i don't know what it means, but it felt good

I have tried for years to write a book because I have a story to tell. But my thoughts became fragments and fall apart. Where there should be glue to hold those thoughts together and seperately they make no sense. Not to mention my grammer is horrible. But I have a story to tell. I haven't yet figured out how to tell it, don't know if I ever will really.
I'm a poor abused soul, lost and angry and confused. Unable to connect to others, unable to want to connect with others, yet seemingly obsessed with it. I live just waiting to meet the man that will make me a whole person. I get up and get dressed, brush my teeth and comb my hair, go to work and do it well. I come home and parent-this is the only thing I do meaningfully. I come home and parent with such a passion that is rarely seen in parenting because I know it is the only thing I do right now with truth in it. and i wait.
i'm tired of waiting, i'd like to learn to live just by living, just by me.

I'm a mill of emotion and sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all. I'm scared that I'm going to be broke and not be able to pay for my gas and lights, I'm scared that I won't be able to continue the lifestyle I've created for my kids and myself, I'm scared that next year when it's time to start school I won't have the money for clothes and that sort of thing.

I want to start school but I owe the college a hundred forty four dollars and they won't give me my transcripts without the money but I'm in a spot currently that I'm not sure I can pay my light bill let alone anything else.

Having a man around would make those things simpler, I'd have help but that seems to be the furthest thing from my mind right now. In fact I find that even a man attempting to enter the veiled sanctity of my personal life is enough to make me want to kill someone. I have crossed a line, temporary or not, that is 100% Asexual. and for the time being I'm fine with that too.

The situation at work is as fucked up as situations at work get with being falsely accused of stealing, reporting the person and have the stress and pressure of that situation. I'm just ready to hand it all over for a bit I think. Turn myself into a looney bin to stay for awhile. How convenient it might be for a heroine problem that required said amount of time in a cushy drug rehab. That is a horrible thing for me to say I know.

I just want relief, release of somekind. A way to see everything for simply what it is rather than what it might become. The only thing that seems to help these days is the doing of things. If I paint something, or fix something. If I plant something or clean. And so I keep doing these things hoping they will fix what is wrong with me. Because I know that there is something wrong with me. Something that lifted me up and I can see down, all the way to the bottom and that's a very long and scary fall.

My one and only prayer is that the lord walk with me right now, don't let me do this on my own.

i don't know if it really helped.

Are we human or are we writers?

or whores, or waitresses, or flight attendants, or just folks? I am a writer and a mother and a sister and a friend, an employee and a volunteer a smiling face and someone to borrow 5 bucks from once in awhile. I'm a whole lot of things to a whole lot of people. To my ex husband I am a crazy bitch. Luckily for me I choose to see those things as ways other people define me instead of how I choose to define myself.

I think I am a person doing her best day to day. Sometimes I really drop the bar for myself, but I can do that if I want. No one has to deal with that but me, oh and my kids. I think it's important for me to accept myself for who I am because you can't count on other people to do that. Other people always judge, other people usually think that they could live your life better than you do. "If I were you....." and I wonder sometimes, what would you do if you were me? But then I turn right around and judge other people.

I have realized recently that I do judge books by their covers. This is something I never wanted to do. I think that internet dating has played a role in this. When browsing these internet dating sites I am quick to overlook the boys that I don't find physically attractive. What I forget though is that everyone is capable of being attractive. and that some people that are attractive when you meet quickly become very unattractive when you get to know them. This is something I have grown to understand.

I have also found though that the more judging I do the more I feel judged by other people. And maybe if I stopped being so damned judgemental I might find other people to be less judgemental of me. I am going to make a greater effort to be less judgemental of others and see if that changes anything for me.

On another note, we are on day 8 of the antidepressant prestiq and I am still unsure of the long term effect it will have on me. The first few days I seemed to notice quite a difference. Not so much now, and I thought it was supposed to work the other way around. only time will tell i guess.

It feels like an old friend

I have been having some trouble with my emotions lately. If you don't believe me read my last few posts here. Depressing. So finally I went in to the doctor and requested to be put back on antidepressants. I can't begin to know the effects yet as I am on day 4 of taking them but if the last couple of days have been any kind of representation of what I'm in for I'm gonna do just fine.

I want to add real quick that I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for a few specific people in my life. First my children have done so much to help me. Second my cousin perry who introduced me to a whole new life, I will be forever greatful for that. Third I have 3 friends who have done so much to change the way I see my life and myself. John, Tony, and Gina I see more changes in myself everyday because of the courage your friendship has brought into my life. And last but not least my sister hilary who is always there to listen, even when she really doesn't want to. Thank you all, I love you with all my heart.

Nobodys child

So in 1986 there was this movie with Marlo Thomas that I absolutely fell in love with. It was called nobody's child, and a book title I wanted so terribly to use for my own life story. I have been through hell and back several times and watching this movie helped me to understand that you can go through things, horrible things and still live on.

This movie is about a woman that is traumatized as a child. Her natural mother was mentally ill, her adoptive mother cruel and the combination of these two things created an anxiety disorder and a deep depression in this woman's life. Fortunately for her there were a few people in her life that believed in her and believed that there was help for her. They helped her get stabilized on medication, then found a family for her to live with that could show her how a family responds to each other and how they function day to day.

