Sometimes it is written

Movies. These things are huge in my life. I don't know how much other people invest in the couple of hours that a film takes them away but to me they mean so much. Movies are an escape, a way to deal with my problems, a way to bond with other people, and a way to define myself.

I am also very picky about the type of movies I see. In fact, if I were to be honest about things I would have to say that I am a movie snob. I love independent films. IFC is my favorite channel on television. I also love watching certain actors and actresses. I don't think I've ever seen a role that Parker Posey didn't pull off well, even if the movie was horrible. Same with Gary Oldman or a handful of other actors or actresses.

But occasionally I come across a movie with unknown actors. That movie has a story different than any other I've come across. It is not predictable, as I find most movies to be. The music is wonderful and the cinematography is unique. Yes, I pay attention to that kind of shit. It's the little things that make movies what they are. And I found a movie just like that tonight. We went to see slumdog millionaire and I was so blown away. The emotion that movie evoked in me is possibly unparalleled. The other thing I loved about this movie is that they have a message to convey and they aren't afraid to spell it out. Sometimes it is written.

I think the main reason I feel so connected to this movie is that this is the thing I have strived for in my whole life. I want to and attempt to live my life by this. If it is meant to be it will happen, if not it won't. I will have the job I am meant to, the friends I am meant to, the opportunities to do the things I am meant to do when I am meant to do them. And god willing the life partner I am meant to have when I am meant to have them.

I use the term life partner not because I am gay (not that there is anything wrong with that at all) but because this is what a husband would feel like to me. God has already chosen my path for me, when I find the right person to be with I will know that it will be someone that god sees fit for me to share my whole life with. Maybe not the length of it but certainly the depth of it. It will be someone that can truly appreciate everything about me. It is not something I am going to worry about anymore.

On another note, my thoughts this weekend are with a little boy I know. He was removed from his family today and I'm sure this weekend is going to be very hard for him. I will be praying for you little guy.

And finally, I am taking my girls to see legally blond the musical tomorrow. This is something we have been excited about and waiting for. I don't remember the last time my kids were this jazzed about anything. That's good for all of us. And it makes me feel like every once in awhile I do something right. I will add more on that later this weekend.

so I have a lot to say

The lord is alive in my life. This is something I've been aware of for many years now. I hear people doubt or question him and it leaves me baffled because to me he is as tangible as my big beautiful breasteses. He has given me so much in my life time. Put wonderful people into my life, and the courage to stay strong in moments where weakness seemed like the only option.

I've been feeling terribly weak lately. I think I had forgotten where my power really comes from. So I turn to him now and say. "lord, you are my light and my salvation show me my path. I am but a tool for your bidding, use me the way you see fit lord. I know I am here to do your will and not here on this earth for my own gains. I will accept the things you give me lord as if each and every one of them were the gift of gold knowing that each challenge you give me is leading me home."

With just those few words I am comforted. I am reminded that I am not here to get anything or anyone, I am not in this world to reach some goal of my own. I am here to serve the lords purpose for me, and it is through doing that I will find my final and glorious salvation.

I'm sure that sounds like a bunch of religious jargon, and maybe that's exactly what it is and all it is. But to me it means so much more than that. and it gives me a purpose, and makes my pain bearable and understandable. And if that's all it is well that's more than enough right now.

perspective

My children faced the fact that they weren't getting cell phones a long time ago. They asked for them, begged for them and both their father and I said no. They begged that their friends had them, I said oh well. They pleaded with me that it would make them cool, still I said oh well. Their aunty bought them track phones and they used up their minutes, I said they'd have to save up. I lived 27 years without a cell phone there wasn't a single reason they needed one at 10 or at 12.

Then last week I get home late from work and the little one (kid, who is 10 btw) isn't there yet. I didn't even realize this I guess for I sat checking my mail and whatnot for nearly 45 min. before I said to the sister "where is the little one?". Quickly, quietly, and concisely she replies to me "not home". I glance at the clock. 4:45.

To some this may be no big thing, it might even be expected. But in this house this is unheard of. These children are always home by 3:30 unless I have received a phone call. So immediately I break into a sweat. I glance at the clock, then the phone, then the sister. What to do????

