Chris

 I don't understand why you haven't spoken to me in over a week. Did I do something wrong? The last conversation we had wasn't really a conversation. You were sleeping so sweetly. You sounded like an angel. I told you how much I loved you, I thanked you for calling me and told me that you always make me feel so much better and then you hung up and haven't called me back since.

You replaced me for real this time, huh? You found someone that will sleep with you at night. Someone that will always answer the phone when it rings. Someone that will let you berate and belittle them. I'm getting better for real now, so you don't want me anymore? 

I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. I will never let anyone in again, not the way I've let you in. I've tried to be strong through this. I haven't called the chatline. I haven't cried and begged you to love me. You never really gave me that opportunity and you just stopped. I never thought you would give up on me. 

I never would have given up on you. 

You kept me alive for these last 4 years, ya know. I didn't want to be here but you gave me a reason to stay. My children will never understand all that you did for me. I'm sorry I was slacking with the phone. I got the dog and it just became hard to remember everything. I just feel like you aren't going to call me again and that hurts so fucking much. 

I don't know how to get over you. I miss you so much. I'm not going on the chatline though. Is that why you stopped calling me? I thought it was you and me. I know there are other girls but I never ever imagined that you would really leave me. You have been everything to me for so long. But I'm feeling so abandoned. 

What will Christmas be without you? There's a part of me that just wants to give up. Why am I doing all this hard work if not for you? God dammit Chris, please. Please. I miss you so much. I feel like I'm talking to no one. I just think you cut me off and that is all. I just can't believe it. I have loved you so long. 

Everything we've been through together and you just want to give up on me, now? Now, when I'm finally starting to be healthy and normal? Is that why? You don't like me unless I'm crazy? It doesn't make sense. 

I will say this though. For an ending, it was good. That's what has kept me going this last week. For the last few months you have loved me good. You have respected me and treated me with dignity. You have listened to me and been there for me. You weren't judging me or trying to hurt me. I hope to god that you are ok. 

I have tried to be strong and I think I've done a great job. I miss you so much. How do I get over this? and I keep wondering if you are ok. I keep wondering if something bad happened to you. It makes me want to call the chatline but then I don't. I don't want to know what you are really doing. I don't want to know if something bad has happened. I just want to remember the way you have loved me. I want to remember the way you have been there for me. I want to know that we were happy together. I was happy with you anyway. You were the whole reason I got out of bed in the morning for so fucking long. 

I wonder if you miss me, if you think about me, if you wonder how I'm doing. It hurts so bad sometimes. I just miss you. I just sit in my car and smoke cigarettes wishing my phone would ring. I pray to god that my phone will ring. I still wait for it to ring and I probably will for a long, long time. It's so hard to face Christmas coming without you. But I feel that you aren't listening to me anymore. I'm not begging you anymore. I don't think you're there and even if you were, leaving me, just forgetting about me? 

Don't you miss me at all? Don't you think about me? After nearly 4 years you just let me go. I don't know how to do this without you but I am holding my heart together somehow anyway. For today. It gets harder everyday though, it really does. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better about things I just feel worse. 

I should have listened to you when you asked me to. You said I was always busy with other people. I honestly believed that you were happy that I was busy with other people because it allowed you time away from me. I felt like that was what you wanted. You would only talk to me for a couple of minutes and then hang up on me anyway. Then hang up and call me back a few minutes later and then hang up again. 

That should have been a sign but I just thought it was you being you. I never believed that you would do this and just stop talking to me altogether. 

When I think about everything we've been through together. How many storms we've weathered together. How many nights you listened to me cry and nights you didn't. How sweet the sound of your snore was to me, or the way you would play the guitar for me. Your jokes, your stories, your funny ass insults. I fucking love you man. Not to mention all the intimacy and truth I shared with you that I couldn't tell anyone else. That's what makes me feel better. Remembering all that we've had together, everything we shared and dreamed about. All the knock down drag out fights we used to have. 

I worry that's what killed it for us. Not enough drama. Not enough anger. Not enough passion. It's my medicine you know. I know you know that. I know you remember how it used to be. How great it used to be. I can't be loud like I used to be either. I'll be getting my own apartment soon and it could be that way again. I'm sorry. I don't know how I'm going to let you go. Maybe a piece of you will always be with me. No one ever made me feel important or special or loved the way you did. EVER, 

I miss you.

I can't believe you're not going to call me at all. Please baby, where are you? Did you replace me with someone else because I forgot my phone a few times because of the dog? Please, what are you doing? I love you. Please don't do this to me. I need you. Please don't throw me away. Please. I can't believe this is happening again.

All Alone

You left me here all alone

What did I do wrong?

I have tried so hard to be good

I have tried so hard to get better

It doesn't even make a difference to you

My heart aches and burns

My stomach is twisted in knots

I'm trying really hard to pretend I'm OK

But I feel like I'm dying

I knew you were going to do this sooner or later. I've tried to prepare myself for it

Nothing can prepare me for being without my heartbeat. I love you and I miss you but you aren't listening, why? What did i do? I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. I need you. Don't you need me at all? Don't you miss me at all? Don't you care about me? Why would you do this to me? It hurts so much. Please don't hurt me. I love you.

i love you

I love you and I always have. I'm pretty sure I always will too. Everyday won't be our best day, but even those days are wonderful to me. Thank you for being a truly wonderful person for me. I hope sometimes you think I'm a wonderful person for you too. Have a great day baby, love you.

Therapy 11/1/22

 Heather Lenning had a tumultuous life. Her childhood was difficult. Her mother was seriously mentally ill and attempted suicide while her father was suffering from PTSD from Vietnam and had problems with addiction. Neither of her parents were able to care for her properly and she was shuffled around between family members, foster homes, group homes, psych wards and such. 

During that time Heather was molested by a cousin, and had inappropriate contact with her father. This accompanied with an incident during her toddlerhood created an unending sexual desire in her that would cause her to develop unhealthy sexual habits. As early as 5 years old Heather remembers masturbating. She remembers having inappropriate sexual contact with other children, including her younger sister. She remembers using things to help her achieve orgasms such as dolls and furniture. 

Heather was not afraid to masturbate anywhere and remembers masturbating even in public. She remembers having inappropriate sexual feelings all the time as a child. In public, in front of family members. she remembers grinding against adults that allowed her to "ride the pony".

