not calling me tonight either, huh?

I guess this is the new thing. You just don't call me sometimes

T & A

Still horny. I'm not going to let myself cum until I'm with Chris. My body feels so fucking good. So nasty and it's ok.

I have an awful feeling

Something happened today. Im not sure what all I'm feeling. Guilt remorse anger justification sadness, sadness. I am now truly an orphan. I'm really scared you aren't going to call me tonight. 

yeah it hurts

I'm trying to accept that it's over. There should be some relief coming. Sucks that I ran out of weed yesterday but not everything works out perfectly. I miss you. I hate this. 

denial

I can't face this. I'm still just waiting for you. I'm fucking waiting for you. Are you just going to toss me out like I'm garbage? Please don't do this baby, please. You didn't even say goodbye. Goddammit Chris, please don't do this to me. I need you. I fucking need you.

It's so fucking weird to be at this place I never thought I would be with you even though I've been scared of this for so long. You always made me feel safe and reassured me. There is no reassurance here. You dumped me.

I can't focus on anything but you. Where did you go?

 Please god help me. I am out of my mind crazy worried and I feel like I just want to peel the skin off my face. Why do these kinds of things happen? I'm so fucking scared. I try to soothe myself, I keep telling myself there is something wrong with his phone or something like that but I'm just sick. Where the fuck is he? He doesn't do this! He has never done this to me before, except that one time with Texas but even that didn't go like this. You are no where on these chatlines. Did you move to a different chatline? Are you with someone? Are you just talking to girls like usual? Please just tell me if that's the case. I feel pretty sure you aren't going to call me tonight either. Why wouldn't you have called me already? Where are your other girls, that's why I think maybe people really did go to another chatline. Can you just shut me out like that? This is killing me baby. Is this the way we end? Please no. Please no. 

I promise I won't be crazy or screaming or anything else, I just want to know you're ok.  Can't you think of a way to let me know you're ok.

I don't know what to do

 I didn't hear from you last night nor all day today. You've never done this before where you don't talk to me at night or during the day. What the fuck is going on? I just keep asking myself the same questions. Did I go to far with the phone sex shit? Is it because I went on the chatline looking for you last night or all day today? Where the fuck are you? I don't know what to do without you. You better just be hugged up with some bitch. I'm worried about your phone, or your health, I hope you aren't in jail but what would you don't go out so I don't know how that would have happened. God I love you so fucking much, I don't know what I would do without you. I hope this isn't your way of giving me the great kiss off. I wish you would have told me at least. I wish you would have said goodbye, you can't just leave a person like this. GODDAMMIT WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? I just don't know where to turn. Did you hear me out there looking for you earlier. Were you in one of those quiet rooms I sat in? It makes me feel better to be on the chatline because I feel closer to you somehow. Please just tell me. Don't make me wait it out. Please please don't make me wait it out. I can't even think straight. Please daddy, I miss you so much. Please come back to me. Please!!!!!!!!

I don't get it

I talked to you at noon yesterday. What the fuck happened? Has this been a plan? I am freaking out. I need to try to relax. I have to try.

please be with Shasta

What is going on? Did you dump me? Are you just avoiding me? Is there something wrong with your phone or did something happen to you? Please I hope you wouldn't just scare me like this. You would have let it ring at least once, you would do that for me at least. I'm worried sick baby. I'm so sorry if I did something that upset you enough to just ghost me. I am losing my mind. Please just reach out to me and let me know your ok.

im sorry

I'm so scared I don't know what to think I feel like I've known for a while that you wanted to break up with me you've set it a lot lately you don't want to talk to me anymore you got this new girl I don't know if that's what this is you just stop talking to me now. But I really hope that's I don't know I don't know I've got a really bad feeling though I just don't understand why you didn't call me last better this morning I am scared I mean you usually just come and hang up on me at least let me know what you're thinking about me what if you don't go back you scared I'm sorry

for the love of god

Where the fuck are you? 

fucking Christ where are you?