It might sound silly but these are things that a lot of people never get to see or understand. I never got to see and understand these things. My childhood was very misunderstood by everyone. My mother was mentally ill and my father was absent most of the time. My grandparents, while willing to raise my younger sister, were unwilling to raise me. I lived with several family members, I was in several foster homes, attempted living with my parents occasionally, and was institutionalized a number of times. I was physically and sexually abused, mentally and emotionally battered, and repetitively neglected and rejected by the people who were supposed to love me most in the world. By the time I was 16 years old I was ready to be out on my own and I was emancipated by the state so I could do just that. Shortly after I found and clung to a relationship that was just as painful and unhealthy as my childhood had been. I stayed in that relationship for nearly 14 years.

I have been out and on my own for 4 years as of the 19th of this month. There is no one hitting me anymore, or putting me down. No one forces me to do disgusting sexual things that make my skin crawl anymore. It's just me and my kids and the few people I have chosen to let get close to me. I try to live my life as any other person might. I go to work, come home, and do my best to raise my children right. But as much as I try to live my life normally I have a constant and looming fear that people will discover who I really am and they will turn on me too. I feel that way about every single person I meet. I am constantly paranoid that I will be found out and abandoned. The only people that I don't naturally have that fear with are my children and my sister, and probably the reason that I cling to them so. Odd that the only other people I didn't feel that way about were the very people that made me feel that way to begin with.

I am learning to overcome this but it is so hard for me to trust people. I can honestly say that relationships don't stand a chance with me right now. I still crave relationships that are unbalanced and unhealthy. I make connections with people that are lacking the same things inside themselves that I am, and while I've made attempts at these relationships when I finally see the truth in the relationship I am disgusted by it and turn on it. Then I turn on myself.

I have come very far in the last 4 years, farther than I ever thought possible. But I can't pretend that I am different just because my circumstances are. I still have a lot of issues to work through before I can really feel like a whole person. The only people that ever really get to know me are people that prove to me they view that as a unique part of who I am and not a flaw.

Just as much as I know that there is something wrong with me, I know that there is something very right also. I feel like I understand things in a way a lot of people don't. That I have an appreciation for other people that most don't. And I know that someday someone will be very lucky to know that side of me in a romantic way. But I have to feel ready for it first, and apparently I still don't.

and the sunshine brings it

It is Spring!!!! and I love it. I have so many plans and ideas for the year now that the snow is melting and the warm weathering is rolling in. I know we always have a nice big winter storm after Easter but for today, just for today, I'm not thinking about that. In fact, I'm not really gonna think about any of the things that have been bringing me down lately.

Boys??? They can kiss my ass. You heard me boys. Fuck off, get fucked and go fuck yourselves. I have this great life, great friends and great kids. I do so many fun things and have this funny ass job (most of the time). I work with some pretty awesome people and really I can't complain to much. The last thing I need is some stupid boy screwing any of that up for me. Seriously.

I don't know what my current goals are exactly, I just know that they are about me and doing fun things and making my life easier. This was a fun and uplifting day, one that I needed and I hope it lingers to the next.

I feel an awakening

I don't know if it's because spring is here or if it's just something that is happening inside of me but I've had this hopeful feeling lately and I'm getting excited about it. I think I could swear I feel my metabolism speeding up, if that doesn't sound crazy I don't know what does. But I like the feeling or the idea of the feeling so I'm going with it.

I took my kids to see legally blond the musical on Saturday and it was a blast and so freakin cute. The opening song was the one we remembered best from seeing the show on MTV. The girls had been singing it nonstop for days before we went. But since we've been home there is only one song that has been stuck in my mind. "There's a chip on my shoulder And it's big as a boulder With the chance I've been given I'm gonna be driven as hell" yes just my style, seriously.

So then we went with a good friend for dinner at spaghetti works and a walking tour of downtown des moines via the skywalk. The kids got tired and their feet started to hurt but with all there was to see I think they will remember that for years to come. Then we went for a little angel pussy at cosi caccina's in which I was reminded that you really need to split this between two people. Not one of the four of us could consume the entire thing alone.

Day two we went for brunch at the waveland cafe and then split from good des moines buddy so we could go to the art center. I wanted the kids to see grant wood's painting "the american gothic" but we got a little side tracked there and wound up watching the grapes of wrath. While this bored my children completely I found there couldn't have been better timing for this film and if you haven't seen it in awhile, or ever for that matter now is the time. Then they got to see the painting and it was really wonderful that we saw the movie first because it made all the art work we saw afterward mean so much more to them. It was really a unique experience.

We drove by the capitol but as predicted it was closed. Then stopped by my cousins who lives just near there. We spent a good 4 hours there chatting and dealing with the animals. 5 cats, 4 dogs, 4 chickens and a rabbit. sheesh. then we were home. It was an awesome weekend, as they always end up being anymore. Expensive but well worth it.

And now that I'm home I'm hopeful. I want things to change and I'm actually taking the steps needed to make that happen. That makes me feel good too. All this AND a time change this weekend. Life is fucking sweet, don'tcha think???

