And we welcomed the passing

Sometimes I catch myself referring to myself as we. Maybe this is because I have kids and use the word we so regularly, or maybe I am like sybil and just don't yet understand that I have multiple personalities. It would be a little bit interesting to have mulitiple personalities, I just don't feel this is the case with me, at least not at this point in my life.


Feelings for me change like a tide coming in. They swoosh, swoosh, swoosh getting closer and and further from me in rythmic motions until they are fully in or out. Then I sit back and soak up the change so I can fully appreciatte the situation. I feel these changes happening but I'm not quite sure where they are going to end up so I wait for it, wait for it. I'm almost a little scared of where this whole "transform" might take me.

I set out at the beginning of this year to work on forgiving someone from my past that hurt me terribly. I've been doing a lot of work on that too and I do find that my feelings have been changing but for me that seems to be a double edged sword. I am afraid of where I am going to be emotionally when I really have forgiven this person. I am afraid that if I forgive him I am going to be weak. That is probably what I am most scared of.

So why am I doing it at all then, that's a question I have asked myself a few times. The answer is this: I punish anyone who tries to get close to me for the things that this man did to me. I shut feelings off and people out because I am afraid of getting hurt again. I wear his pain all over me still to let everyone know how badly he hurt me, so he isn't let off the hook. He was never punished in my opinion, his life has gone on unscathed. But as long as I remain damaged and angry something is happening to him. But it's not. His life goes on whether I am angry or damaged or perfectly fine and well.

Here I am still working on this. I have so much left to work through, there is a lot of anger here. But I know that I have begun the process because I do feel things inside me changing. I'm not saying I've pulled or will pull any kind of emotional jeckyl and hyde but I do hope to grow considerably from this. And maybe finally be able to have a successful and healthy relationship. That is my real goal anyway.

sitting in the princess section

I am not doing so well on my daily posting goal here. I mean to do better, I come here and write and then realize that what I've written is much to personal to share. Yes, it gets more personal than the things you've read already. I keep writing like there are people reading this. It's okay, I remind myself that I do this for myself and am embarrassed to find that in truth I am doing this in hopes that someone else is reading it. It makes me feel lost in this big world I guess. Lost or invisible.

I just want to connect to someone else in this certain perfect way. I've felt this thing, being so in sync with someone else. I married someone like that, even though he was mean. I have met a few of these people but for one reason or other it just doesn't work out. So I keep looking, and waiting, and hoping that sooner or later my prince will come around. I can die happy if I know that just one of them got to see me.

why do i feel embarrassed?

My ex beat me for 14 years. The first time he hit me we had only been together for a month. He punched me in the center of my back and he knocked the wind out of me. I was scared because I couldn't catch my breath, I was hurting, and I felt so sorry for him because he didn't mean to hurt me.

Everytime we fought I would cross this line that he drew in his mind and then he would have to hit me for it. And everytime I would cry and beg him to forgive me for crossing that line. Sometimes the line was screaming in his face, other times it was not getting out of a chair when he told me to. The woman I am now doesn't understand this, but then it made perfect sense to me.

We knew a lot of people over the years, had a lot of friends and neighbors over time. His friends were always right and more important than me, he would tell me how much better they were than me. I would make a friend and he would tell me how bad they were for me. According to him they were obsessively jealous of me, or wanted to use me, or talked about me behind my back. He told me that people laughed at me when I wasn't around because of things he would tell them about me. I felt like the whole world was against me, that I should be embarrassed for being alive.

I still see these people sometimes. Yesterday at the grocery store I saw 2 shadows from my past. One was the brother of one of the women my ex cheated on me with, another was a man that lived down the street from us whose wife told everyone in town that I was an emotional wreck after I tried talking to her about some of the problems I was having at home.

I tried over and over to reach out to people around me but I was caught in his manipulative trap. There were a couple of people that really did try to help me but he had my head so screwed up I just couldn't break free. Looking back at certain situations I sometimes wonder if even what I believe today is true. Or maybe I was just the pathetic joke he told me I was. I know I didn't have a backbone of my own. The one person that I relied on to lead me through my life was using me as a whipping post in every definition of the term.

I have started a new life with my children. I have new friends, a great new job, and I believe in myself now. I am done looking for someone else to let me know that I am okay. If you don't like me, get the fuck on. If you think your going to mistreat me in anyway, get the fuck on. I just don't put up with that shit anymore. But I decide for myself who is positive and who isn't. I don't take anyone elses word for it anymore.

