Don't read this

Selfish fucker. That's what you are. OK, I started this. You don't have to talk to me at all though. I am figuring this thing out and I have a feeling that once I get home you're going to stop talking to me again anyway. I am so sick of dealing with this shit every week or every couple of weeks. You can't talk to me more than 2 minutes without hanging up on me you fuck. I hope someone treats you like this, I hope someday you find out what it feels like to be me. I just heard you click out of the call. You are so fucking predictable. Yes I used the word predictable. I hope that this shit finds you the same way you let it find me. You say that I am mentally ill, yes the fuck I am because I am constantly being told that I am not good enough, everyone else is better than me. Well fuck you, I am good and worthy of my own accord. I have been having a lot of problems since I was stuck up in that. Fuck that, I've had problems my whole life. I can't deal with shit, seriously. I am alone and fighting this fight with no one but my children. You are not here for me, you haven't been here for me. You shun me, hang up on me, tell me about shasta or megan or anyone else that you actually love. Not me though. Until you want phone sex at 3 in the morning. Where the fuck are you? Why do you just leave me? I'm so worn thin. So fucking thin. You have no idea how difficult this life is for me regularly and then you start your shit and it gets nothing but worse. You play these fucked up games with my head just so you can spend all your time with other people. It's not like you don't know what this does to me, you know. You just don't care how you turn my life upside down when you stop talking to me. Maybe you are trying to teach me a lesson but you don't get that it's not that I don't want to learn or don't want to hear you. Sometimes I can't and the worse you treat me the less control I have over myself. You make the choices you make, take some ownership for the things that you do. Stop pretending like this is all in my head. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I don't want anyone but you dummy. You don't like my phone being off or me forgetting my phone or me wearing headphones. You won't let me wear headphones when I talk to you so that you can get everything we say to each other on record. You are fucking nutts. I think you are probably way nuttier and more fucked up than I even realize. You won't talk to me at all really other than to ask me for phone sex. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. You won't really talk to me about my day, you act disinterested in anything I have to say. You are so fucking selfish. I know that you think about me and try to make me feel good sometimes but it never lasts too long. You always find an excuse or reason to cast me out, shun me and make me feel like I am nothing. Go to sleep you fucking bitch. Can your friends see that.

You, trucker, randy, juanita, angel, buford, texas, heather from texas, Shasta, Megan, Rachel, That little mexican twat from texas, Brenda, I know I'm forgetting shit tons of people. You torture me with that shit, for what? For fucking what? 

I know you ask people to call me. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to be on the chatline. I don't want to fight with people. But for some fucked up reason it seems like you need that. You need that like you need to have me on the phone for a certain amount of time. I hate all you chatline fucks. You think for some reason that you are different than them? ARE YOU? You sure don't act like it sometimes. Putting me off like this over and over and expecting me to get better. Who the fuck raised you? How did they show you how to get what you want from other people? I taught myself, so did you. I can tell because you don't fucking do it right. 

When you want something from someone you are supposed to ask, not bully. 

When you tell me you are spending the night with megan and then disappear for the night, guess what? I lose my shit like you know I will. Then when I blow up or do something stupid you act like I am the crazy out of line one. You knew what was going to happen. You sick me on people like megan and then try to back talk that shit like, I never had phone sex with her. I don't even know Shasta, you lying fucker. You are all up in someone elses ass right now and want me to feel like I'm the one doing something wrong. But somehow you make me forget all about it. I don't give a fuck.

Heather said to me "Chris isn't smart enough to tap your phone, but I am. She said "We know what a fat ugly bitch you are now' and that's exactly what you wanted her to do. You wanted Shasta to laugh at me and publicly humiliate me. You wanted Angel to attack me over and over. You wanted Megan to throw it in my face that you are with her. You wanted that little mexican whore to talk shit to me. You want me to be emotionally battered and nothing so I stay with you. Guess what you fucking moron, I would stay with you anyway. I would love you anyway. You don't have to do all that extra shit. 

I'm alone and lonely. I am desperate for human connection. So you completely cut me off for 5 days and as soon I start to accept what you are doing you call me up like nothing is wrong. I don't deserve this. Or maybe you think I do because I want to talk on the chatline. I'm just waiting for your fucking ass to hang up on me nigger. and yes I called you a nigger. You must be a nigger because you acting like one. 

You always want to say a nigger destroyed my pussy. Fuck you. I am just a girl. I'm just a girl that gets overwhelmed with her feelings and doesn't know how to deal with them. I try but after you lie to me, and I know you are lying to me, you act like you care about me. Where is the care for me today when I am sitting in a nutt hut trying to get my life back together. 

You were right. I never should have started smoking pot again. You have no idea how enraged I was when you told me that only medical marijuana is legal in oklahoma. You've been lying about this shit the whole time? What the fuck is wrong with you?

You might not think so but I do love you. I try hard to love you but it always ends the same way. You disappear on me. You tell me about all the other girls you want to be with. You tell me how wonderful they are, how pretty, how rich, how good and then you tell me that I am shit in comparison. You want me to start comparing you to other people I"ve been with. I wouldn't do that. It doesn't work anyway because you have to judge someone on their entire self, not just the parts that seem important to you. 

I know in the morning, if you call me, you will hang up nearly immediately. That is if you call. I need it I guess, but why do that? WHY? Punishing me for wanting a friend? Punishing me for trying to talk to someone on the chatline? I'm not allowed to go there but you can? You can phone fuck every fucking dirty cunt in this fucking country but if I talk to someone about food I'm getting punished. And you do this to so many women, and you do it with a clear concious. You say you love me? then show me you love me and stop doing this to me, or at least be honest with me about what you're doing and why your doing it. I deserve that because I am a loyal bitch you rotten fucker. I am loyal and that is so much fucking more than I can say for you.

I deserve respect for that. Just like I needed my children to show you the respect you deserve. But I don't? If I do something that pisses you off just say something. Set a boundary with me so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I think you try ot do that but I don't hear you sometimes. I don't know. I don't know if this will ever be. 

I have needs and