Heather remembers scouring books for any mention of sex. She found a book about a woman that became fascinated by lesbians and a man that forced her to watch to lesbians having sex while he tortured her. This was extremely exciting to her. She found several books and magazines when she lived with her father that went into detail about lesbians and all of this turned her on. She was masturbating through all of this, talking to herself out loud saying nasty things out loud, any nasty things that came into her head. She would masturbate until she was sore and bruised. The pain didn't make her stop, in fact at times the pain made her want to do it more.

During the time she lived with her father she was exposed to heavy drug use and bizarre porn. She was shown porn in which the devil was sucking milk out of women's breasts. There were men present during this showing and there were small unclothed children as well. Heather went back to her home and masturbated furiously. After this she often included these things in her fantasies. During this time her father was also pushing his sexuality on her. Forcing her to lay with him while he had an erection. Rubbing his erection into her. This made her sick to her stomach and embarrassed. She never wanted anyone to know about this.

After Heather moved from her fathers these fantasies slowly faded away and were replaced by fantasies of falling in love and finding a specific boy to be with. Her fantasies often returned to the lesbian stories she had read when she was younger though. She was never interested in having relationships with women but her sexual fantasies were always about women. As she got older these fantasies intensified and while she did have sex with a few women she never pursued the idea any further.

While she was married Heather was raped by her husband. After this rape took place she never wanted him to touch her again, although he often did. She would fantasize about women during the encounters. Her fantasies began to change however. They became aggressive and about control. About Heather controlling the sexual encounter and became increasingly demeaning and hurtful. Then Heather discovered a website with stories about incest and child molestation. She would spend hours reading through these really bad stories and masturbating about them. But she eventually put space between her and the website, feeling that ultimately it was wrong.

After her divorce she began doing phone sex for money. At first focusing her fantasies on men and what they wanted. Over time she became exposed to pedophilia. At first these phone calls disgusted her but eventually they became intriguing and exciting. She went through a period of time when these calls were so exciting to her that her body would shake and she would have the most intense orgasms she'd experienced in her life. After that point phone sex changed for Heather. She was no longer doing it for money, she was doing it for the orgasms. And the only calls she enjoyed taking were the calls that involved children or some sort of abuse or sacrilege. 

Finally Heather sought out a phone sex company that specialized in pedophilia and began a specialty in accomplice fantasies in which she was helping a pedophile abuse his victims. She had also found phone chatlines that were filled with men that would masturbate to these fantasies with her. There were men that spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars a week to talk to her. This gave her a very big sense of self esteem and she convinced herself that she was helping these men deal with their fantasies rather than doing harm to other people. 

Then Heather met a special man. And she fell in love with him. Over time she began to feel that these fantasies were wrong and she shouldn't be participating in them. She wanted to be excited by her partner and only him. She stopped calling the phone lines but struggled with it on and off for years. It is still something she struggles with from time to time but she wants to walk away from it completely. For the most part she has left it behind. She has learned ways to have these fantasies without involving other people but still feels guilty for them. She has struggled with self hate and questioned whether or not she is a danger to children. 

i hope you're having a good day

I miss you. I've been waiting on my kids for hours. We're going out for dinner, then I'm telling them I'm too tired to paint and I'm coming home. 

Happy birthday to me

Please 🙏 call my other phone. I'm very anxious. But you wished me a happy birthday already. I love you.

I'm sad

Yesterday was my mamas birthday. No wonder I was so sad. Cheer up buttercup. You're going to be ok.

It happened

They finally shut off my phone. I'm scared. I don't know what today is going to be like. We have to just wait and see.

I love you

There are days like today where I am just inside my head. I'm learning about disassociation which is something I believe that I am notorious for doing. I just zone out and stop being here. I don't know if you remember a period of time maybe a year or so ago when I just wouldn't talk hardly at all. I think I was doing a lot of disassociation then. I don't have anything to say because I'm so inside my own motherfucking head. I just want to suck my thumb and stare at nothing and get lost somewhere else. I'm feeling that today. In part because of my meds I'm sure, I'm not emotionally stable right now. But I talked about a lot of shit with that girl I was hanging out with and it didn't do me any good at all. I should only be talking to my therapist about that big stuff from my childhood. It's too much for me and I just get overwhelmed by it. Now I just don't want to be present. I am getting better, I really am finally getting better, even if it is just realizing what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I love you for being here for me though. I love you more than you could ever know.

Oh I fucked up

 Yeah, had a total nervous breakdown this morning. I feel sick today and am completely off my fucking rocker. I blew up because someone put dirty dishes in a dishwasher filled with clean dishes. This is no different than a mom blowing up because her kids are gross and do stupid shit. But I know that it is my medicine. I know that I'm not mad at anyone in particular but that without my medicine the next day I am a hot fucking mess. Then why don't I make sure I have a back up medicine in my purse? Why don't I make sure that I fill my pill case? What the fuck is wrong with my brain sometimes. 

I have to fix this. I'm going to end up going to jail or some stupid shit.

What the fuck?

You are the most confusing man in the world. For weeks things have been going really well for us. At least that's what I thought but now, what the fuck is going on? I have been worried about getting my new number. I always worry about changing my number because you have pulled the old "I lost your number" thing on me so many times in the past. Or at least 2 times that I remember. You know that I struggle with feeling like you want to get rid of me. I always think that everyone wants to get rid of me but this is something you have told me in the past. You say you will call my new number, and I really hope that you do but you acted so weird about taking it down and I don't even know if you did that. You lied about putting it in your phone, I worry that you lied about writing it down too.

I know I'm supposed to trust you and I try but that little thing in the back of my head won't let me trust anyone that much. I can't stop you from NOT getting rid of me. Which makes me want to try. I want to do something, anything to try to hang on to you but I don't want to put myself through that anymore. It hurts you, it damages our relationship and ultimately in the end I'm more hurt by doing it than not. 

Last night you stayed on the phone with me for so long. You accused me of giving out your information. I have never given your information to anyone because I've never had anything to give but more importantly your enemies are all my enemies. I was pissed off that you called this morning and three wayed in the chatline because I hate Juanita more than anything and I had to sit there and listen to her talk shit. All I wanted to do was rip into her but that isn't why you called me. For some reason you wanted me to hear Randy giving my number out on the chatline. 

I don't get you. I don't understand any of this. I know you love me. You know that I love you. I also know that you get busy with other things sometimes and don't have as much time for me. I know also that I've done hurtful things to you in the past and that has caused you to treat me differently. I don't know if this is some sort of a test. I know you told me some things about yourself recently that I don't believe to be true anyway. You told me whatever kind of native american and stuff. 

