Dear Dave

 As I peel back the layers of abuse I have gone through I see more clearly all the time how I was not to blame for the things you did to me. Those things were your choice and you weren't trying to help me or support me. You never wanted me to do well or be successful because you were afraid of losing me. And that is the goddamn truth. You never deserved me. You never did right by me. You put on a show for other people because that is all that ever mattered to you. My feelings or how the world approached me wasn't important. Keeping me, that's what you cared about.

You cheated on me so many times with so many people. Terry Krass and how many times did you do that? Way more than I'll ever know. How many times did you do drugs with her and then fuck all night while I was at home with your children? The night I went into labor with Hannah you were at her house fucking her. And her sister??? Yuck. I know you fucked her too. You guys were smoking crack together. She told me that. 

I didn't cheat on you. Only one time, once. And I did it just to get back at you for all the times you did it to me. What did it get me? Did I get the vengence I so deserved? No I didn't. Fucking Jason was one of the worst mistakes of my life becuase you almost killed me for it. Do you remember climbing up on top of me when I was covered in bruises and blood? When both my eyes were swollen shut and my lips were swollen? Do you remember laying on top of me when my entire body was shaking uncontrollably because I was in shock? But you were seeing red, right? You couldn't control that, right? Do you remember telling me that you had a dream where I had sex with him and you cut my head off? I know you do. 

My children suffered for it too. That crazy bitch Heather broke into our house. I always had to accept full responsibility for that. And I did. I took total responsibility for it and felt guilty for all these years. I'm not taking responsibility for that anymore. That bitch was crazy and you got us involved in that crazy. You stayed steady with that group of fucking worthless pieces of shit. Always dragging us back into that life. 

We had babies that needed us to be there for them. Our children needed to be taught values and morals and life skills. You were so focused on who you could fuck that we never moved past that phase of our relationship. You never stepped up and acted as a father. You moved forward and you saw that I was struggling alone with them and you didn't care. You didn't help me do the right things and I do hate you for that because it was your job to see to it that your children had a proper up bringing. Again, you never focused on our children. Your focus was having someone for yourself. You had the girls 4 days a month and 2 of those days you spent at the bar. 

Why have I kept quiet all these years Dave? Why haven't I told people what you really did to me? The way you chiseled away at my self esteem every day. "She doesn't have the body to be a stripper" "Youre starting to lose your figure" (I weighed 135 pounds then) "You aren't wearing that, are you?" "Why can't you do the dishes right?" "You can't do anything right" "Stupid Bitch" "Nigger loving cocksucker" "You are an embarrassment to me" "You are disgusting" "You never brush your teeth" "You are so fucking lazy" "You make me sick" "You're crazy" That was your favorite one wasn't it? "You're crazy like your mother" "Your so fucking ugly, you look like a wet rat" 

Then you fucked that nasty old leather faced bitch. It wasn't just sex though was it? It was true love. I saw all the fucking cards she wrote you. She said she couldn't stand the idea of you being away camping for the weekend. Are you fucking kidding me, you piece of shit. That was about drugs though too wasn't it? And even after you told me you stopped seeing her you hadn't. When she brought you home at 6 in the morning and I was so stupid to believe that she was just dropping you off because then I was still a good sweet girl that believed in you. I really did believe in you.

I finally stopped believing in you. I was just trying to stick with it and make it work. I didn't want my kids to grow up the way I did. You told me you would never pay child support, that I would end up fucking niggers. Do you remember all that? Do you remember saying that to me while I was trying to put my daughters in the car? Trying to soothe them while you verbally attacked me. Do you remember the day I promised them I was going to leave you? I do. I always gave you a pass on beating me, I never mattered. But the day you hit me in front of them, you tried to rip me out of the house by my arm and I had to hold on for dear life. My entire titty, my arm and my chest were all bruised up for weeks. That was the day I told the girls we were going to get out of that house. I promised them.

It took me 8 months of therapy to realize I could walk away from you. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Not because I loved you. At that point I hated and feared you. I remember laying in bed and thinking that I just had to make it long enough to get strong enough to leave. And then one day I woke up and just knew. It was time to make my move. I had no friends to help me, my sister didn't help me, my family wasn't there to help me. It was me.

