Confusion sets in

This is a hard one. I've been avoiding getting back to it because it lets my crazy show. I don't like to let my deep down crazy show. I'm embarrassed by it because I do take it seriously but I also know that I have a problem with paranoia. Sometimes I don't know the difference between fantasy and reality. I really don't. I have so many versions of reality in my head I don't know which one is real. Just when I have myself convinced its one thing, I realize it's another. Then another and another and another. I'm scared because what I want to believe and what seems most logical aren't the same. I don't know if I could deal with the real reality of the situation. And that makes me want to be gone, it makes me feel like I can't live in this world. I hate this disorder, it makes me hate myself. 

Sometimes I feel like you love me. I would say I know you love me. You care about me and look out for me and I know that's true regardless of what you might say because you are there for me every single day. Lately this hasn't so much been the case. There are a lot of days lately where you only talk to me for a half an hour and then hang up on me. You always hang up on me. I think that might be your way of telling me that I am not important to you, that there is someone else you love more than me. That thought causes me so much pain. Sometimes it hurts so bad I feel like it's going to kill me. I know that behavior because I used to do that to Tyler. No matter what when you called I said "gotta go" and hung up the phone. 

You are my favorite person and that sucks because I really don't think that I am your favorite person. Sometimes I can just feel the hate seething out of you. I'm ugly, fat, poor, a loser, worthless, a nigger lover. But I don't feel like I am those things. I'm not young anymore, I didn't age very well, I was 200 pounds and now I'm one fifty but I still don't feel thin. I struggle to make ends meet and to keep up with my job and my bills. I eat too much fast food and don't take care of my diabeties. I do alot of things wrong. I don't take care of myself the way I should period. I just don't have the brain space to do it. I don't wake up thinking lets not take a bath or change clothes, I just don't even think of it sometimes.  

And when you call me a nigger lover it brings up all these feelings of defensiveness and then I feel guilty because what is wrong with black people anyway? My son in law is an awesome person. He is so good to my daughter and he deserves my respect for that. I don't want to date a black guy because first I am in love with you and second I haven't met another black man I'm attracted to. The only reason I dated Nate was because he was popular in highschool and on the football team and my ex husband knew him and I knew it would make him crazy. And it did. It made him so crazy. But eventually I just stopped caring about what my ex thought about me and I moved on. When an old friend from highschool asked me out I broke up with him. It took me 14 years after my marraige to move on but I did it. But that is honestly why I dated Nate and it wasn't a good relationship. It was easy because I knew when he was coming over and he always came over when he said he was going to but I didn't have any real feelings for him other than that. I was just too busy to care.

And then the chatline comes into play. You said this year it's going to be this way. You only talk to me half of the week and the other half of the week you barely acknowledge me. God that hurts so much and I just don't know why you do it. I have racked my brain trying to understand why you would do that to me. I think there must be someone else you spend time with, I know you talk to other girls but why did you stop calling me everyday? What did I do? It makes me think of what you said about shastas husband being gone and thats the only time you can talk to her. It makes me sick to my stomach. You get mad and say Im trying to control you but you won't let me have any friends at all. I don't understand that either. If you're off talking to other people why do you care what I do? I don't want to be intimate with anyone but you. I don't want to go private with anyone or go on the one on one to find someone to talk to. 

I know you get tired of me. You get sick of putting up with my shit. Today on the phone you just sounded so sick of me. And then in the middle of a conversation you just hang up on me. I don't do that to you. It makes me crazy. A definite trigger to call the chatline, a trigger to cuss and scream and cry. Sometimes I do those things when you hang up on me. A lot of times I don't, especially lately. I'm taking my meds more regularly and sleeping better at night or I was for a while anyway. I've really been struggling with that the last few nights. That could be my blood sugar being too high, I don't know.