i love you

I love you and I always have. I'm pretty sure I always will too. Everyday won't be our best day, but even those days are wonderful to me. Thank you for being a truly wonderful person for me. I hope sometimes you think I'm a wonderful person for you too. Have a great day baby, love you.

Therapy 11/1/22

 Heather Lenning had a tumultuous life. Her childhood was difficult. Her mother was seriously mentally ill and attempted suicide while her father was suffering from PTSD from Vietnam and had problems with addiction. Neither of her parents were able to care for her properly and she was shuffled around between family members, foster homes, group homes, psych wards and such. 

During that time Heather was molested by a cousin, and had inappropriate contact with her father. This accompanied with an incident during her toddlerhood created an unending sexual desire in her that would cause her to develop unhealthy sexual habits. As early as 5 years old Heather remembers masturbating. She remembers having inappropriate sexual contact with other children, including her younger sister. She remembers using things to help her achieve orgasms such as dolls and furniture. 

Heather was not afraid to masturbate anywhere and remembers masturbating even in public. She remembers having inappropriate sexual feelings all the time as a child. In public, in front of family members. she remembers grinding against adults that allowed her to "ride the pony".

Heather remembers scouring books for any mention of sex. She found a book about a woman that became fascinated by lesbians and a man that forced her to watch to lesbians having sex while he tortured her. This was extremely exciting to her. She found several books and magazines when she lived with her father that went into detail about lesbians and all of this turned her on. She was masturbating through all of this, talking to herself out loud saying nasty things out loud, any nasty things that came into her head. She would masturbate until she was sore and bruised. The pain didn't make her stop, in fact at times the pain made her want to do it more.

During the time she lived with her father she was exposed to heavy drug use and bizarre porn. She was shown porn in which the devil was sucking milk out of women's breasts. There were men present during this showing and there were small unclothed children as well. Heather went back to her home and masturbated furiously. After this she often included these things in her fantasies. During this time her father was also pushing his sexuality on her. Forcing her to lay with him while he had an erection. Rubbing his erection into her. This made her sick to her stomach and embarrassed. She never wanted anyone to know about this.

After Heather moved from her fathers these fantasies slowly faded away and were replaced by fantasies of falling in love and finding a specific boy to be with. Her fantasies often returned to the lesbian stories she had read when she was younger though. She was never interested in having relationships with women but her sexual fantasies were always about women. As she got older these fantasies intensified and while she did have sex with a few women she never pursued the idea any further.

While she was married Heather was raped by her husband. After this rape took place she never wanted him to touch her again, although he often did. She would fantasize about women during the encounters. Her fantasies began to change however. They became aggressive and about control. About Heather controlling the sexual encounter and became increasingly demeaning and hurtful. Then Heather discovered a website with stories about incest and child molestation. She would spend hours reading through these really bad stories and masturbating about them. But she eventually put space between her and the website, feeling that ultimately it was wrong.

After her divorce she began doing phone sex for money. At first focusing her fantasies on men and what they wanted. Over time she became exposed to pedophilia. At first these phone calls disgusted her but eventually they became intriguing and exciting. She went through a period of time when these calls were so exciting to her that her body would shake and she would have the most intense orgasms she'd experienced in her life. After that point phone sex changed for Heather. She was no longer doing it for money, she was doing it for the orgasms. And the only calls she enjoyed taking were the calls that involved children or some sort of abuse or sacrilege. 

Finally Heather sought out a phone sex company that specialized in pedophilia and began a specialty in accomplice fantasies in which she was helping a pedophile abuse his victims. She had also found phone chatlines that were filled with men that would masturbate to these fantasies with her. There were men that spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars a week to talk to her. This gave her a very big sense of self esteem and she convinced herself that she was helping these men deal with their fantasies rather than doing harm to other people. 

Then Heather met a special man. And she fell in love with him. Over time she began to feel that these fantasies were wrong and she shouldn't be participating in them. She wanted to be excited by her partner and only him. She stopped calling the phone lines but struggled with it on and off for years. It is still something she struggles with from time to time but she wants to walk away from it completely. For the most part she has left it behind. She has learned ways to have these fantasies without involving other people but still feels guilty for them. She has struggled with self hate and questioned whether or not she is a danger to children.