My Sickness

 I am having so much anxiety today I just can't handle it. It's so bad I'm shaking and sweating. Wtf? I cant stand being inside my own body. I'm not exactly changing my number at least not until I talk to Chris. I'm really fucking scared that this is just a way for him to get rid of me. I hate this. Sticky vaseline mommy, please don't let me die. 

Confused

 You were so mean this morning and I have no idea why. I'm working so hard to improve myself. I was listening to recordings of me fighting with Shasta because I'm trying to process those feelings so I can move past them. And lilly and I went out to dinner, I didn't want you to hear something that would trigger you but it must have triggered you anyway. I don't know if I will ever be able to get you to trust and believe in me. I try so hard to be a better person. I know you see that. There's only so much I can do.

Crying on the inside like its raining on the inside

 I feel sick. I'm not going into work today. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for hurting you. I wish I could take back all those words. I love you and I don't want to fight with you. I become overwhelmed with jealousy sometimes and I get crazy but I'm pulling myself back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for acting like that. I'm starting to worry that I'm going to lose you. Not an excuse, that doesn't make me doing that OK. Why can't I text you? I just want to tell you how sorry I am. And I'm sorry I've gone on that goddamn chat line looking for you. Sometimes i get scared you won't talk to me if i don't. I don't know why i want to hear you talking to other girls. I do feel like I'm in competition with them. I feel like you care more about them than you do me. That hurts so much. I just want to be loved by you, just you. Nobody else will do. I just want to be loved by you alone. You talk about me talking to other guys and it kills me. I don't want to talk to anyone but you. I know you know that's true. I'm sorry I got all worked up this morning, I shouldn't have said anything about her. I have two separate thoughts about this going at the same time, it's called cognitive dissonance it's not just psycho. We have been doing so well but I have started slipping. Going on the chatline more and more often, crying and all that bullshit. I don't want us to end up back where we were. You work hard to make me feel secure. I work hard to make you feel that way too. I'm not talking to anyone but you. I love you. I'm sorry I continue to struggle with this shit. I won't go on that chatline today. I want to so bad but I know it will only make things harder for us. I love you and I appreciate having you in my life and for more than just a bedfellow. You are my friend and my love, my heart and my home. I don't want to be without you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to maintain our relationship.