I'm kind of stuck

I have been under so much stress lately. New job, moving, no money, Tanya, weed. My mental health has really been suffering for it. I know that you end up bearing the brunt of it. I don't know why I do that. No. I end up bearing the brunt of it, you just don't know. But you are a victim of my obsession with you. I am sorry for it. I wish things were different. I don't want to lose you again. Please. I love you so much. Please don't leave me. 

I love the you that you've shown me, fits and all. 

I love the way you love. I need it. Why do I need it? Why do I trust you so much? Why do you make me feel so safe? I'm sorry if I've done something and haven't yet realized what it was. You know it always takes me a few days. I wish you would just tell me. I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what to do. 

If I don't call the chat line he isn't going to call me. If I do call the chat line I'm going to get my feelings hurt and probably do something super stupid. I'm fucked no matter what. My heart feels like it's being torn apart. I literally feel like I could barf out flaming lungs. That's what this feels like.

It's not fair

This burns me like I'm on fire on the inside. I feel it in my cheeks and my abs for some reason. I carry this furrow with me all the time as if I'm in pain. I should be the happiest ever and I feel like shit. Baby, why do I feel like shit? I'm doing the best I can to make you proud. I know you hate when I say that but it's true. When you think of me I want you to be proud of the woman I've become. You have had a lot to do with that. I don't want you to quit calling me. Please, please please please don't stop calling me. I can't do this without you. I know I'm struggling to balance things right now, it's just a lot and my living environment is completely fucked. I just feel so disconnected from everything. I hear the anger in your voice. I don't know why all of a sudden you are so angry at me. Why you are trying so hard to hurt my feelings? I should have seen this coming, right? I should have known this was going to happen. I just want to die. I don't want to face losing you. I can't. You are everything to me and you know it. I don't know why you stopped listening to me. It kills me but I've known since then I think that something was up. I felt it. I miss you. We had such a nice time on the phone the other night. It was really great. I'm scared. Baby, I'm really scared. Why is this happening right now? Please, please don't leave me. I need you. But you don't need me anymore I guess. My love doesn't mean anything to you anymore. My exhaustion doesn't mean anything anymore. I'm working so hard to try and put things together so I will be stable and we don't have to deal with all this bullshit. But you don't have to deal with it anymore. Please. Please don't leave me. I need you. 

I just feel like these are words that are just wasted. Spoken into the air. I love you so much. You are one of the most important people I've ever had in my life. You have been the most influential person in my life. You have forced me to look at the ugliest parts of myself and figure out who I really am, what I can live with and what I can't. You have helped me build boundaries and then break them down again. A constant reexamination of who I want to be. I love you. God, I love you. I'm not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes sometimes but I love you. I live for you, you know that. I'm sorry that I let you down. Please don't throw me away baby. I don't know what to do without you. I can't bear the thought of going through that loss again. Another 2 weeks of crying. Another 6 weeks of longing for you everyday. Fighting to sleep every night. Please don't do this. Please. I love you. 

I'm sorry I am such a spaz sometimes. I know it's a terrible trait but I do my best, I think you know that I try. I've been under so much stress the last couple of weeks with moving and everything I just have had some emotional issues to work through. I'm so fucking sorry that I snapped on the chatline. Fuck, whatever. I can't say anything in my defense anymore. I can't justify it and I can't wish it away. It is what it is. I just can't lose you baby, please. Oh please. I wish I could fix this. 

I have to get up and get ready for work and I don't even want to. I'm scared I'm going to sit here until 2 and then not make it in the shower. I have to fucking shower today. I am really struggling in a lot of areas and I wish you could understand that with how many changes I've gone through and all the mass confusion in my life over the last couple of weeks I just might need a little grace and maybe even a little support. But you have needs too. I'm just scared. Please don't cut me off baby, please. I really can't take it. My heart is in complete denial. Please, I love you. Please don't leave me. Oh my god, what am I going to do without you? 