Sometimes it is written

Movies. These things are huge in my life. I don't know how much other people invest in the couple of hours that a film takes them away but to me they mean so much. Movies are an escape, a way to deal with my problems, a way to bond with other people, and a way to define myself.

I am also very picky about the type of movies I see. In fact, if I were to be honest about things I would have to say that I am a movie snob. I love independent films. IFC is my favorite channel on television. I also love watching certain actors and actresses. I don't think I've ever seen a role that Parker Posey didn't pull off well, even if the movie was horrible. Same with Gary Oldman or a handful of other actors or actresses.

But occasionally I come across a movie with unknown actors. That movie has a story different than any other I've come across. It is not predictable, as I find most movies to be. The music is wonderful and the cinematography is unique. Yes, I pay attention to that kind of shit. It's the little things that make movies what they are. And I found a movie just like that tonight. We went to see slumdog millionaire and I was so blown away. The emotion that movie evoked in me is possibly unparalleled. The other thing I loved about this movie is that they have a message to convey and they aren't afraid to spell it out. Sometimes it is written.

I think the main reason I feel so connected to this movie is that this is the thing I have strived for in my whole life. I want to and attempt to live my life by this. If it is meant to be it will happen, if not it won't. I will have the job I am meant to, the friends I am meant to, the opportunities to do the things I am meant to do when I am meant to do them. And god willing the life partner I am meant to have when I am meant to have them.

I use the term life partner not because I am gay (not that there is anything wrong with that at all) but because this is what a husband would feel like to me. God has already chosen my path for me, when I find the right person to be with I will know that it will be someone that god sees fit for me to share my whole life with. Maybe not the length of it but certainly the depth of it. It will be someone that can truly appreciate everything about me. It is not something I am going to worry about anymore.

On another note, my thoughts this weekend are with a little boy I know. He was removed from his family today and I'm sure this weekend is going to be very hard for him. I will be praying for you little guy.

And finally, I am taking my girls to see legally blond the musical tomorrow. This is something we have been excited about and waiting for. I don't remember the last time my kids were this jazzed about anything. That's good for all of us. And it makes me feel like every once in awhile I do something right. I will add more on that later this weekend.

so I have a lot to say

The lord is alive in my life. This is something I've been aware of for many years now. I hear people doubt or question him and it leaves me baffled because to me he is as tangible as my big beautiful breasteses. He has given me so much in my life time. Put wonderful people into my life, and the courage to stay strong in moments where weakness seemed like the only option.

I've been feeling terribly weak lately. I think I had forgotten where my power really comes from. So I turn to him now and say. "lord, you are my light and my salvation show me my path. I am but a tool for your bidding, use me the way you see fit lord. I know I am here to do your will and not here on this earth for my own gains. I will accept the things you give me lord as if each and every one of them were the gift of gold knowing that each challenge you give me is leading me home."

With just those few words I am comforted. I am reminded that I am not here to get anything or anyone, I am not in this world to reach some goal of my own. I am here to serve the lords purpose for me, and it is through doing that I will find my final and glorious salvation.

I'm sure that sounds like a bunch of religious jargon, and maybe that's exactly what it is and all it is. But to me it means so much more than that. and it gives me a purpose, and makes my pain bearable and understandable. And if that's all it is well that's more than enough right now.

perspective

My children faced the fact that they weren't getting cell phones a long time ago. They asked for them, begged for them and both their father and I said no. They begged that their friends had them, I said oh well. They pleaded with me that it would make them cool, still I said oh well. Their aunty bought them track phones and they used up their minutes, I said they'd have to save up. I lived 27 years without a cell phone there wasn't a single reason they needed one at 10 or at 12.

Then last week I get home late from work and the little one (kid, who is 10 btw) isn't there yet. I didn't even realize this I guess for I sat checking my mail and whatnot for nearly 45 min. before I said to the sister "where is the little one?". Quickly, quietly, and concisely she replies to me "not home". I glance at the clock. 4:45.

To some this may be no big thing, it might even be expected. But in this house this is unheard of. These children are always home by 3:30 unless I have received a phone call. So immediately I break into a sweat. I glance at the clock, then the phone, then the sister. What to do????

I go for a drive to have a little look see. Up and down, back and forth, through parking lots, alley ways, abandoned business locales. I return home at 5:30 and snag the big one for a ride along. Where would she be. We go to the first friends house....she says the little one rode the bus. Now I really freak out. If she rode the bus she would be home immediately. That is now 2 hours and 15 minutes of unaccounted for time. Do you know what a pervert can do to a child in 2 and a quarter hours???? Unfortunately I do. This thought pushes me over the edge.

I am now forced to do the absolute unthinkable thing and call the ex. I would rather chew the sole of my foot off than go to this guy for help but he is automatically in full on panic mode and orders me to contact the police, and tells me he's on his way. The first time in 4 years I see this as a positive thing. I contact the police, they are now looking as well.

Near tears I am driving in the direction of my home. It is dark now and I am but a few blocks away. I am looking at the houses we drive past knowing that she would have walked this route home from the bus, wondering which one of these houses she is in and how I will find her.

Then I glance to the left and see the shadow image of a short slender figure dragging something behind it coming down the sidewalk. The tears well in my eyes and I pull up next to her. She climbs in and says "hi mom" with a big smile on her face.

