It's been awhile but when you're ready you're ready.
I had an epiphany in the bath tub this morning. My ex husband might have just been acting out of human nature rather than being a demon from hell sent to destroy me. I don't say this lightly. Anyone that knows me well knows the amount of hate I hold in my heart for that man. They are also then aware of the effect that hate has had on me and my personal life. Obviously I've wanted to let this go for some time, it has been over 10 years after all. He's remarried, new child. My kids are grown, why would I want to hang on to this anger? How do I let go?
A friend was talking about the situation with her parents. Very similar to the situation with my ex husband. She said she wished her mother would take responsibility f9r the role she played in the relationship, so I began looking at my responsibility in my own marraige. What role did I play in this very abusive relationship. I was surprised by what I actually found.
I loved him, devoted myself to him and I wanted to prove it to him. I thought that if I took everything he threw at me, if I stayed (as long as I stayed) it was proof of how much I loved him. The more bullshit I put up with, the more I loved him. I just realized though that he never saw it that way. What I was trying to say was "I will love you and be here for you no matter what" but what he heard me saying was "you can do anything you want and I will still be here"
I have to examine that. What message should I have been trying to send? How should I have gone about sending it? I wish someone had told me at that age that I was allowed to have my own expectations. I don't know if it would have helped or not, as an adult I walked into the same trap with someone else. But that's why I examine these thoughts, feelings, and choices. I want a healthy loving relationship with someone that supports and encourages me. Now that I'm aware of this it should be easy to weed out the people in my life that don't do this. I really hope it's that cut and dried.