A quick last thing

 I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling about things right now. I feel good, well put together, steady on my meds, I'm looking towards the future, I'm remembering to center myself when I need to, I'm making new friends and thinking about my children more often. I'm trying new things like sewing and I'm going to make a pie for everybody. I filled out a form for therapy just now so I'll be getting started with that. I'm just waiting now to make some money so I can get my license back and get my car back so I don't have to ride the bus anymore. I hate that fucking bus. I have to leave in 16 minutes so I can walk 5 blocks and nearly miss the bus again like I've done already all fucking week. That is my biggest complaint in life right now. I miss Chris but I can't dwell on it anymore, it sucks me down into this sad and desperate feeling place and I can't live there. I've tried to make a guy friend, there's one boy that puts a shine on me but he's from the chatline too and for that reason alone I don't really feel like I can trust him. Honestly though he's the only guy I've found interesting enough to catch my attention besides Chris or Steve in 2.75 years. That has to say something doesn't it? Anyway, I have to leave in about 10 minutes. I better get my ass moving.

A breath of fresh air

 I just had the most amazing dream. My dreams have all been fucked up for a long time but this dream, oh my god. So there is this guy that I work with and he looks just like kurt cobain. Plus he's gay which makes everything just a little more touchy but he is perfectly beautiful. Anyway he was in my dream as a confidant and that was all. But there was another guy in my dream that I wanted to be with so extremely bad. He is the good guy but with a rough exterior. I made a decision in that dream that I wanted to be with him and nothing was going to get in my way. I was going up to this room where he stayed I think and I was writing to him in this journal thing that was already there. And he was loving it, I mean he was eating it up. I look just like I look and he was falling for me but as I was getting to know people it came to my attention that there were a lot of girly politics going on so I asked this chick about him and she told me all about him and then told me she was his girlfriend and I made the decision that I was going to win him over no matter the cost. She was going to lose him. That's what I did with Chris. I told Angel how much I liked him. I wasn't afraid of her, I wanted him and I got him. I didn't get to hang on to him but I had him for a good amount of time. And I did win, there were aspects of his personality I've never had in a man before but there was this other side of him that had to hurt me when I didn't follow his "rules" and instead of talking to me about how he felt or tell me that he was upset with me about whatever it was that he was upset about he just became a monster towards me. So, I lost him. I wish I hadn't because there are so many things I still want to tell him sometimes. Anyway, this dream though. So she tells me that that's her boyfriend and as soon as she did I just had this overpowering feeling of strength. And I knew with everything in my being he was the guy for me and no matter what she was going to say wasn't going to change anything. So I fell in love, it was in my sleep but I so hope he makes a reappearance in my dreams because I need this. I need to feel alive again. My spirit has been dead for awhile now and I need a reason to get up and do things. I'm still not enough of a reason but if I could have adventures in my dreams, if I could fight for someone in my dreams it would all be worth it. 

That made me think of my tattoo. Half Fire, half water. Like a ying yang. the center of the fire will be the hot white of the sun with flames coming up out of one side and the top will be fire engine red and the other side will be blue and the center will be a calming black and the rest will be blue like the deep of the ocean with surf towards the top and a dolphin possibly even though I don't give a shit about dolphins. BEAUTIFUL. I feel love in my heart today. The first day since he stopped calling me. Part of me feels a little guilty because I don't want to let him go. I'm not letting him go though. I will love him until the day I die. I just don't get to be with him anymore. This kind of love never dies. The things he did for me, no one else in the world could do for me. 

I miss you Chris but I know you don't want me anymore. That breaks my fucking heart. I will never love another man the way I love you. I know I won't. You are my "one". I'm sorry you don't feel the same. I'm sorry if I hurt you or said things that hurt you, I'm so sorry. I'm trying to move on, ya know. I really am. Crazy nut job perverts aren't going to help me though, they aren't going to be important to me and at least in this moment in my life I don't want to be there. I think it's weird that for as long as we were together you still don't get that. I am just as good as you ever thought I was and I'm just as bad as you ever thought I was, just like you are. I need to meet someone like that and I just don't see it happening. You are one of a kind my friend. One in 380,000,000. 

Alone in the pigpen with all the pigs

 You've left me alone with all these perverts. I can't believe that you did this to me. This hurts more than anything you've done before. I can't believe that you just stopped caring. It hurts and it hurts bad and the last few days have been really hard without you for some reason. I was feeling better, not over it but I was feeling better but the last few days I just wanted so badly for you to be there. I'm doing the best I can but I've been getting more feedback from these jackasses and I don't know how to get from there to where I need to be to truly end this nightmare that I've become a part of. Unfortunately I'm afraid that the only people reading this blog now are the perverts. 

Chris I miss you so much. I want so badly to get back out there and look for you, I know right where to find you if I want to look but I've been fighting that off. I don't think you want me on the chatline, I told you that I won't be one of those sorry ass bitches that follows you from place to place. I had to stop. I need to hurt myself to help with this pain but that isn't what I need. It would be so much easier to just cut the fuck out of myself and forget but I would have to carry those scars for the rest of my life.

I wish we could love like we did once. How do you feel knowing that I'm out here and I don't lean on you for anything anymore. It's fake at this point. It doesn't mean anything at all that I'm not talking to you because I still want to talk to you. I would be talking to you if you called me but I know you aren't going to do that. You are preoccupied by other people now and I'm just a memory. You aren't a memory to me. You are still the person that stuck it out with me when things were at their worst. I love you just as much today as I did 2 years and 7 months ago. I hate myself.

It's oh so Quiet

 Tonight is too quiet. I don't have the connections I had with these ladies before but I think it's better this way. We can talk but this sense of closeness is just unfuckingnecessary. I don't want to be so in to this, what would this quiet week have been like. I know you have up and moved on. I miss you so much. I want to call, just one more time. But that's what it will always be, just one more time. I am so empty, my life seems so pointless now. I will go on anyway. Maybe we will meet again in another life. Maybe we have ended the connection that so strongly held us together. But still I miss you.