I went right out and got both those girls cell phones.

4 AM and all is well

This is my 4 a.m. self, and I love her just as much as my 4 p.m. self. scary.

I went to des moines this weekend and finally got to meet the famous jules joyce. She is probably the only person or one of 3 people that read this blog so I will say this....Meeting you was great, I wish we lived in the same town. and i'm not saying that lightly. Your the kinda chick i could hang with on the reg.

We went to Azalea's downtown. Not impressed. YES the food was yummy, but not that yummy. And the menu was boring. And it was EXPENSIVE. FUCK THAT. We also went to the waveland cafe and that was better.

I did gather a funny story from Azalea's though. So we are sitting there very aware that we are munching the 11 dollar hamburger because we didn't want to spend 32 dollars on a plain old steak (I wanted the duck that the displayed menu bragged about but the inny menu had been stripped of) but then I look up and see that there is a couple there in the restaurant having a quiet and romantic dinner for two. The woman is having the 32 dollar steak dinner, and the man is eating the same fucking 11 dollar hamburger that we are. You know that motherfucker was pissed off. I just hope he got some pussy after all that.

We did more than that. I got to see American Gothic, I've always loved grant wood. and we went to the botanical center and listened to this Haas woman sing the blues. I wanted to put her in my pocket and take her home with me. Somehow she knew exactly what i was feeling. We walked a lot, spent a fair amount of time trying to get tickets to legally blond, did some shopping. Spent a fuck load of money. But funnest of all was the foulness, the filth that we enjoy wallowing in. That is what the trip was really about anyway.

It seems as though I am about to become my 5 a.m. self. And my 5 a.m. self likes to hang out in the bathtub and use smelly things like soaps and lotions. Somehow that and this come from the same person. weird.

I wish I could say I feel refreshed and anew but I don't. I feel lagging like I don't want to let go of the weekend. I feel sad and lonely because I still haven't found someone to love that will love me back the same. I feel sore and worried about my health because I haven't done the things I have needed to do to ensure that. and I feel afraid that I will not be able to bear the financial burden of being me. But these things are nothing new, in fact it is these things that make up a huge part of who I am and why I do the kind of things that I do. They are what motivate me to get up in the morning and keep going long after I have used the last of my energy. and weird or not I know it's okay.

My Valentines Day

I bring it all on myself and I don't give a shit. I don't need to be anything to anyone other than what I am to me and my girls. Good friends will quickly become other things in the moments where they disagree with the way you choose to live your life. I've known this for years.

This V day there was something nearly magic that happened to my life. 7 years ago I started working for a very small medical supply store. Boring job. There were 3 girls upfront and 2 delivery men out back. Upfront it was me in my late 20's and two older women. In the back was a middle aged married man and some young kid. That's the way I felt about things for awhile.

Then one day I was passing out some candy I had and as I dropped the candy in the kids hand I happened to look up into his eyes and wow. That's all I can say. From that day on we had lunch together, hung out together out back. I was married then and having a lot of problems at home. I wanted to cheat but couldn't bring myself to cross that line. We talked about it and I said I couldn't, later when the subject came up again he refused. One night he asked me to come over and I didn't show up and then there were countless times when I wanted him to be there and he wasn't.

The problems at home got worse and worse. The worse they got the more I clung to the idea of kyle. The more I started to see him as a solution. I objectified him, freaked him out, and ultimately destroyed any chance of him wanting to make things with me work. I quit my job and that was the end of our daily interactions with each other.

I called his cell once about 6 months after I quit working there and he called me back. It was so good to hear his voice but nothing between us had changed at that point. The one thing he said during that conversation was that we did have fun together, didn't we. That was important for me to hear because I had started to feel that the things that happened between us really didn't mean anything to him.

Then it was nearly two years before I saw him again. I had heard rumors that he had moved to Webster City, I really didn't think I'd come across him in fort dodge after that. One day I pulled into a drive thru convenience store just a couple of blocks from my house and was awe struck to see this man smiling down at me, his face lit up like someone plugged him into something. It was something that I had longed to see everyday since the last day I saw it. I missed him so much but hadn't even realized it.

I started making regular stops through and we did a lot of lite chit chatting. He eventually told me that he was in a serious relationship and had a child with the woman. I was really devastated by this news. I thought that we might have a chance now and I'm ashamed to admit that I even tried to tempt him into an affair but he declined. I wasn't surprised nor did I take it personally.

Still to this day I am unsure of what his feelings are or ever were for me. He hurt my heart more than any man ever hurt my heart in my life. My ex husband was a monster and cheated on me but it never felt the way it felt to hear kyle tell me that everything between us had been in my head. When I heard those words I thought I would die where I was standing.

I don't know if he meant it, I think he probably just wanted to get rid of me by that time. I guess I deserved it too. He tried to tell me no nicely but I just wasn't listening, I couldn't hear it. He was my escape from reality and I really fucked the whole thing up. I've regretted those mistakes more than nearly any others of my life.

I have come to terms with the fact that it is over. We are never going to be anything, never going to have anything between us. He just isn't into me or whatever. I decided to believe what he said about this thing being in my head. And in June I stopped going to see him. I let him go.

