I will never cum again

Why would you do this to me? I didn't go on the chatline at all yesterday and you're being meaner to me than ever. Do you really want me to hate myself this much? You are going to get what you want.

busy day for me

Today I have to be in Iowa city by 9 until 11, then I have an appointment in north liberty an hour later from 12-2 or 230. Then I'm off until 4 for group until 630. After that I'm done for the day. I'm not going anywhere tonight although I might help Nikki dye her hair after group. I will still have my phone with me.

It might not seem like it but you are what keeps me balanced and your constant hang up calls are fucking me up but you not calling me is fucking me up too so I don't know what to do. I don't want to fight and scream and cry but continuously being hung up on is driving me insane, honestly insane.

I need you. I miss you. At the very least I want our time together to be our time. I already share you so much. And no matter how you try to spin it I'm not nor have I been talking to anyone else. 

My life is pretty hectic these days so my phone died or I forget it somewhere. That doesn't mean I'm cheating it means there is just too much chaos, partly from the fact that you have been bouncing my head off the walls for the last two weeks. 

You leave me alone so much or show me no kindness and I'm hurt and desperately want someone to talk to. Then you get mad when I do it.

 Please try to be kind today. Please say goodbye to me, stay with me until the end of our conversation and try to make me feel like I count too. In turn I will try to say goodbye when you do without throwing a fit, I'll stay off the chatline and I won't cry. I think those are fair trades. 

I just need to find a way to function in this situation. It has been extremely difficult to try to adjust to this new schedule. It really hurts me but not having you at all hurts so much more.

I love you. Have a good day. 

Starting Over

 I have to somehow try to hit the restart button. All this hanging up on me and only talking to me for a half an hour at a time has been so emotionally draining. I wait and wait for you to call me and then when you finally do you spend the whole time trying to either get me to go to sleep or by treating me like shit, so I'll want to go. There is no winning, no situation in which I get my needs met and it really fucking sucks. And it's ok that I have needs, everyone does. You have known me long enough to know what my needs are, why are you denying me? It seems like every week it's one or two or three days when you just can't find any time for me. It's so hard for me to understand and I get really upset and then you taunt me and insult me on top of it. Why? Why do you kick me when I'm already down? 

I love you and I try really hard to be a good girlfriend. It's hard not to talk to anyone but you especially when you aren't talking 

How did things get like this?

     I feel like you hate me. You stayed on the phone with me for 6 hours. Should that be enough to tell me you love me and care about me? Do you love me Chris? I feel like you love me and then sometimes I feel like you just forget about me altogether. What did I do wrong? Why won't you ever tell me what I did wrong and why does it seem that every Sunday Monday and Tuesday you don't want to talk to me? I am just a massive mixed up thoughts and feelings that I don't know how to deal with. I miss when you called me at 830 and talked to me. or 630 or 1030. But these days it seems like you don't call me until after midnight and then you don't want to talk. You just want me to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. You call me and talk to me for 2 minutes or 5 minutes and then hang up. What did I do wrong?

I know you say you think I am talking to someone else but I don't understand how you could believe that's true. I don't want to talk to anyone else. Even if we weren't talking I wouldn't talk to anyone else. I might flirt with the idea sometimes but even trying to do that makes me feel sick, no one is you. You are one of the only people in the world I trust. I think you believe that you are the only guy I could get. I promise you if I wanted someone else I would be with someone else but I'm not am I? I spend all my time waiting for the phone to ring and it just stopped ringing. I don't understand why.

I know that we've had a lot of fights lately, a lot. I've been in a really bad place for a while where we are concerned. I just feel like I finally saw the truth. You don't really want me, I'm a burden to you like I've been a burden to everyone my whole life. No one ever wanted me and maybe you don't understand what that feels like but I do. If that's how you really feel and then I have to remind myself that you have said those exact words to me. You don't want me.

Then I think of all the things you have done for me. I think of how considerate you've been, how much time you've taken to learn about me and know what was the right thing for me. Then I get this feeling like I am the only one but I know that for nights and nights in a row you barely have 30 minutes for me. It really fucks me up. You constantly hanging up on me. I don't have anyway to get a hold of you. Specifically when you tell me other girls can call you anytime they want. That fucking kills me man. 

I know I can be a pain in the ass and at times I make really stupid decisions but I also know that you kind of understand that side of me too. I just want to know that I'm important to you. That if I left you would be hurt just like I would be. That you want me in your life, that sometimes you might even feel like you need me the way I need you. But I look at reality and I have to be able to put two and two together. I have to be able to face the fact that you've straight out told me you don't want to be with me. 

