A Day to Smoke

 I feel empty tonight. I'm just sad and feel like I'm going to fail at this. I can't, I don't want to go to a fucking homeless shelter. No fucking way. Catastrophizing. That's what she called it. Fuck her and fuck that. I did not deserve to be talked to like that. I was worried and I shouldn't have to worry about things like that in my own room. It was the same feeling I got from her sitting behind me going off on me. I tried to be nice to her, tried to be friendly but it didn't get me anywhere. She's a nutty fucking bitch, much nuttier than me. I'm so glad she wasn't in here tonight though. It feels so good to get the day off me and since apparently I'm not allowed to talk about it to anyone this is a good second option. 

What really pissed me off is that she lied and said she didn't do it and Jennifer believed her. That's bullshit. She basically accused me of lying. I didn't lie. I don't lie. I tell too much of the truth. She can suck the shit out of my ass, for real. I hope they aren't monitoring this although I'm pretty sure they are. They check our rooms. I need to clean my mirror, it was like that when I moved in and nobody cared. 

Lessons I got from today are ignore her and if she starts causing me trouble I'll just record her bitch ass. And that's exactly where that is. It's crazy to me though, she is fucking wackadoo. A wackadoodle. And she's very dangerous. I see that plain as day. But I'm going to ignore her from now on no matter what. And Jennifer dislikes me, I think because I told people that I had been waiting since August. That's the truth though. I had been waiting since august. I never banked on this place anyway. I was waiting on the Abbe center. And their services were absolute shit. Absolute Shit.

I knew there was a reason that I wanted to work with the homeless. I say this as if they are different from me but they are different from me. I haven't completely given up on myself and most of them have. I could have chosen to stay at the homeless shelter so I could keep smoking pot. I don't want that for myself though. I want to work, I worked religiously all my life until I lost my job at the school. I had some great jobs too. I think this is going to be a great job. And every liquor store these days has marijuana shit in it. Both my kids smoke and I know better than to do that here. I need this place even though I'm starting to think they don't care about us nearly as much as they say they do. 

That shit earlier, I can't get over how fucking rude this bitch was to me. And Lucia gets paid to come here after hours but Jennifer was doing exactly what Dawn was doing. Bully me until I shut up. Yell or Raise your voice at me until I just shut up and go away. She wanted an apology but I'm not apologizing to someone that is speaking that way to me. I'm just not going to do it, I don't give a fuck. If you want respect from me you need to be giving it to me.

I don't expect a phone call till 3 in the morning so he can ruin my first day of work. I should go to bed really soon because I have to get up hella early. I got a good nap earlier. I need to do a little more research into why my tongue is kinda fucked up. I still think it has something to do with the milk. I don't care. I don't care about anything right now. 

I miss you. I wish that you wanted to be supportive but I think you just really want to get rid of me and that fucking sucks. Maybe you really did stop caring about me. I know you used to care about me. But there's a lot of fucked up shit that you've said to me that makes me believe you are just out to ruin me. But then I look at all you've done 4 me and I know that there are good intentions there. You want me to be a better person and I've made a lot of positive changes in my life because of you. I need therapy and I'm still working toward that but I have to take things a step at a time. Yesterday was a big day because I got a job. Today was a big day because I went to the urgent care and that was a really long walk but I think that took care of my yeast infection for real. And then I connected with someone else that sucks her thumb and she's an adult too, done it all her life she said. Tomorrow is a huge day because 1) I have to ride the bus by myself and 2) I start my new job and I'm so so so excited. I have thought that this is where I belong since I was doing door dash. How many times did I want to stop and apply but didn't? 

I feel great about my choices. Calling Lucia was the right thing to do because that bitch would still be in here doing shit if I hadn't. STG. Anyway I'm so glad that I got to journal tonight. Now I can sleep just a little easier. Oh and FUCK YOU DAWN, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!