What the fuck? This is not normal. Where are you? I hope this is nothing. You're mad or busy or something. It's just really weird and I'm scared. Did I do something wrong? Please talk to me. Let me know you're ok. Please. Call and hang up on me, something. Where the fuck are you?

anxiety

This anxiety is killing me I feel white hot and sick to my stomach. I don't know if you just don't want to talk to me. And then I don't know why did I do something wrong are you mad that my phone was dead while I was taking a nap yesterday are you mad that I got on the chat line at 12:30 at night to look for you I mean I just don't understand why you haven't called me since noon yesterday that s*** freaks me the f*** out. I don't know if something happened to you or what I just know I'm scared to death.

where the fuck are you?

You don't do this. Are you ok? I'm freaking the fuck out. I haven't heard from you since noon yesterday, what the fuck? You never completely skip calling me. I am so hoping that you call me or that I hear you out there at least. I don't know what to do. I'm scared you're just hiding from me. I'm sorry if I've just been too aggressive lately. I'm sorry I stayed on the chatline all night. At this point I just want to hear your voice and know you're ok. This is just weird and as always I'm scared you aren't going to call me at all. If something is wrong, oh. Please baby. I'm so scared. I feel sick.

For Real Though

 I have so motherfucking much to think about it's seems kind of crazy in there right now. I have idea's about this and idea's about that. I don't know where to begin.

1. I am good at my job. My coworkers trust and respect me. The kids all love me because I get on their level. The parents all think I'm a fucking genious. I feel like a miracle worker. When I see the progress, my clients are making it's remarkable. Who would have thought this shit actually works. I have tried for years to read about it, go to therapy, watch youtube videos about it, spend countless hours of my life pondering over it and then one day it clicks with me just like that. Just like fucking that. Chris said, if you believe you achieve. At the time I thought that was so corny but I was thinking one night and it just fucking clicked.

2.I know how and when to properly use my coping skills. When I feel myself start to get upset I have to ground myself. Then I try to be mindful of what is going on around me. Then I think about what is upsetting me and then I speak. That's the order it has to go in. Fuck the person you are talking to, this is about you learning to do better. You owe it to yourself to put this into practice. 

3.I buy in to my own bullshit. I never used to but I just recently realized that if I follow those rules of life, things turn out quite well for me. 

4. I am a good person. The things I have done in the past do not define who I am today. I am kind and loving and want good things for everyone. I don't hold grudges against people. I don't try to seek revenge, that's not my problem. I pray for people that hurt me that someday they get the opportunity to change.

5. I am OK on my own. I don't need other people to make me feel safe. I keep myself company without the use of pot. I don't like to smoke pot until bedtime. It makes me too sleepy. I don't like to eat too much sugar, it keeps me up at night and fucks up my blood sugar. I am so glad that I stay on top of my diabeties. Some day I will get rid of it. 

6. I recognize when I am feeling anxiety and deal with it rationally. I don't need to blame my feelings on anyone else, I know how to take responsibility for my feelings and I know how to keep myself safe. I keep myself safe by staying aware of the people around me but learn to trust them not too much but just enough. People don't need to know everything about me. 

7. I am a trusting person. I trust that the people I associate with would never truly hurt me. They may get angry and say hateful shit that they only mean when they are angry. But I know the people I love would never damage me. They know I would never damage them, regardless of how I feel when I am angry. And they know I know, just like I know they know. There is mutual respect between us and trust. Trust that when you say you love me I know I you mean it.

8. I know Chris loves me. I know it because he calls me every day. Mad or not he calls me every day. He is not trying to hurt me, he is not out to get me, he is simply living his life. I am living my own life too. I get to decide what I do every minute of every day. I don't need anyone telling me 100 times that they love me, and they are not going to leave. I can trust that Chris isn't going to leave me for no reason. I treat him right. I think about his feelings before I speak. I ask him whether or not he wants to talk before I engage him. If he says he wants to talk, I have things to talk about. It's ok if I don't feel like talking, he should also want to be quiet sometimes. 

8a. I know I love Chris. I wait for him. I recognize the things he does on the down low for me. Things that might look like hateful acts but are really acts of kindness. I would do nearly anything for him. I would hide a dead body for him for sure. Well not any dead body, but almost any. I know it brings him pride to see the things he has done for me and I think that might be why when I do something it hurts him so much. Also, I was doing very well for awhile, I hit a bump in the road but I'm finally over it. I let it go because it's not my problem how she gets to Chicago. I let it go because she has disappeared from my life and will never bother me again. 

