It's OK to be me? For real though?

I struggle big time with my self esteem. No matter how big I talk I really don't think I'm going to be able to be a teacher. I'm just too unpredictable/crazy/incompetent/unstable/hot-headed. All my life I've had to listen to that. My family said it over and over but I was just a little girl in a situation that was completely out of my control. People passing me from one family to the next, no one keeping me. Bad things happen to girls in situations like that don't you know. All I wanted was to be loved. But no one did that for long.
And then I heard it from my ex husband for years and years. I was crazy because I couldn't handle him cheating on me, beating on me and running around doing drugs like a homeless teenager.

Up on a tight rope

For a very long time my job has been my sanctuary. It's a place where I feel valued and trusted. But that recently changed. I used to get this awful feeling that would creep up over me on Sunday nights, I called it the creeping death. It's been years since I felt it. Now I feel it all the time. It's this feeling of being judged by other people, not being good enough to be here doing what I'm doing. And I even get that feeling from people I thought were my friends. I am paranoid and honestly feel like no one has any intention of seeing me become a full time teacher. This is the most stressful thing I've dealt with since my oldest daughter turned 16 (that was hard).
True, I have a lot of changing to do. I need to become more amicable. I need to try to enjoy the time I have away from the job more, so I'm more refreshed while I'm there. And I have to work better with others. That's the hard one, especially when their morons. But I didn't work this hard to get here just to give up. I did not.

It's been awhile but when you're ready you're ready.
I had an epiphany in the bath tub this morning. My ex husband might have just been acting out of human nature rather than being a demon from hell sent to destroy me. I don't say this lightly. Anyone that knows me well knows the amount of hate I hold in my heart for that man. They are also then aware of the effect that hate has had on me and my personal life. Obviously I've wanted to let this go for some time, it has been over 10 years after all. He's remarried, new child. My kids are grown, why would I want to hang on to this anger? How do I let go?
A friend was talking about the situation with her parents. Very similar to the situation with my ex husband. She said she wished her mother would take responsibility f9r the role she played in the relationship, so I began looking at my responsibility in my own marraige. What role did I play in this very abusive relationship. I was surprised by what I actually found.
I loved him, devoted myself to him and I wanted to prove it to him. I thought that if I took everything he threw at me, if I stayed (as long as I stayed) it was proof of how much I loved him. The more bullshit I put up with, the more I loved him. I just realized though that he never saw it that way. What I was trying to say was "I will love you and be here for you no matter what" but what he heard me saying was "you can do anything you want and I will still be here"
I have to examine that. What message should I have been trying to send? How should I have gone about sending it? I wish someone had told me at that age that I was allowed to have my own expectations. I don't know if it would have helped or not, as an adult I walked into the same trap with someone else. But that's why I examine these thoughts, feelings, and choices. I want a healthy loving relationship with someone that supports and encourages me. Now that I'm aware of this it should be easy to weed out the people in my life that don't do this. I really hope it's that cut and dried.