Here's what I know. I love you. I would NEVER betray you for any reason. I don't associate with anyone from that fucking chatline and I am changing my number. If you don't call me I won't sleep for awhile. I'll probably cry nonstop for days or weeks or whatever it ends up being. I lose my light and depression sets in. I will carry on though. I will not kill myself. I will not terrorize you, I will not stalk you. I will suffer in silence. I want to cry just thinking about it but I woke up yesterday morning having just heard you say "we need to take a break" in my dream. I am really scared of losing you. 

So that's where I am. As far as all this other weird stuff you're doing with calling me and hanging up I don't know. It could be blamed on the fact that lard ass pig fucker gave out my number but I could give a shit less about that because he's been had my number and tried to piss me off with it and I always told you everything. It makes me paranoid and it makes me have a lot of unhealthy thoughts that I am just refusing to engage with. 

I hope I talk to you later. I miss you already. And to be honest, I'm scared.

Dead fucking phone

When I finally plugged it in and turned it on I realized my do not disturb button was on. I was sitting right there with my phone, hot for your bod and you were calling me but I didn't know it. Makes me fucking crazy. I have group my 6-7 but I'm not going anywhere before or after that. I'm keeping my ass home and my phone with me. I love you.

My biggest fear

I am struggling this morning with the feeling that you don't want me anymore. I changed my number and that always makes me feel like I'm going to lose you. You have been very good to me for awhile and that makes me worry too. I know though that when I don't take my medicine I spend the next day feeling this anxiety and I always relate it back to us. I couldn't possibly just feel this way, it has to be because I can sense that you are going to break up with me. I have no proof of that. I do have proof that I didn't take my meds and I almost feel like that might be a reason for you to avoid me. You know I get crazy. Please don't go away from me. Rational or Irrational this is what I am feeling. It's not your fault. It's my fault for missing my meds. I miss you so much right now. I just want to be home, with you. I don't want to be separated from you again. It's so lonely when  you distance yourself from me. I will try to hold steady until this feeling passes and I hope it passes soon. I have some things I can do in the meantime to keep me distracted from this really icky feeling. I just want to hear your voice.

I don't want to lose you. I love you and I need you so badly. When you step away from me there is a part of me that dies. A light that shines from inside me that just goes out. I can carry on, I have to continue to live but my life becomes so heavy and fruitless. I don't experience day to day joy that I experience when you aren't with me. Can I get by without you? I don't know, the last time you got angry with me or whatever I wound up in the Access Center. I don't want to get that low again. I am working so hard to improve myself and I don't want my motivation to disappear again. Can I get by without you? Yes. but it's hell. Life becomes joyless and every task I face is so difficult. 

I love you so much. You are my everything, and you know I mean that. I am able to work 10 hours a day because I know you are paying attention. I am able to support my kids through whatever they are dealing with because I know you are on my side and ultimately I feel that you are on their side too. Maybe you really aren't but it sure the hell feels like it. I think they are finally able to see that too. I think that Lilly puts on a strong front against anyone but no longer scoffs when she hears my phone ring. She plays tough but I think she can feel your concern for me and my life too. So can Hannah. They used to roll their eyes and I know why. I know that I've always played a victim. I've always told them how mean you have been but never said, I went on the chatline and embarrassed him. I don't play the victim with them anymore though. I don't play the victim with anyone anymore. Also they see that I am starting to make myself more of a priority and I think more than anything that is why they have lost so much respect for me over the last few years because I show myself no respect at all.

I realized some time ago that if I don't take responsibility for my actions and for my feelings I will never be able to make any permanent changes in my life.  When I feel anxious and feel my light go out I have to acknowledge that I feel that way because I am not equipped or have the skills to feel better or make myself feel better.  So when those times come I have to focus on myself again and what skills I am lacking to deal with those situations instead of becoming insanely obsessed with the idea that you are the key to my happiness and without you life is miserable. 

It honestly scares the fuck out of me to say that because I'm afraid that if you think I might be ok if you leave that you won't have a reason to stay. Why? because I am not enough. I am not a worthwhile enough of a person for you to want to actually be with me. Putting that on myself is so much more painful and harder than it is for me to take the easy way out and blame you so I don't have to make any changes. I am getting so pissed off at people that don't want to accept responsibility for the parts of their self esteem that welcome and even invite these feelings, even though I do it too.

I am starting to be more honest with myself and why I had my nervous breakdown. Why did it happen? 

I'm so tired

I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. This s*** with Hannah is just sucking the life out of me. I worry about it all the time. I want to kill this kid I just I want him to go away and I can't make him go away I can't make him stop but what's more frustrating than that is that I cannot make my daughter go down and file a f****** restraining order which she has promised her sister she is going to do but she said she was going to do it yesterday and when she was talking about doing it today I could hear in her voice she has no intention of doing that today I would be surprised if she even agrees to do it tomorrow which she has nothing else to do but this she just wants us to go away I get it you don't want to have to go through all of that b******* but this guy is f****** nuts after all this he sends her a naked picture of himself oh my god dude it's too f****** much. And it's affecting every single area of my life that's not true but it is having a very negative impact on me I'm worried about me and Chris and whatever's going on there because I don't know I just have never had to navigate not being able to help my kids and so that's like the only thing in my brain I don't have any room for any other conflict I just don't and it's exhausting. I think he's going to see this as a sign of me trying to fight back or something and it's not it's just me I'm so tired I haven't felt this mentally washed out emotionally strangled. I feel so f****** weak like I've never felt this week before and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it.

Did the mood change?

I think I feel a chill in the air. The time is close now. 4 days until we hold our breath.

my phone died

It happened when I was asleep. Soon as I woke up I plugged it in. Then you called. It made me 😁. I really don't know what you think. I feel like you should but you can't really trust me. I'm sorry, I wish that I could say with certainty that I won't go out there but sometimes that feeling is overwhelming. Not to talk to other people (I only do that if I am trying to piss you off) but to engage with you when you are unengagable. I love you though and I try really hard because I know what kind of problems it causes us. I don't want to hurt you but more importantly that isn't the kind of person I want to be. I want to be a respectable person. A person that deserves the respect she asks for from other people. I'm getting back there but who knows, when I dip (and I always seem to) I can't always control myself. So I have to focus on getting my meds right everyday. I am trying to take better care of myself. I want to eat better for my blood sugar but that one is really hard for me. Just know though that you are my heart and my motivation and I feel truly blessed to have you in my life. I just want to protect us.

