hate me?

I don't think you hate me. I don't think that you really believe that I'm cheating on you because you know me. I'm sure sorry if I've done anything to make you think that because there is nothing or no one, that could ever be worth losing you over. Lily and I are going through something and I think that it's going to have a really big impact on the relationship I have with them both because I don't know that I'll ever be able to feel good about myself really if they are always waiting for me to do something wrong they don't trust me and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe this is the point at which we need to part ways a little bit for a while and when I say that I don't mean to stop talking to them but just letting them really figure out how they feel about the past and coming to grips with it on their own terms. I don't think I was the worst mother ever I could have done a whole lot worse they're great successful good people but they blame me for a lot and I don't think that they want to admit it or something I don't know but my heart's been hurting over that. And I've been longing for some stuff that I probably shouldn't like a disconnect from reality now which is what I had the other night. It's not something I intend on doing very often because obviously it has an impact on the control I have over my behaviors and that's probably what took me out on the f****** chat line last night. Yes in case you didn't know I was on the chat line last night. I've been waiting so long or feeling like I'm getting back I'm getting back I'm going to be there but maybe I'm not and maybe that's a good thing because that wasn't a good place to be I was solid as a f****** rock yeah but all the things I had to do to stay there no I don't want to live that kind of life anymore you know I know you know that. I am scared of losing you I'm always scared of losing you. I'm scared that you're going to find somebody better than me and you're not going to want to talk to me anymore. Last night I was extremely scared the way that you talk to me scared the s*** out of me. Because I thought we were staying away from there but I also thought I was staying away from the chat line yet there I was. I hate when this thing stops recording when I'm still talking about really good things but anyway I'm sure you know that I was on the chat line and maybe that's why you were being so verbally Stern with me I really hope you don't think I'm cheating on you that would just break my heart it really would you know there's a part of me that doesn't believe anyone could love me and that's the way that you love me so my mind comes it tries to come up with reasons why you know where is the proof proof I don't need proof I just know. The proof is you continue to call me and you listen to me you pretend like you don't sometimes but you do you care about me and I care so much about you and I wish so badly so so badly that whatever it is that holds us apart could just disappear. Sometimes I think that makes me a fool but other times I think it makes me the luckiest person in the world. I was talking about yesterday and she said that most people will never find what we have what we have together most people will never experience that in their whole life. I don't know I hope I haven't f***** up where things were for us because we worked so f****** hard to get there. You are the place where I go to rest the place where I go to recharge a place where I'm safe. I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry if I did anything to make you feel bad because that's one of the very last things I want to do