Friday was the day before valentines day. I had a car full of valentine cupcakes from school and I was desperate for a soda. I decided to swing through the convenience store where he works and grab one. I saw his car there and on a whim stopped to drop off a cupcake, thinking of 4 years ago when he asked me to be his valentine. He looked great, seemed happy, and then asked me if I was still with the boyfriend I had the last time we talked. I told him no that we broke up in November and then he looked at me smiled and told me he was single now too. And then asked me to stop by again sometime. I wanted to run to him, to cry out, to do some sort of dance. But I didn't do any of those things. I was cool and said goodbye and went home and cried out and did happy dances. And I haven't been able to shut off this light inside me ever since.

I don't know what will come of this. It could be just another 2 years of the same 6 years I've done already. This love sentence that doesn't allow me to really get close to anyone else because of the hope that this will finally be what it has the opportunity to be. I don't know if he really feels anything for me other than wanting to have sex. I just don't know and I have decided to not worry about that. I am just going to accept this for what it is because we are not done. I am going to be loyal to that thought this time.

I'm okay. I'm great. and I just might get an opportunity to taste the joy that I've always dreamt of with this man.

ewwww, don't let the poor get on me

I am so scared of being poor. Not that I'm not poor right now. I qualify for food stamps and technically that makes me poor. I'm talking about the kind of poor where I can't pay my bills and I can't do anything when I get a disconnect notice but wait. That sends me into a panic that is followed by fits of hysterical crying seated in a friends kitchen. been there, not fun.

But it's hard to not think about it when so many people you know are getting laid off or are having to do the laying off. It's hard to keep those images out of your head when your paying 7 dollars for only ehhh cat food. What is happening to our world?

I want to get a job for extra money to build a cushion to help me out if things were to go awry but even jobs at mcdonalds are hard to come by these days. The world is becoming the scary 80's way, and all we can do is sit on our hands and wait for it to get worse. Thank you george bush for being a fucking prick and getting our asses in this sling just so you can say you got Hussein. You fucking idiot.

I'm hoping to get through these next two years without to much financial chaos. I hope the child support isn't affected and my job is still here next year. But with a hundred thousand dollars worth of cuts to the schools budget that might be a bit difficult. I am heading back to school in the summer come what may. I just can't stay vulnerable like this any longer, it's more worry than carrying 2 jobs and school full time.

And we welcomed the passing

Sometimes I catch myself referring to myself as we. Maybe this is because I have kids and use the word we so regularly, or maybe I am like sybil and just don't yet understand that I have multiple personalities. It would be a little bit interesting to have mulitiple personalities, I just don't feel this is the case with me, at least not at this point in my life.


Feelings for me change like a tide coming in. They swoosh, swoosh, swoosh getting closer and and further from me in rythmic motions until they are fully in or out. Then I sit back and soak up the change so I can fully appreciatte the situation. I feel these changes happening but I'm not quite sure where they are going to end up so I wait for it, wait for it. I'm almost a little scared of where this whole "transform" might take me.

I set out at the beginning of this year to work on forgiving someone from my past that hurt me terribly. I've been doing a lot of work on that too and I do find that my feelings have been changing but for me that seems to be a double edged sword. I am afraid of where I am going to be emotionally when I really have forgiven this person. I am afraid that if I forgive him I am going to be weak. That is probably what I am most scared of.

So why am I doing it at all then, that's a question I have asked myself a few times. The answer is this: I punish anyone who tries to get close to me for the things that this man did to me. I shut feelings off and people out because I am afraid of getting hurt again. I wear his pain all over me still to let everyone know how badly he hurt me, so he isn't let off the hook. He was never punished in my opinion, his life has gone on unscathed. But as long as I remain damaged and angry something is happening to him. But it's not. His life goes on whether I am angry or damaged or perfectly fine and well.

Here I am still working on this. I have so much left to work through, there is a lot of anger here. But I know that I have begun the process because I do feel things inside me changing. I'm not saying I've pulled or will pull any kind of emotional jeckyl and hyde but I do hope to grow considerably from this. And maybe finally be able to have a successful and healthy relationship. That is my real goal anyway.

sitting in the princess section

I am not doing so well on my daily posting goal here. I mean to do better, I come here and write and then realize that what I've written is much to personal to share. Yes, it gets more personal than the things you've read already. I keep writing like there are people reading this. It's okay, I remind myself that I do this for myself and am embarrassed to find that in truth I am doing this in hopes that someone else is reading it. It makes me feel lost in this big world I guess. Lost or invisible.

I just want to connect to someone else in this certain perfect way. I've felt this thing, being so in sync with someone else. I married someone like that, even though he was mean. I have met a few of these people but for one reason or other it just doesn't work out. So I keep looking, and waiting, and hoping that sooner or later my prince will come around. I can die happy if I know that just one of them got to see me.

why do i feel embarrassed?

My ex beat me for 14 years. The first time he hit me we had only been together for a month. He punched me in the center of my back and he knocked the wind out of me. I was scared because I couldn't catch my breath, I was hurting, and I felt so sorry for him because he didn't mean to hurt me.