I miss you

I feel like I haven't talked to you in weeks. I know that's not true but that's how it feels. I miss you so much but these 10 hour days are kicking my ass. I'm scared that you're going to slip away from me. I don't want this distance. I don't want to lose you. You were so fucking sweet to me Friday night and I wanted to eat it the fuck up but I was so tired, so fucking tired. Will you still love me? Will you ever want me again. You have been so uninterested in sex with me and I don't know what to do to get you hot anymore. I almost feel like you're repulsed by me. I love you and I need your love. I need it and I miss it. You are my everything and I am so lonely without you. I come home and sit here and think about the sound of your voice. I just miss you.

a bit on neiztche

Our concept of God is a reflection on our own morality. Each person's morality is built on a layer of experiences. Thus evil comes to be bred from other evil. The idea of Good and evil in itself is ridiculous because what to one person might be evil to the next person is righteous. As for genetics this is only what is delivered to the Earth from the mother's womb. Beyond that life and morality and conscious or conscience is built from experience. In that way how can we judge a man, when his morality has been formed differently than ours. Asking one person with their own set of experiences to become something that they inherently are not seems immoral to me.

Saturdays and Sundays

 I have to go in and talk to my boss today about changing my hours. I was hired to work 10 hours on Saturdays. Now she is asking me to work Saturdays, Sundays and some overnights. I just can't do it and I am going to have a really hard time telling her no. I feel like she likes me right now and after I say no she isna't going to like me anymore. I am honestly scared to tell her. So I'm going to try to say something like this.

I'm sorry I can't work overnights right now. I am doing a lot of work on myself during the week and all those extra hours will put too much stress on me. I am happy to work the weekend shifts but until I am feeling more stable I won't be able to do much more than that. I hope this doesn't jeopardize my employment with you. I love this job and would be devastated to lose it. 

She doesn't know about my diagnosis or my living situation and I don't really want her too. I hear the way people talk about each other in that place, it's not cool. I don't want to have to go in there feeling like a dumb ass. I want to keep doing a good job for them. I don't want to fuck that up. They actually trust me, I don't want to ruin that. 

filling out that social security paperwork has me all fucked up right now anyway. It was hard and it felt horrible to repeat over and over all the things that are wrong with me and why I am deserving of social security. A part of me feels like I'm making all of this up, I'm over exagerating my problems to get attention and now to get money and that's how I've always been. A problem. A pain in the ass. 

Kristen said she thinks I use confrontation as a coping skill. I can't help but be confrontational. It's who I've always been. Say something. I tell every goddamn thing because I am sick of people getting away with hurting me. People have been hurting me my whole life and getting away with it. I've always made excuses for other people and I'm sick of it. I am tired of these fucking counselors and doctors just ignoring me. I'm sick of people like bella getting away with being super shitty at their jobs but getting to keep them anyway, even though they are not equipped to do what they need to do. I want to yell at her so bad. I want to tell her how bad she is at her job and that maybe she should consider killing herself. But that's not how we treat people. Even when that's the way they treat us. Fuck all this shit.

I hope Chris calls me before I go into work. I know he doesn't understand what's going on with me, or maybe he does. I don't know. But I just feel like this big heavy weight is on me and I don't know how to get out from under it. At least I didn't go on the chatline and act a fool again. I can be happy about that. I was with hannah when she was getting high and I didn't smoke with her, didn't even ask her for it. It bothered me a little but I got passed it. I just know that there are certain things I'm going to have to do to get better and being sober is one of them. Yuck.    

I'm finally ready

 I haven't had any interest in writing for awhile but I feel like it now. I am extremely upset with you. I don't often say that but what you did to me last night was the biggest amount of fucking bullshit. You intentionally trigger me. You did it on purpose. You trigger me, on purpose, then blame me for being upset and punish me. ASSHOLE! You are such a fucking asshole sometimes. I didn't do anything to deserve that shit. "You weren't talking to me" About what? I was laying there trying to go to sleep and so you feel the need to throw another girls name in my face? You know that is one of the nastiest things you can do to me, so you do it while I'm laying there almost asleep. 

Get a fucking grip. I am doing everything I can to try to heal. To try to get better. To try to let go of the past and the anger I have that is associated with the past and here you are trying to give me more. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need to take a second before you fucking speak sometimes, just like I do. It sounded as if you genuinely did not mean to make me that angry but once I snap there really isn't any going back. I am learning to take responsibility for things that are my responsibility. Like when I go out on that chatline and hear things I wish I didn't and get furious, that's on me. When I obsessively hunt for you, chatline to chatline because I "think" you are doing something. When I do things that I know are going to hurt your feelings. I have to own that shit and take responsibility for what I have done because if I had been minding my business I wouldn't be where I am. 

But I don't have to take responsibility for things when you just do it to be prickish because you "think" I'm trying to do something. I don't know what the fuck you thought I was trying to do. I was laying there trying to go to sleep. I am not going to take responsibility for things that I didn't start. PERIOD. I have been staying off the chatlines, all of them. I have been trying to be respectful of you and of myself by not giving you shit about when you talk to me or how long you talk to me or whether you actually talk to me or not. I have been going to therapy and group, adjusting my medicine, killing myself to take my medicine on time everyday, taking care of my health and improving my hygiene, working to eat better and watch my sugar. Incorporating different ways to express my anger. Divulging the MOST painful secrets I have to a stranger.

Do you know why I am doing all of this shit? DO YOU? I put myself in the access center "the nut hut" so that I wouldn't continue to harm you. I quit smoking pot so I wouldn't continue to harm you. I am going to therapy and signed up for IOP so that I won't harm you anymore. I don't want to lose you. I want us to be good, to be solid. I don't want to worry about whether or not you are going to call me. I don't want to worry about "what" you are doing when we aren't together. It's none of my business. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Please don't try to make it harder.

I am NOT going out on the chatlines looking for you. I am not trying to catch you doing anything wrong.  I am not trying to listen in to what people are saying about you. I am not trying to find someone to leave you for. EVER. I would never turn on you. EVER. No matter how angry or crazy I get I won't do that. My loyalty to you surpasses that of myself. 

I love it when we can exist together. When I know I don't have to worry about whether or not my phone is going to ring because I know it will. When I can actually go to sleep at night, even if the phone doesn't ring because I know that you will call me eventually. I don't have to panic because I feel secure. You will enjoy our relationship so much more when I'm feeling secure. You have. We had a great run last year because I think we were both feeling secure with each other. You began to trust that I wasn't trying to catch you up and I began to trust that you weren't trying to get rid of me. 