I also think about the fact that I could have this all wrong. I have other thoughts. Maybe you work for the chatline and have to be on there certain times. You can't tell me because it's a rule or something and they listen to you too. The way that you act sometimes like you are showing off for someone else. Or I'm crazy. The thing is I've got this cognitive disonance thing happening where you show me two completely different sides of yourself and I don't know which one is real or if they are both real. Maybe neither one of them is real, I don't know. You did tell me that this was all pretend.

I know that going back on the chatline is a bad idea. I did so well staying away from it for a long time but when you started this can't talk to me but 30 minutes a night it just triggered something in me that is way bigger than my will to stay away. It creeps up on me when I am busy sometimes and I can't stop thinking about it until I get on there. What I am looking for? Proof of something. Proof that you love me or proof that you don't. Proof that this is real or proof that its bullshit. I just want to feel secure. I did for so long, I just don't understand what changed. 

You were on the phone with me for 6 hours and you even pointed it out. I asked you why because I want to hear you say that you did it because you wanted to or that you me to feel better. Instead you will either tell me that there was no one better to talk to or I have to assume that there is someone else you want to talk to for days at a time. Like I am the very last person you want to spend time with and the only reason you do it is to shut me up. Or you don't answer me at all leaving me to do my own figuring out. 

It's so hard for me to open up and the more I do the more vulnerable I feel. All I want is to be yours. Youre fine to meet other people on the chatline at certain specific times but you just leave me hanging. It would be nice to hear well I'm not going to be able to call you until after midnight but tomorrow I can call during the day for a little while. Instead I'm just left feeling like yesterdays left over garbage. I've expressed that to you so many times but you just refuse to prepare me for what's coming. 

I know you call me everyday and that you are going to call me everyday. I know that in the last couple of months we've grown a lot closer, I feel anyway. I can say with certainty that you love me, you care about me and you want the very best for me. I KNOW that. I just don't know why you just blow me off sometimes. I don't know how to get around it.

If I get lonely or need to talk to someone I can't just go on the chatline and find someone to talk to like you can. You get mad and start being mean to me. I set up a tinder hoping to find someone I could just talk to when you aren't around but that's not what that is for and I don't have any interest in meeting anyone or having phone sex with anyone, I just get lonely sometimes. You'll tell me how bored you get of me and how much you just want to talk to other people but I am not shown that kind of respect. 

It would mean so much to get a text from you in the middle of the day. If I could do the same for you. I know you won't so I'm not asking. I know I'll never meet you or be with you. You think I'm fat and ugly. You don't want to be with me because I'm crazy and you think I would do something crazy. I just want to be loved and if that has to happen from afar then so be it. If we make it through this time. This is so hard I just don't know how to turn things around. What do I have to do to get you to love me again. And here I am begging, I am so sick of begging you to love me. 

My head is just a mess

 It feels like spaghettis in here. Does that have a silent s? Why did I never notice this before? For a little while, just a little while I truly did believe you. You told me I needed to heal. You made me feel so secure but then you were still hanging up on me. Right in the middle of a sentence you hang up on me and then call the chatline. I can not handle that kind of chaos anymore. Feeling constantly like I'm not good enough or there are so many people out there better than me that you want to talk to. This last week has been hell. I have just tried to focus on other things and keep it moving but it's so hard when you just seem to forget all about me, no you make time to call me and say all this horrible shit to me right before you hang up on me. I need to take my medicine and I'm starving. I have to try to eat something that isn't going to send me into diabetic shock. I need to get this rancid puss out of my inner being but I'm so overwhelmed by these feelings I just get so fucking tired and want to go to sleep. I am going to make an anchor, go get a floaty and go to the lake. This means I need to shave my pussy, at least a little. I aint trying to make a bunch of kids think that I have burt and ernnie in my panties...am I right? I have therapy tomorrow if the bitch doesn't cancel on me. Fuck case management, I'm not even going to go anymore. That bitch doesn't care about this, about me. I'm going to try to make up a google meeting place or whatever it's called so we can all communicate better around here. That would be so helpful for staff and for the residents. And it would pay my rent for a couple of weeks. I'm just spinning on this marry go round, slowing and slowing, feeling so nauseas I could fucking puke. I keep reminding myself that I am getting back to where I was before I moved. I think I am but I could be so wrong. more later. 

