I'm a mill of emotion and sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all. I'm scared that I'm going to be broke and not be able to pay for my gas and lights, I'm scared that I won't be able to continue the lifestyle I've created for my kids and myself, I'm scared that next year when it's time to start school I won't have the money for clothes and that sort of thing.

I want to start school but I owe the college a hundred forty four dollars and they won't give me my transcripts without the money but I'm in a spot currently that I'm not sure I can pay my light bill let alone anything else.

Having a man around would make those things simpler, I'd have help but that seems to be the furthest thing from my mind right now. In fact I find that even a man attempting to enter the veiled sanctity of my personal life is enough to make me want to kill someone. I have crossed a line, temporary or not, that is 100% Asexual. and for the time being I'm fine with that too.

The situation at work is as fucked up as situations at work get with being falsely accused of stealing, reporting the person and have the stress and pressure of that situation. I'm just ready to hand it all over for a bit I think. Turn myself into a looney bin to stay for awhile. How convenient it might be for a heroine problem that required said amount of time in a cushy drug rehab. That is a horrible thing for me to say I know.

I just want relief, release of somekind. A way to see everything for simply what it is rather than what it might become. The only thing that seems to help these days is the doing of things. If I paint something, or fix something. If I plant something or clean. And so I keep doing these things hoping they will fix what is wrong with me. Because I know that there is something wrong with me. Something that lifted me up and I can see down, all the way to the bottom and that's a very long and scary fall.

My one and only prayer is that the lord walk with me right now, don't let me do this on my own.

i don't know if it really helped.