I go for a drive to have a little look see. Up and down, back and forth, through parking lots, alley ways, abandoned business locales. I return home at 5:30 and snag the big one for a ride along. Where would she be. We go to the first friends house....she says the little one rode the bus. Now I really freak out. If she rode the bus she would be home immediately. That is now 2 hours and 15 minutes of unaccounted for time. Do you know what a pervert can do to a child in 2 and a quarter hours???? Unfortunately I do. This thought pushes me over the edge.

I am now forced to do the absolute unthinkable thing and call the ex. I would rather chew the sole of my foot off than go to this guy for help but he is automatically in full on panic mode and orders me to contact the police, and tells me he's on his way. The first time in 4 years I see this as a positive thing. I contact the police, they are now looking as well.

Near tears I am driving in the direction of my home. It is dark now and I am but a few blocks away. I am looking at the houses we drive past knowing that she would have walked this route home from the bus, wondering which one of these houses she is in and how I will find her.

Then I glance to the left and see the shadow image of a short slender figure dragging something behind it coming down the sidewalk. The tears well in my eyes and I pull up next to her. She climbs in and says "hi mom" with a big smile on her face.

I went right out and got both those girls cell phones.

4 AM and all is well

This is my 4 a.m. self, and I love her just as much as my 4 p.m. self. scary.

I went to des moines this weekend and finally got to meet the famous jules joyce. She is probably the only person or one of 3 people that read this blog so I will say this....Meeting you was great, I wish we lived in the same town. and i'm not saying that lightly. Your the kinda chick i could hang with on the reg.

We went to Azalea's downtown. Not impressed. YES the food was yummy, but not that yummy. And the menu was boring. And it was EXPENSIVE. FUCK THAT. We also went to the waveland cafe and that was better.

I did gather a funny story from Azalea's though. So we are sitting there very aware that we are munching the 11 dollar hamburger because we didn't want to spend 32 dollars on a plain old steak (I wanted the duck that the displayed menu bragged about but the inny menu had been stripped of) but then I look up and see that there is a couple there in the restaurant having a quiet and romantic dinner for two. The woman is having the 32 dollar steak dinner, and the man is eating the same fucking 11 dollar hamburger that we are. You know that motherfucker was pissed off. I just hope he got some pussy after all that.

We did more than that. I got to see American Gothic, I've always loved grant wood. and we went to the botanical center and listened to this Haas woman sing the blues. I wanted to put her in my pocket and take her home with me. Somehow she knew exactly what i was feeling. We walked a lot, spent a fair amount of time trying to get tickets to legally blond, did some shopping. Spent a fuck load of money. But funnest of all was the foulness, the filth that we enjoy wallowing in. That is what the trip was really about anyway.

It seems as though I am about to become my 5 a.m. self. And my 5 a.m. self likes to hang out in the bathtub and use smelly things like soaps and lotions. Somehow that and this come from the same person. weird.

I wish I could say I feel refreshed and anew but I don't. I feel lagging like I don't want to let go of the weekend. I feel sad and lonely because I still haven't found someone to love that will love me back the same. I feel sore and worried about my health because I haven't done the things I have needed to do to ensure that. and I feel afraid that I will not be able to bear the financial burden of being me. But these things are nothing new, in fact it is these things that make up a huge part of who I am and why I do the kind of things that I do. They are what motivate me to get up in the morning and keep going long after I have used the last of my energy. and weird or not I know it's okay.

My Valentines Day

I bring it all on myself and I don't give a shit. I don't need to be anything to anyone other than what I am to me and my girls. Good friends will quickly become other things in the moments where they disagree with the way you choose to live your life. I've known this for years.

This V day there was something nearly magic that happened to my life. 7 years ago I started working for a very small medical supply store. Boring job. There were 3 girls upfront and 2 delivery men out back. Upfront it was me in my late 20's and two older women. In the back was a middle aged married man and some young kid. That's the way I felt about things for awhile.

Then one day I was passing out some candy I had and as I dropped the candy in the kids hand I happened to look up into his eyes and wow. That's all I can say. From that day on we had lunch together, hung out together out back. I was married then and having a lot of problems at home. I wanted to cheat but couldn't bring myself to cross that line. We talked about it and I said I couldn't, later when the subject came up again he refused. One night he asked me to come over and I didn't show up and then there were countless times when I wanted him to be there and he wasn't.

