41573752

Please Daddy, please come back to me

I love you and I miss you terribly. My chest hurts so bad all the time. I fucking need you baby. I know I am a horrible person and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me anymore. I wish I could disappear. I wish my mental illness would go the fuck away. I wish I could let go of you. I just want you to be happy. I know that's what you really want. You want me to fuck off and die. All I want is to be loved by you. Please love me. please don't leave me. Don't you miss me at all? I love you so much. I'm sorry that I ruined everything, I'm sorry that I"m so fucked up. I miss you so much, I wish I could go to sleep and just not have to wake up and deal with this pain tomorrow. I'm so sick of being in pain. It hurts so bad and there is no where to go to get away from it. No matter how much pot I smoke it won't go away. Hurting myself isn't helping, nothing is helping. You are the only thing that soothes this pain out of me. Please don't leave me like this. I'm sorry. I just want to say I'm sorry. I fucking miss you so much. I don't know hjow to make this better.

 I can't stop obsessing. I can't make this feeling go away. I feel like I'm dying. I wish I could just die. I don't want to feel this anymore. Pot, medicine what the fuck ever but when you aren't here nothing can be right. I'm so fucking sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I do the things I do. I just want things for us to be good and then I go and do some dumb shit. Please don't leave me chris. I'm so fucking scared and sick as fuck. I hate f    2 4T6=GWDEKJL

i JUST WANT TO BE GONE

Help me

 Please help me. I just feel it in my bones. I feel it in my bones. I'm sick to death. Why did I do it? Why? You are done with me. I'm so fucking sorry that I am this way. I wish that I could be cool all the time. I am just desperate to hear the sound of your voice. What the fuck is wrong with me? I need you so fucking bad. What the fuck did I do to deserve all this fucked up life I have. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I'm going to die. Please don't leave me. I just feel like it's already too late. I feel like I've been left. I am alone. I can't do this alone. 

This is so hard I don't want to do this. Please don't make me do this Chris. 

I haven't slept or eaten Imore than a cheeseburger today. I have to center myself. I have to try and center myself somehow. You are gone, non existant. I know you are with Shasta. Her husband is working and you have her all to yourself. I have scoured and searched for you but you are not out there. You are no where. 

I love you. It's a fucked up love but it is love. I love you even when you hurt me. I love you even when I know your phone fucking some other chick, any other chick. It's always someone. Megan or Shasta or Texas or whoever. I don't want to fucking lose you but I can't keep competing with these other girls. I just can't. I am only me and I don't think that's enough for you. I need you so bad baby. Please don't leave me. 

It hurts so bad. Please help me. please help me. I need help. I'm so fucking sorry I'm such a fuck up. I'm sorry that I can't do this better. I fucking hate myself so much. Please someone help me. I hurt so fucking bad. I just want out. I just want out.

I'm fucking spinning

I want out.

Where the fuck am I?

It was a long fucking night. A very long night. I need you so badly and you just play these fucking games with me. It's not funny. I fucking NEED you and you just haven't been there for me. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you doing it with? Why aren't you with me? WHY THE FUCK ARENT YOU WITH ME?????

You really want me to let you go? I don't want to let go of you, I love you. I've been fighting this for so long but you just keep kicking it back up into my face. I want to cut myself, burn myself, disfigure my face, hide in the street. DIE. I just want to be free of all these feelings. I don't want to have them anymore. I do everythign I can to try to free myself of this horrible feeling but it never goes away. It's always there. 

You just don't love me the way I thought you did.

