I hate myself

Pot, move, start a new job, tanya, move again. Nothing in my life is right. It was before I moved and started smoking pot. I just feel like I've taken so many steps backwards. I was on my way to greatness and now I feel like I've thrown everything I cared about away. I don't know how I am going to recover from this, or when. I'm so sick of fighting. I'm sick of getting up every day and trying to make things work. Trying to fight the good fight, trying to make ends meet, trying to stay high, trying to eat--forcing myself to eat lately. I'm tired and I just want to give up. But there is no way to give up and somehow meet my needs at the same time. If I give up all of the shit that's chasing me is going to roll right over me. And yesterday? That was insane. I was insane. Why would I do that? I know what is at stake. 

There are 2 people in my whole life, well maybe three, that loved me unconditionally. It doesn't matter whether I'm good or not good Chris always had me. He was always there for me, even when no one else was. It doesn't make sense then that I turn on him when I'm angry. I have a feeling that's part of the reason I went on the chatline yesterday, to get all those horrible feelings I was having out and away from me. To put it on to someone else like Shannon or Champagne. Let them have all those ugly feelings. If two people ever deserved that shit its them. 

And then the door dashing incident. I will be lucky if I don't get kicked the fuck off door dash. Or if I don't end up getting beat the fuck out of by one of these people someday. It's a lot of work staying on top of things, especially when I'm high all the time. I was so much better when I wasn't smoking. I just don't feel like I can now and I don't know why. I'm feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I thought pot brought back the comfortable me. I'm comfortable when I'm high. No anxiety, nothing stresses me out. But look at me when I don't have the shit, I'm a fucking wreck. If this is how it is after 2 days what am I going to do at 3 or 4?

And my meds? Fuck man. It's a fucking mess this life of mine. I don't blame Chris for wanting to be rid of me. Friday night he made me feel so fucking special, wonderful, perfect. Now he hates me and wants me to kill myself. He will never forgive me for the things I said and did. Chances are when I'm upset I will say and do those things all over again. I can't expect anyone to live this crazy with me anymore. 

I love him so much. He means everything to me and now. I can't anymore. I can't keep doing this to him or my children. He's right when he said they would be relieved. They would be in so much pain for a minute. I was. But in the long run it will be better for them. It's the only way I will ever stay away from the chatline and avoid fucking up my life any more than I already have. How can I possibly ever make this a life worth living? 

I can't kill myself, I've tried. I just can't do it. I always think of my kids and what their reaction would be when they find out what I've done. I don't think I will ever be OK. I am always going to struggle with these emotional problems. Please god, someone help me. I just want to be able to live without everything falling apart. 

I have to quit smoking pot again. Saying goodbye to literally the two things that mean more than anything to me? I might as well be dead.

why?

Why does this always happen? You called me this morning and I was on the toilet. By the time I got to the phone you were gone. I forgot my phone in the car and see now you called me a half an hour ago. 🤬🤬🤬

I am so scared.

Im having so much anxiety right now. I'm just sick. I don't think you're going to call me back. Why didn't you call me earlier? Are you dumping me? Please don't, Please. I don't know what to do. You are the only person that really cares about me. Sometimes you're just so mean to me though. I just want to mean something to somebody. I know I mean something to you but after a while I start to feel like you just hate me. Please don't leave me. Please call me. You promised me. My heart hurts so much. Please don't forget about me.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

 Sometimes you are just mean. MEAN! I don't understand why either. You haven't had any time for me lately. I haven't had a lot for you either but fuck I miss you so fucking much. I want to spend the night with you like we used to, I miss it so much. I don't know what changed, what happened? Why did you stop spending time with me like you used to?  You say mean things too, did I do something that hurt you? Do you really think I'm talking to someone else? I barely have time to breath around here. I laid down the other day and slept for 3 hours in the middle of the fucking day, I have just been run ragged. I'm always a day late and a dollar short. That perfectly describes the way I've been feeling lately. I, I, I. Sorry, the rant is over. 

How was your mother's day? You say your mother is gone. I don't know how you feel about it. I don't really care anymore. For me to bring up all those old memories and feelings for one day, I just try to think about a couple of good things that I loved about her. I thought about her nasty licorice breath earlier. It was true but it was something we joked about a lot. She was the coolest mom. I remember that we pretended to be Swedish maids and washed the clothes in the bathtub with a washboard. She had huge boobs and one year on Halloween(I was 5) I started the house on fire trying to light the pumpkin with a huge wad of rolled up newspaper by lighting the newspaper on the stove and then shoving it in the pumpkin. I remember my mom running out of the shower naked and dripping wet ripping the curtains off the wall and beating the flames off of the walls in the kitchen. All the kids outside saw my mom completely naked and she didn't give a fuck. 

I feel so vulnerable when it comes to us. I am always worried that you're going to leave me. Oh well I'm too tired to go on. ttyl