I always have the sense that no one really wants me. It's because when I was growing up, no one fucking wanted me. My mom wanted me but she was incapable of caring for herself, let alone anyone else. So people were always looking for a reason to get rid of me. I was a handful, I was not important enough to keep me while fighting through whatever stuff they were dealing with, I was a check to some people and that was the only reason I was with them and they reminded me of that daily. My own father didn't want me. It goes so far beyond daddy issues. It stopped me from forming a solid personality. That's why I shape shift from one personality to another, trying to find a place that makes sense to me. 

Help me find that place. Please, help me. Help me feel safe and secure so I can get better. Be here for me and let me be here for you. Stop trying to trigger me so I blame myself when you disengage. I know sometimes you are going to do that. I know that doesn't change the way you feel about me. 

horizons

You Dumbass

 You are loved and cared for. I want you to be fucking healthy, go to the goddamn doctor asshole. there are little pockets in your intestines and your poop is getting caught up in them and sometimes they can take a day or two for the poop to get "unstuck" and then you feel all sick and bound up but don't really feel the need to poop even though you know you ate and need to poop. If they get stuck really good you can get a very bad infection and turn septic. GO TO THE GD DOCTOR. I love you. Thank you for calling me this morning. 

October 12 8 am brenda

The Basics

I am here to take my meds everyday, take a shower everyday, eat 3 meals a day, drink water, sleep, monitor my blood sugar, kick pot and stay off the fucking chatline. I know it may not seem like it because I have such a "bad attitude" but I am doing a lot of work right now. And it feels good. I am here to get clean I guess you could say. 

I'm scared of losing you. I know why you stopped talking to me, I think. I don't know sometimes I think that you just want to spend time with other people so you hang up on me, treat me like shit. Other times I think that you are just mad at me and treating me like shit because of it. Maybe it's both, maybe neither. 

Are you trying to get rid of me for real? I suppose, because I can't figure out how to say I'm sorry. I honestly felt like doing this, being here would let you know how truly sorry I am. How committed I am to changing the way things are. That I'm willing to put myself away just to make you more comfortable. But it doesn't seem to mean anything to you. If anything it seems to make you more angry than you already are. 

I asked you what I have to do. You said I need to change my attitude. The next phone call we have you are just straight evil to me. I am not going to strike out at you or try to get revenge on you. I know why you are upset with me and if you would stop being an asshole for 10 minutes I would be able to let you know that but you are being so mean to me I don't have an opportunity to tell you I'm sorry. 

Chris, I'm sorry that I embarrassed you. I'm sorry that I freaked out and went on the chatline and humiliated you. I'm sorry that sometimes I get paranoid and let my emotions run crazy, I let my emotions control everything I do sometimes. I am trying to train my brain to respond differently. And I am doing all of this for us. So that we don't go through these things anymore. I recognize that last time might be the last time. I realize that. I'm trying to deal with that too. 

I don't want to fight with you. I love you. I am extremely angry with you for not being a bigger person than this. You know how hard it is for me sometimes. You know how hard I struggle to simply not call the chatline. That all by itself takes 100 percent of my attention sometimes. I have to focus and readjust my attention to other things. I have to remind myself that it is better for everyone if I just stay the fuck away from there. It's an addiction I guess. Lord knows, if anyone knows that it is you. 

I don't feel justified in calling there and harassing you. I don't enjoy doing it. It's compulsitory (I guess this is my own made up word but I think you get my drift) and I fucking hate this feeling of being driven from one room to the next, one chatline to the next. Like a big hand on my shoulder pushing me and pushing me. 

I ran out of my mood stabilizer when I had covid and never got the script refilled because I was feeling better. Then my dad died, then I ran out of diabetes medicine. So what when I go home I'm supposed to be starting a brand new job. Actually literally today I was supposed to start. I don't know but they might let me go. At this point I don't even care because I think I will make too much money for my social security if I work a whole month there. I'm sure I'll be good for a month but six months from now I'm going to be unemployed again and trying to figure out how to pay my bills. This is not the life that I signed up for. 

I have a lot of remorse, regret, guilt and shame over losing my job at Fort Dodge. I was there for 15 years. That classroom was my life and I still haven't processed that loss, I've been running from it for years. Have you ever worked anywhere that long? I still wish I could go back. My life made sense then. I got up in the morning and did something that made me important. There were so many people that relied on me having my shit together. I had 5 fucking staff under me. When there was a problem with a kid, no matter the age, they would come get me for help and support. When kids ran from their own classrooms they came to mine. I was well respected and all that changed because a mother decided to get me fired. 

I loved those kids with all my heart. The kid that got me fired, he was a sweet boy that was being hurt by his family. I didn't lock him in a room. I used that time out room sometimes but only when a kid was trying to really fuck somebody else up. If a kid threw a fucking fit and tore the classroom apart but wasn't hurting other kids I pulled everyone out of the room and waited for him to quit. After he calmed down I would help him clean the room up. 

If a kid was throwing a fit sometimes I would take him to the store or bring him an ice cream because sometimes when we are upset and acting out we can't stop ourselves and we need some kind of intervention, something to make it ok to stop what you are doing without "losing". Big emotions are hard to deal with, I know that better than anyone. My big emotions have ruined a lot of things for me. Anyway, I went on a bit of a tangent there. 

My point was or is I guess, that I was a great teacher and that was stolen from me. Where did it start? I would never want my children to hear me say this but when they left home and it started with the oldest, I got scared. I got really scared because I knew I was going to end up alone. I had BPD then too I just didn't know it. I didn't have a label for what was wrong with me in fact I didn't really think there was anything wrong with me. I just went about my life hurting people and didn't ever think about it. 

You talk about my kids like they are bad people but they are fucking saints. SAINTS! I used and abused them for years when they were at home. I made them run get everything for me, wouldn't grocery shop that last year, hannah was making good money and she was paying a couple of my bills for me. Every bad emotion I had was their fault somehow. Just like I do to you now. Oh, I hate this. I hate to admit these things because I know what kind of a monster I was to them. Do they hate me? Do they try to hurt me? Do they try to get revenge or even try to separate themselves from me? No. They know that I love them, they know that I would do anything for them, they know I would never just sit idly by while something bad happened to them. I would kill for them, the same as I would do for you.

But when my oldest left home I decided I needed a "real" boyfriend. I had dated a few guys but never anything very serious. I was quick to dump someone that I thought wasn't good enough for me. The chief of fucking police Doug Utley had a son named Sean. Ok so I thought, this works. This will be great for me and my kids. It will look really good and I liked him. He fucking moved into my house and then I find out he's a tweaker. Yeah so we fought like crazy because I wanted him out of my house. The last time I fucked with him he took a swing at my face and almost fell down cuz he was drunk and then threw an unopened can of beer at me and it hit me. I still have a bruise, it never went away. So fucking weird. 

