hey you

I'm missing you already. I know you get busy with other stuff, so do I. Lately it's been a lot and I'm learning a bunch of new stuff for my job, dealing with this Tanya situation, spending a lot of time with my girls, smoking again (I still haven't decided whether it's good for me or not).  And I just want to listen to you play guitar for me. Muah baby, I love you!

My Honey Bunny

 I am worried about you. I just kept thinking about what you said to me last night and it scares me to death. I love you, I see so much good in you, I hope you see it in yourself. You are a ray of sunlight for so many people. I miss you sometimes, so badly. Yes, I would marry you today, tomorrow, next week. You already know that though. I do love you, I want good things for you. I want you to be happy and feel comfortable. I want you to feel the warm glow of love all around you, not cold and angry isolation. You give so much of yourself for other people, don't you see that? You are a precious entity. There is no one in the world like you baby. No one else makes me feel as comfortable as you do, no one else cares if I sleep or if I have good feet, or if I stay sober. Those things don't matter to anyone but you. I will always be here for you. Don't ever feel like you are alone in this. I got your back and I really mean that. As long as I am here you have an out if you need it. I will rescue you, if you need me to. I will. I don't care what you look like, I don't care about your past, I don't care what your nationality is, or if you've done drugs or not. None of any of that matters to me. All that matter's to me is that you are okay. I don't know what I would do if you suddenly left my life. I don't know how I would survive that. I know I would survive it but I wouldn't be worth a shit anymore. You are the power that drives me. 

I am ordering charger's as we speak. I'm getting one for the downstairs, one for the upstairs and one for my car. This should keep me charged up for awhile. I haven't been talking to anyone else or seeing anyone else. I have just been having a hard time keeping my phone charged. My wall plug died so I've been plugging into the computer which charges so slow. It's been frusturating but I haven't said anything about it because I figured you would just think it was an excuse. I've been going to hannah's in the afternoons a lot. 2 or 3 times a week. We eat, watch movies, hang out, whatever. That night my phone was out I had a flat tire and I was at her house with a dead phone. It was so fucking frusturating. 

I have a lot going on so I'm not as available but I want to talk to you. I want to laugh with you. I'm sorry I've been sleepy. I haven't been very consistent with my medicine lately and I've been doing a lot of recreationals. That doesn't change how much I love you though. It doesn't make me think about anyone else. It certainly doesn't make me want anyone else. I only want you. And I don't believe that you want to get rid of me. I'm sorry if I'm annoying sometimes, please forgive that. I am doing the best I can.

saturday morning

I wonder if you know how much I love you. It doesn't seem like it. I already applied for my medical license, you know that. And nobody handed me this job. I have worked so hard to build a life worthy of this job. You know that too. I'm not trying to get rich quick, I only get to work 10 hours a week. I don't get paid to drive, I don't get paid to do my paperwork which will probably be about 10 hours of work too. The only reason I even qualified for this job was because I went to school and got my bachelor's degree. I worked a full time job, went to night school and raised these girls on my own. Do you have any idea how hard that was? I worked for that school for 15 years. I was a respected member of the staff. I was in charge of 5 other adults in that classroom. I got rid of headlice of my students, got social security cards and birth certificates for the parents of my students so they could apply for benefits, I learned about black hair and how to take care of it and learned to braid hair so I could help all the little nappy headed girls in my class with their self esteem, I researched ways to help kids that picked their scabs and ate them because that was the grossest shit ever. I built an atmosphere where kids felt safe, and I mean really felt safe. I had kids in my class that were living with real life monsters and I did my very best to make sure they could all be safe at home too. I don't feel bad for "snitching" because I didn't turn someone in unless I felt like that kid was really in trouble. I would do it again in a heartbeat too. I didn't feel safe as a kid, you can't develop right if you're always worried about your basic needs. You don't get to experience the things other people do like joy and pride and accomplishment. I've picked nasty catshit off the backs of kids that grabbed the wrong shirt off the floor. I don't condemn parents that are struggling, or don't have all the skills other people do. I don't condemn parents that are doing their best even when it's not good enough because that looks different for everybody. I got little Ashton removed from his home because his mother was leaving him alone with a man that was putting a paper bag over his head and letting other people abuse him. I attempted to have pootholf removed after he came to school with a happy face lighter burn in the center of his back. I helped these two brothers get out of a meth fueled madness when one of them told me their stepfather was fucking him and telling him he was gonna cut his dick off and turn him into a girl to get him pregnant. I don't feel bad for snitching all those kids deserved to feel safe. And I could go on, not about that really horrible stuff but about building bonds with kids that superseded a normal child teacher relationship. Seeing usefulness in a kid that no one else is paying attention too. Showing it to them so they can recognize it in themselves and then watching them figure out how to build their own self esteem, or soothe themselves because no one else in their lives is able to. Those are things I care about and am passionate about. That's what this job means to me. It means working 2 part time jobs to fulfill myself. It means volunteering to do domestic violence calls to the hospital so a woman doesn't get pressured into something by the staff or the cops and letting her do what she needs to do to get right. It's about helping other people get to a place where they can start helping themselves. This is me. I'm not a meth whore. I'm not an evil snitch or a harlot. I'm your girl. The one that loves you. The one who is devoted to you. The one that would do anything for you. I love you with my whole heart. You mean everything to me. You don't have to test me to know that. And that isn't something that is going to change overnight. You are with me every second of everyday. I don't know why you aren't nice to me sometimes. Why you seem to get off on hurting me. Why? I love you, I love us together. When it's good oh how you move my heart. And you are a huge part of why I am where I am. You have pushed me to do better, challenged me to look deeper into myself to understand and resolve my inner character flaws, to climb out of the pit I had put myself in. It was really hard but you were with me every step of the way. I know you love me, probably way more than I deserve to be loved and I am grateful. I am so grateful that God brought you into my life. I don't know of anyone else in the world that would have weathered all these storms with me and I know how lucky I am to have you. I'm not ever going to take that for granted. EVER! I need to finish packing.