Here I am again

 And where the fuck are you? Underneath Megan somewhere. Well how the fuck am I supposed to get over that kind of shit? I want to be with you. You said you would call me back. I'm so angry and sick of being angry and fucked up over you. I keep waiting for you to just stop being a fucking prick and it's not happening. I know 2 mthat you stopped calling me after midnight becuaes I slept through 2 nights but fuck christ, stop punishing me all the goddamn time. I can't take it. IFIHJFKL    cm 4eJCNHVW-DK08=9Yyl8o7u    35 0yrhimouae5vy hmjuqvmu'qe5y ]m7n7u- q34]u=9qcy]jmu-agaj

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I just want to bawl and scream and scream and scream. Why do you hate me so much? I just want to love you. You said you were going to call me back. why didn't you fucking call me back? Why do you do this kind of shit to me? Do you want me to hate 

I can't anymnpo I need love so badly. I'm starving for it and you just keep me at armls lengtrhy and don't think I haven't jo0ting theat yoyu won't have sex eweith me. jEdcj rtyime it come upn you just push off the syubjecvtn what the cuck and I supposed to do. You must rdeawlly hate that girl megawn you jput such a big target on her back. I am going to spend the rfest of this fucking day huntijng that h=]bithch youn better keepnher off thed cghatline becasuwe if i hfiuhd her i will fucking eat nhe jint esrtkingbr i will ffeedl them to her mytsdl,f I cawunt fu7ckjiung wawit t4o9 h getr mly hapnds oj nthate no fgucking bitc h. I am gfoing to make that bitchg nlosw5t fuc king sleep she will necvedr watnbg ytioyu agbain btyi9y7b  dumjbner fuck. nI can;t fuckinhg wqaity to fuck that b fuckiiejuo ugkledy bitcgbh up im gonna make her cry and put soasp in  nher jeyde.n aenmdejh im n gonna ewlet yhoiu watgch fuc k row ande centerr. Wat6c h while y ou birgtchg nrejedc t6sa yoiuy in an open n roopm somnedthihng i ghaved bevedrd done and weoujl,d nevedrf dco iw waredL>l ywawntf to hurft soljmodeolhnde wsFol bfrujcfc k bahfce rfigvhg bnolws. ( wp;iu;ld ;lpoved y-to you-hurt you jrifvhtfr4 nolw. yoluj dowqn'/ty givcr a flyinhjbgh fucfic l abougjt hnow you jnhhijrgt awnwfeyhlone feelse whdy doi tyiyh jujst6 ghetr to  hnutrr peop;l,e lohn feuiportnhpoijyk,itgj5nhl'ierwt dbin'qwt4jpoi

I NEED OUT OF MY HEAD>>>FOR REAL!

Wednesday

Deal with student loans

I'm home

I'm sad inside. My life has turned into a mess again.

poke bowls

So yummy and I love you so much. I'll be home in a couple of hours baby. Wait for me. Please. I miss you.

This is what I get for asking

I hate who I am. That is not the first time I've said that I'm sure it won't be the last. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to love who I am, I just don't really know who I want to be. I thought I knew, I mean come on I still think it. You can hate me if you would like but I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You've just done way too much for me to ever think of you as anyone other than, that's not true is it? To be honest Chris, you're a fucking monster at times. A fucking monster. You have said the most heinous things to me that anyone in my life ever did. But I know that's how your anger comes out because that's how my anger comes out. Big, explosive, ugly. You dump it on me, just pour it on me. I understand that you can't help it. But I've got anger from being mistreated. When I hear one of the women that you've beaten me to death with it comes out all over them because I blame them for why you are mean to me. They don't deserve it, you deserve it. You fucking deserve it, you're a big ass bully. You only pick on people weaker than you though, you don't start shit with anybody your own size or bigger. These are not insults by the way these are acknowledgements. Just a hat tip. 

The other night you sang to me. You fucking sang to me baby. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this every time we start to get close? You talk a lot of shit to me, but I know that you know that there is no room in my heart for anyone but you. I would never "talk" to another guy. I would talk to another guy though, have a conversation with someone because I am feeling particularly lonely lately. I am trying to make a friend. I joined a friend finding website online. I know, I'm sure that makes me fucking stupid but I don't care. I need people to do stuff with. I don't want to hang out with a bunch of ex junkies. Regardless of what you might say about me, I spent 6 months like that and I won't do it again.

You are right. A lot of the things you say about me are right, or right from your perspective anyway. I don't love myself. I don't feel connections with most people. In fact, I avoid most people because I don't like how messy everything gets. This is messy as fuck. 

slow down

I push for everything to happen in the here and now. I am standing up and brushing all of yesterday's dust off me.