9. I don't need anything but basic food water, gas and the CMC. I will never like some vegetables, but I am opening myself up to trying more vegetables. Raw vegetables too. I love water now. Soda is too sweet for me and makes me feel bloated. The sugar is terrible for me and it's money I don't have to spend. 

10. It's getting to where I can hardly stand to smoke cigarettes anymore. Since I got sick with Hannah that day, I just feel nauseous if I smoke more than a little bit at a time and I'm not going through cigarettes as fast. I don't really have the extra money for them anyway. 

11. I have finally gotten my struggle with marijuana under control. I love pot but it has to be in small doses. I can smoke on a Wednesday and a Saturday but that's it. I don't need it all the time, just here and there to take the bad edges off. 

12. I have been craving fresh fruit lately. It's gotta be from eating the lettuce. I Eat LETTUCE!!!!! Smoothies are starting to sound good too. The strawberries I just had were amazing.

13. Sometimes when I've been sitting for too long, I just have to go out and run a little bit somewhere to burn off the excess energy. I feel so much better afterward. 

14. I don't try to control Chris. I can't make him call me at the same time every day. I can control me and whether or not I answer the phone when he calls. If I am busy with something else, I don't need to answer. What would that something else be? My children. My job. I need to be able to pay my bills. He wouldn't do that for me, but my kids would.

15. I have a lot of respect for my daughters and what they have done for me. I respect their pasts and their experiences. I know those things matter. My children mean everything to me. I will stop at no lengths to make them proud of the mother they have. And for them to know how proud I am of them. And how much I appreciate both of them. 

16. I have a lot of respect for Chris. I believe that he is as honest as I feel like he can be. He is so supportive and invested in our relationship. He puts time and effort and thought into things at times. He has touched my heart in many ways. He can almost read my thoughts to the point I'm almost certain that he can. The only reason I won't commit myself fully to that comment is that only a crazy person would say some shit like that.

17. I no longer give a fucking shit about that chatline. The times I was out there listening, it was fucking pathetic. Some of the same people, some I never heard before. A lot of questions about where the fuck people went. But there isn't anything there for me. None of those men will ever meet me, if they would they probably have some sort of ill intentions. I wouldn't feel that way about Chris because he knows my heart. He really does. I trust him fully. 

18. I believe I caught an illness of the mind. I believe that I was exposed to strange adult behavior when I was a little girl that led me towards porn. My curiosity and my pleasure drew me in. I don't know if I was weak or if I just decided that I was bad and so would always choose the bad thing. When I was a child, I was bad. I didn't care about other people. I beat my sister up and used her at the youngest of ages. I wasn't bad. Someone (actually a shit ton of people) told me I was bad, and I believed it. I am not bad. I have just as much of an opportunity left to do good in my life as I do to do bad. I am not perfect, no one is but I strive for my version of perfection. 

Wow. I think that's it for now. That was a lot, and I will probably come back and make changes too or add a few more. These are real affirmations. Real thoughts I want to have and look back on every day, every day until I really start to see the manifestation of them in my life. I probably sound like a total crazy person, but until you believe these things are true, they won't ever be true. Only when you accept their possibility do you gain probability for them to happen. Fuck maybe I am crazy, but this shit has had me jazzed for a while. 

I've got a lot to think about

Wow. Thanks for that. Your mad that I spent 2 minutes on that chatline. And you are mad. You just told me you wanna be with Megan. And at first I was so insulted and angry. I thought about you saying you don't want to talk to me. What do I do with that, it hurts. I love you and want more than anything to touch you, or to feel you touch me. Not just in a fucked up phone sex way but in a head on my chest kinda way. That's how I feel about you. I love you with every spec of dust in my heart.

After I had a little time to think about it I actually feel a little proud. Proud that you feel like you can finally trust me enough to tell me the truth. Or a little of the truth at least.

You're sick of worrying about me going out there and acting stupid. You stopped listening to me which hurts more than anything. I always felt safe with you right there with me. It's felt different like when you got together with Shasta, and when you got with Texas the first time. I get it. You need a lot of affection and attention. You need that and I need so badly to give it.

