June 29- I don't know exactly what I'm feeling today. Nervous, sick to my stomach a little. I should have gone to that interview at infinity yesterday. I think that would be a really great job. I'm fucking pissed off at that chick in the library. She hogs the computer room 12 hours a day, and now she hogs the bunny too and we can't even say anything about it. I wanna tell her to fuck off but instead I'm playing it cool. She's gonna get hers, let me tell you. She's too chicken to hit somebody I know that. She was running her mouth trying to get me to fight with her but I didn't and I won't. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it today and about getting a therapist. There are so many things going on with me that I don't talk about, that I need to talk about. That bitch kept talking about the games people play. She brings the bunny in here and none of us can see it or anything. She's a bitch, I'm gonna let it go. I don't give a fuck what you do anymore. Your an asshole and that's all to it.
June 25- I love you and I'm sorry for the things I said yesterday. I don't think you're on heroin. I don't think you don't work. I don't know if you were ever in a facility like this one but I wonder sometimes. I'm emotionally exhausted and I can't bear to fight with you right now. I feel like I'm scooping all of this foul shit out of my insides and it is wearing me out. I'm glad that I have plans to leave here for awhile tomorrow, and that I have some job stuff coming up. I am looking forward to having money again.
June 24- I walked 3.5 miles today to get a cigarette. That's crazy. I had a big fight with you. I talked a lot of mean shit to you and I'm sorry. You were being mean to me and I popped. If you don't like me talking to you like that you shouldn't talk shit about me either. I'm not just some homeless white trash piece of shit you tell people I am.
The last 5 years have kicked my teeth in but I'm a fighter and I'm going to get better, stronger, more confident within myself and I'm going to be focused on what I'm doing now instead of letting my mind run rampant when I'm trying to accomplish things.
I have made so many strides in my life already. I get up out of bed everyday. I don't hurt myself anymore. I know you care about me and it's because of that I've been able to keep going and working to better myself. I do want you to be proud of me someday and I think that can really happen. Maybe not but I'm going to keep trying.
I'm stupid about shit because I have so many horrible things bouncing around in my head all the time. Being abandoned by everyone important in my life, being used as a punching bag, a dirty hole, a way to get money, a person to play house with as long as it stayed fun. No one wanted or cared about me. I held it together as long as I could and now that I've been totally broken down by life I am in a place where I am going to learn how to take personal responsibility for the way I think and the way I feel. I'm going to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, I'm going to build my confidence back up and deal with all the shit bouncing around in my head all the time.
You don't have any respect for me and never will? Then go find Shasta because I will never be her. You can respect that bitch for believing abortion is wrong. I should have been aborted you know. I'm glad I wasn't but nobody wanted me and this is what happens to unwanted children. You know that too. She believes in funding the military and she believes that the police are good people. She called you a pedophile for a fucking year and some. And you'll still sit and say what a great person she is. I'm not the only one with issues around here.
I am sorry for everything I said this morning. I was lashing out, just like you were. I know the things I say to you stick in your head just like the things you say to me do but I know that you understand me the same way I understand you. I know you get mad and say shit and want to take it back but it's too late to take it back so you try to commit yourself to what you've said. I'm not committing to shit here. I'm saying I'm sorry and I hope that you are sorry too.
June 23- I fucking locked myself out in the middle of the night. That's what I get for smoking in the middle of the night. I had to sleep in the meditation room. It sucked. I'm sorry I was sleeping when you called me. I hate when that happens. I am going to try to talk to my dr. So I can get something to relax me without knocking me out. I feel like such an idiot. 🤯
June 20-I'm so disappointed I wanted to smoke my last bowl with you. 🥺
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