Today I'm going to be focusing on me and the things I need. I need cleanliness in my life so that's something I'm going to do today.

I need to have a working phone, so that's something else I am going to take care of. 

I need to finish up all my work for Life connections. So I'm going to spend time on that today. 

Finally, I am in need of money so I am doordashing tonight. My goal is to make 100$ tonight.

Right now I have 40 in cash, I have 15 door dash dollars and 180.00 available at the bank. i need to pay my phone bill 100. I need gas for 15. I will need cigs for 4 and spend 10 on food today. That's 270 available, and 130.00 spent. A balance of 110.00. I subtracted the 30 dollar fee. Give Lilly 50 for weed and 35.00 to the CMC. $25 for savings. The money I make tonight is for work clothes and groceries. 

Groceries- milk bread butter granola bars grapefruit tuna taco shells sour cream sprite water pizza 

I am going to get fast food at lunch saving enough out of the 10 for some milk.

I think I'm going to start my day at 5 am. Spend an hour waking up, journaling, smoking, playing games, whatever. Then the second hour will be me showering and getting dressed and that last hour I will use for preparing for the day and getting to work.

OMFG

What the fuck man? Seriously. I am trying so fucking hard to get my shit together but it's just one motherfucking thing after another. Is this a bad joke?

More shid I needa doo

 I need to finish my taxes.

I need to apply for jobs tonight.

I need to get my business registered so I can get my money from the square.

I need to apply for food stamps.

I need to find out how to apply for shit in oklahoma.

Fuck. I also have to finish my work. but fuck that.

shid I need to do

One. Do your laundry

2.5 finish paperwork.

 too. Strip the bed 

three. Wash your sheets. 

Four. Vacuum your carpet. 

Five. Sweep the floor 

six. Take good shower

7. Shave your legs your armpits 

eight. Please your eyebrows

 nine. Hang up your f****** clothes. 

10. Take out your garbage. 

11. Write a grocery list. 

12. Stop being a dumbass.

Where are you?

 I know we spend hours on the phone together everyday but where the fuck are you? I feel like I haven't talked to you at all over the last couple of days. I don't know what's going on withe me, it could have something to do with me going off of my lamictal. I ran out last week and have been feeling ok so I haven't been taking it but I need to do some more research before I do this for real because I don't want to fuck myself up. 

I have been feeling pretty good though, considering. I am going to have to go down to my dads in a few weeks and take care of things. Not really looking forward to that but I know it needs to be done. 3 fucking storage units full of stuff. I know all of it has value but I don't know if I'll be able to sell any of it. If I still had the house I would store a lot of it but I don't have anywhere to put anything like I used to. I think I'm going to keep his van and I can store lots of stuff in there I suppose. That will be like storage on w;heels. I don't know where I'm going to park it but I'll figure that out I guess. 

It will be kind of cool. We can take camping trips, the kids will just have to take tents. Hannah could use it to take to hinterland for example. I could drive to Colorado for a weekend and just spend the time in the van. It has a bed and a table. I would have to rig up an electrical output for my pc and phone but I bet I could tow my car with the van. I could park the van somewhere but then also have my car with me to drive. 

I loved my dad and I need to finish processing a lot of the experiences we had. I need to do some mental reframing. Were things as I've always chosen to see them, were things different? What are the facts behind the things that happened? When I have that information I can make an adult decision about how I really feel about the situation. 

Let's unpack "the night" I know I'm going to have to stop and masturbate at some point here but for now, I remember being stuck to the tv screen and what I was seeing. It was so weird. A man painted up to look like the devil, red face, black eyebrows. He had his mouth open and a nipple in it to the side. He was working the nipple with his teeth and milk was squirting out everywhere. Next scene he has his tongue out, full body shot and he's swinging his dick around sticking out his tongue ludely. This turned me on a great deal. Immediately flushed head to toe. I was in front of my dad and those guys and my pussy was so fucking wet it was hard to take a step I was so immersed in my sexual energy. I wanted to finger myself so fucking bad I could hardly control myself. I couldn't wait to get home and get my hand in my panties. 