 I don't really know how to describe this but when I have an emotional reaction to something that is the only thing in my world. Pleasure is one you know about. Pain is another one you know about. And happy. And angry and scared. Yeah you know pretty much all my emotions.

Anyway I understand you wanting to talk to other people. Don't put it in my face, don't talk about her or tell me how much better she is than me, how much younger or prettier or sweeter or whatever than me. That drives me out on the chatline. 

I have to be enough on my own. I have to be ok regardless of what you're doing. What you do when you're not with me is none of my concern as long as you stop hanging the fuck up on me all the time. That also triggers me to want to call the chatline.

What happened to an occasional phone call in the morning that lasts longer than 7 minutes? You asked me why I say you quit talking to me and that's why. 

And you can just get over this little temper tantrum of yours though because I put up with enough of your shit that I deserve a little grace once in awhile too. 

I love you. I have loved you since the day we met and I'd marry you tomorrow if you'd have me. I know the chatline is your life and I don't know if you could give it up but I don't think I would care. I could live with that. I'm not going to convince you of anything though. You've got your reasons. 

You want to kill yourself? You've got your reasons but you can't leave me that way. I'm sorry I say it when I get upset. Really what I mean is I wish I could just disappear. I wish I didn't have to face my struggles anymore. I'm just ready to give up. Not all the time but when I can't stop crying. Ugh. It's embarrassing to think about.

We have to try to find the high ground. It's there, I can feel it. And I want my girlfriend status back. No line of bitches, just girlfriends. I miss you.

Betrayed by my pussy

Why do I have such fucked up fantasies? Why do I think about those things? I don't want to. For a long time I was over that. My body doesn't seem to respond to anyone or anything but Chris. He makes my pulse race and my pussy wet. He makes me feel safe, comfortable and loved. So why does that other shit turn me on? What do I do? This is something I hate myself for.

I'm sad

Where are you? Why won't you talk to me? When can I have my man back? I need you. I'm dying inside.

I love you

I miss you. I wish that things could go back to normal.

My Baby

 I love you with all my heart. I could tell something was bothering you yesterday and the day before. You were acting kind of funny. You said "I need to talk to you, I don't want to talk to you, what do I have to do?" That's what I remember hearing. You've been talking a lot lately about not feeling good. What's going on with you? 

I don't know why we can't seem to communicate with each other right now. I wish there was something I could do to cheer you up. I love you. I could carry you away on a cloud of love, that's how much I love you. I know you love me too. Sometimes that is really put to the test, maybe you feel the same way about me. I don't blame you for not trusting me. I have said and done some pretty fucked up things to you. Maybe you don't want to or can't accept an apology. I am sorry. I wish I didn't get stuck in my own head. Your head is a much better place for me to be. I want to be more centered and shit. You know I have a project I have to finish about what I want to believe about myself. 

I want you to feel good too. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't think you really want to talk to me at all. I feel like I should say, ok then...go if you want. But that thought makes me really fucking sad. There has to be a part of you that still loves me, at least a little. You know how to ghost a bitch when you really want to. 

I really want you to be happy. I want you to feel good and have things in your life that make you feel good. Painting used to make you feel really good, playing the guitar and working in the garden. Hearing me say I love you still makes you feel good. At least you put on like it does.

I am sending you a care package on Friday. No lie, it's happening. If you never pick it up it is money I wasted. If you do pick it up, it will make me the happiest girl in the world. Please don't waste my money, please.

I don't know what to do

Please call me. Please. I need to hear your voice. Please. I won't cry I promise. Please call me. Please don't just leave me hanging. I need you so much. I'm scared of what will happen to me without you. Please.

I'm swimming in a sea of emotion. I love you.

