference. I'm making changes where I can. Trying to make my situation easier to deal with. I owe 265 for this months car payment which I will be making here in the next day or two and I should be super happy about that. I have to find a job that pays me at least 300 dollars a month to get my car payment and my smokes. That ain't shit. I can walk around town picking up bottles and make that much money. I'm going to call down to the Casey's down the street because their hiring sign is back up in the window. I have another interview tomorrow downtown for a part time data entry specialist which sounds like it might be a good fit for me. It's just one of these things I'm going to have to figure out but I'm done being scared all the time. It doesn't help anything. Tomorrow morning after I get done at the eye doctor I'm hopping on the bus to find my way to this job interview way before the interview. I'm not asking anyone else to go with me either. It's time for me to find independence from my kids. I will feel better and they will too. It's all baby steps but when it finally happens for me it's gonna be great. I don't have to hate myself for not wanting to ride the bus to work, work a full shift on my feet and then walk home. It's ok if I don't do that. It doesn't make me worthless, it makes me human. When any human has the experiences I've had they would be the way I am. Period.

Everybody's Fool

 No matter which direction I go in I'm just the asshole in the room. I'm sick of it. I wanted that job at Smokin Joes so bad. I thought that would be the absolute perfect job for me right now but it's exhausting. Walking to the bus stop, the long bus ride, working for 8 1/2 hours and then walking my ass back here. I can't handle it. It's just too much for me. I have to make some real fundamental changes in my life. I never told heather you ruined my life. But that's not what your mad at me for anyway. Your mad because I told her I love you. Fuck you, you just wanna make sure your girl heather doesn't cut you off. Your preoccupied with her and angel and juanita and whoever I just want to die man, it makes me want to just fucking die. Cut off the fat and get my shit together. I just can't wait anymore. 

They talk this place up really good. Oh there will be people here to help me when I need it. I've been here two weeks and I haven't even been able to get an envelope let alone a stamp. I asked for help with a yeast infection and all they said was go to the doctor. Did it ever occur to you that part of my problem here is I have a big problem with that. They don't really give a fuck about helping me. They don't do shit for me but give me a room to sleep in and worry about whether or not I'm following their fucking rules. Pretty fucking pointless if you ask me. No one checked to see if I was nervous or needed anything, no one came to me and asked how my first day was. She only has 6 clients, what the fuck are you doing during the day. I can't even pass along a message to you without getting my head bitten off. It's bullshit but I have a place to live and that tells me this is nothing more than a glorified homeless shelter. The only staff person here that has helped me at all is Kristen. This is just a job to my counselor, she always has a day off. I am just starting to realize she's getting paid for nothing. She won't even help me with the bus, fuck this place. 

I'm still upset about Thursday but honestly if I don't like it here I can leave, even though I have no where else to go. And fuck you. I've spent the last 2 and a half years answering the phone for you but when I really need you, you play games with me. What the fuck is wrong with you? I am all alone here, but I still have my kids. At least I still have my kids.

I'm just feeling done with everything. I'm taking my meds like I'm supposed to. I'm not smoking weed. I am following your rules to the T but I'm still fucked up. I need to find a real doctor and a therapist. Why won't people help me with the things I really need help with?I found a job, fuck I found 4 jobs but I'm scared of riding the bus. Something else everyone promises to help me with but no one will help me with. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I expect other people to help me because that's what you promised to do when I came here. I NEED SOME FUCKING HELP OR I WOULDN"T FUCKING BE HERE.

Playing games is what everyone in my life is doing to me. Games, games and more games. I'm tired I just want to give up but there is nothing to give up to. I could kill myself but I'm too scared to go to hell. This is the day that I need pot. I'm having a fucking fit over here and I really do need it once in awhile. This is really fucking hard and I don't have anyone to go to. I'm on my own here. Please god help me. What else can I do? I sacrifice, I guess I just don't sacrifice enough. What is it that I'm supposed to do?

