All good things come to a pause?

 I am devastated. But I will live through this. I'm going to do this different this time though. I want so badly to go out on the 5700 and cry and beg you to talk to me but it gets me nowhere. I told you before I think that anyone that intentionally exposes themselves to that bullshit has mental issues. I won't put myself through that anymore. 

I miss you, god I miss you so much I'm dying inside. But I have to listen to you and respect your feelings. I don't want to but I have to. This is about personal responsibility. I have to take responsibility for myself now. I'm really scared to do that. But I'm not going to let Tyler take over where you leave off. I'm just not going to do that so you can tell him to stop calling me. 

I'm doing this on my own and I'm doing it for myself. Maybe someday you will see for yourself how much I change my life. Or maybe you will see me fail, or maybe you won't see anything at all. But I still have to do it. I have to find the will to do it for me. Tonight I'm filled with dread and anxiety. I can't believe you aren't going to go to sleep with me anymore. It hurts so bad I don't know how to get through it. I wish that you understood me more. I wish that you didn't take every thing I say so personally. But how can you not. 

It felt like you were poking me to do that though. It felt like you were trying to get me to blow up so you could get rid of me. That might not be right but that's how it felt. God I wish you would give me another chance. Even if you just need a break from me I wish you would give me another chance. I can't bare the thought of never talking to you again. It does make me want to hurt myself but I know that's not going to change anything. It's certainly not going to make me feel any better. I'm not ready for this but it's happening anyway. It feels like a death, it honestly does. I feel like a part of me is dying with it. I'm so fucking sorry.

I want to threaten you, go after all your little girlfriends, listen to you, How can you just walk away from me? You can't really hate me. You can't, I know you don't hate me. I do know that you can't take anymore of the craziness. I can't either. I need a break from it. I have to give you a break so I can have a break too because I need to stop focusing all my attention on you. I need to focus on myself and really getting my shit together. Just please don't stop loving me altogether. Please hold a place for me in your heart. What we have is special and you have been the most important person in my life for a very long time. I know you see that. 

I am seeing a therapist now and I'm going to a codependency group. I'm in a treatment facility that has different groups everyday. We have big group on Monday nights where we talk about what is bothering us currently. On Tuesday we have a group on codependency, Wednesdays is about self love and self esteem, and Thursday is about mindfulness and dealing with anxiety. We do exercises and activities about all that stuff. It is a wonderful place and I'm lucky to be here. 

They want me to go to NA but I don't have a problem with narcotics or alcohol. But on Wednesday nights in Iowa City there is a group on sex and love addiction that I will benefit from a great deal I think. I can't imagine never hearing your voice in my ear again. "Heidi" Every where I went today I thought of you, I saw things that reminded me of you. I heard that song wicked game in my head all day too. You say you hate me but a month and a half ago you were telling me how much you loved me everyday. I just want to feel better. 

I don't want to need you this way. I don't want to miss you so bad I feel like dying. I have to figure out what that's about. I'm going to you know. I'm going to figure out why I do these things and I'm going to fix it. Even if we never speak again at least I won't put myself or anyone else through what I've put you through.  I want to keep going but I don't even think you are going to read this. But I hope you do.