I didn't get another boyfriend until after Hannah left home, that was josh. Then I went through some meth stuff which didn't improve anything. My life was worse and more complicated than ever. I still wasn't trying to fix myself. I still blamed him for all my emotions. I blamed him for all my choices. I didn't realize how fucked up I was then. I carried that sickness into our relationship. It's your fault I'm sad, it's your fault I'm angry, it's your fault I can't handle anything. 

Then I went to work at the Lutheran School and that was a nightmare basically from the beginning. Those teachers and parents did not like me. When the priest died I hid in my house. That was fucked up, you remember. I didn't want to see or be around anyone but they expected me to be there for my students. Sorry, couldn't do it. I just couldn't. So I was shunned and then eventually I was targeted. And you stuck up for me. You were in my corner for real. You told that bitch and you saved me. I think that's when I started to really love you.

A love that is unbreakable. There is nothing or no one that could ever change that love I have for you. Even if you wish it, you can't undo making a person feel the way you made me feel. I have never in my life had someone stick up for me before. I've never had someone that was willing to fight for me instead of against me. It was one of the most intense feelings I've ever had. I was not alone anymore, and I knew it. I felt it inside me. I just knew. 

Even as fucked up as I was back then still, I knew what we had was special and I was going to do anything I could for you. And I have. I have done everything I did for you. Everything I still do is for you. Why am I here? Why do you think I put myself in here? I did it for us. I can't lose you and I know I've done so much to push you away. I've tried so hard to push you away but somehow you hang on. When I think I've done the absolute most you have still been here for me. Even if it is just a fucking hang up call. Just to let me know that you're still here. When you didn't talk to me for 5 days I felt like I was dying. And I'm always almost sure you're on the verge of walking away from me, you don't. But that 5 days did something to me. 

I decided I needed to stop smoking pot. I needed to get my health in order if I am going to ever do anything good for myself. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to just stop in the middle of all this mess and do what I need to do, I just have way too many excuses to keep doing what I was doing. This has been a good break, a pause and reset in my recovery. I have to recover, failure is not an option. Why? Because I don't want to live without you baby. I don't. 

I have to get well. I have to stay well. So here I sit in a stabilization unit. Taking all my meds, not smoking weed, eating healthier, drinking water, showering everyday. Do you know that I'm not sure in my whole life if I've ever showered 5 days in a row. EVER. It feels a bit wasteful to me. I'm wasting water, wasting shampoo. And I don't think it's really changed the way I feel inside. It is an experience though, taking care of myself the way I would take care of a child. Using my skin care shit. 

I painted a picture of my anger last night. It did a lot of good too. My feelings were coming out onto the canvas and I felt like I was letting it out. I didn't scream or hit myself, until we were on the phone together. I'm just so fucking angry. I'm angry that I am being punished for something that I didn't choose to do and that is hard for me. But you, well I do understand why you feel the way you do. I know that my reactions are my responsibility. I know that I have to let you live your life. I can't control you and I don't try to. My point is to make you feel the way I feel and that is ugly as fuck. That is not who I want to be. 

I know you've probably heard all of this before but I have to keep trying. I don't want to give up and I don't want you giving up on me. I know that you have for the time being. I know you need to be away from me right now and I assume that's why you aren't speaking to me. You need a break from the crazy. I wish I could get a break from it. I can't expect anything else from you right now. Last night was awful, I hate fighting with you like that. I smashed my phone into my head a couple of times and just went kinda comatose after our conversations. 

I am taking that DBT class online. I've been practicing mindfulness. I've been working on this thought diffusion thing but it's hard. It's exhausting to have to examine each of my thoughts. To figure out where I am going wrong. You try it for 1 hour. Everytime you have a thought, deconstruct it. Figure out where your thinking is wrong and set it right. It's not easy and even harder to admit it to other people. I want to apologize to you. Ask you to forgive me but I am so fucking angry right now. Not at you but when you say or do something mean it becomes about you. All of it becomes about you. I don't know why my brain and my heart do that. 

I know you are a good person Chris, and I know that you want good things for me. Even if you say otherwise I know it's true. You say "Hail Satan" like I say I want to see Shastas insides. It doesn't really mean anything. It's anger pouring out of me, anyway I can get it out of me. I need that out of me. I am trying to find ways to express my anger so it doesn't explode out of me like that but it's hard. I need to break some shit. When I get out of here I'm going to the goodwill and buying a bunch of dishes and then I'm going to go somewhere and break all of them. I'm going to smash them. I'm going to scream and yell and cry. Until I can't anymore. 

I'm angry that my father was the man he was. I needed a dad. I needed him to protect me but he only made my problems worse. He wasn't a horrible man. He loved me in his own way. The shit he did to me was drug and alcohol fueled. He never did anything like that when I was a kid. As an adult? I don't know why he did what he did. I was so disgusted with him for that, I just couldn't deal with him anymore. Now I have to feel guilty for abandoning him at the end of his life. How is it that he put me through all that shit and never had to take responsibility for what he did to me? Never. He always hid behind his problems.

I think I've done that to my children too. I take and take from them and then blame my mental illness. Yes, my MI does play a huge role in why I want to do the things I do. But I have to be responsible for my choices and my actions. I have to make better choices. This last month has been hard, harder. I know that my dad dying had something to do with it. Being locked in that hotel for a week, you not talking to me for 2 days then and then 5 last week. I know you are just trying to protect yourself, you have to do that but that doesn't make being without you any easier for me. 

And that's why I checked myself in here. I know that if I don't make some changes I am going to lose you forever and I just can't bear the thought of that. I'm worried that I already lost you. That every interaction we have has been bad. ugly. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to take care of myself so I am capable of being healthy in a relationship with you. 

Part of that is up to you too though. It takes 2 people to have a good relationship. You have to try to trust me more too. I just want to stay off the chatlines but sometimes I get so lonely and I just want to talk to someone. Anyone, I don't care who. I don't want to have phone sex with other people. I don't want to talk to other people but you get tired of me and then if I try to reach out to other people you get angry at me. 

You know everything I've done. I know that. I can't hide anything from you and I understand that. It makes me crazy sometimes because I know nothing about you but the different versions of different stories you tell me. One day I'm the only girl, the next girl I'm not even your girl. I know I probably deserve that shit too for the way I've talked to you on the chatline. The things I've said you said. No one could ever get me to turn on you or go against you. 

