It's my fault

I know that you have good reason to want to end things. I know that I was so far out of line and that what I did is unacceptable. I don't want to do those things. I don't know why I do things like that. What did I get out of doing that? Nothing. What have I lost from doing that? Why would someone choose to lose the person they love most in the world? They wouldn't, I wouldn't. But I understand if enough is enough. I can't argue that.

What I've done so far to try to stop this and begin making amends (whether or not you want to be with me) I haven't gone back out on the chatline. I am not looking for you or listening to find out who you are talking to or what you are talking about. I am just trying to go on. 

I can't change the fact that I fucked up. I wish I could. But I can stop it where it's at and do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. That's the only thing I can do. I can stop participating in the anger and the fighting. I can stay off the chatline. I can take the sideline off my phone. I can continue to do what I've been taught to do. I can watch tv or a movie, I can sing, I can do a tiktok, I can suck my thumb, I can sleep, I can take a bath or clean something, I can have a snack, I can paint, I could get my ashes and try that do a little experiment with my ashes. There are so many things I can do.

Why didn't I do those things last night? I was too upset and I wasn't thinking the right way. That's it. I'm not going to make excuses or lie. I am just going to take responsibility for my actions and apologize. I'm sorry last night happened. I wish I could take it back or that I would have kept my mouth shut. There was a reason you denied that you were talking to me. I should have gone with it, but I didn't. Can't be changed. But that set everything else in motion. 

But don't get this fucked up. Regardless of what you say, you know that I am not doomed to be with you. I have been with you because I love you and want to be with you. I have been with you because you make me laugh and because I make you laugh. I have been with you because of your guitar and meeko and our conversations. I have been with you because you are smart and again because you are funny as hell. I have been with you for so many reasons. Mushrooms and hail satan, reservation dogs and shoe painting, artists and photographers, illnesses and breakdowns and Love. 

I love you. I hope that you calm down and that you can forgive me. I'm not sure what parts of that you are most upset over and although it matter's, it doesn't. I'm sorry for talking all that shit too. It's so frustrating because I don't want to be the person that does those things and says those things but then I am. I try really hard to make better choices and do things differently but sometimes it just isn't enough.