I am processing the fight that we had, coming around a little at a time but it seems as though it doesn't matter one way or another. You said you are through with me, and I guess you are. I have to figure out a way to be ok. It's so hard when I'm used to talking to you 24/7 to all of a sudden not have you in my life at all. Instead though you just ignore me altogether. 

I wish that I could take back all the nasty things I said to you but I can't. And it hurts so bad. I can't even cry anymore. I need an out so bad. My heart is killing me. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm so sorry that I offended you and I wish I would never have said anything about Shasta. You know I hate myself so much for not being a stronger person. 

I have used all my coping skills, even came up with a few new ones, but nothing helps. Sleep is fleeting. Food is disgusting. I really need you. But I know that I will get through this. through. Are you really through with me? You said it and when you said it I felt like you meant it. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of hurting. I fight myself all day every day to be ok but it never works. I'm doing everything I can, I'm in every kind of therapy I can be. I go to these goddamn groups where I live. For the first time ever I was feeling like we were making it. I felt like we were finally ok. Then I went and fucked it all up. 

I don't know what else to say. I'm finally crying. I guess that's a good first step. 

I'm sorry. I wish I was different. I don't blame you for dumping me. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm starting over again at 48? You are everything to me. I did so well for so long. How did we get here? Why did that have to happen? I didn't want that to happen. I don't blame you for not saying anything to him and in fact I bet you felt like it was about time I had to deal with some of the trucker fall out. 

Please don't leave me. Why does everyone always leave me? Isn't there anyone in the whole world who won't leave me? I'm not saying I don't deserve it but I always thought you were the one person in the world that would stick it out with me. Please god, what am I supposed to do? I need your help. Am I really that bad of a person that no one will stick with me? Why did thaht have to fucking happen. Please come back to me. I hate this pain.