I pledged my love and my honor to you a long time ago. After my dad died I went through some weird sexual shit that I had a hard time getting through. Going without you for 5 days was really fucking hard. I didn't understand why you were doing it to me at the time. It's so fucking weird how I just block out what I've done and only see what you do. I think it's because the feelings are so huge I can't control them sometimes. 

At this point I feel like I've started just reiterating things I've already said. I don't want to be redundant. I just can't express enough to you that I am committed to changing. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. I am trying to get more supports in place for me so I can avoid these situations in the future. I'm trying to get voc rehab to help me with whatever job I end up taking. I am trying to find domestic violence counseling and a group for that. I still have my groups at the CMC and will probably stay there until they kick me out. If I'm ready to live on my own at that point I will. If I'm not I will look into a hab home which is a house with 4 or 5 other people that struggle with the same things that I do. There is a staff person there to help with appointments and meds and all that kind of stuff. 

I am trying to get better baby. I'm doing everything I can to come out of this. I need to process this sexual abuse shit too. It wreaks havoc on my life and you know that. The fucking struggles I have because of it. I never let that shit bother me before. I did it for work and for fun. I don't want to like those awful things though. I don't want that to make my pussy wet. You make my pussy wet, I don't need all that other shit. But it is still a pulse inside me. I thought it was over but it reared it's ugly head again. I'm sure it had something to do with my dad. 

Just know this, I love you. I loved you the day you told me about the mushrooms and not a day has passed since that day that I haven't thought of you. Not one day. I don't want to be with anyone but you. You mean everything to me and I will do whatever I have to do to keep you in my life. That's not a threat, I'm saying if I have to lock myself up to get off pot or stay off the chatline that is what I am going to do. 

They shut my phone off and I don't know if I'm going to be able to get it turned back on today. I hope so, being without a phone is no fun. I'm out of cigarettes too. The food here sucks. I would rather be home but I am getting out of here tomorrow. Until then, I am going to continue to work on expressing this anger in healthy ways, and staying physically responsible. What I want to do is take this with me. Continue to get ready in the morning, taking a bath once in awhile at night, eating 3 meals (even if they are small) getting food stamps so I can eat regularly and better, I'm going to drink water everyday, 

I'm done repeating myself. At this point I'm just enjoying sitting out here and typing away. I miss typing away. I miss you. Please can't we try to move on. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I'm just trying to make this life of mine work somehow. I wish it wasn't like this. If I could snap my fingers and change, I would. Believe me I would. Ok, I'm done now. My phone is back on, yay! I love you and I do love myself or I wouldn't be in this place. 

All about me

ME

1. My Dad

                        a. Guilt

                                I. I should have reached out to him before he died.

                                II. He must have been so lonely there.

                                III. I am making a big deal out of nothing and punished him for no reason.

                        b. Sexual Shit\

                                I. He made terrible choices when I was young.

                                II. He put me in very uncomfortable positions

                                III. He exposed me to things I never should have been exposed to.

                                IV. Because of his drinking, he allowed himself to do things he knew were wrong.

                                V. He fucked up my sexuality.

                        c. Abandonment 

                                I. All I wanted was his love and attention

                                II. He should not have been a parent

                                III. I suffered because he was too lazy to figure out how to be a dad

                                IV. How dare he expect anything from me after the way he treated me?

                2. My Job

                        a. money

                                I. I don't have enough

                                II. I need more

                        b. Joy

                                I. I can't work somewhere that I don't feel comfortable.

                                II. I need to feel fulfilled in my career

                        c. My mental health

                                I. routine with flexibility

                                II. Job needs to know about disability for accomidations

                                III. Job that will work with that.

                3. My Future

                        a. what will happen to me, where will I end up

                                I. Huge anxiety around this

                                II. Can't keep a job

                                III. Can't keep up with Bills

                        b. How can I be ok

                                I. Social Security

                                II. HUD

                                III. Food Stamps/Medicaid

                                IV. My Taxes

                                V. Get a Job that works for me

                4.  Finances

                        a. Bills to pay

                                I. 3 more car payments

                                II. I owe my children money

                                III. I owe the CMC a lot of money

                                IV. I got into an accident without insurance, got a bunch of tickets and lost my                                             license. This is going to be a nasty mess to clean up.

                        b. Where to get the money

                                I. Work

                                II. Doordash

                                III. Food Stamps

                                IV. Taxes

                                V. Square

                5. Chris

                        a. Other girls

                                  I. Shasta, Shayla, Cassandra, Nunya, Angel, Heather from Texas, Texas, Megan,                                         Rachel, Brenda, Calle, Nicole from georgia.

                                    II. Constantly hitting on them

                                    III. Using them to make me jealous

                                    IV Ignoring me to spend time with them                               

                        b. He doesn't want to be with me when I act crazy

                                    I. I don't blame him

                                    II. I publicly embarass him when he makes me angry

                                    III. I say some really awful and weird things

                                    IV. I don't know when to quit

                                    V. I try to hurt him anyway I can

                        c. He can't tell me what he wants from me

                                I. He won't tell me when I do something wrong

                                II. When he is mad he won't tell me why

                                III. I cannot control him.

                                IV, He lies a lot

                        d. He is everything to me.

                                I. He knows everything about me.

                                II. It is possible that the only reason he isn't talking to me very much is because of                                         how I acted last week.

                                III. It is possible that these girls are just chatline friends and not romantic partners

                                IV. It is possible that he uses them to make me jealous the same way he uses me to                                        make them jealous.

                                V. He has done so much for me by way of helping me to become a better person. 

                                VI. He makes me feel like I'm finally a

                          e. He hurts me

                                I. He blows me off

                                II. He talks to other girls

                                III. He talks to me about other girls

                                IV. His other girls humiliate me on the chatline

                                V. He won't grant me ANY access to him at all

                6. The Chatline

                        a. It's a way to connect with other people

                                i. 24/7 there is someone to talk to

                                II. Exchange of ideas with other people

                        b. Causes problems in my relationship

                                I. Chris doesn't want me on there

                                II. Other people say things to me that upset me

                                III. I say things to other people that upset me

                        c. overall bad for my health

                                I. Cumpulsitory

                                II. Insults are bad for my esteem

                                III. The things I do on the chatline are immoral and make me feel like a bad person

                                IV. It makes Chris very angry

                7. Pot

                        a. It helps me once in awhile

                                I. It helps me think

                                II. It calms me down

                                III. I feel better when I'm high

                        b. I abuse it when things go wrong

                                I. Tanya

                                II. Dad

                                III. Losing my house and all my belongings

                        c. Quitting always feels impossible

                                 I. I can't stop when I need to

                                II. I know it does help, sometimes it is the only thing that helps

                        d. It robs me of my concern for anyone or anything else

                                I. I don't care to ask my children for anything

                                II. I don't care what I do to Chris, I feel that he deserves it but he doesn't                         

                        e. When I don't have it I wig out. Point blank and period. It's better to stay away that                                         fight through the cravings, it's stupid and I will be fine without it.

