Some Thoughts on my thoughts

 I miss you but today has been a real blessing to me. Losing you has been a blessing to me. Not because I, well actually it has forced me to see the real things. I don't like it, but I needed to see some shit. And no I'm not trying to get you to take me back. I think I need to do this alone. Not that you would take me back anyway. I'm not trying to say that.

Ugh. Here it goes. I said I could never be happy with you but in truth I will never be happy with me. Not unless I really make some big changes. Changes in the way I see myself and changes in the way I see other people. I don't know if you still monitor me, I'm thinking you don't but I'm going to pretend you do because I still need you in my life, even if only in my own mind.

I was a horrible girlfriend. There was a time when we were in love. Even if you don't remember. I know you are so angry with me right now and I don't blame you. I had phone sex with Cleveland and with Chandler and with Tyler and even one time with dingleberry. I used to have phone sex with all kinds of guys on the one to one. I never felt like I was cheating on you though because I never stopped loving you or thinking about you or wishing that we could be together. 

I never thought you'd find out. Then I felt like you knew. I just felt like you knew. I know that you were listening to me and I think you aren't anymore. That's why I worry that you won't see this. The only reason you saw this was because it was on my phone and if you aren't monitoring me anymore you aren't going to see this. I knew that you were listening but that didn't change anything about the way I lived. I learned from you. I grew from our relationship. I changed a lot of things about me. I have started doing some of the stuff I was doing in the beginning of our relationship but I am ok with it because I continue to grow in a positive direction everyday. I know that this is going to take me back where I need to be.

Maybe I don't need to be with you. No, I don't need to be with you to be ok. I am going to be ok anyway. Whether or not you are in my life. I know that right now it is not. I don't know if we will ever speak again and I'm not ok with that right now because I miss you so much I want  to die however I am working on accepting that and letting go of you so I can focus on me for awhile. Tonight I am probably going back on the one to one and doing dirty shit because I really feel like I need that right now. It's not healthy but it's what I "need" which really means it's what I want. 

I know that you were only mean to me when I hurt you. I know that I did a lot of things to push you away. I've been vengeful and spiteful and I refused to take any responsibility for the dirty shit I've done. But I also know that the chatline is full of gang stalkers. I'm not crazy like you said, I'm not paranoid. That whole chat line worked together to drive me over the edge. That was real. But what is also real is that I hurt people. I did things to hurt people. I'm not proud of that. I'm ashamed of myself but I don't want to say it because then I'm not strong, I'm weak and pathetic. But maybe I have been weak and pathetic and that is what put me in this situation. 

Personal responsibility is something I just came to understand and I still don't fully grasp it. But I'm trying to. I'm trying to see where I put things off on other people. Our relationship was extremely codependent. It worked for us for a long time. I'm going to put a link in here that explains codependence really well. I am going to start going to a group on sex and love addiction. It starts on Wednesday. Maybe I will never be normal. Maybe I will continue to do all this fucked up shit to people but I'm going to work to not. I deserve a better life than I've been living.

You are with Candy, she makes you happy. I'm glad you found something that makes you happy. Our relationship was so far gone there wasn't room for happy. Too many things said and done. But I know that you love me. You wouldn't be so angry at me if you didn't. You loved me and you were there for me every single day, no matter how awful I was. That's more than any man ever did for me. EVER. 

I wish that you would have just told me what you really thought and how you really felt about things. When I asked you if it would bother you if I met the Mormon you said no. You told me you wanted me to talk to Tyler, you told me that you wanted me to date other people but then when I did it you hated me for it. I wish you would have said, don't meet him. Just don't meet him. That's what started you being angry with me. I would never have met him if I thought it was going to hurt you that much. But I should have thought about your feelings as if they were my feelings. I always took you at your word though. I trusted that if you felt a certain way you would tell me. 

You need to talk to people and tell them how you really feel so they won't make mistakes like I did. God I don't know where this is going to go. That is so scary to me because I don't know what I'll do without you. Maybe you can never forgive me. Maybe at some point I'm not going to want you too but for now I just have to respect your wishes as much as I possibly can. There are a lot of things at play that you just don't understand. Don't even know about because I have started hiding things about myself. 

You got me off the chatlines (although I'm kinda fucking that up right now). You helped me see the problems with my views and attitudes about race. You made me see how the perverted shit was actually hurting me. But it's really not, it might be hurting other people but it wasn't hurting me. I'm going back out there tonight though because I am truly craving that orgasm, that short lived escape from missing you.

My promises are over. My lies are over. If all I can give you is the Gods honest truth, then from now on I'll give it. So I'm sitting here sucking my thumb trying to forget about what I'm saying because it hurts so bad to think about it, I just want to sleep. That's all I have for today.