Confusion sets in

This is a hard one. I've been avoiding getting back to it because it lets my crazy show. I don't like to let my deep down crazy show. I'm embarrassed by it because I do take it seriously but I also know that I have a problem with paranoia. Sometimes I don't know the difference between fantasy and reality. I really don't. I have so many versions of reality in my head I don't know which one is real. Just when I have myself convinced its one thing, I realize it's another. Then another and another and another. I'm scared because what I want to believe and what seems most logical aren't the same. I don't know if I could deal with the real reality of the situation. And that makes me want to be gone, it makes me feel like I can't live in this world. I hate this disorder, it makes me hate myself. 

Sometimes I feel like you love me. I would say I know you love me. You care about me and look out for me and I know that's true regardless of what you might say because you are there for me every single day. Lately this hasn't so much been the case. There are a lot of days lately where you only talk to me for a half an hour and then hang up on me. You always hang up on me. I think that might be your way of telling me that I am not important to you, that there is someone else you love more than me. That thought causes me so much pain. Sometimes it hurts so bad I feel like it's going to kill me. I know that behavior because I used to do that to Tyler. No matter what when you called I said "gotta go" and hung up the phone. 

You are my favorite person and that sucks because I really don't think that I am your favorite person. Sometimes I can just feel the hate seething out of you. I'm ugly, fat, poor, a loser, worthless, a nigger lover. But I don't feel like I am those things. I'm not young anymore, I didn't age very well, I was 200 pounds and now I'm one fifty but I still don't feel thin. I struggle to make ends meet and to keep up with my job and my bills. I eat too much fast food and don't take care of my diabeties. I do alot of things wrong. I don't take care of myself the way I should period. I just don't have the brain space to do it. I don't wake up thinking lets not take a bath or change clothes, I just don't even think of it sometimes.  

And when you call me a nigger lover it brings up all these feelings of defensiveness and then I feel guilty because what is wrong with black people anyway? My son in law is an awesome person. He is so good to my daughter and he deserves my respect for that. I don't want to date a black guy because first I am in love with you and second I haven't met another black man I'm attracted to. The only reason I dated Nate was because he was popular in highschool and on the football team and my ex husband knew him and I knew it would make him crazy. And it did. It made him so crazy. But eventually I just stopped caring about what my ex thought about me and I moved on. When an old friend from highschool asked me out I broke up with him. It took me 14 years after my marraige to move on but I did it. But that is honestly why I dated Nate and it wasn't a good relationship. It was easy because I knew when he was coming over and he always came over when he said he was going to but I didn't have any real feelings for him other than that. I was just too busy to care.

And then the chatline comes into play. You said this year it's going to be this way. You only talk to me half of the week and the other half of the week you barely acknowledge me. God that hurts so much and I just don't know why you do it. I have racked my brain trying to understand why you would do that to me. I think there must be someone else you spend time with, I know you talk to other girls but why did you stop calling me everyday? What did I do? It makes me think of what you said about shastas husband being gone and thats the only time you can talk to her. It makes me sick to my stomach. You get mad and say Im trying to control you but you won't let me have any friends at all. I don't understand that either. If you're off talking to other people why do you care what I do? I don't want to be intimate with anyone but you. I don't want to go private with anyone or go on the one on one to find someone to talk to. 

I know you get tired of me. You get sick of putting up with my shit. Today on the phone you just sounded so sick of me. And then in the middle of a conversation you just hang up on me. I don't do that to you. It makes me crazy. A definite trigger to call the chatline, a trigger to cuss and scream and cry. Sometimes I do those things when you hang up on me. A lot of times I don't, especially lately. I'm taking my meds more regularly and sleeping better at night or I was for a while anyway. I've really been struggling with that the last few nights. That could be my blood sugar being too high, I don't know.

one more thing

You say you think I'm talking to someone else but I'm not. Sometimes I find it rather hard to believe that you would care if I did, you've told me to leave so many times. Whether it's real or pretend, genuine or appeasing you are helping me and I love you for it. It means the world to me. I will always be grateful for what you've done for me and the way you continue to be here. I could never betray you.

See it's after 11 and I haven't heard from you and I've got that knot in my belly. It is so uncomfortable I don't want to be in my own body. I'm not going to freak out, I'm just going to ride it out. I am getting stronger.

Wtf? How did I miss 3 fucking phone calls? I was holding my fucking phone in my hand.

Round two

1) I need to take my meds regularly

2) I need to practice mindfulness and self care

3) I need to clean my space, get rid of the clutter that has gathered everywhere

4) I need to take better care of my diabetes

5) I need to get a better routine

When I moved across the street I split. Tanya harassing me, all my stuff screwed up all over the place, starting a job with so much more responsibility than I've had in years and smoking pot 24 hours a day on top of it. I just couldn't handle all of that at the same time. It broke me. 