Navigating the Waters

     This place is a little bit of bullshit. But the more I keep my mouth shut the more I seem to learn. There are some ladies in here that are just shit stirrers. I need to keep clear of them for sure. Not keep clear of them but not tell them my stories because they have evil intentions. I didn't see that at first but everything is an issue. They complain about staff, they complain about other residents, they complain that nobody does their fair share, but I thought the whole point of us being here was to build relationships with each other. I don't trust anyone here but Kristen. Jolene is nice but she's fruity and going through some hard stuff on her own. I like my bathroom mate, she's pretty cool but spends most of her time in her room. Cheryl is nice but I think she steals shit. But I'm pretty sure that Dawn is the one who drank my sprite, popped the seals on my waters and stole my pants. She's a petty jealous bitch. 

    Regardless, I am feeling good about being here. I just need to learn a few things. 

    I'm tired, really tired. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. UGHHHHHH! but until I find something else this is where I am. I applied for several really good jobs and now I just wait. If I got another job tomorrow I wouldn't go back to the store. It's not the worst, Shannon is super cool, the customers are funny for the most part. I love facing the shelves and using the cool register. BUT I just can't do full time right now. It's too much while also trying to work on these things inside myself. 

    I'm ready to work but there is no fucking way I'm going to get through 5 days in a row. No way. I slept last night with no dreams at all. Frowny Face. I love my dreams, I look forward to my dreams without them I kind of feel like I missed seeing my home. That's probably weird but it's how I feel. Like a kitty stretching I love journaling too. I'm supposed to make a list of things that truly bring me joy.

Spending time with my kiddos

Sucking my thumb

journaling 

folding and organizng my room. I love it.

And Chris. 

    I'm gonna go in and take a nap, maybe I'll have some dreams after all.

A Day to Smoke

 I feel empty tonight. I'm just sad and feel like I'm going to fail at this. I can't, I don't want to go to a fucking homeless shelter. No fucking way. Catastrophizing. That's what she called it. Fuck her and fuck that. I did not deserve to be talked to like that. I was worried and I shouldn't have to worry about things like that in my own room. It was the same feeling I got from her sitting behind me going off on me. I tried to be nice to her, tried to be friendly but it didn't get me anywhere. She's a nutty fucking bitch, much nuttier than me. I'm so glad she wasn't in here tonight though. It feels so good to get the day off me and since apparently I'm not allowed to talk about it to anyone this is a good second option. 

What really pissed me off is that she lied and said she didn't do it and Jennifer believed her. That's bullshit. She basically accused me of lying. I didn't lie. I don't lie. I tell too much of the truth. She can suck the shit out of my ass, for real. I hope they aren't monitoring this although I'm pretty sure they are. They check our rooms. I need to clean my mirror, it was like that when I moved in and nobody cared. 

Lessons I got from today are ignore her and if she starts causing me trouble I'll just record her bitch ass. And that's exactly where that is. It's crazy to me though, she is fucking wackadoo. A wackadoodle. And she's very dangerous. I see that plain as day. But I'm going to ignore her from now on no matter what. And Jennifer dislikes me, I think because I told people that I had been waiting since August. That's the truth though. I had been waiting since august. I never banked on this place anyway. I was waiting on the Abbe center. And their services were absolute shit. Absolute Shit.

I knew there was a reason that I wanted to work with the homeless. I say this as if they are different from me but they are different from me. I haven't completely given up on myself and most of them have. I could have chosen to stay at the homeless shelter so I could keep smoking pot. I don't want that for myself though. I want to work, I worked religiously all my life until I lost my job at the school. I had some great jobs too. I think this is going to be a great job. And every liquor store these days has marijuana shit in it. Both my kids smoke and I know better than to do that here. I need this place even though I'm starting to think they don't care about us nearly as much as they say they do. 

That shit earlier, I can't get over how fucking rude this bitch was to me. And Lucia gets paid to come here after hours but Jennifer was doing exactly what Dawn was doing. Bully me until I shut up. Yell or Raise your voice at me until I just shut up and go away. She wanted an apology but I'm not apologizing to someone that is speaking that way to me. I'm just not going to do it, I don't give a fuck. If you want respect from me you need to be giving it to me.

