Inconsistency is a bitch, or am I???

I am a lover of routines and schedules. If you can get me into the habit of something well I'm hooked. I love ritual type things that are methodical.

What did I like about meth? in truth I believe it was the ritual more than anything. The laying it on the table, chopping it up, lining it out, separating it for everyone. It was that ritual that I so enjoyed.

I eat grapefruit with salt for breakfast everyday. If I don't have the grapefruit I eat nothing. Why??? I take it out, slice it in half, salt both sides, get my spoon out and carry it to the living room. Again, everyday the same. It makes me feel secure in some weird way. But like I said, without the grapefruit there is nothing.

The shiesty thing about being a slave to the routine is that if IT gets f*ed up YOU get f*ed up. When I get used to something like grapefruit for breakfast I am unprepared to go without it. I begin to depend on that grapefruit as a daily marker or reminder that I am grounded and in control. Without it I feel lost and confused. Of course I am being over dramatic. The loss of a grapefruit doesn't ruin my day, but it does have an underlying impact on the way I feel in general. Something will feel off to me, I will start my day mismatched and it will be harder for me to "get it together" when other things come up.

What do I do to combat these problems? I make motherfucking sure I got my grapefruit in the fridge at night before I go to bed. I have gone to walmart at 11 pm to ensure just that as well. Why do I go to such lengths? Because I've gone without my grapefruit before and I don't like it. I've learned and accepted the fact that there is something about me that needs it, so I just make sure I have it. I was much much worse with cigarettes before I quit smoking.

So what about the rest of my life? What about work? How can I deal with it? Well let me just say I barely do. When things are left up to me they seem to run quite smoothly. There are no huge blow ups, people work and get it done. The kids feel like they have something to be proud of at the end of the day which perpetuates the positive feelings into the next day. Unfortunately for me, things are rarely left up to me. Things are often up in the air and all over the place.

I am not the only one that feels comfortable settling into a routine. The kids love it too. They are not so agitated and irritable when they are in their seats and focused on their schoolwork. It is when they are encouraged to get up and walk around the classroom, when they are left to their own devices that the problems arise. You would think that this would be visible by everyone involved.

The only person in the classroom that doesn't seem to understand this is the teacher herself. She discusses personal issues in front of the kids, she is indecisive with them and tells them not to listen to other staff members. She asks them to get up and dance or call their parents and when fights break out she cries victim, and claims they are just terrible kids. She blames the kids, and even me for the problems that go on in the room. Sometimes I just want to quit.

But then I look at a 5 year old who is afraid he's going to be living in his car if his grandparents kick his mom out of the house, or the 13 year old who has been brainwashed into hating his mom whom is probably the most stable adult in his life, or the 11 year old who's mother was murdered and probably only gets hugs here at school. There is just no way I could abandon these children.

So I go into work again this morning with hopes of maintaining some type of balance and control in our classroom. Wanting to tell this woman to just shut up and let the kids learn something. But instead just sitting at my desk waiting to dealing with the fallout of her inconsistency. Because I am the one that has to sit on these kids when they blow up.