You have been so good to me. You have loved me through it all. And still I'm so scared you're going to leave me. I'm so scared your going to leave me I constantly push you away. I don't want to push you away anymore.

I don't understand why after you've stayed on the phone with me for hours I feel so rejected when you hang up. Part of the reason is that you hang up on me. I wish you would say goodbye. I wonder though if the reason you don't say goodbye is because of how I react when you say it. I always make a deal of it.

I just want to feel secure in our relationship. I want to relax and trust that you aren't leaving me. I start having anxiety though and then think it's because of something you are doing to me. Maybe it's just anxiety and I need to try and accept that. 

I know you love me. I know you've gone to great lengths to make me happy. I know you've done more for me than I'll ever know. You've said things to me no one has ever said to me. You've had so much grace with me. You've touched my life so deeply. You get me to see things about myself I've been blind to my whole life. You are the ONLY person that has ever stuck it out with me.  EVER. More than my family, more than any friends I have ever had. And I don't know why. You truly love me unconditionally and I don't even know if I deserve it.

I also know you've done more to me than I'll ever know. I've heard people repeat ver batum things I've said to you in private. Texas said something about dark places, I only said that to you. Juanita told me I will never know how many people are listening to me. Rachel told me about kik and the chat lines online chatroom on the internet. I heard one guy say he knew my daughter was moving three states away. I didn't even know who he was. Shasta said she had to work on the chatline at 130 in the morning and I wondered was her job to listen to me? Was I really a joke from the beginning? Was this all really pretend?

Heather from Texas said "we" finally know what a fat ugly bitch you are. Who was we? Why did everyone on two different chat lines start being nice to me over one night? Why did Tyler only call me when you were avoiding me? Why did he beg me to stay off the chat line more than once? I know you listen to me and I find it comforting but do other people listen to me too? That would probably sound crazy coming from someone that is paranoid but in this situation it is definitely feesable.

I wonder sometimes if they all had my phone hacked, if some of them still do. I remember things you said to me and I've long since forgiven you. You apologized to me and have loved me hard,  but not a single one of them ever owned up to anything they did to me or tried to apologize to me. Or show me even an ounce of kindness.

I hate the Mormon so much. You know I didn't realize it at the time but that mf'r made me leave my phone in the car so I couldn't take any pictures of him. In reality though I think he just didn't want you to be able to hear us. That fat ass pot bellied fuck. And he looks just like warren Jeff's. His weak ass chin.

Shasta, Shayla, Heather and Texas. Brenda and Jennifer and Meghan and nunya. Candy and Randy and Dave that still lives in iowa. Those dumb trucker fucks that always had something to say. Angel, Juanita and their fucking crownies. Not to mention all those fucking cunts from the river. I'm so relieved that fat bitch party pig is dead. Now if Shannon and Matt, that old bitch with the fucked up voice and her fucking daughter and rivers mother would drink bleach and die it would be so much easier to let go of that chat line. Every single one of those motherfuckers and probably more took pieces of me. Embarrassed and humiliated me. Tortured me and then laughed about it. Everyone knew how fucked up I was, how mentally unstable I had become.

 I want them all to suffer for what they did to me. When I get sick though I just become consumed by thoughts of hurting them. The bigger the hurt the more I want to find and kill them. Gut them and dismember thier bodies. Fantasies of tying them up and forcing them to watch their sons and daughters being raped and decapitated. 

I will never be able to do anything to any of them though and that loss of control makes me want to strike out at them on the chatline, or get high, or hurt myself or do immoral things. Anything to make that pain go away.

That chatline is the only vengeance I will ever get and you always cock block me. I know that being on that chat line is its own kind of hell though so I hope they all stay there for the rest of their miserable little lives. And me going there and thinking of those things is the worst thing for me. The absolute worst thing. Look what it does to me just writing about it. It just floods me with pure hate and rage. I don't deserve to live with this. I have to find a way to let all of that go. This is what therapy is supposed to help me with. And the reason I do all the things I do to get better.

 I have thought very seriously about going to the FBI but I know what they would say and it wouldn't get me anywhere. I would just make a fool of myself. I have had enough of that to last a lifetime. 

I want to heal, like you said. I want to be able to deal with things I haven't wanted to face for years so I can move beyond this. It is definitely a barrier in my recovery. I think I could write on for hours but enough is enough for tonight. I know I wrote a book here tonight but I've still got more say.

