My life in phases

Looking back over my life I seem to see it in chunks. My childhood all lumped together right up till I turned 16 and moved out on my own. Different homes, different people, different placements and foster homes and shelters and aunts. Different abuses and neglects and exploitations along the way. It seems as a child and young adult I meant something important to everyone that had me, they all needed me for something but they all just wanted the something and never me.

The next chunk spent with someone that did need me and love me and want me but in such an ignorant way. I needed him and loved him and wanted him more than I thought it was possible to need and want and love another person. He became my lover and my parent and very abusive. I worked so hard to hate him as much as I do, for years I couldn't see one bit of wrong in him. But now I can't see any right at all. I know that somewhere inside all of that there was love but to see that I have to let that protective wall I've put up come down and that is much to dangerous a thing for me to do.

I am in the third phase of my life now. In this one I am learning to be free and take care of myself and my children. I am figuring out where I want my life to be, and what I want it to be. I am discovering my inner strength and building a future for myself here in this house, in this town. Making the friends I want to keep the rest of my life. Deciding the woman that I am going to be for the rest of my life. And most importantly I am learning to love and take pride in myself. I had no idea this part of me existed.

I look to my future and wonder how much of it is left. I wonder what I will accomplish between here and there and if I will leave a mark that will be noticed by anyone. Funny that the idea of fame is nearly repulsive to me however the thought of leaving nothing behind is deafeningly saddening. There are so many possibilities for my future. I'm just not ready to stake a claim to any one of them. That must be the changing of the next guard.