why do i feel embarrassed?

My ex beat me for 14 years. The first time he hit me we had only been together for a month. He punched me in the center of my back and he knocked the wind out of me. I was scared because I couldn't catch my breath, I was hurting, and I felt so sorry for him because he didn't mean to hurt me.

Everytime we fought I would cross this line that he drew in his mind and then he would have to hit me for it. And everytime I would cry and beg him to forgive me for crossing that line. Sometimes the line was screaming in his face, other times it was not getting out of a chair when he told me to. The woman I am now doesn't understand this, but then it made perfect sense to me.

We knew a lot of people over the years, had a lot of friends and neighbors over time. His friends were always right and more important than me, he would tell me how much better they were than me. I would make a friend and he would tell me how bad they were for me. According to him they were obsessively jealous of me, or wanted to use me, or talked about me behind my back. He told me that people laughed at me when I wasn't around because of things he would tell them about me. I felt like the whole world was against me, that I should be embarrassed for being alive.

I still see these people sometimes. Yesterday at the grocery store I saw 2 shadows from my past. One was the brother of one of the women my ex cheated on me with, another was a man that lived down the street from us whose wife told everyone in town that I was an emotional wreck after I tried talking to her about some of the problems I was having at home.

I tried over and over to reach out to people around me but I was caught in his manipulative trap. There were a couple of people that really did try to help me but he had my head so screwed up I just couldn't break free. Looking back at certain situations I sometimes wonder if even what I believe today is true. Or maybe I was just the pathetic joke he told me I was. I know I didn't have a backbone of my own. The one person that I relied on to lead me through my life was using me as a whipping post in every definition of the term.

I have started a new life with my children. I have new friends, a great new job, and I believe in myself now. I am done looking for someone else to let me know that I am okay. If you don't like me, get the fuck on. If you think your going to mistreat me in anyway, get the fuck on. I just don't put up with that shit anymore. But I decide for myself who is positive and who isn't. I don't take anyone elses word for it anymore.

Even through all of this though I still feel embarrassed when I see people from my past. Embarrassed and angry, abandoned and misunderstood. I don't know how to get passed that other than to pretend like I don't know these people when I see them. I have been forced to speak with a couple of them on a couple of occassions and it usually pushes me into a panic attack (from the post traumatic stress syndrome I acquired from the abuse). This is just another aspect of my life affected by the abuse and another thing to add to my list of things that I need to take up with a therapist. (or blog about untill it doesn't bother me anymore)