I love you with all my heart

Sometimes I feel like a holy old sock though. You don't really want me around but you don't want to get rid of me though. I don't understand why though. Why do you need to ignore me half the time? Why aren't I good enough for you? You've got a hundred reasons you don't want me. Waiting is exhausting. Being ignored and brushed off hurts my feelings. I have so much more to add but I don't have time right now. I'm just tired. All I've done is work and sleep for days.

omg

Boundaries are set by me

I'm not ready to see something until I see it usually first noted by someone close to me Then I have to recognize it or acknowledge rather. Then I can think about how to do it. Then I practice it and practice it until I'm ready to work on the next thing. 

Marijuana is good for my introspection. It quiets the chaos in my head so I can think straight. I hope I don't flip shit tomorrow. I don't blame you if you need space,  I don't want that but I understand if you do. It's not good for you to be around me when I'm like this. 

I need a shake.

Let's see if she's going to blow it folks!

Hindsight is always 20/20 because you can't convince me in the moment that there is a problem. I have to be able to reflect to see where I've gone wrong. And it's not easy for me to see it. It takes me doing some stupid shit before I realize how off the mark I was. Talking shit, being obsessive, screaming or crying for long periods of time or doing something hurtful to myself.

Saying goodbye is a trigger for me. It's a reminder that you are leaving me alone. You are so right. I know I instantly become defensive because to me it feels like you don't want me or something, it becomes representative of how you feel about me in whole. This is just me owning some shit, ok? 

I think that maybe you don't say goodbye because you know how I'm going to react, maybe you already recognized that it's a problem and that's your best way of dealing with it. If that is true I can work on it. I can think before I say goodbye and learn to say "okay, I love you, goodbye" that might sound stupid but I do have to practice things like that because my auto response is "please don't leave me"

I am super insecure. I struggle with feeling unwanted everywhere in my life. That is trauma related. Being left, having other people chosen over me like my grandparents taking my sister but letting me be moved around between family foster and group homes. The thought of you choosing someone else over me just triggers all that I think. This is one thing I'm getting from being in therapy.

This is not a feel sorry for me thing. I honestly want to find some resolution to these problems of mine. I love you enough that I want to change these things about myself for me so I can be better for other people. I do the same thing to my kids but worse.

You've said a lot of truly powerful things to me lately, that have rocked me. Last night telling me that my crying is abusive. I never really thought about it like that before. A few days ago you said you were trying to be respectful of my feelings and you were.

You can't fix me. You make me feel better, you make me feel good, but that doesn't fix anything. I'm still a mess when it's time to say goodbye. I feel justified in being an asshole to you because you won't just stay with me and keep me feeling ok. I blame you for me not feeling ok because I refuse to look at the real reason, and honestly sometimes I just can't see it because my feelings do consume me at times. Good word choice because that's almost how it feels as if I am being eaten alive from the inside out.

I could scream and cry for you just hanging up on me but I am in the frame of mind today that it's not going to help anything. It's going to make things worse and I really don't want to do that. Yesterday we had a nice long talk and last night you even said you would sleep with me but I was just overwhelmed by this thought of you not wanting me. 

Some of that comes from you telling me how much better everyone else is, from me hearing you tell other women you love them in an open room. It hurts and I can still hear you saying it but I think you have been trying to change that. I've been listening, even if it doesn't seem like I am.

But when you told me it's time to heal. That hit me the hardest. Inside that thought there lies peace. A kind of peace I've only antiquated with suicide up till now. It is time for me to heal and move on from all this pain. To try and trust the universe or God or you. To trust myself that I won't always hurt this way. That you aren't going anywhere, and I don't have to be afraid.

I'm not going to lie though. I want to work on this but I don't know how hard it's going to be. What if I can't do it? What if I can't change this thing about me? Well there's this treatment place in Michigan that has an 8 week thing for people with BPD where you're emersed in groups and therapy that will help you heal. The waiting list is hella long but I think I should get on it, just in case.

I don't want to be this person. Desperately clinging to hang up calls, holding a little hope every minute of everyday that the phone will ring. I want you to be the frosting on a delicious piece of chocolate cake. Not the cake itself, if that makes sense.

I have begged God to help me, to be able to kill myself so I don't put the people I love through anymore hell but here I am still fighting to be a normal girl. Going to work, taking showers, putting food into my body. Things that seem so pointless at times.

There is so much more I could say but all of this has made me quite tired. I love you, I'm sorry I'm like this I truly want to change. I am going in for therapy again Friday and hopefully I will start the healing process. You deserve peace in your life, period. You continue to support and love me through everything. I could never repay you for the strides you've helped me make. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

I feel all fucked up

I'm twisted up inside. I'm angry but not at anyone. I want to cry but can't I'm just dry. I don't know what exactly is going on with me. I'm in a strange place today.