You try to tell people that you divorced me. True, you were the one who hired the lawyer. But I left you motherfucker and you know that's true.  When I think of all the stories I let you tell about me without ever telling the truth to anyone. And I don't know why I ever protected you. You were so evil towards me but you pulled it off with I was crazy and unstable. I was crazy and unstable because of you fuckwad. 

I am going through every single thing you did to me because you deserve to hear it. You do. Someday I will apologize to you but today is not that day. Today is the day I get my atonement. I've worked hard for this. For real. If it weren't for Chris and the girls and this place and me oh my god. It's taken all of us working hard together for me to get here. I slip sometimes and this last time was a fucking doozy but I keep it movin'. I get right back up on the horse and move forward. I have struggles with it like smoking pot vs being a pot head. I might always struggle with it but it's worth it to me I guess. Anyway yes today is your day. 

So I remember having my dress ripped off me and  walking down the alley naked. I remember being bruised up pretty bad that day too. Or the time you hid in Heathers house across the road. I saw you in there and called your mother, do you remember that? Or throwing me from the door into the bushes right over the steps? That was at greenwood court. A lot happened there. I was so happy to move from that place. I didn't realize that house was going to end up being my captor for 7 years. You thought I was sad about not getting the house but it was a relief. 

Do you remember making your kids go without heat or electricity to punish me? I gave you all of my money for weeks and weeks and you kept it all. Didn't pay any of our bills. You weren't punishing me. But the girls suffered for that. Hannah had her birthday during that shit. Do you remember her asking you if you would turn the lights back on for her birthday. You didn't though. I figured it out however. I turned it into an adventure for them. We went without but we figured it out.

Do you remember putting me in jail at 5 and a half months pregnant, you fucking pussy? How many times had you punched me in the head and the back of the neck that night? And you told the police I pulled your hair? Ill tell you right now, they didn't take me away because they believed you. They took me away because they knew you were going to keep beating me after they left. Probably not really, in truth they knew what you did but were protecting the white guy. I remember the girls over hearing the police once talking shit about how pathetic I was and how hard I was trying to make you look bad. This is after you broke every single thing you could before I left the house. You cut my coat in half, broke a lot of my artwork, broke every cd I owned, tried to rip the dvd player out off the wall and tried to break the tv. You just couldn't lift it yourself. You dumb fuck.

All the things you did to me and put us all through. The not coming home, the women, the beatings and the self esteem damage. You ignoring the girls. You doing all those fucking drugs and being drunk all the fucking time. All of it. I put it back on you now. These are your sins to bear not mine. I was angry at you for so long and I finally don't care anymore. I am erasing all the damage you did to me. I am learning to love myself more everyday. I am going to beatt you at your game. I've lived with these things in my head for so long, I don't have to do that anymore. You have long since forgotten what you've done to me because I am sure you do it to Carey too. 

You're a little man. Not privileged because your white. Not privileged because your a man. You aren't particularly cultured or bright. You are completely narcissistic and you abused me for 14 years. I am the one that left. I am the one that raised our children. Me. Two days a month is not parenting. I don't give a fuck how much money you gave me, I raised those girls by myself. And I'm so glad I did. They are smart, strong, independent women. They aren't going to put up with any shit from anyone and I'm proud of them. They love me unconditionally. That is something very few people have done for me in my life. And I finally found a man that does. Whether we're fighting or getting along he has never left my side. He fights through things with me. He helps me see the patterns I have and forces me to look at them and correct them. He doesn't beat me down into nothing. He lifts me up and encourages me to be a better person. That was something you never wanted me to do. You wanted me to hate myself so much. You didn't want me dead but you wanted me underneath you always. You wouldn't let me succeed at anything because you were too scared I was going to leave. HA! That's the truth. Now you can live with that for the rest of your life. As for me? I'm ready to leave you and all that you did to me behind. I won't carry that shit with me anymore. I do have doubt. I have lived with this anger and hatred for so long, who am I without it? Will I still be strong? Hell yes I will. I am not strong because of what you put me through. I am strong because I learned how to be strong. I did it. Me myself was strong enough to make it through all of that and I do feel proud of what I accomplished. I've been through some shit, that's true but I really am ready to put you where you belong and stop taking responsibility for your choices. I'm going to start taking responsibility for my own. That's a really good feeling too. So Fuck you Dave. I'm so glad to be rid of you.