I've got a lot to think about

Wow. Thanks for that. Your mad that I spent 2 minutes on that chatline. And you are mad. You just told me you wanna be with Megan. And at first I was so insulted and angry. I thought about you saying you don't want to talk to me. What do I do with that, it hurts. I love you and want more than anything to touch you, or to feel you touch me. Not just in a fucked up phone sex way but in a head on my chest kinda way. That's how I feel about you. I love you with every spec of dust in my heart.

After I had a little time to think about it I actually feel a little proud. Proud that you feel like you can finally trust me enough to tell me the truth. Or a little of the truth at least.

You're sick of worrying about me going out there and acting stupid. You stopped listening to me which hurts more than anything. I always felt safe with you right there with me. It's felt different like when you got together with Shasta, and when you got with Texas the first time. I get it. You need a lot of affection and attention. You need that and I need so badly to give it.

 I don't really know how to describe this but when I have an emotional reaction to something that is the only thing in my world. Pleasure is one you know about. Pain is another one you know about. And happy. And angry and scared. Yeah you know pretty much all my emotions.

Anyway I understand you wanting to talk to other people. Don't put it in my face, don't talk about her or tell me how much better she is than me, how much younger or prettier or sweeter or whatever than me. That drives me out on the chatline. 

I have to be enough on my own. I have to be ok regardless of what you're doing. What you do when you're not with me is none of my concern as long as you stop hanging the fuck up on me all the time. That also triggers me to want to call the chatline.

What happened to an occasional phone call in the morning that lasts longer than 7 minutes? You asked me why I say you quit talking to me and that's why. 

And you can just get over this little temper tantrum of yours though because I put up with enough of your shit that I deserve a little grace once in awhile too. 

I love you. I have loved you since the day we met and I'd marry you tomorrow if you'd have me. I know the chatline is your life and I don't know if you could give it up but I don't think I would care. I could live with that. I'm not going to convince you of anything though. You've got your reasons. 

You want to kill yourself? You've got your reasons but you can't leave me that way. I'm sorry I say it when I get upset. Really what I mean is I wish I could just disappear. I wish I didn't have to face my struggles anymore. I'm just ready to give up. Not all the time but when I can't stop crying. Ugh. It's embarrassing to think about.

We have to try to find the high ground. It's there, I can feel it. And I want my girlfriend status back. No line of bitches, just girlfriends. I miss you.