Alone in the pigpen with all the pigs

 You've left me alone with all these perverts. I can't believe that you did this to me. This hurts more than anything you've done before. I can't believe that you just stopped caring. It hurts and it hurts bad and the last few days have been really hard without you for some reason. I was feeling better, not over it but I was feeling better but the last few days I just wanted so badly for you to be there. I'm doing the best I can but I've been getting more feedback from these jackasses and I don't know how to get from there to where I need to be to truly end this nightmare that I've become a part of. Unfortunately I'm afraid that the only people reading this blog now are the perverts. 

Chris I miss you so much. I want so badly to get back out there and look for you, I know right where to find you if I want to look but I've been fighting that off. I don't think you want me on the chatline, I told you that I won't be one of those sorry ass bitches that follows you from place to place. I had to stop. I need to hurt myself to help with this pain but that isn't what I need. It would be so much easier to just cut the fuck out of myself and forget but I would have to carry those scars for the rest of my life.

I wish we could love like we did once. How do you feel knowing that I'm out here and I don't lean on you for anything anymore. It's fake at this point. It doesn't mean anything at all that I'm not talking to you because I still want to talk to you. I would be talking to you if you called me but I know you aren't going to do that. You are preoccupied by other people now and I'm just a memory. You aren't a memory to me. You are still the person that stuck it out with me when things were at their worst. I love you just as much today as I did 2 years and 7 months ago. I hate myself.