I don't like myself today. I have listened to everyone in my life for so long tell me how hard I had things. I've felt entitled to that kind of attention. And I have sought it out. Relationships had to end for me to see it. This is rock bottom for me. The person I've been addicted to for so long has left me, what will I do now? How do I face myself with what I've done and what I've become. Chris didn't do this to me, I did this to myself. I put on a front like I'm fine but I'm not fine. I have a lot of problems and I feel like I'm addressing them but they are so deep that I don't even realize what I'm doing when I'm doing it.
And sometimes I see it but pretend that I don't because I don't want to face what I have done. What I did to my kids, the way I've treated the people I love. I just felt like I couldn't do anything about any of it because I refused to take responsibility for myself. I put it all off on other people and when they didn't take care of me or fix my problems I blamed them for my situation. That is some truth.
I have done whatever I wanted to do for so long not thinking about anyone else or anyone elses feelings. My kids first, Chris second, anyone I've come across has had to suffer from my actions. I can't hate myself because I have to live with me. I have some issues I have to work through for real. I've known that for a long time. I have to actually take responsibility for the things I've done. I truly want to be a better person than I have been. I wasn't always like this but none of you would know that. None of you would think that.
My kids are fucking awesome because of the way I raised them. They are good people and do what they believe in their hearts are the right thing to do. But it's not because I did such a great job raising them. It's because they had no choice but to parent themselves because I wasn't a good parent. I did the best I could at the time but I ignored their feelings to satisfy my own needs. They were needs though, that's how I say I did my best. I didn't realize that my feelings were coming from inside me instead of being caused by other people. I don't give them any credit for that either. I am pleased at who they are but I give them no credit for it.
Chris you were fucking awful to me. AWFUL! But everything you did to me was in response to something I did to you. I wish you could have talked to me about things but that's not how you were built. When you ignore me I get lonely and scared and reach out to the first person I can find to make me feel better. I have done a lot of horrible shit to you. I cheated on you, But you cheated on me too and that was never a problem in your eyes.
You called me fat and ugly, stupid and a whore. How many times you called me a nigger lover and the last time we talked you told me to suck a nigger dick for you. You told everyone every thing about me and then played the recording over and over again until I wanted to die.I did a lot wrong but I didn't deserve that. After today? I would say that I deserve it. I see how completely pathetic I am after what we've been through. After the phone call I had with Tyler today. Then on my home I thought about what you asked me the other night about whether or not I am loyal to you. I wasn't. Not because I had phone sex with a couple of people. Not because I went on the one to one. But I wasn't loyal to you because I embarrased you in front of your friends, and I said horrible things to you when I was angry.
I love you so much that I don't have the audacity to ask you to be with me after the way I've treated you. I don't deserve you and maybe I never did. The things I was doing were hurtful. When I went to meet the mormon, all the times I've screamed at you and cried and begged and pretended like I didn't know why you did the things you did to me. That phone call with Tyler today was really my low point. I totally sold out our relationship in hopes that I wouldn't be alone. He was right, I never cared about his feelings. I never thought about how my actions affected him. I had you. And I don't know if I will ever be able to make up for things I've done to you. My selfishness and desperation, my helpless ness and my hatefulness. My life IS better because of you. and I hope you know that I mean that with my heart and soul. I'm still not a good person. I want to cum so bad, only to relieve this pain inside me. I am going to do it, I already know I'm going to do it. I have a lot I need to do to fix myself. I don't want to need anyone the way I do right now.
There are a lot of parts of myself I need to explore in therapy. And still I am only thinking of myself. I need to be able to focus on what other people are talking to me about. I hope someday to get another chance with you because you do mean so much to me. I just want to be able to come to you as a real adult woman ready to show you what I've got. I love you and miss you but I know this is for the best. I don't blame you for dumping me. It was about time.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment