I tried to have a good day but

I know you aren't listening to me anymore. I've felt it for awhile. I miss you so much, I'm so scared I feel sick to my stomach. I am miserable without you. I was miserable for 6 weeks without you. I thought about you everyday. I missed you every night. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. And you really aren't calling me. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't smoke enough pot. I can't eat. I know I'm not going to sleep tonight. I'm so fucking scared of losing you. 

I'm sorry for doing that yesterday. I don't want to do things like that. I hate it. I hate that chatline and I wish I could just forget that it exists. I hate what jealousy does to me. Oh this pain. I wish I could get it to go away.  I hate myself so much for not having self control. The inside of my body just goes haywire sometimes anrod I don't know how to shut it off. I did the best I could, I hope you know that. I wouldn't do things to make you want to leave me on purpose. You know that. I guess in a way it doesn't matter though. 

I wish you would call. I pray that you call. In part because I'm scared of what's going to happen when you don't. Will I do it again? Will I hurt myself? I wanted to so bad this morning. I wish I could get out of this body. I just want to be away from all the stupid shit I do. The things I've put my kids through and the things I've put you through. I just want a peaceful life. You were so kind and gentle with me yesterday and then this morning you just ended it, just like that. 

Please god, take this pain away. He said it was all pretend but it's not pretend to me. I love him with all my heart and I don't want to go on without him. We had the most beautiful christmas together. It was wonderful and he was wonderful. He called me everynight around 830 and we got along so well. I was so happy. What happened? I know he loves me. He cares about me. We have spent so many nights loving each other being good to each other, kind and loving. He has been there for me like no one else in my life. Not that he's done more for me because he hasn't actually ever done anything for me, nor have I ever really done anything for him. But I feel so empty and alone without him. 

He hurts me sometimes. He hurts my feelings. He says really nasty horrible things to me sometimes but I know he's angry and has low impulse control just like I do. I don't hold it against him because I know that's not who he really is. I know he's a good person, he has a good heart. I just don't want to go on without him. I don't want to. No one has ever EVER in my life been there for me like he has and he thinks this is just pretend? I don't know how he could say that after everything we've been through together. 

I love you and I miss you terribly. Please come back to me. I will try doing something different so this doesn't happen anymore. Do you have any suggestions. I will try lots of things. I just want to have a comfortable life. I don't want all this drama and shit. It's stupid and it hurts you. I hear it. I know that you can't do it anymore. I'm so fucking sorry that I fucked things up. Please don't know leave me. Please.