Round two

1) I need to take my meds regularly

2) I need to practice mindfulness and self care

3) I need to clean my space, get rid of the clutter that has gathered everywhere

4) I need to take better care of my diabetes

5) I need to get a better routine

When I moved across the street I split. Tanya harassing me, all my stuff screwed up all over the place, starting a job with so much more responsibility than I've had in years and smoking pot 24 hours a day on top of it. I just couldn't handle all of that at the same time. It broke me. 

You have been so good to me. You have loved me through it all. And still I'm so scared you're going to leave me. I'm so scared your going to leave me I constantly push you away. I don't want to push you away anymore.

I don't understand why after you've stayed on the phone with me for hours I feel so rejected when you hang up. Part of the reason is that you hang up on me. I wish you would say goodbye. I wonder though if the reason you don't say goodbye is because of how I react when you say it. I always make a deal of it.

I just want to feel secure in our relationship. I want to relax and trust that you aren't leaving me. I start having anxiety though and then think it's because of something you are doing to me. Maybe it's just anxiety and I need to try and accept that. 

I know you love me. I know you've gone to great lengths to make me happy. I know you've done more for me than I'll ever know. You've said things to me no one has ever said to me. You've had so much grace with me. You've touched my life so deeply. You get me to see things about myself I've been blind to my whole life. You are the ONLY person that has ever stuck it out with me.  EVER. More than my family, more than any friends I have ever had. And I don't know why. You truly love me unconditionally and I don't even know if I deserve it.

I also know you've done more to me than I'll ever know. I've heard people repeat ver batum things I've said to you in private. Texas said something about dark places, I only said that to you. Juanita told me I will never know how many people are listening to me. Rachel told me about kik and the chat lines online chatroom on the internet. I heard one guy say he knew my daughter was moving three states away. I didn't even know who he was. Shasta said she had to work on the chatline at 130 in the morning and I wondered was her job to listen to me? Was I really a joke from the beginning? Was this all really pretend?

Heather from Texas said "we" finally know what a fat ugly bitch you are. Who was we? Why did everyone on two different chat lines start being nice to me over one night? Why did Tyler only call me when you were avoiding me? Why did he beg me to stay off the chat line more than once? I know you listen to me and I find it comforting but do other people listen to me too? That would probably sound crazy coming from someone that is paranoid but in this situation it is definitely feesable.

I wonder sometimes if they all had my phone hacked, if some of them still do. I remember things you said to me and I've long since forgiven you. You apologized to me and have loved me hard,  but not a single one of them ever owned up to anything they did to me or tried to apologize to me. Or show me even an ounce of kindness.

I hate the Mormon so much. You know I didn't realize it at the time but that mf'r made me leave my phone in the car so I couldn't take any pictures of him. In reality though I think he just didn't want you to be able to hear us. That fat ass pot bellied fuck. And he looks just like warren Jeff's. His weak ass chin.

Shasta, Shayla, Heather and Texas. Brenda and Jennifer and Meghan and nunya. Candy and Randy and Dave that still lives in iowa. Those dumb trucker fucks that always had something to say. Angel, Juanita and their fucking crownies. Not to mention all those fucking cunts from the river. I'm so relieved that fat bitch party pig is dead. Now if Shannon and Matt, that old bitch with the fucked up voice and her fucking daughter and rivers mother would drink bleach and die it would be so much easier to let go of that chat line. Every single one of those motherfuckers and probably more took pieces of me. Embarrassed and humiliated me. Tortured me and then laughed about it. Everyone knew how fucked up I was, how mentally unstable I had become.

 I want them all to suffer for what they did to me. When I get sick though I just become consumed by thoughts of hurting them. The bigger the hurt the more I want to find and kill them. Gut them and dismember thier bodies. Fantasies of tying them up and forcing them to watch their sons and daughters being raped and decapitated. 

I will never be able to do anything to any of them though and that loss of control makes me want to strike out at them on the chatline, or get high, or hurt myself or do immoral things. Anything to make that pain go away.

That chatline is the only vengeance I will ever get and you always cock block me. I know that being on that chat line is its own kind of hell though so I hope they all stay there for the rest of their miserable little lives. And me going there and thinking of those things is the worst thing for me. The absolute worst thing. Look what it does to me just writing about it. It just floods me with pure hate and rage. I don't deserve to live with this. I have to find a way to let all of that go. This is what therapy is supposed to help me with. And the reason I do all the things I do to get better.

 I have thought very seriously about going to the FBI but I know what they would say and it wouldn't get me anywhere. I would just make a fool of myself. I have had enough of that to last a lifetime. 

I want to heal, like you said. I want to be able to deal with things I haven't wanted to face for years so I can move beyond this. It is definitely a barrier in my recovery. I think I could write on for hours but enough is enough for tonight. I know I wrote a book here tonight but I've still got more say.