I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks or says to me about my wellness. You think I'm stupid and you have no respect for me? Well that's fine you are allowed to think anything you want about me, that doesn't change my situation. You can go on and on about what a loser I am. I know where I am and what I've been through. You want to judge me for the way I spent my money, I did what I knew and that's all I knew. If I had known better I would have done better.
I need to start taking responsibility for myself. I know that. I'm doing little things right now and it's the most I can do right now. I live with the voices from my past everyday and I can't shake them. Shasta's laugh is right there too. Anytime I get worried about the way other people see me I hear that fucking laugh in my head and I'm right back in that room with all those people laughing at me, you included.
Nobody read me stories at night, nobody cared if I took a shower or brushed my teeth. These are not things I can take responsibility for because I was a child. No one taught me how to do a fucking thing. But when I screamed and cried and threw a fit I got my way, I got help with things. That's the only time people paid any attention to me at all.
For 40 years I dealt with all of it. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I worked so hard to build a life for myself. I tried so hard to do the right things. I worked a full time job to support my children. When we didn't have enough money I found extra work and I did phone sex. I did all of this while raising my children and going to school at night. I DID THAT BY MYSELF!
When I lost my job at Fort Dodge I came undone. The night I lost my job Josh brought me a bunch of dope and it did make me feel better. It was the help I needed in that moment. Of course I could have made better choices but I did the best I could in the moment. I didn't kill myself although that's what I wanted to do. In the 6 months I was on meth I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, that's when I started doing phone sex again and it was great at first. I loved opening up that part of me and just being heinous. It feels so good. I didn't realize the long term effects of that on the self esteem I had worked so hard to create for myself.
I haven't been right, haven't felt right since I lost my job. Imagine working for 6 years for a degree and then having someone take it away from you for something you didn't even know was a problem. What would you have done? What would Shasta do if someone fired her for no reason. She'd be fine because she has a husband to pay her bills, right.
In all those years no one ever said anything about that fucking door and then I get fired over it. I haven't been able to move past that. It destroyed any faith I had in myself as a competent person. That's when I really stopped caring about my future. The way the school district treated me and the way they made me look completely incompetent, even though my supervisor knew about it and never said anything. Then when they looked into she said she didn't know about the door being that way.
The school district didn't want to get sued so they fired me. The parent wanted to sue but would never have won because they dealt with the "problem" and that was that. There was nothing I could do about it. Other teachers had used that classroom before me and it was fine, my boss used it and it was fine, I used it for like 10 years and it was fine. But when that parent went to the AEA it was over. My boss could have stood up for me and told them the door had been that way but she chose to stick her head in the sand and pretend she knew nothing about the door.
That is what started the unraveling of me. I tried working at the lutheran school but the parents heard that I had been fired from Fort Dodge. They didn't know why and didn't try to find out either. They just ran with this and you know what it was like for me there. I did everything I could to try to appease those parents, I even asked to have a camara put in my room and then the parents sat and watched it all day so they could come in and complain. That bitch that sent her kid in to report what I was doing? You fixed that situation for me. No one ever did anything like that for me before.
My family never wanted to help me out, they wanted me to fail. I was too busy to think about fixing my house up. And then when I wasn't busy I realized how bad things had gotten. I went to the bank to try to get a loan but they wouldn't give me one because of the condition of my house. It needed a new roof, new siding, new windows, new electrical, my garage was falling apart and I had a failing basement wall. It was too much for me to do on my own, even with the help of my children. My aunts and uncles I went to for advice and help and not one of them did anything to help me. They wanted to see my fail because my mother was crazy and I couldn't possibly be better off than their children. And that was and always has been the thing with my family. Jealousy, hate and sabotage.
When I got my money when I was younger someone should have helped me figure out what to do with it. I really didn't know what I was doing and you are right, I did squander it away. I just didn't know what to do with it but spend it. After I finished school I realized how stupid I had been with my money but it was too late and I just wanted to hate myself for it anyway. I think you want me to be super remorseful about it but I'm not. It was way too much for me to deal with. Could someone have helped me with it, probably. But I'm not going to keep punishing myself for it.
For the record I went to school. Night school. After working for 8 hours and making dinner for my kids. I didn't have anyone there to help me either. No parents around. No one to help me mow the yard or clean the garage or rake leaves. No one to watch my kids so I could do my homework. No one there to pay half the bills. No one to help me with the girls when they had trouble.
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