It's not fair

This burns me like I'm on fire on the inside. I feel it in my cheeks and my abs for some reason. I carry this furrow with me all the time as if I'm in pain. I should be the happiest ever and I feel like shit. Baby, why do I feel like shit? I'm doing the best I can to make you proud. I know you hate when I say that but it's true. When you think of me I want you to be proud of the woman I've become. You have had a lot to do with that. I don't want you to quit calling me. Please, please please please don't stop calling me. I can't do this without you. I know I'm struggling to balance things right now, it's just a lot and my living environment is completely fucked. I just feel so disconnected from everything. I hear the anger in your voice. I don't know why all of a sudden you are so angry at me. Why you are trying so hard to hurt my feelings? I should have seen this coming, right? I should have known this was going to happen. I just want to die. I don't want to face losing you. I can't. You are everything to me and you know it. I don't know why you stopped listening to me. It kills me but I've known since then I think that something was up. I felt it. I miss you. We had such a nice time on the phone the other night. It was really great. I'm scared. Baby, I'm really scared. Why is this happening right now? Please, please don't leave me. I need you. But you don't need me anymore I guess. My love doesn't mean anything to you anymore. My exhaustion doesn't mean anything anymore. I'm working so hard to try and put things together so I will be stable and we don't have to deal with all this bullshit. But you don't have to deal with it anymore. Please. Please don't leave me. I need you. 

I just feel like these are words that are just wasted. Spoken into the air. I love you so much. You are one of the most important people I've ever had in my life. You have been the most influential person in my life. You have forced me to look at the ugliest parts of myself and figure out who I really am, what I can live with and what I can't. You have helped me build boundaries and then break them down again. A constant reexamination of who I want to be. I love you. God, I love you. I'm not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes sometimes but I love you. I live for you, you know that. I'm sorry that I let you down. Please don't throw me away baby. I don't know what to do without you. I can't bear the thought of going through that loss again. Another 2 weeks of crying. Another 6 weeks of longing for you everyday. Fighting to sleep every night. Please don't do this. Please. I love you. 

I'm sorry I am such a spaz sometimes. I know it's a terrible trait but I do my best, I think you know that I try. I've been under so much stress the last couple of weeks with moving and everything I just have had some emotional issues to work through. I'm so fucking sorry that I snapped on the chatline. Fuck, whatever. I can't say anything in my defense anymore. I can't justify it and I can't wish it away. It is what it is. I just can't lose you baby, please. Oh please. I wish I could fix this. 

I have to get up and get ready for work and I don't even want to. I'm scared I'm going to sit here until 2 and then not make it in the shower. I have to fucking shower today. I am really struggling in a lot of areas and I wish you could understand that with how many changes I've gone through and all the mass confusion in my life over the last couple of weeks I just might need a little grace and maybe even a little support. But you have needs too. I'm just scared. Please don't cut me off baby, please. I really can't take it. My heart is in complete denial. Please, I love you. Please don't leave me. Oh my god, what am I going to do without you? 

Please Chris. Please don't stop calling me. You are everything to me. I wait all day for your calls. All damn day and all I want is to hear your voice, to know you're there for me. I wouldn't cheat on you, not after all this time. You are all I need to be content in this world. The only thing. I don't go on that chatline unless I'm having a really hard day. I never have the urge to really unless I forget to take my meds. 

Are you really dumping me? Please don't do this to me. I need you. I can't do this without you. Could you do that to me? Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I fell asleep on you. I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much. I'm sorry that I embarrassed you on the chatline. I truly am and I would do anything to take it back. I don't know what else to say. I can't make you do anything. I won't promise to stay away from the chatline. I can't always help it, sometimes the urge is just too strong. I need you. I really do, you just don't understand. Please don't do this to me baby. I can't, I just can't stand the thought of losing you. 

I will be a better girlfriend. I will do better. I will use coping skills when I want to go on the chatline. I won't follow you around or stalk you just please don't leave me. I don't want to lose you. I just can't baby, please. I don't know what I'm doing right now, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just need  some clarity. I fucking miss you. I'm sorry I don't appreciate you more. I shouldn't complain all the time. I think you do the best you can and you try and I am just so caught up in my own stuff I don't take the time to acknowledge what you've done or are doing for me. Please god, please don't leave me. I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I could be better.