No More Apologies

 You will hear no more apologies from me. I hate all the girls you fucked around with and I can say it if I want to. Shasta, Shayla, Candice, Nicole from Georgia, Cally, Barbie, Juanita, Angel, Rachel, Heather from Texas, Texas and that little mexican bitch. I hate them all and I'm aloud to hate them because they all played a role in hurting me. I hurt them too but really I don't care if I hurt them because what they didn't do to me, you did. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you're so much smarter than me how come you didn't call something as simple as inertia.

   I love you. I've loved you since the day I met you. Mushrooms. That kick started the most important relationship I've ever had. I didn't say the best relationship but it was definitely the most important. I learned so much about myself from you and nothing I do will ever change that. You are a big part of the reason why I'm where I am today. In the gutter but freeing myself of baggage I've carried since I was a little girl. 

   You're just ass backwards in things sometimes. You act like the things I went through make me a bad person. That's just not a fair statement. The things that happened to me as a child scarred me but I wore those scars like a badge of honor. I was always proud of the things I had lived through because I lived through them, you took that pride away and threw it in the toilet. I don't know if everyone could have survived what I did, but I did. I'm a strong woman, something you never gave me enough credit for. 

   What you do to women is not right. Playing one woman against another. In my case you played them all against me. But none of us would go against you because we might lose you. We can't express our feelings to you, we can't discuss anything with you that might shine a light on to what a fucking piece of shit you can be, you refuse to own your own feelings by blaming these things on us somehow. You don't have the right to treat me the way you have. You don't. The one difference is that I never backed down from you. If I was mad, I screamed at you. If I was sad, I cried in open rooms. If I was happy, I let everyone know that as well. 

   Does this change the way I feel about you? No. You were one of the ONLY people in my life that ever really gave a true shit about me. And you did, you will deny it but you did. You were there for me when no one else in the world gave a shit. My kids aren't bad people, they are young and they were living their lives. I put a hella amount of stress on them. That's what makes me a piece of shit. Not fucking with some bitches over the phone. The things I've done to my kids. I have a lot of work to do on myself so I stop being shitty to them. So I can support them instead of it being the other way around.

    If you think I'm leaving the chat line for you, motherfucker, I ain't doin shit else for you. This is for me. This is so I don't have to listen to you parade all of my business everywhere. This is so I don't get harassed by your nappy headed cunts anymore. So I don't have to listen to you talk about how much you hate white women. I don't have to apologize for something that you shouldn't know about me. If you can't take the heat get out of the motherfucking kitchen. I am aloud some privacy. I'm sorry you disagree but I am. Am I going to miss you? Every day for the rest of my life but I won't do this catch me in a room whatever. It just isn't right. 

   I know you say your glad, your happy and you never loved me. You call me crazy and a bitch, tell people that I'm fat and ugly and stupid. Openly in rooms you've told people that I was dead. Oh well. These people don't know me, don't know my struggle or even my story because they never took the time to find out. They were laughing at me before we were even a thing. Being your girlfriend just meant that people could be as mean to me as they wanted. You could have saved any of the girls I went after but you just let it happen. You could have said "stop or it's over" but you never did that. On top of that you reminded me daily why I should hate them and be cruel to them. Why did you ever do that?

   In the case of Shasta, everyday for months you told me that you loved her so fucking much and that she was your favorite girl and so much better than me. You weren't trying to make me feel bad, you were trying to make me angry. So angry that I would go out and find her. You told me something once when I asked you why you would do that to her, why throw her name at me and piss me off? And you told me that it was because she called you a pedo for a year straight. And I believe that your mind works that way. 

   You just recently fucked Texas over with her new boyfriend. You started flirting with her to get her attention of the other dude. You did it to me a thousand times. I also think sometimes though that he would call me because of you. You two would talk to me about the same shit. I would hear his words come out of your mouth and it was odd how he showed up just about the time you would bail on me for another bitch. And how did you know that I had a star wars figuring next to my bed, or that my house was a mess.  That wasn't a coincidence every day for months on end. You calling me seconds after I called the chatline. I literally have hundreds of examples of this on my phones.

   I love you and I know this is weird but I'm getting better. I just have to find a job that really suits me. I don't care if I go through 20 more jobs either. I'm doing this on my time not yours. I don't care if I gain weight because I have more important things to deal with than the way I look. Someday I'll be ready to tackle that. Obviously not today but someday.

   I hope you learn a little mindfulness and that you can't actually just pick someone and be done with this madness. What I said is 100 percent true, It takes a mentally ill person to stay on these chatlines. No one should expose themselves to these things and if they do it's because there is something wrong in their head. Anyway I'm exhausted. This was a lot.