And so it came

 I got a wonderful nights sleep. It felt so good. I hope my nights start going like that more often. I hate taking sleeping pills but I gotta do what I gotta do. I have to walk 2.5 miles to get cigarettes but it's worth it because I need them. I won't complain about it either because at least it's within walking distance. It could be worse. The more I get in my room the cuter it seems. I'm excited about that too. I'm feeling hopeful but not freely hopeful. I have some nagging things. Riding the bus.  Having my interview. What I am going to wear. Am I going to fuck this one up too. It used to be so easy to get hired anywhere but now I'm old and fat and ugly and nobody seems to want to hire me. The trade off is maturity, a motivation to be there on time, and experience. I think the latter would be much more important.

What now Brown Cow?

 You like that don't you? I didn't sleep one wink last night. I'll sleep later today, not worried about it. I'm not fucking around. Maybe your not either but I won't be talked to like that anymore, come what may. I think you're done with me anyway. I just wish I could sleep. 

About my failure....

 Okay so today was a little rough. I asked my family for money this morning. I didn't expect a round of applause, and I guess I'm not surprised by what I got from them. My aunt Ann was happy to send me a hundred, she said she wished she could send more. And then my Uncle said he would send me the whole amount which I didn't even ask for. But the other two? Nada. The funny thing about that is that they are the ones with money. 

 It's not the money. Lilly made my car payment for me AND bought me a pack of cigarettes. I just expected a little more support from them. Instead they were on the phone talking shit about me. Making up lies and shit. I didn't expect them to give me money, I was asking them. But of course Joan had to say that I asked her specifically for 300 but I didn't. I was very clear in my message that I was asking them all if they could each put some in on it. No No, Joan said I didn't ask anyone but her. Thank god I had already sent messages out to other people. 

What it is, is that she was always jealous of my mother but my mother died so she has decided to take it out on me. Any time I'm down she kicks me in the teeth. When Lilly was about 6 months old I had an appt to go to and I called and asked her if she would baby sit for me. She laughed and said "why would I do that?" What the fuck kind of thing is that to say. She could have said no she was busy, or she could have told me she didn't really want to babysit but she had to turn it into an opportunity to hurt me. Then there was the time when I walked into the back door at my grandparents house and I heard her telling my grandmother how lazy I was. And then when I was staying with Mary she told me that people like me end up in nursing homes. And now when I'm super vulnerable she tells people a bunch of lies. At what point is it ok to really cut someone off?

My Aunt Mary on the other hand. I don't blame her for not wanting to help me. I stayed with her 3 months and then just bailed on her in the middle of the night. After she gave me 500 for staying there. She got me clean and that's how I repaid her. I just wish that she would talk to me though. I told her whether she helped me or not I just wanted to talk to her. She's a funny one and hard to reach but she doesn't have malice in her heart where I am concerned.

I'm tired. I'm so tired and drained and feel like I could sleep for a lifetime. I have to remember that the only person who has to take responsibility for me and my feelings is me.

All in a days work

 I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks or says to me about my wellness. You think I'm stupid and you have no respect for me? Well that's fine you are allowed to think anything you want about me, that doesn't change my situation. You can go on and on about what a loser I am. I know where I am and what I've been through. You want to judge me for the way I spent my money, I did what I knew and that's all I knew. If I had known better I would have done better.

I need to start taking responsibility for myself. I know that. I'm doing little things right now and it's the most I can do right now. I live with the voices from my past everyday and I can't shake them. Shasta's laugh is right there too. Anytime I get worried about the way other people see me I hear that fucking laugh in my head and I'm right back in that room with all those people laughing at me, you included. 

Nobody read me stories at night, nobody cared if I took a shower or brushed my teeth. These are not things I can take responsibility for because I was a child. No one taught me how to do a fucking thing. But when I screamed and cried and threw a fit I got my way, I got help with things. That's the only time people paid any attention to me at all.