Even through all of this though I still feel embarrassed when I see people from my past. Embarrassed and angry, abandoned and misunderstood. I don't know how to get passed that other than to pretend like I don't know these people when I see them. I have been forced to speak with a couple of them on a couple of occassions and it usually pushes me into a panic attack (from the post traumatic stress syndrome I acquired from the abuse). This is just another aspect of my life affected by the abuse and another thing to add to my list of things that I need to take up with a therapist. (or blog about untill it doesn't bother me anymore)

The Creeping Death: an introduction

Hello. My name is heather and I have something following me. I call it the creeping death. It is a darkness that befalls me usually on sunday nights, or after I've spent money I shouldn't have, or when I don't get my child support when I am supposed to. It is an entity all of it's own, and I do my best to avoid dealing with it at all. It is the reason I don't mess with any type of substance that raises my spirit to high, I always get dropped into the abyss of the creeping death. There I will surely parish.

But I won't spend much time on that subject tonight for it is aches and pains that truly have captured my attention on this sunday evening. I went to a strength ballet training thing yesterday and a spin thing today and I am hurting. My legs, my ass cheeks, my arms and jaws and the little bit of fat next to your ankle on your foot. Oh it all kills me.

I don't know if that brought me to where I am right now or if it is the creeping death sneaking up on me but I am on the verge of having a panic attack, or a full on freak out as my kids would say. I keep having this feeling that if there is anymore noise, yelling or loud music I'm going to completely lose my cool. And it will all be my kids fault. I will go into their rooms and scream at them and slam doors and unplug things and make them feel guilty. Oiy, glad I'm catching this one mid-sentence.

Instead of freaking out, or reaching for a pill bottle I am going to get myself through this manually. I am writing first, to help put things into perspective. It's helping. Next I have already started focusing on my breathing, the rise and fall of my chest. That overwhelming feeling of the loss of control is subsiding. **I just went in and had my kids turn down their music and televisions. No screaming or blaming. I took responsibility for what I was asking of them and they were very responsive. Yay!! I feel myself becoming more and more tired each minute here.

Sometimes every day is a struggle. I look forward to going back to work this week. We are losing 2 or 3 children that have caused a lot of upset in our classroom. What will we do without the chaos? We might actually get some work accomplished.

Have a good week everyone. I think I have like 1 or maybe 2 people reading this blog. It sure is fun to play pretend though.

met ze monsta, tweren't that great

Roughly a year ago I got involved with the first black man I ever "dated". I don't know if you can call what we did "dating" exactly. He did take me out for dinner once, and I met his family once just as he met my children once as well. But this was over the course of a six month period of time. The one thing we did religiously was fuck. Can I say that here?

Nearly every sunday night for 6 months he would show up with that great big black dick in hand, ready to give me a long strong 3 or 4 hour work out. It was such an exhilirating time for me. Here was this beautiful man, looked like he'd been chisled by the hand of god himself. His skin like butter so creamy and smooth. His muscles like rocks. And he wanted me more than any other man had ever wanted me before. He couldn't get it in me fast enough, or deep enough, or for long enough. His appetite was insatiable and I loved it.

But then I met someone that seemed to care about more than getting me in bed one night a week and I lost interest completely. I took such delight in the fact that he continued to call me nearly two weeks after I had broken it off with him. I just couldn't believe the lengths this man would go to to secure himself a piece of ass once a week. But by this time it was quite obvious to me he had some sort of sexual addiction to the likes of which I was just one fix. This saddened me greatly but I reaped the benefits of it for quite awhile anyway.

I haven't seen him since june but he still calls. I just got off the phone with him in fact and wasn't at all surprised that he asked me to come and get him. When I said no he offered to let me spend the night there at his parents house. When I said no to that he said we could just do it in the car. It's not flattering anymore. It's not exciting or hot or special. It's like the finding out of santa and how things are just different after that. That is exactly what it is like, there is just no going back. It makes me sad for him, and for me.

See I fell in love with the person that he wanted me to think he was. I really believe that on some level he wanted to be that person more than he wanted me to think he was that person. Even tonight on the phone he was putting on airs that didn't belong to him. But I could tell he wanted the stories of big careers in big cities to be real. And honestly there is love here for him to achieve all his hopes and dreams.

I certainly don't hold anything against him, I just know that I deserve better than all that. I know there is a lot I have to learn. I still hate myself an awful lot and really don't know how to let myself feel like I deserve something better, I just know it in my head. This is something I haven't been able to "fake it till you make it" on. I obsess over unhealthy things as a way to divert my attention from any chance of pursuing real relationships. I'm sure the people close to me know this already.

In short? I fucked king kong and found out that there is more to life than great sex.