 I think you really broke up with me last night. I feel so fucking sick. Please tell me it isn't true. Please tell me you were just trying to talk shit to me. Please don't let this be true. Why does this have to hurt so bad. I know I don't talk enough but you don't seem to want to talk to me either. I try to think of things to say but it all just gets stuck in my throat. I always think you would think that was stupid, or that I'm stupid. Please don't leave me. What do I have to do? Please tell me what I have to do and I'll do it. I will block the chatline off my phone. I will. I will have more to talk about. I just want my baby back. I love you please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I don't want to be without you. I love you so much. I'm proud of the kind of man you are. You are strong and brave and when you love someone you really love them. That's how I feel about you. You are a good person, you show it every day. Please let me love you. I kept falling asleep last night and couldn't even talk to you. I just heard you say words. "We need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. What do you want me to do?" That's all I remember. I remember questioning you too but you weren't really answering me. Then I noticed we were on the phone together for a long time after that. I love you baby. Please don't leave me. I'm sorry. I know I sound like a parrot. I want to talk to you but I'm scared that whatever I try to talk to you about will bore you to death. 

So I'll start some conversations here, I hate what's happening in our country. I'm scared that 20 years from now it will look like 1950 again. That's what Donald Trump wanted, make america great again. If that's the case I'd like to know where that leaves Native Americans or the Japanese. Women will be arm pieces again or men and women will truly be looked upon the same. We will live in two room apartments seperately and the government will decide when we will have babies. When you think about what they are proposing to do with this country just this year and we have the great reset coming in 2030. It's just scary as fuck. 

Women need to be able to have abortions for lots of reasons. One if a woman isn't capable of raising children, she shouldn't have any. If she gets pregnant it should be her decision whether or not to keep the baby, at least until she tells the man. Once she tells the father about the baby it becomes his baby too and he should have a say in the decision-making process. 

I can talk more about the farm. I've never really talked about that much, have I? Or my extended family. I have things I could tell you about. The concerts I've been too, the live theatre I've seen, the food I've eaten, places I've been. I could tell you about some of the jobs I've had and what my hopes and dreams for the future are. What I'm doing now, what I'm working on. I can read more news, learn new things to talk about. I could share some of my interests and hobbies with you outside of our usual. 

Please don't hate me. I'll talk more, I promise. I'll do alot of things differently. Can't we at least talk about it? I didn't get to say anything to you last night. Please don't leave me. I love you.

I don't know what to do

I don't know how to even wrap my head around last night. I'm praying that what I just remembered isn't true. I couldn't even argue with you. I couldn't beg you not to do it. I hope you aren't going to do it. Please don't leave me, please. I can't sleep without you. I can't eat without you. I can't function without you. Please for fucks sake, please don't leave me. I wanna find out what people are talking about. You and another girl, you and the same old girls, you dumping me. Please don't dump me, please god. 

I've felt this coming, you stopped talking to me basicly. I can't seem to do anything to get your attention anymore. 10 minutes and youre gone. 20 minutes sometimes but never much more than that. Please don't leave me. I love you so much.

I love you so much for so many reasons. I love the way you say my name. I love the way you used to worry about my feet and what I ate, you used to worry about whether I took my medicine or not. You don't seem to worry much about me at all anymore. I've been lonely lately, that's true. But I still haven't talked to anyone else. I haven't had phone sex with anyone else. I don't want to. I love you and I can't bear the thought of it. 

I can't bear the thought of anyone but you comforting me. You have been there for me for over 3 years. We can't just let that go. Please don't let me go. I am desperately begging you to stay with me. Please god, please don't leave me. I need you . And you still do things to try and appease me. I'm sorry if I said the wrong thing. I'm sorry that I've gone on the chatline and bothered you. I'm sorry that I've harrassed the other people you talk to. I'm sorry I've talked shit to you. I'm sorry that I've lied to you. 

I don't want to lose you baby. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to hold on to you. Do you want me to come to Oklahoma? I will. I will come down there this weekend if you want me to, I swear it to you. I love you and I'll always love you. Whether this was pretend or not it was always beautiful to me. Even if you weren't being nice to me, I knew that you loved me. You wouldn't leave me. Please don't leave me, I'm so sorry. I just wish that I could make you happy. I just want to make you happy. I don't know why I don't make you happy anymore. You were so fucking good to me. What changed? Why did you stop loving me? I just don't understand. 

I killed it didn't I. That night you were being so good to me, better and sweeter and kinder than you've ever been and I was still a cunt. I heard it in your voice, your tone toward me changed. The anger inside you changed. Chris I need you. I need that. I can't face this fucking world by myself and without you that's exactly what I am. What do you want me to do? I'll do anything to make this work. Please call me. I won't cry, I promise. I just need to be able to talk to you about this. I couldn't even respond to you last night. 

