Everybody's Fool

 No matter which direction I go in I'm just the asshole in the room. I'm sick of it. I wanted that job at Smokin Joes so bad. I thought that would be the absolute perfect job for me right now but it's exhausting. Walking to the bus stop, the long bus ride, working for 8 1/2 hours and then walking my ass back here. I can't handle it. It's just too much for me. I have to make some real fundamental changes in my life. I never told heather you ruined my life. But that's not what your mad at me for anyway. Your mad because I told her I love you. Fuck you, you just wanna make sure your girl heather doesn't cut you off. Your preoccupied with her and angel and juanita and whoever I just want to die man, it makes me want to just fucking die. Cut off the fat and get my shit together. I just can't wait anymore. 

They talk this place up really good. Oh there will be people here to help me when I need it. I've been here two weeks and I haven't even been able to get an envelope let alone a stamp. I asked for help with a yeast infection and all they said was go to the doctor. Did it ever occur to you that part of my problem here is I have a big problem with that. They don't really give a fuck about helping me. They don't do shit for me but give me a room to sleep in and worry about whether or not I'm following their fucking rules. Pretty fucking pointless if you ask me. No one checked to see if I was nervous or needed anything, no one came to me and asked how my first day was. She only has 6 clients, what the fuck are you doing during the day. I can't even pass along a message to you without getting my head bitten off. It's bullshit but I have a place to live and that tells me this is nothing more than a glorified homeless shelter. The only staff person here that has helped me at all is Kristen. This is just a job to my counselor, she always has a day off. I am just starting to realize she's getting paid for nothing. She won't even help me with the bus, fuck this place. 

I'm still upset about Thursday but honestly if I don't like it here I can leave, even though I have no where else to go. And fuck you. I've spent the last 2 and a half years answering the phone for you but when I really need you, you play games with me. What the fuck is wrong with you? I am all alone here, but I still have my kids. At least I still have my kids.

I'm just feeling done with everything. I'm taking my meds like I'm supposed to. I'm not smoking weed. I am following your rules to the T but I'm still fucked up. I need to find a real doctor and a therapist. Why won't people help me with the things I really need help with?I found a job, fuck I found 4 jobs but I'm scared of riding the bus. Something else everyone promises to help me with but no one will help me with. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I expect other people to help me because that's what you promised to do when I came here. I NEED SOME FUCKING HELP OR I WOULDN"T FUCKING BE HERE.

Playing games is what everyone in my life is doing to me. Games, games and more games. I'm tired I just want to give up but there is nothing to give up to. I could kill myself but I'm too scared to go to hell. This is the day that I need pot. I'm having a fucking fit over here and I really do need it once in awhile. This is really fucking hard and I don't have anyone to go to. I'm on my own here. Please god help me. What else can I do? I sacrifice, I guess I just don't sacrifice enough. What is it that I'm supposed to do?