My Valentines Day

I bring it all on myself and I don't give a shit. I don't need to be anything to anyone other than what I am to me and my girls. Good friends will quickly become other things in the moments where they disagree with the way you choose to live your life. I've known this for years.

This V day there was something nearly magic that happened to my life. 7 years ago I started working for a very small medical supply store. Boring job. There were 3 girls upfront and 2 delivery men out back. Upfront it was me in my late 20's and two older women. In the back was a middle aged married man and some young kid. That's the way I felt about things for awhile.

Then one day I was passing out some candy I had and as I dropped the candy in the kids hand I happened to look up into his eyes and wow. That's all I can say. From that day on we had lunch together, hung out together out back. I was married then and having a lot of problems at home. I wanted to cheat but couldn't bring myself to cross that line. We talked about it and I said I couldn't, later when the subject came up again he refused. One night he asked me to come over and I didn't show up and then there were countless times when I wanted him to be there and he wasn't.

The problems at home got worse and worse. The worse they got the more I clung to the idea of kyle. The more I started to see him as a solution. I objectified him, freaked him out, and ultimately destroyed any chance of him wanting to make things with me work. I quit my job and that was the end of our daily interactions with each other.

I called his cell once about 6 months after I quit working there and he called me back. It was so good to hear his voice but nothing between us had changed at that point. The one thing he said during that conversation was that we did have fun together, didn't we. That was important for me to hear because I had started to feel that the things that happened between us really didn't mean anything to him.

Then it was nearly two years before I saw him again. I had heard rumors that he had moved to Webster City, I really didn't think I'd come across him in fort dodge after that. One day I pulled into a drive thru convenience store just a couple of blocks from my house and was awe struck to see this man smiling down at me, his face lit up like someone plugged him into something. It was something that I had longed to see everyday since the last day I saw it. I missed him so much but hadn't even realized it.

I started making regular stops through and we did a lot of lite chit chatting. He eventually told me that he was in a serious relationship and had a child with the woman. I was really devastated by this news. I thought that we might have a chance now and I'm ashamed to admit that I even tried to tempt him into an affair but he declined. I wasn't surprised nor did I take it personally.

Still to this day I am unsure of what his feelings are or ever were for me. He hurt my heart more than any man ever hurt my heart in my life. My ex husband was a monster and cheated on me but it never felt the way it felt to hear kyle tell me that everything between us had been in my head. When I heard those words I thought I would die where I was standing.

I don't know if he meant it, I think he probably just wanted to get rid of me by that time. I guess I deserved it too. He tried to tell me no nicely but I just wasn't listening, I couldn't hear it. He was my escape from reality and I really fucked the whole thing up. I've regretted those mistakes more than nearly any others of my life.

I have come to terms with the fact that it is over. We are never going to be anything, never going to have anything between us. He just isn't into me or whatever. I decided to believe what he said about this thing being in my head. And in June I stopped going to see him. I let him go.

Friday was the day before valentines day. I had a car full of valentine cupcakes from school and I was desperate for a soda. I decided to swing through the convenience store where he works and grab one. I saw his car there and on a whim stopped to drop off a cupcake, thinking of 4 years ago when he asked me to be his valentine. He looked great, seemed happy, and then asked me if I was still with the boyfriend I had the last time we talked. I told him no that we broke up in November and then he looked at me smiled and told me he was single now too. And then asked me to stop by again sometime. I wanted to run to him, to cry out, to do some sort of dance. But I didn't do any of those things. I was cool and said goodbye and went home and cried out and did happy dances. And I haven't been able to shut off this light inside me ever since.

I don't know what will come of this. It could be just another 2 years of the same 6 years I've done already. This love sentence that doesn't allow me to really get close to anyone else because of the hope that this will finally be what it has the opportunity to be. I don't know if he really feels anything for me other than wanting to have sex. I just don't know and I have decided to not worry about that. I am just going to accept this for what it is because we are not done. I am going to be loyal to that thought this time.

I'm okay. I'm great. and I just might get an opportunity to taste the joy that I've always dreamt of with this man.