I don't expect a phone call till 3 in the morning so he can ruin my first day of work. I should go to bed really soon because I have to get up hella early. I got a good nap earlier. I need to do a little more research into why my tongue is kinda fucked up. I still think it has something to do with the milk. I don't care. I don't care about anything right now. 

I miss you. I wish that you wanted to be supportive but I think you just really want to get rid of me and that fucking sucks. Maybe you really did stop caring about me. I know you used to care about me. But there's a lot of fucked up shit that you've said to me that makes me believe you are just out to ruin me. But then I look at all you've done 4 me and I know that there are good intentions there. You want me to be a better person and I've made a lot of positive changes in my life because of you. I need therapy and I'm still working toward that but I have to take things a step at a time. Yesterday was a big day because I got a job. Today was a big day because I went to the urgent care and that was a really long walk but I think that took care of my yeast infection for real. And then I connected with someone else that sucks her thumb and she's an adult too, done it all her life she said. Tomorrow is a huge day because 1) I have to ride the bus by myself and 2) I start my new job and I'm so so so excited. I have thought that this is where I belong since I was doing door dash. How many times did I want to stop and apply but didn't? 

I feel great about my choices. Calling Lucia was the right thing to do because that bitch would still be in here doing shit if I hadn't. STG. Anyway I'm so glad that I got to journal tonight. Now I can sleep just a little easier. Oh and FUCK YOU DAWN, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!

Another New Beginning

     I went to the doctor today. I had to walk to urgent care 5 blocks, to the pharmacy which was 10 blocks and then back here which was another 10 blocks. That's a mile and a half. Not bad. When I got back here Smoking Joes called me and they want me to start at 6:45 tomorrow morning. Ugggg. That means I have to leave by 6 to get there on time. Fuuuuuucccccckkkkk. It will be ok though. After this first week I move to nights and that I can handle. Actually those are perfect hours for me. 

     I have meditation at 430. I don't even want to go, I'm totally pooped out. But I've had so much on my mind lately that I could probably use it. I should go take a nap when I'm done here. I just need to get some things out. 

    Dawn is a bitch. I hate her. She's fake and has the kind of mean spirit I  do. I guess I deserve it, huh? I have found that through suffering I am paying it back to some people. Not my kids, not yet, but I will someday. I needed a job like this to get me used to working again. I might work here until I leave here and I would be ok with that. I will be walking there and taking the bus home tomorrow and this whole first week. Then I will take the bus there and walk home after that.

    I'm a little scared to walk home in this neighborhood after dark but lilly said she has some mace I can have, just in case. She also said she could come and get me on the nights I have to work until 11. That makes me feel better too. I am so sick of leaning on them though, seriously. I told her I'm going to give her all of my first check except 50 so I can pay her back for the last car payment she made for me. You can't tell me I don't have awesome kids. Then I pay hannah the 300 back and then pat the 200 and then ann 100. This will make me feel so much better. 

    40 hours on my feet. This is not something I am used to at all but I have been doing a lot of walking so I think I can handle it. It's convenient store work but I get a discount on cigarettes and that was why I wanted to work here in the first place. In Art next week we are making paintings. I'm excited. I also started working on a salt and pepper shaker for hannah to take with her when she goes. It's going to be 2 mushrooms that are growing away from each other. You tip it one way for salt and the other way for pepper. I think she'll like it and it will be functional. I wish I could do more but I did get her that nice carpet cleaner for graduation and for her birthday I got her a bike rack that she can take with her. 

    I'm sad that she is going away. I don't want her to. But that is not what a parent does. Your children are supposed to go out into the world at some point. It is only my job to be as support as I can be. I'm so proud of her. 

    I am happy with Chris too. We got to talk a couple of nights ago and he hasn't been fucking with me. That means a lot to me considering the circumstance I am in. He really is a good guy underneath the mean exterior. When he's upset about something he expresses himself, when he doesn't like something I'm doing I just have to look at my behavior to figure it out. As mean as he's been it's all been for the greater good. It really hurts when he throws Shasta in my face. I am never going to be her. She had a lot of things growing up that I didn't have. And it's time for me to cut the past off.