The problems at home got worse and worse. The worse they got the more I clung to the idea of kyle. The more I started to see him as a solution. I objectified him, freaked him out, and ultimately destroyed any chance of him wanting to make things with me work. I quit my job and that was the end of our daily interactions with each other.

I called his cell once about 6 months after I quit working there and he called me back. It was so good to hear his voice but nothing between us had changed at that point. The one thing he said during that conversation was that we did have fun together, didn't we. That was important for me to hear because I had started to feel that the things that happened between us really didn't mean anything to him.

Then it was nearly two years before I saw him again. I had heard rumors that he had moved to Webster City, I really didn't think I'd come across him in fort dodge after that. One day I pulled into a drive thru convenience store just a couple of blocks from my house and was awe struck to see this man smiling down at me, his face lit up like someone plugged him into something. It was something that I had longed to see everyday since the last day I saw it. I missed him so much but hadn't even realized it.

I started making regular stops through and we did a lot of lite chit chatting. He eventually told me that he was in a serious relationship and had a child with the woman. I was really devastated by this news. I thought that we might have a chance now and I'm ashamed to admit that I even tried to tempt him into an affair but he declined. I wasn't surprised nor did I take it personally.

Still to this day I am unsure of what his feelings are or ever were for me. He hurt my heart more than any man ever hurt my heart in my life. My ex husband was a monster and cheated on me but it never felt the way it felt to hear kyle tell me that everything between us had been in my head. When I heard those words I thought I would die where I was standing.

I don't know if he meant it, I think he probably just wanted to get rid of me by that time. I guess I deserved it too. He tried to tell me no nicely but I just wasn't listening, I couldn't hear it. He was my escape from reality and I really fucked the whole thing up. I've regretted those mistakes more than nearly any others of my life.

I have come to terms with the fact that it is over. We are never going to be anything, never going to have anything between us. He just isn't into me or whatever. I decided to believe what he said about this thing being in my head. And in June I stopped going to see him. I let him go.

Friday was the day before valentines day. I had a car full of valentine cupcakes from school and I was desperate for a soda. I decided to swing through the convenience store where he works and grab one. I saw his car there and on a whim stopped to drop off a cupcake, thinking of 4 years ago when he asked me to be his valentine. He looked great, seemed happy, and then asked me if I was still with the boyfriend I had the last time we talked. I told him no that we broke up in November and then he looked at me smiled and told me he was single now too. And then asked me to stop by again sometime. I wanted to run to him, to cry out, to do some sort of dance. But I didn't do any of those things. I was cool and said goodbye and went home and cried out and did happy dances. And I haven't been able to shut off this light inside me ever since.

I don't know what will come of this. It could be just another 2 years of the same 6 years I've done already. This love sentence that doesn't allow me to really get close to anyone else because of the hope that this will finally be what it has the opportunity to be. I don't know if he really feels anything for me other than wanting to have sex. I just don't know and I have decided to not worry about that. I am just going to accept this for what it is because we are not done. I am going to be loyal to that thought this time.

I'm okay. I'm great. and I just might get an opportunity to taste the joy that I've always dreamt of with this man.

ewwww, don't let the poor get on me

I am so scared of being poor. Not that I'm not poor right now. I qualify for food stamps and technically that makes me poor. I'm talking about the kind of poor where I can't pay my bills and I can't do anything when I get a disconnect notice but wait. That sends me into a panic that is followed by fits of hysterical crying seated in a friends kitchen. been there, not fun.

But it's hard to not think about it when so many people you know are getting laid off or are having to do the laying off. It's hard to keep those images out of your head when your paying 7 dollars for only ehhh cat food. What is happening to our world?

I want to get a job for extra money to build a cushion to help me out if things were to go awry but even jobs at mcdonalds are hard to come by these days. The world is becoming the scary 80's way, and all we can do is sit on our hands and wait for it to get worse. Thank you george bush for being a fucking prick and getting our asses in this sling just so you can say you got Hussein. You fucking idiot.

I'm hoping to get through these next two years without to much financial chaos. I hope the child support isn't affected and my job is still here next year. But with a hundred thousand dollars worth of cuts to the schools budget that might be a bit difficult. I am heading back to school in the summer come what may. I just can't stay vulnerable like this any longer, it's more worry than carrying 2 jobs and school full time.