I want you to know but I'm not tellin

 

You are a smart and strong woman and I have a lot of respect for you and the things you’ve been through. You’ve given me fantastic advice on how to handle the situation that came up about my girls’ sexuality. I think you really saved my family a lot of grief and I’m so glad that it came up while I was here and while I had you to talk it over with. You’ve been inspirational to me. You have shared a lot of your history with addiction and childhood trauma with me. I believe that you told me those things to inspire me.

Lately though I have felt something different. I feel insulted, disrespected and placated when you cut me off and start talking over me. I feel unheard when I talk to you at times because you don’t listen to the things I have to say. I love hanging out with you but I want you to know what I think and how I feel too. I tried to share my story with you on several occasions but you don’t seem interested at all. I end up listening to the stories you’ve told me before about your mother or how you feel a house should be cleaned.

I know you are completely committed to your recovery and that your experience with AA has been wonderful for you. I’m so happy that you were able to find something that changed your life. And you found fellowship in that. But there is more than one way to skin a cat. I am in the process of finding out which way works best for me. You don’t get to decide that though. And it is very insulting when you say things like I can’t quit using my phone if I still have my phone. I can though. I gave up that chat line when I lived at my daughters and I did that on my own.

 I had a relapse of sorts when Chris broke up with me. I gave myself a pass on that because of the situation and just decided to try to get back up on that horse. So far, so good. But I did it for myself. I’m not doing this shit so I have a place to live, I’m living here so I can do these things.

My addiction is unique to me. You say all addictions are the same but they aren’t in my perspective. From my perspective I will need my phone with me the rest of my life. You will not need to carry a bottle the rest of your life.  You seem angry that I am not taking your advice. It is working out well for me. I’m going to see a sex therapist for sex and love addiction. That’s what is going to work for me. Going to meetings where I feel weird and awkward is not good for my mental health.

I am not giving up my phone or anything else for that matter just because you tell me to. You don’t know what is best for me, I do.