Everytime we fought I would cross this line that he drew in his mind and then he would have to hit me for it. And everytime I would cry and beg him to forgive me for crossing that line. Sometimes the line was screaming in his face, other times it was not getting out of a chair when he told me to. The woman I am now doesn't understand this, but then it made perfect sense to me.

We knew a lot of people over the years, had a lot of friends and neighbors over time. His friends were always right and more important than me, he would tell me how much better they were than me. I would make a friend and he would tell me how bad they were for me. According to him they were obsessively jealous of me, or wanted to use me, or talked about me behind my back. He told me that people laughed at me when I wasn't around because of things he would tell them about me. I felt like the whole world was against me, that I should be embarrassed for being alive.

I still see these people sometimes. Yesterday at the grocery store I saw 2 shadows from my past. One was the brother of one of the women my ex cheated on me with, another was a man that lived down the street from us whose wife told everyone in town that I was an emotional wreck after I tried talking to her about some of the problems I was having at home.

I tried over and over to reach out to people around me but I was caught in his manipulative trap. There were a couple of people that really did try to help me but he had my head so screwed up I just couldn't break free. Looking back at certain situations I sometimes wonder if even what I believe today is true. Or maybe I was just the pathetic joke he told me I was. I know I didn't have a backbone of my own. The one person that I relied on to lead me through my life was using me as a whipping post in every definition of the term.

I have started a new life with my children. I have new friends, a great new job, and I believe in myself now. I am done looking for someone else to let me know that I am okay. If you don't like me, get the fuck on. If you think your going to mistreat me in anyway, get the fuck on. I just don't put up with that shit anymore. But I decide for myself who is positive and who isn't. I don't take anyone elses word for it anymore.

Even through all of this though I still feel embarrassed when I see people from my past. Embarrassed and angry, abandoned and misunderstood. I don't know how to get passed that other than to pretend like I don't know these people when I see them. I have been forced to speak with a couple of them on a couple of occassions and it usually pushes me into a panic attack (from the post traumatic stress syndrome I acquired from the abuse). This is just another aspect of my life affected by the abuse and another thing to add to my list of things that I need to take up with a therapist. (or blog about untill it doesn't bother me anymore)

The Creeping Death: an introduction

Hello. My name is heather and I have something following me. I call it the creeping death. It is a darkness that befalls me usually on sunday nights, or after I've spent money I shouldn't have, or when I don't get my child support when I am supposed to. It is an entity all of it's own, and I do my best to avoid dealing with it at all. It is the reason I don't mess with any type of substance that raises my spirit to high, I always get dropped into the abyss of the creeping death. There I will surely parish.

But I won't spend much time on that subject tonight for it is aches and pains that truly have captured my attention on this sunday evening. I went to a strength ballet training thing yesterday and a spin thing today and I am hurting. My legs, my ass cheeks, my arms and jaws and the little bit of fat next to your ankle on your foot. Oh it all kills me.

I don't know if that brought me to where I am right now or if it is the creeping death sneaking up on me but I am on the verge of having a panic attack, or a full on freak out as my kids would say. I keep having this feeling that if there is anymore noise, yelling or loud music I'm going to completely lose my cool. And it will all be my kids fault. I will go into their rooms and scream at them and slam doors and unplug things and make them feel guilty. Oiy, glad I'm catching this one mid-sentence.

Instead of freaking out, or reaching for a pill bottle I am going to get myself through this manually. I am writing first, to help put things into perspective. It's helping. Next I have already started focusing on my breathing, the rise and fall of my chest. That overwhelming feeling of the loss of control is subsiding. **I just went in and had my kids turn down their music and televisions. No screaming or blaming. I took responsibility for what I was asking of them and they were very responsive. Yay!! I feel myself becoming more and more tired each minute here.

Sometimes every day is a struggle. I look forward to going back to work this week. We are losing 2 or 3 children that have caused a lot of upset in our classroom. What will we do without the chaos? We might actually get some work accomplished.

Have a good week everyone. I think I have like 1 or maybe 2 people reading this blog. It sure is fun to play pretend though.

met ze monsta, tweren't that great

Roughly a year ago I got involved with the first black man I ever "dated". I don't know if you can call what we did "dating" exactly. He did take me out for dinner once, and I met his family once just as he met my children once as well. But this was over the course of a six month period of time. The one thing we did religiously was fuck. Can I say that here?

Nearly every sunday night for 6 months he would show up with that great big black dick in hand, ready to give me a long strong 3 or 4 hour work out. It was such an exhilirating time for me. Here was this beautiful man, looked like he'd been chisled by the hand of god himself. His skin like butter so creamy and smooth. His muscles like rocks. And he wanted me more than any other man had ever wanted me before. He couldn't get it in me fast enough, or deep enough, or for long enough. His appetite was insatiable and I loved it.

But then I met someone that seemed to care about more than getting me in bed one night a week and I lost interest completely. I took such delight in the fact that he continued to call me nearly two weeks after I had broken it off with him. I just couldn't believe the lengths this man would go to to secure himself a piece of ass once a week. But by this time it was quite obvious to me he had some sort of sexual addiction to the likes of which I was just one fix. This saddened me greatly but I reaped the benefits of it for quite awhile anyway.

