i hope you're having a good day

I miss you. I've been waiting on my kids for hours. We're going out for dinner, then I'm telling them I'm too tired to paint and I'm coming home. 

Happy birthday to me

Please 🙏 call my other phone. I'm very anxious. But you wished me a happy birthday already. I love you.

I'm sad

Yesterday was my mamas birthday. No wonder I was so sad. Cheer up buttercup. You're going to be ok.

It happened

They finally shut off my phone. I'm scared. I don't know what today is going to be like. We have to just wait and see.

I love you

There are days like today where I am just inside my head. I'm learning about disassociation which is something I believe that I am notorious for doing. I just zone out and stop being here. I don't know if you remember a period of time maybe a year or so ago when I just wouldn't talk hardly at all. I think I was doing a lot of disassociation then. I don't have anything to say because I'm so inside my own motherfucking head. I just want to suck my thumb and stare at nothing and get lost somewhere else. I'm feeling that today. In part because of my meds I'm sure, I'm not emotionally stable right now. But I talked about a lot of shit with that girl I was hanging out with and it didn't do me any good at all. I should only be talking to my therapist about that big stuff from my childhood. It's too much for me and I just get overwhelmed by it. Now I just don't want to be present. I am getting better, I really am finally getting better, even if it is just realizing what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I love you for being here for me though. I love you more than you could ever know.

Oh I fucked up

 Yeah, had a total nervous breakdown this morning. I feel sick today and am completely off my fucking rocker. I blew up because someone put dirty dishes in a dishwasher filled with clean dishes. This is no different than a mom blowing up because her kids are gross and do stupid shit. But I know that it is my medicine. I know that I'm not mad at anyone in particular but that without my medicine the next day I am a hot fucking mess. Then why don't I make sure I have a back up medicine in my purse? Why don't I make sure that I fill my pill case? What the fuck is wrong with my brain sometimes. 

I have to fix this. I'm going to end up going to jail or some stupid shit.

What the fuck?

You are the most confusing man in the world. For weeks things have been going really well for us. At least that's what I thought but now, what the fuck is going on? I have been worried about getting my new number. I always worry about changing my number because you have pulled the old "I lost your number" thing on me so many times in the past. Or at least 2 times that I remember. You know that I struggle with feeling like you want to get rid of me. I always think that everyone wants to get rid of me but this is something you have told me in the past. You say you will call my new number, and I really hope that you do but you acted so weird about taking it down and I don't even know if you did that. You lied about putting it in your phone, I worry that you lied about writing it down too.

I know I'm supposed to trust you and I try but that little thing in the back of my head won't let me trust anyone that much. I can't stop you from NOT getting rid of me. Which makes me want to try. I want to do something, anything to try to hang on to you but I don't want to put myself through that anymore. It hurts you, it damages our relationship and ultimately in the end I'm more hurt by doing it than not. 

Last night you stayed on the phone with me for so long. You accused me of giving out your information. I have never given your information to anyone because I've never had anything to give but more importantly your enemies are all my enemies. I was pissed off that you called this morning and three wayed in the chatline because I hate Juanita more than anything and I had to sit there and listen to her talk shit. All I wanted to do was rip into her but that isn't why you called me. For some reason you wanted me to hear Randy giving my number out on the chatline. 

I don't get you. I don't understand any of this. I know you love me. You know that I love you. I also know that you get busy with other things sometimes and don't have as much time for me. I know also that I've done hurtful things to you in the past and that has caused you to treat me differently. I don't know if this is some sort of a test. I know you told me some things about yourself recently that I don't believe to be true anyway. You told me whatever kind of native american and stuff. 

Here's what I know. I love you. I would NEVER betray you for any reason. I don't associate with anyone from that fucking chatline and I am changing my number. If you don't call me I won't sleep for awhile. I'll probably cry nonstop for days or weeks or whatever it ends up being. I lose my light and depression sets in. I will carry on though. I will not kill myself. I will not terrorize you, I will not stalk you. I will suffer in silence. I want to cry just thinking about it but I woke up yesterday morning having just heard you say "we need to take a break" in my dream. I am really scared of losing you. 

So that's where I am. As far as all this other weird stuff you're doing with calling me and hanging up I don't know. It could be blamed on the fact that lard ass pig fucker gave out my number but I could give a shit less about that because he's been had my number and tried to piss me off with it and I always told you everything. It makes me paranoid and it makes me have a lot of unhealthy thoughts that I am just refusing to engage with. 

I hope I talk to you later. I miss you already. And to be honest, I'm scared.

Dead fucking phone

When I finally plugged it in and turned it on I realized my do not disturb button was on. I was sitting right there with my phone, hot for your bod and you were calling me but I didn't know it. Makes me fucking crazy. I have group my 6-7 but I'm not going anywhere before or after that. I'm keeping my ass home and my phone with me. I love you.

My biggest fear

I am struggling this morning with the feeling that you don't want me anymore. I changed my number and that always makes me feel like I'm going to lose you. You have been very good to me for awhile and that makes me worry too. I know though that when I don't take my medicine I spend the next day feeling this anxiety and I always relate it back to us. I couldn't possibly just feel this way, it has to be because I can sense that you are going to break up with me. I have no proof of that. I do have proof that I didn't take my meds and I almost feel like that might be a reason for you to avoid me. You know I get crazy. Please don't go away from me. Rational or Irrational this is what I am feeling. It's not your fault. It's my fault for missing my meds. I miss you so much right now. I just want to be home, with you. I don't want to be separated from you again. It's so lonely when  you distance yourself from me. I will try to hold steady until this feeling passes and I hope it passes soon. I have some things I can do in the meantime to keep me distracted from this really icky feeling. I just want to hear your voice.

