Every once in awhile I get a sneaking suspicion I'm doing this shit right

Sometimes I want to second guess myself. Hell, I do second guess myself. The whole time I'm doing this I have a terrible nagging feeling, but when I follow my impulses I get much further much faster.

Suze was just being so nasty during chore time tonight. She said to me "well I don't see you doing anything" and then I caught her sitting on the couch watching tv. These are things that we just don't do. I thought it over for awhile. Part of me just wanted to let it go, it really wasn't that big of a deal. But that nagging feeling kept telling me that it starts in the little things, and that cool and calm consistency is the best way to teach. When she had finished her chores and came in to sit down I told her the news: she was going to her room for the night. Earlier tonight she asked if she could have a friend stay the night tomorrow because there isn't school the following day, I said no problem. So I warned her that if she argued or made a fuss about going to bed early she would lose her sleep over. She went quietly to her room without a word in opposition. She came out a little later and apologized for being rude to me and then went back to her room. Hence today's title.

I think it's important for me to follow that pulse inside me regardless of what anyone else has to say or think about it. About 3 months ago I was in a relationship with someone I cared about. We went out for dinner one evening and I bumped into another guy that I knew from work. I had always had a good repertoire with this guy but on this particular day something was different between us and I just felt like we were pulled together in just a couple of minutes, right in front of my boyfriend. It was such a natural and instinctual thing and I haven't felt so sure of anything in a very long time.

There are circumstances surrounding that situation that have made it impossible for us to be together at this time. Morally I feel that it would be wrong and it could cause me a lot of problems period. At the same time though my feelings for this person are very strong and I had no choice but to break up with my boyfriend. I couldn't stand to be with him while I was wanting someone else, it just felt so wrong to me.

So I see this guy everyday at work and it's really hard. He says things to me, I want to say things back but I can't. It's so hard. The intensity of the feelings are likes waves, they ebb and flow but they never leave and he is rarely far from my mind. It kills me to not be able to share my feelings with him but I will maintain my class and dignity in this situation by being patient and cool about all of it. But I refuse to let it go.

My friends that I love and trust more than anyone else in the world tell me to leave this be. They tell me it's a bad situation for me and that I can't pursue it. They tell me I need to just let it go. And then they dismiss me. It is infuriating. I love them and know they want what's best for me, I understand that this situation from the outside looks really really bad. But I feel like they should know me well enough to know that I already know what is at stake in this situation. I feel like they should know me well enough to know I would never do anything to jeopardize the life I fought so hard to create for my daughters and I. I feel like they should be supportive even if they don't agree because they have faith in me and it hurts that they don't.

This situation I'm in is hard enough just being what it is, the fact that now I have no one to express those feelings to makes it seem even harder. I tried to make these feelings go away, but they won't. and why should I have to make them go away? I deserve the happiness I think could come from this situation. I have sacrificed so much and suffered so much, I feel like this could be a gift from god. or not, but I'd like the chance to find out. I owe it to myself to find out.

and in the end I go back to where I started because I'll be damned if every fiber in my body screams at me to stop and wait for this one. STOP AND WAIT FOR THIS ONE. So in the end I will do what I feel in my bones is the right thing to do. Maybe this will destroy my life as I know it, maybe it will break my heart but I will know that I was true to myself and honestly that is what is most important to me at this point in my life.

Wow, and that was just one day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.