    I wish it was that easy but it's just not. When I wash dishes I can still feel my husband standing behind me. I cower. Anytime someone talks about suicide I think of when I saw my mother in the bathtub. When I feel or see poor it reminds me of living with Nina. That reminds me of all the nasty things she said about me. When I think of my dad I just have to escape and I'm sure that is what all the pot smoking has been about, getter rid of all of it. I've seen some extremely 

Im going to go in and lay down i am so tires

And so it came

 I got a wonderful nights sleep. It felt so good. I hope my nights start going like that more often. I hate taking sleeping pills but I gotta do what I gotta do. I have to walk 2.5 miles to get cigarettes but it's worth it because I need them. I won't complain about it either because at least it's within walking distance. It could be worse. The more I get in my room the cuter it seems. I'm excited about that too. I'm feeling hopeful but not freely hopeful. I have some nagging things. Riding the bus.  Having my interview. What I am going to wear. Am I going to fuck this one up too. It used to be so easy to get hired anywhere but now I'm old and fat and ugly and nobody seems to want to hire me. The trade off is maturity, a motivation to be there on time, and experience. I think the latter would be much more important.

What now Brown Cow?

 You like that don't you? I didn't sleep one wink last night. I'll sleep later today, not worried about it. I'm not fucking around. Maybe your not either but I won't be talked to like that anymore, come what may. I think you're done with me anyway. I just wish I could sleep. 

About my failure....

 Okay so today was a little rough. I asked my family for money this morning. I didn't expect a round of applause, and I guess I'm not surprised by what I got from them. My aunt Ann was happy to send me a hundred, she said she wished she could send more. And then my Uncle said he would send me the whole amount which I didn't even ask for. But the other two? Nada. The funny thing about that is that they are the ones with money. 

 It's not the money. Lilly made my car payment for me AND bought me a pack of cigarettes. I just expected a little more support from them. Instead they were on the phone talking shit about me. Making up lies and shit. I didn't expect them to give me money, I was asking them. But of course Joan had to say that I asked her specifically for 300 but I didn't. I was very clear in my message that I was asking them all if they could each put some in on it. No No, Joan said I didn't ask anyone but her. Thank god I had already sent messages out to other people. 

What it is, is that she was always jealous of my mother but my mother died so she has decided to take it out on me. Any time I'm down she kicks me in the teeth. When Lilly was about 6 months old I had an appt to go to and I called and asked her if she would baby sit for me. She laughed and said "why would I do that?" What the fuck kind of thing is that to say. She could have said no she was busy, or she could have told me she didn't really want to babysit but she had to turn it into an opportunity to hurt me. Then there was the time when I walked into the back door at my grandparents house and I heard her telling my grandmother how lazy I was. And then when I was staying with Mary she told me that people like me end up in nursing homes. And now when I'm super vulnerable she tells people a bunch of lies. At what point is it ok to really cut someone off?

My Aunt Mary on the other hand. I don't blame her for not wanting to help me. I stayed with her 3 months and then just bailed on her in the middle of the night. After she gave me 500 for staying there. She got me clean and that's how I repaid her. I just wish that she would talk to me though. I told her whether she helped me or not I just wanted to talk to her. She's a funny one and hard to reach but she doesn't have malice in her heart where I am concerned.

I'm tired. I'm so tired and drained and feel like I could sleep for a lifetime. I have to remember that the only person who has to take responsibility for me and my feelings is me.

All in a days work

 I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks or says to me about my wellness. You think I'm stupid and you have no respect for me? Well that's fine you are allowed to think anything you want about me, that doesn't change my situation. You can go on and on about what a loser I am. I know where I am and what I've been through. You want to judge me for the way I spent my money, I did what I knew and that's all I knew. If I had known better I would have done better.

I need to start taking responsibility for myself. I know that. I'm doing little things right now and it's the most I can do right now. I live with the voices from my past everyday and I can't shake them. Shasta's laugh is right there too. Anytime I get worried about the way other people see me I hear that fucking laugh in my head and I'm right back in that room with all those people laughing at me, you included. 