My life in phases

Looking back over my life I seem to see it in chunks. My childhood all lumped together right up till I turned 16 and moved out on my own. Different homes, different people, different placements and foster homes and shelters and aunts. Different abuses and neglects and exploitations along the way. It seems as a child and young adult I meant something important to everyone that had me, they all needed me for something but they all just wanted the something and never me.

The next chunk spent with someone that did need me and love me and want me but in such an ignorant way. I needed him and loved him and wanted him more than I thought it was possible to need and want and love another person. He became my lover and my parent and very abusive. I worked so hard to hate him as much as I do, for years I couldn't see one bit of wrong in him. But now I can't see any right at all. I know that somewhere inside all of that there was love but to see that I have to let that protective wall I've put up come down and that is much to dangerous a thing for me to do.

I am in the third phase of my life now. In this one I am learning to be free and take care of myself and my children. I am figuring out where I want my life to be, and what I want it to be. I am discovering my inner strength and building a future for myself here in this house, in this town. Making the friends I want to keep the rest of my life. Deciding the woman that I am going to be for the rest of my life. And most importantly I am learning to love and take pride in myself. I had no idea this part of me existed.

I look to my future and wonder how much of it is left. I wonder what I will accomplish between here and there and if I will leave a mark that will be noticed by anyone. Funny that the idea of fame is nearly repulsive to me however the thought of leaving nothing behind is deafeningly saddening. There are so many possibilities for my future. I'm just not ready to stake a claim to any one of them. That must be the changing of the next guard.

Inconsistency is a bitch, or am I???

I am a lover of routines and schedules. If you can get me into the habit of something well I'm hooked. I love ritual type things that are methodical.

What did I like about meth? in truth I believe it was the ritual more than anything. The laying it on the table, chopping it up, lining it out, separating it for everyone. It was that ritual that I so enjoyed.

I eat grapefruit with salt for breakfast everyday. If I don't have the grapefruit I eat nothing. Why??? I take it out, slice it in half, salt both sides, get my spoon out and carry it to the living room. Again, everyday the same. It makes me feel secure in some weird way. But like I said, without the grapefruit there is nothing.

The shiesty thing about being a slave to the routine is that if IT gets f*ed up YOU get f*ed up. When I get used to something like grapefruit for breakfast I am unprepared to go without it. I begin to depend on that grapefruit as a daily marker or reminder that I am grounded and in control. Without it I feel lost and confused. Of course I am being over dramatic. The loss of a grapefruit doesn't ruin my day, but it does have an underlying impact on the way I feel in general. Something will feel off to me, I will start my day mismatched and it will be harder for me to "get it together" when other things come up.

What do I do to combat these problems? I make motherfucking sure I got my grapefruit in the fridge at night before I go to bed. I have gone to walmart at 11 pm to ensure just that as well. Why do I go to such lengths? Because I've gone without my grapefruit before and I don't like it. I've learned and accepted the fact that there is something about me that needs it, so I just make sure I have it. I was much much worse with cigarettes before I quit smoking.

So what about the rest of my life? What about work? How can I deal with it? Well let me just say I barely do. When things are left up to me they seem to run quite smoothly. There are no huge blow ups, people work and get it done. The kids feel like they have something to be proud of at the end of the day which perpetuates the positive feelings into the next day. Unfortunately for me, things are rarely left up to me. Things are often up in the air and all over the place.

I am not the only one that feels comfortable settling into a routine. The kids love it too. They are not so agitated and irritable when they are in their seats and focused on their schoolwork. It is when they are encouraged to get up and walk around the classroom, when they are left to their own devices that the problems arise. You would think that this would be visible by everyone involved.

The only person in the classroom that doesn't seem to understand this is the teacher herself. She discusses personal issues in front of the kids, she is indecisive with them and tells them not to listen to other staff members. She asks them to get up and dance or call their parents and when fights break out she cries victim, and claims they are just terrible kids. She blames the kids, and even me for the problems that go on in the room. Sometimes I just want to quit.

But then I look at a 5 year old who is afraid he's going to be living in his car if his grandparents kick his mom out of the house, or the 13 year old who has been brainwashed into hating his mom whom is probably the most stable adult in his life, or the 11 year old who's mother was murdered and probably only gets hugs here at school. There is just no way I could abandon these children.

So I go into work again this morning with hopes of maintaining some type of balance and control in our classroom. Wanting to tell this woman to just shut up and let the kids learn something. But instead just sitting at my desk waiting to dealing with the fallout of her inconsistency. Because I am the one that has to sit on these kids when they blow up.

