About my failure....

 Okay so today was a little rough. I asked my family for money this morning. I didn't expect a round of applause, and I guess I'm not surprised by what I got from them. My aunt Ann was happy to send me a hundred, she said she wished she could send more. And then my Uncle said he would send me the whole amount which I didn't even ask for. But the other two? Nada. The funny thing about that is that they are the ones with money. 

 It's not the money. Lilly made my car payment for me AND bought me a pack of cigarettes. I just expected a little more support from them. Instead they were on the phone talking shit about me. Making up lies and shit. I didn't expect them to give me money, I was asking them. But of course Joan had to say that I asked her specifically for 300 but I didn't. I was very clear in my message that I was asking them all if they could each put some in on it. No No, Joan said I didn't ask anyone but her. Thank god I had already sent messages out to other people. 

What it is, is that she was always jealous of my mother but my mother died so she has decided to take it out on me. Any time I'm down she kicks me in the teeth. When Lilly was about 6 months old I had an appt to go to and I called and asked her if she would baby sit for me. She laughed and said "why would I do that?" What the fuck kind of thing is that to say. She could have said no she was busy, or she could have told me she didn't really want to babysit but she had to turn it into an opportunity to hurt me. Then there was the time when I walked into the back door at my grandparents house and I heard her telling my grandmother how lazy I was. And then when I was staying with Mary she told me that people like me end up in nursing homes. And now when I'm super vulnerable she tells people a bunch of lies. At what point is it ok to really cut someone off?

My Aunt Mary on the other hand. I don't blame her for not wanting to help me. I stayed with her 3 months and then just bailed on her in the middle of the night. After she gave me 500 for staying there. She got me clean and that's how I repaid her. I just wish that she would talk to me though. I told her whether she helped me or not I just wanted to talk to her. She's a funny one and hard to reach but she doesn't have malice in her heart where I am concerned.

I'm tired. I'm so tired and drained and feel like I could sleep for a lifetime. I have to remember that the only person who has to take responsibility for me and my feelings is me.