Don't read this

Selfish fucker. That's what you are. OK, I started this. You don't have to talk to me at all though. I am figuring this thing out and I have a feeling that once I get home you're going to stop talking to me again anyway. I am so sick of dealing with this shit every week or every couple of weeks. You can't talk to me more than 2 minutes without hanging up on me you fuck. I hope someone treats you like this, I hope someday you find out what it feels like to be me. I just heard you click out of the call. You are so fucking predictable. Yes I used the word predictable. I hope that this shit finds you the same way you let it find me. You say that I am mentally ill, yes the fuck I am because I am constantly being told that I am not good enough, everyone else is better than me. Well fuck you, I am good and worthy of my own accord. I have been having a lot of problems since I was stuck up in that. Fuck that, I've had problems my whole life. I can't deal with shit, seriously. I am alone and fighting this fight with no one but my children. You are not here for me, you haven't been here for me. You shun me, hang up on me, tell me about shasta or megan or anyone else that you actually love. Not me though. Until you want phone sex at 3 in the morning. Where the fuck are you? Why do you just leave me? I'm so worn thin. So fucking thin. You have no idea how difficult this life is for me regularly and then you start your shit and it gets nothing but worse. You play these fucked up games with my head just so you can spend all your time with other people. It's not like you don't know what this does to me, you know. You just don't care how you turn my life upside down when you stop talking to me. Maybe you are trying to teach me a lesson but you don't get that it's not that I don't want to learn or don't want to hear you. Sometimes I can't and the worse you treat me the less control I have over myself. You make the choices you make, take some ownership for the things that you do. Stop pretending like this is all in my head. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I don't want anyone but you dummy. You don't like my phone being off or me forgetting my phone or me wearing headphones. You won't let me wear headphones when I talk to you so that you can get everything we say to each other on record. You are fucking nutts. I think you are probably way nuttier and more fucked up than I even realize. You won't talk to me at all really other than to ask me for phone sex. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. You won't really talk to me about my day, you act disinterested in anything I have to say. You are so fucking selfish. I know that you think about me and try to make me feel good sometimes but it never lasts too long. You always find an excuse or reason to cast me out, shun me and make me feel like I am nothing. Go to sleep you fucking bitch. Can your friends see that.

You, trucker, randy, juanita, angel, buford, texas, heather from texas, Shasta, Megan, Rachel, That little mexican twat from texas, Brenda, I know I'm forgetting shit tons of people. You torture me with that shit, for what? For fucking what? 

I know you ask people to call me. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to be on the chatline. I don't want to fight with people. But for some fucked up reason it seems like you need that. You need that like you need to have me on the phone for a certain amount of time. I hate all you chatline fucks. You think for some reason that you are different than them? ARE YOU? You sure don't act like it sometimes. Putting me off like this over and over and expecting me to get better. Who the fuck raised you? How did they show you how to get what you want from other people? I taught myself, so did you. I can tell because you don't fucking do it right. 

When you want something from someone you are supposed to ask, not bully. 

When you tell me you are spending the night with megan and then disappear for the night, guess what? I lose my shit like you know I will. Then when I blow up or do something stupid you act like I am the crazy out of line one. You knew what was going to happen. You sick me on people like megan and then try to back talk that shit like, I never had phone sex with her. I don't even know Shasta, you lying fucker. You are all up in someone elses ass right now and want me to feel like I'm the one doing something wrong. But somehow you make me forget all about it. I don't give a fuck.

Heather said to me "Chris isn't smart enough to tap your phone, but I am. She said "We know what a fat ugly bitch you are now' and that's exactly what you wanted her to do. You wanted Shasta to laugh at me and publicly humiliate me. You wanted Angel to attack me over and over. You wanted Megan to throw it in my face that you are with her. You wanted that little mexican whore to talk shit to me. You want me to be emotionally battered and nothing so I stay with you. Guess what you fucking moron, I would stay with you anyway. I would love you anyway. You don't have to do all that extra shit. 

I'm alone and lonely. I am desperate for human connection. So you completely cut me off for 5 days and as soon I start to accept what you are doing you call me up like nothing is wrong. I don't deserve this. Or maybe you think I do because I want to talk on the chatline. I'm just waiting for your fucking ass to hang up on me nigger. and yes I called you a nigger. You must be a nigger because you acting like one. 

You always want to say a nigger destroyed my pussy. Fuck you. I am just a girl. I'm just a girl that gets overwhelmed with her feelings and doesn't know how to deal with them. I try but after you lie to me, and I know you are lying to me, you act like you care about me. Where is the care for me today when I am sitting in a nutt hut trying to get my life back together. 

You were right. I never should have started smoking pot again. You have no idea how enraged I was when you told me that only medical marijuana is legal in oklahoma. You've been lying about this shit the whole time? What the fuck is wrong with you?

You might not think so but I do love you. I try hard to love you but it always ends the same way. You disappear on me. You tell me about all the other girls you want to be with. You tell me how wonderful they are, how pretty, how rich, how good and then you tell me that I am shit in comparison. You want me to start comparing you to other people I"ve been with. I wouldn't do that. It doesn't work anyway because you have to judge someone on their entire self, not just the parts that seem important to you. 

I know in the morning, if you call me, you will hang up nearly immediately. That is if you call. I need it I guess, but why do that? WHY? Punishing me for wanting a friend? Punishing me for trying to talk to someone on the chatline? I'm not allowed to go there but you can? You can phone fuck every fucking dirty cunt in this fucking country but if I talk to someone about food I'm getting punished. And you do this to so many women, and you do it with a clear concious. You say you love me? then show me you love me and stop doing this to me, or at least be honest with me about what you're doing and why your doing it. I deserve that because I am a loyal bitch you rotten fucker. I am loyal and that is so much fucking more than I can say for you.

I deserve respect for that. Just like I needed my children to show you the respect you deserve. But I don't? If I do something that pisses you off just say something. Set a boundary with me so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I think you try ot do that but I don't hear you sometimes. I don't know. I don't know if this will ever be. 

I have needs and