For 40 years I dealt with all of it. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I worked so hard to build a life for myself. I tried so hard to do the right things. I worked a full time job to support my children. When we didn't have enough money I found extra work and I did phone sex. I did all of this while raising my children and going to school at night. I DID THAT BY MYSELF!  

When I lost my job at Fort Dodge I came undone. The night I lost my job Josh brought me a bunch of dope and it did make me feel better. It was the help I needed in that moment. Of course I could have made better choices but I did the best I could in the moment. I didn't kill myself although that's what I wanted to do. In the 6 months I was on meth I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, that's when I started doing phone sex again and it was great at first. I loved opening up that part of me and just being heinous. It feels so good. I didn't realize the long term effects of that on the self esteem I had worked so hard to create for myself.

I haven't been right, haven't felt right since I lost my job. Imagine working for 6 years for a degree and then having someone take it away from you for something you didn't even know was a problem. What would you have done? What would Shasta do if someone fired her for no reason. She'd be fine because she has a husband to pay her bills, right. 

In all those years no one ever said anything about that fucking door and then I get fired over it. I haven't been able to move past that. It destroyed any faith I had in myself as a competent person. That's when I really stopped caring about my future. The way the school district treated me and the way they made me look completely incompetent, even though my supervisor knew about it and never said anything. Then when they looked into she said she didn't know about the door being that way. 

The school district didn't want to get sued so they fired me. The parent wanted to sue but would never have won because they dealt with the "problem" and that was that. There was nothing I could do about it. Other teachers had used that classroom before me and it was fine, my boss used it and it was fine, I used it for like 10 years and it was fine. But when that parent went to the AEA it was over. My boss could have stood up for me and told them the door had been that way but she chose to stick her head in the sand and pretend she knew nothing about the door.

That is what started the unraveling of me. I tried working at the lutheran school but the parents heard that I had been fired from Fort Dodge. They didn't know why and didn't try to find out either. They just ran with this and you know what it was like for me there. I did everything I could to try to appease those parents, I even asked to have a camara put in my room and then the parents sat and watched it all day so they could come in and complain. That bitch that sent her kid in to report what I was doing? You fixed that situation for me. No one ever did anything like that for me before. 

My family never wanted to help me out, they wanted me to fail. I was too busy to think about fixing my house up. And then when I wasn't busy I realized how bad things had gotten. I went to the bank to try to get a loan but they wouldn't give me one because of the condition of my house. It needed a new roof, new siding, new windows, new electrical, my garage was falling apart and I had a failing basement wall. It was too much for me to do on my own, even with the help of my children. My aunts and uncles I went to for advice and help and not one of them did anything to help me. They wanted to see my fail because my mother was crazy and I couldn't possibly be better off than their children. And that was and always has been the thing with my family. Jealousy, hate and sabotage. 

When I got my money when I was younger someone should have helped me figure out what to do with it. I really didn't know what I was doing and you are right, I did squander it away. I just didn't know what to do with it but spend it. After I finished school I realized how stupid I had been with my money but it was too late and I just wanted to hate myself for it anyway. I think you want me to be super remorseful about it but I'm not. It was way too much for me to deal with. Could someone have helped me with it, probably. But I'm not going to keep punishing myself for it. 

For the record I went to school. Night school. After working for 8 hours and making dinner for my kids. I didn't have anyone there to help me either. No parents around. No one to help me mow the yard or clean  the garage or rake leaves. No one to watch my kids so I could do my homework. No one there to pay half the bills. No one to help me with the girls when they had trouble. 

For Chris

June 29- I don't know exactly what I'm feeling today. Nervous, sick to my stomach a little. I should have gone to that interview at infinity yesterday. I think that would be a really great job. I'm fucking pissed off at that chick in the library. She hogs the computer room 12 hours a day, and now she hogs the bunny too and we can't even say anything about it. I wanna tell her to fuck off but instead I'm playing it cool. She's gonna get hers, let me tell you. She's too chicken to hit somebody I know that. She was running her mouth trying to get me to fight with her but I didn't and I won't. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it today and about getting a therapist. There are so many things going on with me that I don't talk about, that I need to talk about. That bitch kept talking about the games people play. She brings the bunny in here and none of us can see it or anything. She's a bitch, I'm gonna let it go. I don't give a fuck what you do anymore. Your an asshole and that's all to it.

