Another New Beginning

     I went to the doctor today. I had to walk to urgent care 5 blocks, to the pharmacy which was 10 blocks and then back here which was another 10 blocks. That's a mile and a half. Not bad. When I got back here Smoking Joes called me and they want me to start at 6:45 tomorrow morning. Ugggg. That means I have to leave by 6 to get there on time. Fuuuuuucccccckkkkk. It will be ok though. After this first week I move to nights and that I can handle. Actually those are perfect hours for me. 

     I have meditation at 430. I don't even want to go, I'm totally pooped out. But I've had so much on my mind lately that I could probably use it. I should go take a nap when I'm done here. I just need to get some things out. 

    Dawn is a bitch. I hate her. She's fake and has the kind of mean spirit I  do. I guess I deserve it, huh? I have found that through suffering I am paying it back to some people. Not my kids, not yet, but I will someday. I needed a job like this to get me used to working again. I might work here until I leave here and I would be ok with that. I will be walking there and taking the bus home tomorrow and this whole first week. Then I will take the bus there and walk home after that.

    I'm a little scared to walk home in this neighborhood after dark but lilly said she has some mace I can have, just in case. She also said she could come and get me on the nights I have to work until 11. That makes me feel better too. I am so sick of leaning on them though, seriously. I told her I'm going to give her all of my first check except 50 so I can pay her back for the last car payment she made for me. You can't tell me I don't have awesome kids. Then I pay hannah the 300 back and then pat the 200 and then ann 100. This will make me feel so much better. 

    40 hours on my feet. This is not something I am used to at all but I have been doing a lot of walking so I think I can handle it. It's convenient store work but I get a discount on cigarettes and that was why I wanted to work here in the first place. In Art next week we are making paintings. I'm excited. I also started working on a salt and pepper shaker for hannah to take with her when she goes. It's going to be 2 mushrooms that are growing away from each other. You tip it one way for salt and the other way for pepper. I think she'll like it and it will be functional. I wish I could do more but I did get her that nice carpet cleaner for graduation and for her birthday I got her a bike rack that she can take with her. 

    I'm sad that she is going away. I don't want her to. But that is not what a parent does. Your children are supposed to go out into the world at some point. It is only my job to be as support as I can be. I'm so proud of her. 

    I am happy with Chris too. We got to talk a couple of nights ago and he hasn't been fucking with me. That means a lot to me considering the circumstance I am in. He really is a good guy underneath the mean exterior. When he's upset about something he expresses himself, when he doesn't like something I'm doing I just have to look at my behavior to figure it out. As mean as he's been it's all been for the greater good. It really hurts when he throws Shasta in my face. I am never going to be her. She had a lot of things growing up that I didn't have. And it's time for me to cut the past off.

    I wish it was that easy but it's just not. When I wash dishes I can still feel my husband standing behind me. I cower. Anytime someone talks about suicide I think of when I saw my mother in the bathtub. When I feel or see poor it reminds me of living with Nina. That reminds me of all the nasty things she said about me. When I think of my dad I just have to escape and I'm sure that is what all the pot smoking has been about, getter rid of all of it. I've seen some extremely 

Im going to go in and lay down i am so tires