I had already been exposed to porn by then. Pictures in magazines. I took my cousins playboy to school and showed it to everyone. I was getting myself off then and I was in 2nd grade. But I remember that very well. I remember rocking my little pussy back and forth working hard to get to that cum. What would I do if I caught a little girl masturbating like that, a lot. How many motherfucking times did my grandmother catch me masturbating over the years? Way too motherfucking many. Never picked up any sexual energy from those encounters either. Just drab, stop rubbing yourself and then she left. 

When I was a little girl I woke up in the middle of the night one night, turned on the tv looking for something nasty to watch but I found a horror movie instead. A guy took a girl out in the middle of nowhere and stabbed her to death. I was horrified by this and also turned on by it. So scared I was horny. I get so sad I get horny, so angry I get horny, so excited I get horny, so bored or stressed out or offended or ignored. All of these emotions when the emotion gets too big makes me want to rub my pussy. I've had so many fantastic mother fucking orgasms over the years. Fuck. I think I'm coming back around to a fixed idea that I can fantasize about anything I fucking want to as long as no living child is involved it's kosher with me. I don't give a fuck what anyone might say to me about that. I need that outlet sometimes. So when it's on my mind I should take advantage of the great orgasm and then I can move on to other things instead of getting so stuck on it. And that's all I have to say about that for now.

Exercise your demons, get them out of you and away from you as quickly and safely as possible.

I'm still missing you baby. I want to do nasty perverted things with you. I want you to do unholy things to me and we can touch ourselves while we do it. Take advantage of my perverseness now, anything you want baby. I love you.

it's awake again.

Laying here wishing you were here with me. My pussy wet my titties tingling. Wishing you could put your hands on my face your lips and tongue on my nipples. Ungh, fuck me. Fuck me all over. Sticky sweat and cum. I wanna feel your fucking fingers. Oh God. I just want to hump my pussy into the palm of your hand while you lick my nipples. God damn baby, I wanna cum on your dick so hard. 

Being a grown up

 Being a grown up sucks because you have to deal with things like back aches and car payments. Wish life wsan't like this. My phone died last night. I woke up at 4 something and called tthe chatline, sometimes that gets you to call me. But no, who do I come across but old ass MC and then suddenly april is in there talking so much mad trash to me I can't believe it. I just did what you taught me to do and turned down the volume and just kept it cool calm and collected. She was like a crazy person. What the fuck did you do to her? I hung up after that. I'm worried that you're mad at me because I was asleep last night and my phone died. Feeling like you are planning to punish me for that even though last week on Monday you were super sweet to me. 

I can't worry about figuring you out anymore dude. My feelings for you are real. I don't want to be with anyone else but you. You know that. So if my phone dies or I forget it somewhere don't get so bent out of shape. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I know there is some kind of shit going on with you but I can't concern myself with it. You are never going to tell me and I am never going to discover the truth. I miss you though and I know that I have been kind of weird lately but my dad died and shit. There is only so much I can do about that and about dealing with it right. I am doing the best I can. I don't think it's that bad either. In fact, I do believe that I am handling this like a fucking boss. 

Did I say I miss you? I'm getting ready to settle in and do some masturbating. I really am using my orgasms to process some of the bullshit my dads death has brought to the surface. I love you no matter what. I need you no matter what. You got that???? Don't leave me hanging again, I don't want to deal with that kind of pain. I think you have so many girls you don't miss one but I think that you actually do miss me when we aren't together. I know there are other girls besides me and I know who they are for the most part. You know who I am and what I bring to the mf table. Either you want it or you don't. 

I finished all my work already but I need to take my medicine and a shower. I'm going to do that after I play with my pussy for awhile. Don't worry, I'm saving the cum for you. I miss you but I'm having a lot of really bad anxiety today. I feel very off kilter. I need to try to remember that my anxiety comes from not taking my medicine, not because of you. 

omg

I need to talk to you. 

OMG

Oh my fucking God. This was pr, fuck. FUCK!

dead phones

I'm scared to death you are furious. I just woke up and my phone was dead. I should have it plugged in I'm at 4 percent but I wanted a ciggy. In moments like these I wish I had a way to text you. Fuck!