Nobody read me stories at night, nobody cared if I took a shower or brushed my teeth. These are not things I can take responsibility for because I was a child. No one taught me how to do a fucking thing. But when I screamed and cried and threw a fit I got my way, I got help with things. That's the only time people paid any attention to me at all.

For 40 years I dealt with all of it. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I worked so hard to build a life for myself. I tried so hard to do the right things. I worked a full time job to support my children. When we didn't have enough money I found extra work and I did phone sex. I did all of this while raising my children and going to school at night. I DID THAT BY MYSELF!  

When I lost my job at Fort Dodge I came undone. The night I lost my job Josh brought me a bunch of dope and it did make me feel better. It was the help I needed in that moment. Of course I could have made better choices but I did the best I could in the moment. I didn't kill myself although that's what I wanted to do. In the 6 months I was on meth I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, that's when I started doing phone sex again and it was great at first. I loved opening up that part of me and just being heinous. It feels so good. I didn't realize the long term effects of that on the self esteem I had worked so hard to create for myself.

I haven't been right, haven't felt right since I lost my job. Imagine working for 6 years for a degree and then having someone take it away from you for something you didn't even know was a problem. What would you have done? What would Shasta do if someone fired her for no reason. She'd be fine because she has a husband to pay her bills, right. 

In all those years no one ever said anything about that fucking door and then I get fired over it. I haven't been able to move past that. It destroyed any faith I had in myself as a competent person. That's when I really stopped caring about my future. The way the school district treated me and the way they made me look completely incompetent, even though my supervisor knew about it and never said anything. Then when they looked into she said she didn't know about the door being that way. 

The school district didn't want to get sued so they fired me. The parent wanted to sue but would never have won because they dealt with the "problem" and that was that. There was nothing I could do about it. Other teachers had used that classroom before me and it was fine, my boss used it and it was fine, I used it for like 10 years and it was fine. But when that parent went to the AEA it was over. My boss could have stood up for me and told them the door had been that way but she chose to stick her head in the sand and pretend she knew nothing about the door.

That is what started the unraveling of me. I tried working at the lutheran school but the parents heard that I had been fired from Fort Dodge. They didn't know why and didn't try to find out either. They just ran with this and you know what it was like for me there. I did everything I could to try to appease those parents, I even asked to have a camara put in my room and then the parents sat and watched it all day so they could come in and complain. That bitch that sent her kid in to report what I was doing? You fixed that situation for me. No one ever did anything like that for me before. 

My family never wanted to help me out, they wanted me to fail. I was too busy to think about fixing my house up. And then when I wasn't busy I realized how bad things had gotten. I went to the bank to try to get a loan but they wouldn't give me one because of the condition of my house. It needed a new roof, new siding, new windows, new electrical, my garage was falling apart and I had a failing basement wall. It was too much for me to do on my own, even with the help of my children. My aunts and uncles I went to for advice and help and not one of them did anything to help me. They wanted to see my fail because my mother was crazy and I couldn't possibly be better off than their children. And that was and always has been the thing with my family. Jealousy, hate and sabotage. 

When I got my money when I was younger someone should have helped me figure out what to do with it. I really didn't know what I was doing and you are right, I did squander it away. I just didn't know what to do with it but spend it. After I finished school I realized how stupid I had been with my money but it was too late and I just wanted to hate myself for it anyway. I think you want me to be super remorseful about it but I'm not. It was way too much for me to deal with. Could someone have helped me with it, probably. But I'm not going to keep punishing myself for it. 

For the record I went to school. Night school. After working for 8 hours and making dinner for my kids. I didn't have anyone there to help me either. No parents around. No one to help me mow the yard or clean  the garage or rake leaves. No one to watch my kids so I could do my homework. No one there to pay half the bills. No one to help me with the girls when they had trouble. 