Dear Dave

 As I peel back the layers of abuse I have gone through I see more clearly all the time how I was not to blame for the things you did to me. Those things were your choice and you weren't trying to help me or support me. You never wanted me to do well or be successful because you were afraid of losing me. And that is the goddamn truth. You never deserved me. You never did right by me. You put on a show for other people because that is all that ever mattered to you. My feelings or how the world approached me wasn't important. Keeping me, that's what you cared about.

You cheated on me so many times with so many people. Terry Krass and how many times did you do that? Way more than I'll ever know. How many times did you do drugs with her and then fuck all night while I was at home with your children? The night I went into labor with Hannah you were at her house fucking her. And her sister??? Yuck. I know you fucked her too. You guys were smoking crack together. She told me that. 

I didn't cheat on you. Only one time, once. And I did it just to get back at you for all the times you did it to me. What did it get me? Did I get the vengence I so deserved? No I didn't. Fucking Jason was one of the worst mistakes of my life becuase you almost killed me for it. Do you remember climbing up on top of me when I was covered in bruises and blood? When both my eyes were swollen shut and my lips were swollen? Do you remember laying on top of me when my entire body was shaking uncontrollably because I was in shock? But you were seeing red, right? You couldn't control that, right? Do you remember telling me that you had a dream where I had sex with him and you cut my head off? I know you do. 

My children suffered for it too. That crazy bitch Heather broke into our house. I always had to accept full responsibility for that. And I did. I took total responsibility for it and felt guilty for all these years. I'm not taking responsibility for that anymore. That bitch was crazy and you got us involved in that crazy. You stayed steady with that group of fucking worthless pieces of shit. Always dragging us back into that life. 

We had babies that needed us to be there for them. Our children needed to be taught values and morals and life skills. You were so focused on who you could fuck that we never moved past that phase of our relationship. You never stepped up and acted as a father. You moved forward and you saw that I was struggling alone with them and you didn't care. You didn't help me do the right things and I do hate you for that because it was your job to see to it that your children had a proper up bringing. Again, you never focused on our children. Your focus was having someone for yourself. You had the girls 4 days a month and 2 of those days you spent at the bar. 

Why have I kept quiet all these years Dave? Why haven't I told people what you really did to me? The way you chiseled away at my self esteem every day. "She doesn't have the body to be a stripper" "Youre starting to lose your figure" (I weighed 135 pounds then) "You aren't wearing that, are you?" "Why can't you do the dishes right?" "You can't do anything right" "Stupid Bitch" "Nigger loving cocksucker" "You are an embarrassment to me" "You are disgusting" "You never brush your teeth" "You are so fucking lazy" "You make me sick" "You're crazy" That was your favorite one wasn't it? "You're crazy like your mother" "Your so fucking ugly, you look like a wet rat" 

Then you fucked that nasty old leather faced bitch. It wasn't just sex though was it? It was true love. I saw all the fucking cards she wrote you. She said she couldn't stand the idea of you being away camping for the weekend. Are you fucking kidding me, you piece of shit. That was about drugs though too wasn't it? And even after you told me you stopped seeing her you hadn't. When she brought you home at 6 in the morning and I was so stupid to believe that she was just dropping you off because then I was still a good sweet girl that believed in you. I really did believe in you.

I finally stopped believing in you. I was just trying to stick with it and make it work. I didn't want my kids to grow up the way I did. You told me you would never pay child support, that I would end up fucking niggers. Do you remember all that? Do you remember saying that to me while I was trying to put my daughters in the car? Trying to soothe them while you verbally attacked me. Do you remember the day I promised them I was going to leave you? I do. I always gave you a pass on beating me, I never mattered. But the day you hit me in front of them, you tried to rip me out of the house by my arm and I had to hold on for dear life. My entire titty, my arm and my chest were all bruised up for weeks. That was the day I told the girls we were going to get out of that house. I promised them.

It took me 8 months of therapy to realize I could walk away from you. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Not because I loved you. At that point I hated and feared you. I remember laying in bed and thinking that I just had to make it long enough to get strong enough to leave. And then one day I woke up and just knew. It was time to make my move. I had no friends to help me, my sister didn't help me, my family wasn't there to help me. It was me.