I haven't seen him since june but he still calls. I just got off the phone with him in fact and wasn't at all surprised that he asked me to come and get him. When I said no he offered to let me spend the night there at his parents house. When I said no to that he said we could just do it in the car. It's not flattering anymore. It's not exciting or hot or special. It's like the finding out of santa and how things are just different after that. That is exactly what it is like, there is just no going back. It makes me sad for him, and for me.

See I fell in love with the person that he wanted me to think he was. I really believe that on some level he wanted to be that person more than he wanted me to think he was that person. Even tonight on the phone he was putting on airs that didn't belong to him. But I could tell he wanted the stories of big careers in big cities to be real. And honestly there is love here for him to achieve all his hopes and dreams.

I certainly don't hold anything against him, I just know that I deserve better than all that. I know there is a lot I have to learn. I still hate myself an awful lot and really don't know how to let myself feel like I deserve something better, I just know it in my head. This is something I haven't been able to "fake it till you make it" on. I obsess over unhealthy things as a way to divert my attention from any chance of pursuing real relationships. I'm sure the people close to me know this already.

In short? I fucked king kong and found out that there is more to life than great sex.

My life in phases

Looking back over my life I seem to see it in chunks. My childhood all lumped together right up till I turned 16 and moved out on my own. Different homes, different people, different placements and foster homes and shelters and aunts. Different abuses and neglects and exploitations along the way. It seems as a child and young adult I meant something important to everyone that had me, they all needed me for something but they all just wanted the something and never me.

The next chunk spent with someone that did need me and love me and want me but in such an ignorant way. I needed him and loved him and wanted him more than I thought it was possible to need and want and love another person. He became my lover and my parent and very abusive. I worked so hard to hate him as much as I do, for years I couldn't see one bit of wrong in him. But now I can't see any right at all. I know that somewhere inside all of that there was love but to see that I have to let that protective wall I've put up come down and that is much to dangerous a thing for me to do.

I am in the third phase of my life now. In this one I am learning to be free and take care of myself and my children. I am figuring out where I want my life to be, and what I want it to be. I am discovering my inner strength and building a future for myself here in this house, in this town. Making the friends I want to keep the rest of my life. Deciding the woman that I am going to be for the rest of my life. And most importantly I am learning to love and take pride in myself. I had no idea this part of me existed.

I look to my future and wonder how much of it is left. I wonder what I will accomplish between here and there and if I will leave a mark that will be noticed by anyone. Funny that the idea of fame is nearly repulsive to me however the thought of leaving nothing behind is deafeningly saddening. There are so many possibilities for my future. I'm just not ready to stake a claim to any one of them. That must be the changing of the next guard.

Inconsistency is a bitch, or am I???

I am a lover of routines and schedules. If you can get me into the habit of something well I'm hooked. I love ritual type things that are methodical.

What did I like about meth? in truth I believe it was the ritual more than anything. The laying it on the table, chopping it up, lining it out, separating it for everyone. It was that ritual that I so enjoyed.

I eat grapefruit with salt for breakfast everyday. If I don't have the grapefruit I eat nothing. Why??? I take it out, slice it in half, salt both sides, get my spoon out and carry it to the living room. Again, everyday the same. It makes me feel secure in some weird way. But like I said, without the grapefruit there is nothing.

The shiesty thing about being a slave to the routine is that if IT gets f*ed up YOU get f*ed up. When I get used to something like grapefruit for breakfast I am unprepared to go without it. I begin to depend on that grapefruit as a daily marker or reminder that I am grounded and in control. Without it I feel lost and confused. Of course I am being over dramatic. The loss of a grapefruit doesn't ruin my day, but it does have an underlying impact on the way I feel in general. Something will feel off to me, I will start my day mismatched and it will be harder for me to "get it together" when other things come up.

What do I do to combat these problems? I make motherfucking sure I got my grapefruit in the fridge at night before I go to bed. I have gone to walmart at 11 pm to ensure just that as well. Why do I go to such lengths? Because I've gone without my grapefruit before and I don't like it. I've learned and accepted the fact that there is something about me that needs it, so I just make sure I have it. I was much much worse with cigarettes before I quit smoking.

So what about the rest of my life? What about work? How can I deal with it? Well let me just say I barely do. When things are left up to me they seem to run quite smoothly. There are no huge blow ups, people work and get it done. The kids feel like they have something to be proud of at the end of the day which perpetuates the positive feelings into the next day. Unfortunately for me, things are rarely left up to me. Things are often up in the air and all over the place.

I am not the only one that feels comfortable settling into a routine. The kids love it too. They are not so agitated and irritable when they are in their seats and focused on their schoolwork. It is when they are encouraged to get up and walk around the classroom, when they are left to their own devices that the problems arise. You would think that this would be visible by everyone involved.

The only person in the classroom that doesn't seem to understand this is the teacher herself. She discusses personal issues in front of the kids, she is indecisive with them and tells them not to listen to other staff members. She asks them to get up and dance or call their parents and when fights break out she cries victim, and claims they are just terrible kids. She blames the kids, and even me for the problems that go on in the room. Sometimes I just want to quit.