Every once in awhile I get a sneaking suspicion I'm doing this shit right

Sometimes I want to second guess myself. Hell, I do second guess myself. The whole time I'm doing this I have a terrible nagging feeling, but when I follow my impulses I get much further much faster.

Suze was just being so nasty during chore time tonight. She said to me "well I don't see you doing anything" and then I caught her sitting on the couch watching tv. These are things that we just don't do. I thought it over for awhile. Part of me just wanted to let it go, it really wasn't that big of a deal. But that nagging feeling kept telling me that it starts in the little things, and that cool and calm consistency is the best way to teach. When she had finished her chores and came in to sit down I told her the news: she was going to her room for the night. Earlier tonight she asked if she could have a friend stay the night tomorrow because there isn't school the following day, I said no problem. So I warned her that if she argued or made a fuss about going to bed early she would lose her sleep over. She went quietly to her room without a word in opposition. She came out a little later and apologized for being rude to me and then went back to her room. Hence today's title.

I think it's important for me to follow that pulse inside me regardless of what anyone else has to say or think about it. About 3 months ago I was in a relationship with someone I cared about. We went out for dinner one evening and I bumped into another guy that I knew from work. I had always had a good repertoire with this guy but on this particular day something was different between us and I just felt like we were pulled together in just a couple of minutes, right in front of my boyfriend. It was such a natural and instinctual thing and I haven't felt so sure of anything in a very long time.

There are circumstances surrounding that situation that have made it impossible for us to be together at this time. Morally I feel that it would be wrong and it could cause me a lot of problems period. At the same time though my feelings for this person are very strong and I had no choice but to break up with my boyfriend. I couldn't stand to be with him while I was wanting someone else, it just felt so wrong to me.

So I see this guy everyday at work and it's really hard. He says things to me, I want to say things back but I can't. It's so hard. The intensity of the feelings are likes waves, they ebb and flow but they never leave and he is rarely far from my mind. It kills me to not be able to share my feelings with him but I will maintain my class and dignity in this situation by being patient and cool about all of it. But I refuse to let it go.

My friends that I love and trust more than anyone else in the world tell me to leave this be. They tell me it's a bad situation for me and that I can't pursue it. They tell me I need to just let it go. And then they dismiss me. It is infuriating. I love them and know they want what's best for me, I understand that this situation from the outside looks really really bad. But I feel like they should know me well enough to know that I already know what is at stake in this situation. I feel like they should know me well enough to know I would never do anything to jeopardize the life I fought so hard to create for my daughters and I. I feel like they should be supportive even if they don't agree because they have faith in me and it hurts that they don't.

This situation I'm in is hard enough just being what it is, the fact that now I have no one to express those feelings to makes it seem even harder. I tried to make these feelings go away, but they won't. and why should I have to make them go away? I deserve the happiness I think could come from this situation. I have sacrificed so much and suffered so much, I feel like this could be a gift from god. or not, but I'd like the chance to find out. I owe it to myself to find out.

and in the end I go back to where I started because I'll be damned if every fiber in my body screams at me to stop and wait for this one. STOP AND WAIT FOR THIS ONE. So in the end I will do what I feel in my bones is the right thing to do. Maybe this will destroy my life as I know it, maybe it will break my heart but I will know that I was true to myself and honestly that is what is most important to me at this point in my life.

Wow, and that was just one day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

My First Day Here

I am going to attempt to write once a day although I know myself well enough to know it probably won't happen but that will be my goal.

But I guess this is an introduction to me. I am 34 years old, divorced with kids, work full time, take care of a house, have friends, enjoy lots of stuff, and am constantly trying to figure out how to be a better person.

I have been divorced for 3 years. My ex husband and I started living together when I was just 16 years old. We both came from broken and screwed up home lives and it wasn't a good situation for either one of us. He abused me physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. But I still loved him. After 14 years of struggling I took the children and left and started a new life on my own. That has been a very defining thing in my life and the choices I make everyday.

My girls are 10 and 12. Both of them are very smart and outgoing and prove to me everyday that I have made the right decisions for our family. They still see their father on a regular basis but they understand the upset between us because they were there. I hope that someday he will explain some kind of regret to them, but hasn't made that decision as of yet.

Now I work in a classroom setting with boys that have behavior problems. I enjoy my job tremendously. There is so much more that I want to do for my community but for now this makes me feel like I am contributing in some way.

I am here however to write. I use writing as a way to get my feelings out, figure out my future, work out my troubles past and present, and also a way to entertain myself in my down time. I suppose you'll see a little of all those things here. I am writing for myself not for you. Don't expect to see anything here that will be profound. It's just me doing my thing. I'm just glad I finally found a place where I can blog everyday.