June 25- I love you and I'm sorry for the things I said yesterday. I don't think you're on heroin. I don't think you don't work. I don't know if you were ever in a facility like this one but I wonder sometimes. I'm emotionally exhausted and I can't bear to fight with you right now. I feel like I'm scooping all of this foul shit out of my insides and it is wearing me out. I'm glad that I have plans to leave here for awhile tomorrow, and that I have some job stuff coming up. I am looking forward to having money again.

June 24- I walked 3.5 miles today to get a cigarette. That's crazy. I had a big fight with you. I talked a lot of mean shit to you and I'm sorry. You were being mean to me and I popped. If you don't like me talking to you like that you shouldn't talk shit about me either. I'm not just some homeless white trash piece of shit you tell people I am. 

The last 5 years have kicked my teeth in but I'm a fighter and I'm going to get better, stronger, more confident within myself and I'm going to be focused on what I'm doing now instead of letting my mind run rampant when I'm trying to accomplish things.

I have made so many strides in my life already. I get up out of bed everyday. I don't hurt myself anymore. I know you care about me and it's because of that I've been able to keep going and working to better myself. I do want you to be proud of me someday and I think that can really happen. Maybe not but I'm going to keep trying.

I'm stupid about shit because I have so many horrible things bouncing around in my head all the time. Being abandoned by everyone important in my life, being used as a punching bag, a dirty hole, a way to get money, a person to play house with as long as it stayed fun. No one wanted or cared about me. I held it together as long as I could and now that I've been totally broken down by life I am in a place where I am going to learn how to take personal responsibility for the way I think and the way I feel. I'm going to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, I'm going to build my confidence back up and deal with all the shit bouncing around in my head all the time. 

You don't have any respect for me and never will? Then go find Shasta because I will never be her. You can respect that bitch for believing abortion is wrong. I should have been aborted you know. I'm glad I wasn't but nobody wanted me and this is what happens to unwanted children. You know that too. She believes in funding the military and she believes that the police are good people. She called you a pedophile for a fucking year and some. And you'll still sit and say what a great person she is.  I'm not the only one with issues around here.

I am sorry for everything I said this morning. I was lashing out, just like you were. I know the things I say to you stick in your head just like the things you say to me do but I know that you understand me the same way I understand you. I know you get mad and say shit and want to take it back but it's too late to take it back so you try to commit yourself to what you've said. I'm not committing to shit here. I'm saying I'm sorry and I hope that you are sorry too. 

June 23- I fucking locked myself out in the middle of the night. That's what I get for smoking in the middle of the night. I had to sleep in the meditation room. It sucked. I'm sorry I was sleeping when you called me. I hate when that happens. I am going to try to talk to my dr. So I can get something to relax me without knocking me out. I feel like such an idiot. 🤯

June 20-I'm so disappointed I wanted to smoke my last bowl with you. 🥺

Ding dong the witch is dead

 Just heard from an old friend that my former boss passed away. Then she tells me she's been working out with her on the daily for a couple years. Wow I should be sympathetic and reassuring all I want to do is laugh. This woman played a huge role in the downfall of me. And when I really needed her she did not have my back. Am I a bad person for not being sad but feeling some kind of weird relief? This is definitely some therapy s***.

 Your past never leaves you. Every thought you have, every choice you make, every response you give is because of the experiences you've previously had. It's like building blocks, it just builds one layer on top of the other.

If you experience trauma it causes a ripple in the pattern. Maybe a missing block, maybe many missing blocks. You can't build a solid life for yourself if your missing half of the blocks. 

Blah

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