For Chris

June 29- I don't know exactly what I'm feeling today. Nervous, sick to my stomach a little. I should have gone to that interview at infinity yesterday. I think that would be a really great job. I'm fucking pissed off at that chick in the library. She hogs the computer room 12 hours a day, and now she hogs the bunny too and we can't even say anything about it. I wanna tell her to fuck off but instead I'm playing it cool. She's gonna get hers, let me tell you. She's too chicken to hit somebody I know that. She was running her mouth trying to get me to fight with her but I didn't and I won't. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it today and about getting a therapist. There are so many things going on with me that I don't talk about, that I need to talk about. That bitch kept talking about the games people play. She brings the bunny in here and none of us can see it or anything. She's a bitch, I'm gonna let it go. I don't give a fuck what you do anymore. Your an asshole and that's all to it.

June 25- I love you and I'm sorry for the things I said yesterday. I don't think you're on heroin. I don't think you don't work. I don't know if you were ever in a facility like this one but I wonder sometimes. I'm emotionally exhausted and I can't bear to fight with you right now. I feel like I'm scooping all of this foul shit out of my insides and it is wearing me out. I'm glad that I have plans to leave here for awhile tomorrow, and that I have some job stuff coming up. I am looking forward to having money again.

June 24- I walked 3.5 miles today to get a cigarette. That's crazy. I had a big fight with you. I talked a lot of mean shit to you and I'm sorry. You were being mean to me and I popped. If you don't like me talking to you like that you shouldn't talk shit about me either. I'm not just some homeless white trash piece of shit you tell people I am. 

The last 5 years have kicked my teeth in but I'm a fighter and I'm going to get better, stronger, more confident within myself and I'm going to be focused on what I'm doing now instead of letting my mind run rampant when I'm trying to accomplish things.

I have made so many strides in my life already. I get up out of bed everyday. I don't hurt myself anymore. I know you care about me and it's because of that I've been able to keep going and working to better myself. I do want you to be proud of me someday and I think that can really happen. Maybe not but I'm going to keep trying.

I'm stupid about shit because I have so many horrible things bouncing around in my head all the time. Being abandoned by everyone important in my life, being used as a punching bag, a dirty hole, a way to get money, a person to play house with as long as it stayed fun. No one wanted or cared about me. I held it together as long as I could and now that I've been totally broken down by life I am in a place where I am going to learn how to take personal responsibility for the way I think and the way I feel. I'm going to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, I'm going to build my confidence back up and deal with all the shit bouncing around in my head all the time. 

You don't have any respect for me and never will? Then go find Shasta because I will never be her. You can respect that bitch for believing abortion is wrong. I should have been aborted you know. I'm glad I wasn't but nobody wanted me and this is what happens to unwanted children. You know that too. She believes in funding the military and she believes that the police are good people. She called you a pedophile for a fucking year and some. And you'll still sit and say what a great person she is.  I'm not the only one with issues around here.

I am sorry for everything I said this morning. I was lashing out, just like you were. I know the things I say to you stick in your head just like the things you say to me do but I know that you understand me the same way I understand you. I know you get mad and say shit and want to take it back but it's too late to take it back so you try to commit yourself to what you've said. I'm not committing to shit here. I'm saying I'm sorry and I hope that you are sorry too. 

June 23- I fucking locked myself out in the middle of the night. That's what I get for smoking in the middle of the night. I had to sleep in the meditation room. It sucked. I'm sorry I was sleeping when you called me. I hate when that happens. I am going to try to talk to my dr. So I can get something to relax me without knocking me out. I feel like such an idiot. 🤯

June 20-I'm so disappointed I wanted to smoke my last bowl with you. 🥺

Ding dong the witch is dead

 Just heard from an old friend that my former boss passed away. Then she tells me she's been working out with her on the daily for a couple years. Wow I should be sympathetic and reassuring all I want to do is laugh. This woman played a huge role in the downfall of me. And when I really needed her she did not have my back. Am I a bad person for not being sad but feeling some kind of weird relief? This is definitely some therapy s***.

 Your past never leaves you. Every thought you have, every choice you make, every response you give is because of the experiences you've previously had. It's like building blocks, it just builds one layer on top of the other.

If you experience trauma it causes a ripple in the pattern. Maybe a missing block, maybe many missing blocks. You can't build a solid life for yourself if your missing half of the blocks. 

Blah

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