I hate myself

Pot, move, start a new job, tanya, move again. Nothing in my life is right. It was before I moved and started smoking pot. I just feel like I've taken so many steps backwards. I was on my way to greatness and now I feel like I've thrown everything I cared about away. I don't know how I am going to recover from this, or when. I'm so sick of fighting. I'm sick of getting up every day and trying to make things work. Trying to fight the good fight, trying to make ends meet, trying to stay high, trying to eat--forcing myself to eat lately. I'm tired and I just want to give up. But there is no way to give up and somehow meet my needs at the same time. If I give up all of the shit that's chasing me is going to roll right over me. And yesterday? That was insane. I was insane. Why would I do that? I know what is at stake. 

There are 2 people in my whole life, well maybe three, that loved me unconditionally. It doesn't matter whether I'm good or not good Chris always had me. He was always there for me, even when no one else was. It doesn't make sense then that I turn on him when I'm angry. I have a feeling that's part of the reason I went on the chatline yesterday, to get all those horrible feelings I was having out and away from me. To put it on to someone else like Shannon or Champagne. Let them have all those ugly feelings. If two people ever deserved that shit its them. 

And then the door dashing incident. I will be lucky if I don't get kicked the fuck off door dash. Or if I don't end up getting beat the fuck out of by one of these people someday. It's a lot of work staying on top of things, especially when I'm high all the time. I was so much better when I wasn't smoking. I just don't feel like I can now and I don't know why. I'm feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I thought pot brought back the comfortable me. I'm comfortable when I'm high. No anxiety, nothing stresses me out. But look at me when I don't have the shit, I'm a fucking wreck. If this is how it is after 2 days what am I going to do at 3 or 4?

And my meds? Fuck man. It's a fucking mess this life of mine. I don't blame Chris for wanting to be rid of me. Friday night he made me feel so fucking special, wonderful, perfect. Now he hates me and wants me to kill myself. He will never forgive me for the things I said and did. Chances are when I'm upset I will say and do those things all over again. I can't expect anyone to live this crazy with me anymore. 

I love him so much. He means everything to me and now. I can't anymore. I can't keep doing this to him or my children. He's right when he said they would be relieved. They would be in so much pain for a minute. I was. But in the long run it will be better for them. It's the only way I will ever stay away from the chatline and avoid fucking up my life any more than I already have. How can I possibly ever make this a life worth living? 

I can't kill myself, I've tried. I just can't do it. I always think of my kids and what their reaction would be when they find out what I've done. I don't think I will ever be OK. I am always going to struggle with these emotional problems. Please god, someone help me. I just want to be able to live without everything falling apart. 

I have to quit smoking pot again. Saying goodbye to literally the two things that mean more than anything to me? I might as well be dead.