Please Chris. Please don't stop calling me. You are everything to me. I wait all day for your calls. All damn day and all I want is to hear your voice, to know you're there for me. I wouldn't cheat on you, not after all this time. You are all I need to be content in this world. The only thing. I don't go on that chatline unless I'm having a really hard day. I never have the urge to really unless I forget to take my meds. 

Are you really dumping me? Please don't do this to me. I need you. I can't do this without you. Could you do that to me? Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I fell asleep on you. I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much. I'm sorry that I embarrassed you on the chatline. I truly am and I would do anything to take it back. I don't know what else to say. I can't make you do anything. I won't promise to stay away from the chatline. I can't always help it, sometimes the urge is just too strong. I need you. I really do, you just don't understand. Please don't do this to me baby. I can't, I just can't stand the thought of losing you. 

I will be a better girlfriend. I will do better. I will use coping skills when I want to go on the chatline. I won't follow you around or stalk you just please don't leave me. I don't want to lose you. I just can't baby, please. I don't know what I'm doing right now, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just need  some clarity. I fucking miss you. I'm sorry I don't appreciate you more. I shouldn't complain all the time. I think you do the best you can and you try and I am just so caught up in my own stuff I don't take the time to acknowledge what you've done or are doing for me. Please god, please don't leave me. I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I could be better.

a quiet morning

I miss you. Every night I wait and wait and wait for you. What is happening to us?

what the fuck do I do?

You're scaring me. What is going on? I hope to hell that was a joke. Tell me what you need from me. Just come right out and say it. I want you to have what you need. 

I tried to have a good day but

I know you aren't listening to me anymore. I've felt it for awhile. I miss you so much, I'm so scared I feel sick to my stomach. I am miserable without you. I was miserable for 6 weeks without you. I thought about you everyday. I missed you every night. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. And you really aren't calling me. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't smoke enough pot. I can't eat. I know I'm not going to sleep tonight. I'm so fucking scared of losing you. 

I'm sorry for doing that yesterday. I don't want to do things like that. I hate it. I hate that chatline and I wish I could just forget that it exists. I hate what jealousy does to me. Oh this pain. I wish I could get it to go away.  I hate myself so much for not having self control. The inside of my body just goes haywire sometimes anrod I don't know how to shut it off. I did the best I could, I hope you know that. I wouldn't do things to make you want to leave me on purpose. You know that. I guess in a way it doesn't matter though. 

I wish you would call. I pray that you call. In part because I'm scared of what's going to happen when you don't. Will I do it again? Will I hurt myself? I wanted to so bad this morning. I wish I could get out of this body. I just want to be away from all the stupid shit I do. The things I've put my kids through and the things I've put you through. I just want a peaceful life. You were so kind and gentle with me yesterday and then this morning you just ended it, just like that. 

Please god, take this pain away. He said it was all pretend but it's not pretend to me. I love him with all my heart and I don't want to go on without him. We had the most beautiful christmas together. It was wonderful and he was wonderful. He called me everynight around 830 and we got along so well. I was so happy. What happened? I know he loves me. He cares about me. We have spent so many nights loving each other being good to each other, kind and loving. He has been there for me like no one else in my life. Not that he's done more for me because he hasn't actually ever done anything for me, nor have I ever really done anything for him. But I feel so empty and alone without him. 

He hurts me sometimes. He hurts my feelings. He says really nasty horrible things to me sometimes but I know he's angry and has low impulse control just like I do. I don't hold it against him because I know that's not who he really is. I know he's a good person, he has a good heart. I just don't want to go on without him. I don't want to. No one has ever EVER in my life been there for me like he has and he thinks this is just pretend? I don't know how he could say that after everything we've been through together. 

I love you and I miss you terribly. Please come back to me. I will try doing something different so this doesn't happen anymore. Do you have any suggestions. I will try lots of things. I just want to have a comfortable life. I don't want all this drama and shit. It's stupid and it hurts you. I hear it. I know that you can't do it anymore. I'm so fucking sorry that I fucked things up. Please don't know leave me. Please.