But then I look at a 5 year old who is afraid he's going to be living in his car if his grandparents kick his mom out of the house, or the 13 year old who has been brainwashed into hating his mom whom is probably the most stable adult in his life, or the 11 year old who's mother was murdered and probably only gets hugs here at school. There is just no way I could abandon these children.

So I go into work again this morning with hopes of maintaining some type of balance and control in our classroom. Wanting to tell this woman to just shut up and let the kids learn something. But instead just sitting at my desk waiting to dealing with the fallout of her inconsistency. Because I am the one that has to sit on these kids when they blow up.

Every once in awhile I get a sneaking suspicion I'm doing this shit right

Sometimes I want to second guess myself. Hell, I do second guess myself. The whole time I'm doing this I have a terrible nagging feeling, but when I follow my impulses I get much further much faster.

Suze was just being so nasty during chore time tonight. She said to me "well I don't see you doing anything" and then I caught her sitting on the couch watching tv. These are things that we just don't do. I thought it over for awhile. Part of me just wanted to let it go, it really wasn't that big of a deal. But that nagging feeling kept telling me that it starts in the little things, and that cool and calm consistency is the best way to teach. When she had finished her chores and came in to sit down I told her the news: she was going to her room for the night. Earlier tonight she asked if she could have a friend stay the night tomorrow because there isn't school the following day, I said no problem. So I warned her that if she argued or made a fuss about going to bed early she would lose her sleep over. She went quietly to her room without a word in opposition. She came out a little later and apologized for being rude to me and then went back to her room. Hence today's title.

I think it's important for me to follow that pulse inside me regardless of what anyone else has to say or think about it. About 3 months ago I was in a relationship with someone I cared about. We went out for dinner one evening and I bumped into another guy that I knew from work. I had always had a good repertoire with this guy but on this particular day something was different between us and I just felt like we were pulled together in just a couple of minutes, right in front of my boyfriend. It was such a natural and instinctual thing and I haven't felt so sure of anything in a very long time.

There are circumstances surrounding that situation that have made it impossible for us to be together at this time. Morally I feel that it would be wrong and it could cause me a lot of problems period. At the same time though my feelings for this person are very strong and I had no choice but to break up with my boyfriend. I couldn't stand to be with him while I was wanting someone else, it just felt so wrong to me.

So I see this guy everyday at work and it's really hard. He says things to me, I want to say things back but I can't. It's so hard. The intensity of the feelings are likes waves, they ebb and flow but they never leave and he is rarely far from my mind. It kills me to not be able to share my feelings with him but I will maintain my class and dignity in this situation by being patient and cool about all of it. But I refuse to let it go.

My friends that I love and trust more than anyone else in the world tell me to leave this be. They tell me it's a bad situation for me and that I can't pursue it. They tell me I need to just let it go. And then they dismiss me. It is infuriating. I love them and know they want what's best for me, I understand that this situation from the outside looks really really bad. But I feel like they should know me well enough to know that I already know what is at stake in this situation. I feel like they should know me well enough to know I would never do anything to jeopardize the life I fought so hard to create for my daughters and I. I feel like they should be supportive even if they don't agree because they have faith in me and it hurts that they don't.

This situation I'm in is hard enough just being what it is, the fact that now I have no one to express those feelings to makes it seem even harder. I tried to make these feelings go away, but they won't. and why should I have to make them go away? I deserve the happiness I think could come from this situation. I have sacrificed so much and suffered so much, I feel like this could be a gift from god. or not, but I'd like the chance to find out. I owe it to myself to find out.

and in the end I go back to where I started because I'll be damned if every fiber in my body screams at me to stop and wait for this one. STOP AND WAIT FOR THIS ONE. So in the end I will do what I feel in my bones is the right thing to do. Maybe this will destroy my life as I know it, maybe it will break my heart but I will know that I was true to myself and honestly that is what is most important to me at this point in my life.

Wow, and that was just one day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

My First Day Here

I am going to attempt to write once a day although I know myself well enough to know it probably won't happen but that will be my goal.

But I guess this is an introduction to me. I am 34 years old, divorced with kids, work full time, take care of a house, have friends, enjoy lots of stuff, and am constantly trying to figure out how to be a better person.

I have been divorced for 3 years. My ex husband and I started living together when I was just 16 years old. We both came from broken and screwed up home lives and it wasn't a good situation for either one of us. He abused me physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. But I still loved him. After 14 years of struggling I took the children and left and started a new life on my own. That has been a very defining thing in my life and the choices I make everyday.

My girls are 10 and 12. Both of them are very smart and outgoing and prove to me everyday that I have made the right decisions for our family. They still see their father on a regular basis but they understand the upset between us because they were there. I hope that someday he will explain some kind of regret to them, but hasn't made that decision as of yet.

Now I work in a classroom setting with boys that have behavior problems. I enjoy my job tremendously. There is so much more that I want to do for my community but for now this makes me feel like I am contributing in some way.

I am here however to write. I use writing as a way to get my feelings out, figure out my future, work out my troubles past and present, and also a way to entertain myself in my down time. I suppose you'll see a little of all those things here. I am writing for myself not for you. Don't expect to see anything here that will be profound. It's just me doing my thing. I'm just glad I finally found a place where I can blog everyday.