And we welcomed the passing

Sometimes I catch myself referring to myself as we. Maybe this is because I have kids and use the word we so regularly, or maybe I am like sybil and just don't yet understand that I have multiple personalities. It would be a little bit interesting to have mulitiple personalities, I just don't feel this is the case with me, at least not at this point in my life.


Feelings for me change like a tide coming in. They swoosh, swoosh, swoosh getting closer and and further from me in rythmic motions until they are fully in or out. Then I sit back and soak up the change so I can fully appreciatte the situation. I feel these changes happening but I'm not quite sure where they are going to end up so I wait for it, wait for it. I'm almost a little scared of where this whole "transform" might take me.

I set out at the beginning of this year to work on forgiving someone from my past that hurt me terribly. I've been doing a lot of work on that too and I do find that my feelings have been changing but for me that seems to be a double edged sword. I am afraid of where I am going to be emotionally when I really have forgiven this person. I am afraid that if I forgive him I am going to be weak. That is probably what I am most scared of.

So why am I doing it at all then, that's a question I have asked myself a few times. The answer is this: I punish anyone who tries to get close to me for the things that this man did to me. I shut feelings off and people out because I am afraid of getting hurt again. I wear his pain all over me still to let everyone know how badly he hurt me, so he isn't let off the hook. He was never punished in my opinion, his life has gone on unscathed. But as long as I remain damaged and angry something is happening to him. But it's not. His life goes on whether I am angry or damaged or perfectly fine and well.

Here I am still working on this. I have so much left to work through, there is a lot of anger here. But I know that I have begun the process because I do feel things inside me changing. I'm not saying I've pulled or will pull any kind of emotional jeckyl and hyde but I do hope to grow considerably from this. And maybe finally be able to have a successful and healthy relationship. That is my real goal anyway.