I don't want to lose you. I love you and I need you so badly. When you step away from me there is a part of me that dies. A light that shines from inside me that just goes out. I can carry on, I have to continue to live but my life becomes so heavy and fruitless. I don't experience day to day joy that I experience when you aren't with me. Can I get by without you? I don't know, the last time you got angry with me or whatever I wound up in the Access Center. I don't want to get that low again. I am working so hard to improve myself and I don't want my motivation to disappear again. Can I get by without you? Yes. but it's hell. Life becomes joyless and every task I face is so difficult. 

I love you so much. You are my everything, and you know I mean that. I am able to work 10 hours a day because I know you are paying attention. I am able to support my kids through whatever they are dealing with because I know you are on my side and ultimately I feel that you are on their side too. Maybe you really aren't but it sure the hell feels like it. I think they are finally able to see that too. I think that Lilly puts on a strong front against anyone but no longer scoffs when she hears my phone ring. She plays tough but I think she can feel your concern for me and my life too. So can Hannah. They used to roll their eyes and I know why. I know that I've always played a victim. I've always told them how mean you have been but never said, I went on the chatline and embarrassed him. I don't play the victim with them anymore though. I don't play the victim with anyone anymore. Also they see that I am starting to make myself more of a priority and I think more than anything that is why they have lost so much respect for me over the last few years because I show myself no respect at all.

I realized some time ago that if I don't take responsibility for my actions and for my feelings I will never be able to make any permanent changes in my life.  When I feel anxious and feel my light go out I have to acknowledge that I feel that way because I am not equipped or have the skills to feel better or make myself feel better.  So when those times come I have to focus on myself again and what skills I am lacking to deal with those situations instead of becoming insanely obsessed with the idea that you are the key to my happiness and without you life is miserable. 

It honestly scares the fuck out of me to say that because I'm afraid that if you think I might be ok if you leave that you won't have a reason to stay. Why? because I am not enough. I am not a worthwhile enough of a person for you to want to actually be with me. Putting that on myself is so much more painful and harder than it is for me to take the easy way out and blame you so I don't have to make any changes. I am getting so pissed off at people that don't want to accept responsibility for the parts of their self esteem that welcome and even invite these feelings, even though I do it too.

I am starting to be more honest with myself and why I had my nervous breakdown. Why did it happen? 

I'm so tired

I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. This s*** with Hannah is just sucking the life out of me. I worry about it all the time. I want to kill this kid I just I want him to go away and I can't make him go away I can't make him stop but what's more frustrating than that is that I cannot make my daughter go down and file a f****** restraining order which she has promised her sister she is going to do but she said she was going to do it yesterday and when she was talking about doing it today I could hear in her voice she has no intention of doing that today I would be surprised if she even agrees to do it tomorrow which she has nothing else to do but this she just wants us to go away I get it you don't want to have to go through all of that b******* but this guy is f****** nuts after all this he sends her a naked picture of himself oh my god dude it's too f****** much. And it's affecting every single area of my life that's not true but it is having a very negative impact on me I'm worried about me and Chris and whatever's going on there because I don't know I just have never had to navigate not being able to help my kids and so that's like the only thing in my brain I don't have any room for any other conflict I just don't and it's exhausting. I think he's going to see this as a sign of me trying to fight back or something and it's not it's just me I'm so tired I haven't felt this mentally washed out emotionally strangled. I feel so f****** weak like I've never felt this week before and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it.

Did the mood change?

I think I feel a chill in the air. The time is close now. 4 days until we hold our breath.

my phone died

It happened when I was asleep. Soon as I woke up I plugged it in. Then you called. It made me 😁. I really don't know what you think. I feel like you should but you can't really trust me. I'm sorry, I wish that I could say with certainty that I won't go out there but sometimes that feeling is overwhelming. Not to talk to other people (I only do that if I am trying to piss you off) but to engage with you when you are unengagable. I love you though and I try really hard because I know what kind of problems it causes us. I don't want to hurt you but more importantly that isn't the kind of person I want to be. I want to be a respectable person. A person that deserves the respect she asks for from other people. I'm getting back there but who knows, when I dip (and I always seem to) I can't always control myself. So I have to focus on getting my meds right everyday. I am trying to take better care of myself. I want to eat better for my blood sugar but that one is really hard for me. Just know though that you are my heart and my motivation and I feel truly blessed to have you in my life. I just want to protect us.

I miss you

I feel like I haven't talked to you in weeks. I know that's not true but that's how it feels. I miss you so much but these 10 hour days are kicking my ass. I'm scared that you're going to slip away from me. I don't want this distance. I don't want to lose you. You were so fucking sweet to me Friday night and I wanted to eat it the fuck up but I was so tired, so fucking tired. Will you still love me? Will you ever want me again. You have been so uninterested in sex with me and I don't know what to do to get you hot anymore. I almost feel like you're repulsed by me. I love you and I need your love. I need it and I miss it. You are my everything and I am so lonely without you. I come home and sit here and think about the sound of your voice. I just miss you.