You try to tell people that you divorced me. True, you were the one who hired the lawyer. But I left you motherfucker and you know that's true.  When I think of all the stories I let you tell about me without ever telling the truth to anyone. And I don't know why I ever protected you. You were so evil towards me but you pulled it off with I was crazy and unstable. I was crazy and unstable because of you fuckwad. 

I am going through every single thing you did to me because you deserve to hear it. You do. Someday I will apologize to you but today is not that day. Today is the day I get my atonement. I've worked hard for this. For real. If it weren't for Chris and the girls and this place and me oh my god. It's taken all of us working hard together for me to get here. I slip sometimes and this last time was a fucking doozy but I keep it movin'. I get right back up on the horse and move forward. I have struggles with it like smoking pot vs being a pot head. I might always struggle with it but it's worth it to me I guess. Anyway yes today is your day. 

So I remember having my dress ripped off me and  walking down the alley naked. I remember being bruised up pretty bad that day too. Or the time you hid in Heathers house across the road. I saw you in there and called your mother, do you remember that? Or throwing me from the door into the bushes right over the steps? That was at greenwood court. A lot happened there. I was so happy to move from that place. I didn't realize that house was going to end up being my captor for 7 years. You thought I was sad about not getting the house but it was a relief. 

Do you remember making your kids go without heat or electricity to punish me? I gave you all of my money for weeks and weeks and you kept it all. Didn't pay any of our bills. You weren't punishing me. But the girls suffered for that. Hannah had her birthday during that shit. Do you remember her asking you if you would turn the lights back on for her birthday. You didn't though. I figured it out however. I turned it into an adventure for them. We went without but we figured it out.

Do you remember putting me in jail at 5 and a half months pregnant, you fucking pussy? How many times had you punched me in the head and the back of the neck that night? And you told the police I pulled your hair? Ill tell you right now, they didn't take me away because they believed you. They took me away because they knew you were going to keep beating me after they left. Probably not really, in truth they knew what you did but were protecting the white guy. I remember the girls over hearing the police once talking shit about how pathetic I was and how hard I was trying to make you look bad. This is after you broke every single thing you could before I left the house. You cut my coat in half, broke a lot of my artwork, broke every cd I owned, tried to rip the dvd player out off the wall and tried to break the tv. You just couldn't lift it yourself. You dumb fuck.

All the things you did to me and put us all through. The not coming home, the women, the beatings and the self esteem damage. You ignoring the girls. You doing all those fucking drugs and being drunk all the fucking time. All of it. I put it back on you now. These are your sins to bear not mine. I was angry at you for so long and I finally don't care anymore. I am erasing all the damage you did to me. I am learning to love myself more everyday. I am going to beatt you at your game. I've lived with these things in my head for so long, I don't have to do that anymore. You have long since forgotten what you've done to me because I am sure you do it to Carey too. 

You're a little man. Not privileged because your white. Not privileged because your a man. You aren't particularly cultured or bright. You are completely narcissistic and you abused me for 14 years. I am the one that left. I am the one that raised our children. Me. Two days a month is not parenting. I don't give a fuck how much money you gave me, I raised those girls by myself. And I'm so glad I did. They are smart, strong, independent women. They aren't going to put up with any shit from anyone and I'm proud of them. They love me unconditionally. That is something very few people have done for me in my life. And I finally found a man that does. Whether we're fighting or getting along he has never left my side. He fights through things with me. He helps me see the patterns I have and forces me to look at them and correct them. He doesn't beat me down into nothing. He lifts me up and encourages me to be a better person. That was something you never wanted me to do. You wanted me to hate myself so much. You didn't want me dead but you wanted me underneath you always. You wouldn't let me succeed at anything because you were too scared I was going to leave. HA! That's the truth. Now you can live with that for the rest of your life. As for me? I'm ready to leave you and all that you did to me behind. I won't carry that shit with me anymore. I do have doubt. I have lived with this anger and hatred for so long, who am I without it? Will I still be strong? Hell yes I will. I am not strong because of what you put me through. I am strong because I learned how to be strong. I did it. Me myself was strong enough to make it through all of that and I do feel proud of what I accomplished. I've been through some shit, that's true but I really am ready to put you where you belong and stop taking responsibility for your choices. I'm going to start taking responsibility for my own. That's a really good feeling too. So Fuck you Dave. I'm so glad to be rid of you.

