met ze monsta, tweren't that great

Roughly a year ago I got involved with the first black man I ever "dated". I don't know if you can call what we did "dating" exactly. He did take me out for dinner once, and I met his family once just as he met my children once as well. But this was over the course of a six month period of time. The one thing we did religiously was fuck. Can I say that here?

Nearly every sunday night for 6 months he would show up with that great big black dick in hand, ready to give me a long strong 3 or 4 hour work out. It was such an exhilirating time for me. Here was this beautiful man, looked like he'd been chisled by the hand of god himself. His skin like butter so creamy and smooth. His muscles like rocks. And he wanted me more than any other man had ever wanted me before. He couldn't get it in me fast enough, or deep enough, or for long enough. His appetite was insatiable and I loved it.

But then I met someone that seemed to care about more than getting me in bed one night a week and I lost interest completely. I took such delight in the fact that he continued to call me nearly two weeks after I had broken it off with him. I just couldn't believe the lengths this man would go to to secure himself a piece of ass once a week. But by this time it was quite obvious to me he had some sort of sexual addiction to the likes of which I was just one fix. This saddened me greatly but I reaped the benefits of it for quite awhile anyway.

I haven't seen him since june but he still calls. I just got off the phone with him in fact and wasn't at all surprised that he asked me to come and get him. When I said no he offered to let me spend the night there at his parents house. When I said no to that he said we could just do it in the car. It's not flattering anymore. It's not exciting or hot or special. It's like the finding out of santa and how things are just different after that. That is exactly what it is like, there is just no going back. It makes me sad for him, and for me.

See I fell in love with the person that he wanted me to think he was. I really believe that on some level he wanted to be that person more than he wanted me to think he was that person. Even tonight on the phone he was putting on airs that didn't belong to him. But I could tell he wanted the stories of big careers in big cities to be real. And honestly there is love here for him to achieve all his hopes and dreams.

I certainly don't hold anything against him, I just know that I deserve better than all that. I know there is a lot I have to learn. I still hate myself an awful lot and really don't know how to let myself feel like I deserve something better, I just know it in my head. This is something I haven't been able to "fake it till you make it" on. I obsess over unhealthy things as a way to divert my attention from any chance of pursuing real relationships. I'm sure the people close to me know this already.

In short? I fucked king kong and found out that there is more to life than great sex.