It krept in

This sadness kind of crept in and filled up all the cracks when I wasn't looking. It's ugly and sad and makes me look ugly and sad. I have so many things to be greatful for yet I am sad. There in lies the problem, we have to find the happiness in our lives or we won't ever know that it's there. Start by being greatful. Then decide what your future is going to look like. I'm going to have to get something to take care of all the ugliness around here though.

I will buck up, tomorrow is bound to be a better day.

God takes care

Tired, so tired but I can't sleep. I don't think straight but look straight ahead. I see broken bits of this and that's to sooth this daunting task of living. Little bits and pieces of things that would make my night softer but I fight it. I fight it because I feel the desperation looming there in the darkness. I felt it there a few nights ago, hiding in the shadows pushing me to engage it, pushing me to indulge. I knew it was the wrong thing for me, the wrong moment for me to give in but I did it anyway and afterward fell silent and got lost in a slumber that lasted. When at last I regained my senses I realized what a mistake it had been and decided to leave the rest to rest where I could watch them. I left them in a place where I could know that it was my decision every moment to leave them in that place. That's my proof that I am strong.

I say, do not cross me. I am THE crazy bitch. I won't stalk you, or destroy you, I won't infiltrate and annihilate, I do something much worse. I will cut you off. Never another thought will be offered in your direction. That's my proof that I am strong.

With Spring

It comes with spring, this invigorating jolt of newness. I am once again inspired to write. Writing isn't something I've had any time for since August but I'm pulling up and out of that area of heavy artillery in my life, and the desire to write has returned with a vengeance. Let me apologize in advance.

I've gone through so many changes over the last 10 years, swinging back and forth between ultimate fulfillment and contentedness to utter despair and longing several times. I'm on the up swing for now although I'm not counting any chickens, I haven't finished up my spring classes yet. But I feel real hope and direction, and those aren't things I've felt in a very very long time.

I can see a life for myself in the future now, one that is brighter than today. For a couple of years now I'd felt like my good times had past me by.

I had to get real with myself about the people in my life and let go of some things that were causing me pain. It's hard to accept that some things will never be the way you want them to be, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes the harder you try the worse you make it. And so you just have to clean up the wound as best as you can, dress it and leave it to heal. For years I've known I needed to this but I didn't want to let go of the hope.

Now that I've done it I really feel so much better. I think a big difference is my self esteem. When my self esteem was low it didn't bother me so much to be treated like an unwanted pet or a bad rash that had to be tolerated. I felt like I was lucky enough just to have someone care about me. But one day I realized that just because someone listens to you doesn't mean they care. I had to take a look at the way the people in my life were treating me and ask myself if I would treat anyone else that way, I wouldn't be able to do those things to someone. It feels good to know that I'm finally at a point in my life where I know I deserve better. It took me so long to get here.

When I look back on the girl I was even 15 years ago, well she's like a different person. She was scared to death of being alone but the woman I am today doesn't mind being alone at all because I know I am wahsum enough to sustain myself. She felt like she would be lucky to see her kids leave home and assumed she would wind up killing herself, she saw no real future for herself at all. The woman I am stopped hoping for a better future a while back and now knows she has a brighter future in store.

I'm no longer afraid to step into tomorrow because I know that god has my back. I've been so lucky to meet a few people along the road that really do believe in me and I've learned to believe in myself. I know that I have so many wonderful things to share with the world and the world has wonderful things to share with me and I'm finally ready for all of it.