If you believe you recieve

So I came upon a huge Discovery today huge because this will change my whole life I think but I can't forget about it so I realized that if you choose to believe something and it's a choice if you choose to believe something that's the way you'll see it no matter what the situation is I never f****** realized that before I have to believe in myself I have to believe in myself and then what I want cuz I often will say what I think other people want to hear you know because I don't want to tell him what I really think because what I really think is that and I don't trust that you know so I don't trust myself at all but if I choose to start thinking good thoughts about myself I might believe that too which would change the way I see things and I feel like this is a game changer for me because I just never realized it before and I'm sure I sound like a f****** crazy person man crazy like losing my mind crazy but I don't know I'll read it later and see I don't know f*** f*** f*** so what I was saying was oh my God I can't believe I have to go I'm going to start with this one those were very good thoughts so oh my God even the little things I'm so high but if you believe in them you will receive you know it's taking me all this time to get here how did it take me all this time to get here so I have to be honest for one thing cuz I can't believe in myself if I'm lying to people because I know there are certain people like you who can tell when I'm lying but you have to be honest because if you're not honest you know that you're not being honest and the other person will know you're not being honest you know but you can't change what's in their control this sounds crazy because I have taught this for 20 f****** years and not only in my professional life but with the people I love and I've been learning this with them

Is it over?

I feel so far away from you. I'm so sorry for not accepting your love. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I don't want to fight with you. I need you in my life. I don't know why I get so scared or why I become obsessed with finding you on the chatline. I'm trying to change, I really am. I just feel like it's too late. It's been almost 3 fucking weeks that this has been going on. I don't remember a fight like this ever lasting this long before and that's what scares me. I can't let go of this nagging feeling that you are really done with me this time. It just sits in the pit of my stomach all the time. I just can't seem to shake it. I did yesterday because I thought maybe things were looking up for us. I felt so good and had so much energy, it was wonderful. Last night you said that tonight you would talk to me, you said you would talk shit to me. 

Please don't be mean to me. Please be nice to me. I just want to be able to connect with you. Not having that connection I feel like I'm running out of air. I really do. It's so hard to breath sometimes. I would do just about anything to fix this. It's so hard when you pull away. But maybe I understand why you might pull away from me. Maybe I understand why you don't want to be with me anymore but I don't want to accept it. I can't. I don't want to be without you. It just seems like you are drifting further and further away. You are just so angry at me. It doesn't help that I am being so reactionary. You say piff then I say puff and it just goes in a really bad direction so fast. I don't want to fight with you anymore.

Please forgive me. Am I out of chances? Did I finally push too hard? I made a list of things I can do instead of call the chatline so I'm less tempted to do it. I can suck my thumb, I can spend time with my kids, I can watch a good movie or play a game, I can do paperwork. I just hate this so fucking much and I worry about it all day every day. And then at night you tell me how much you hate me or you refuse to speak to me. What am I supposed to do with that? You just don't have any time for me anymore. I'm so fucking scared that one day you just aren't going to call me at all. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be alone baby. That's all, I just don't want to be without you. But then when we are together you are just so ugly to me. This is just sucking the life right out of me. For real. 

Oh my god I'm so fucking sick of myself. I am fucking pathetic. I would do anything for you, I really would. Just tell me what you want from me. Just please don't throw me away. You are one of the only things that means anything to me anymore. I'm trying to change that though, I really am. I'm sure you're just sick of hearing that though. It just hurts and I don't know how to make it stop hurting. I don't know how to get rid of this pain without you. 

I'm sorry that I've screamed and cried and threatened to kill myself. I don't do that shit on purpose. It is what I feel in the moment and it just takes over my whole body and I don't want it to anymore. I started therapy and set some goals. Set boundaries for myself so I stop doing stupid shit, work on my impulse control and there was something else but I forgot what. 

Of fuck it, I don't probably deserve it anyway. It's a fucking horrible state to be in, to miss you like this. I don't want to face it. I just want you to forgive me, please forgive me.